[Tryingtobehappy5]

My last manic episode got really out of control. I now have an official diagnosis as well, Bipolar 1. Im sure thats not surprising to any of you who read my last posts here. I went off my meds and started off with productive hypomania then euphoria then some weird happy dark state which led to a lot of alcohol and days and nights in the drunk tank because of suicidal threats. A week after things turned bad I found out how close I was to losing my kids. I went in and got a new prescription but it was far too late.

Two days later my switch flipped(dont know how else to explain what happens to me its a fast, cold compulsion) and that night I attempted and was flown by an air ambulance jet to a city for treatment after my body started fighting it and I realized I wasnt going to die from it and didnt want to ruin my organs completely and have to live like that. I was very angry that it didnt work but that wears off after a couple of days and fades back into a more passive thought pattern.

I spent a month in hospital(three of those in the psych ward) and somehow was lucky enough to get an awesome new pdoc! She is hopeful(unlike other pdocs I have seen) and caring and even though I was beyond pessimistic about life until I was almost ready to go home she never stopped disagreeing lol. She is certainly more aggressively treating this and felt that the last couple years I had been rapid cycling without proper treatment. She is over 5hrs away but its worth it to have someone I truly trust.

Im happy to be home but a little scared now that Im back to having my mind working properly. The damage I can do is scary. Scary enough to make me swallow the pills and avoid the alcohol as hard as those things are. Hopefully my new pdoc is right and life really can be good and stable.

I am SO GLAD you are ok!! Scary. And glad you found a great new Pdoc. I hope things continue to get better for you. We're always here if you need us. Good to see you back.

[Guiness187055]

Finding a good pdoc makes all the difference in the world.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was wondering where you were. I was worried after your last few posts that you would really hurt yourself. Which apparently you did. So I’m glad you were able to save yourself and that you are ok now! Finding a good pdoc is paramount to recovery. How are you going to continue to see her if she is five hours away though? Does she do tele-sessions?

Anyway I’m really glad to see you’re doing ok. I was truly worried for you.

[Wander]

So glad you survived and found the right treatment. Keep posting here if you want to. We are here to support you. I agree with wildflowerchild25. How are you going to be able to continue seeing this fabulous pdoc? I hope you find a way, or another great pdoc closer to home. Finding the right pdoc makes all the difference.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

So glad you survived and found the right treatment. Keep posting here if you want to. We are here to support you. I agree with wildflowerchild25. How are you going to be able to continue seeing this fabulous pdoc? I hope you find a way, or another great pdoc closer to home. Finding the right pdoc makes all the difference.

Glad you pulled through. Finding a great Pdoc is imperative to finding stability. Is the 5 hour drive a possibly. My preferred IP IS over 110 miles away. I know not five hours but it’s worth it to my husband and I.

Maybe you Pdoc would have a recommendation to a closer Pdoc for you ?

So glad your safe

[Travelinglady]

I hope you're home for good, too. Glad you're okay.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

H and I have both agreed the 5hr drive is worth it considering all that is on the line. My last pdoc(and only one in that area) was 2hrs away and the next city with any is 4hrs anyway.

We might try telehealth in the future when things have been more stable for a while but I have tried it before and found it was way too hard to show emotion and energy with that disconnect.

I feel so bad about what I did I dont really know how to get over that. Every time this happens it really does get worse and this time I feel like I embarrased myself in front of almost all of the Drs and police(luckily only mental health related and I didnt commit any crimes) most of my workplace and quite a few EMS workers in my small town. Plus my kids obviously noticed how bad things were and had to come all the way there to see me at christmas and had me gone for a month.

Worst of all I think is how badly I scared H. I set it up so I could leave when he got home without him seeing me and without leaving the kids home alone. He begged me to tell him where I was and I wouldnt. Then when I started throwing up everything I called him back to get help and I was screaming from the pain and he thought I was stabbing myself because I had threatened to do it so many times in the past week. I couldnt tell him what happened because of how bad things were all I could do was manage to give a general location. He blames himself for going to work too which isnt fair to him when he already does so much for me.

I am very lucky I lived because this was a very serious attempt and I am very lucky I live in Canada so I can afford to drive to see this pdoc because there is no fee for our appointments or the hospital stay and especially the air ambulance ride. When I finally was able to think straight again that was the first thing I thought was I didnt know if I had to pay for that and I was so scared.