Fear of working

I am currently working. I mean, I’m not at work right now, but I do currently work full time. The problem is, ever since this episode has started a few weeks ago, I am petrified of work. I obsess over it. I can’t imagine going to work even one day yet I have been going every day (except the two times lately when my pdoc or t has told me not to). My pdoc has asked if I need a leave of absence and since I work for a public school that is a possibility but I only want that as a VERY last resort. I feel like I couldn’t do that to my teacher and other assistant. I work with special needs kiddos and they are rewarding but stressful. Trust me when I say it takes all 3 of us (for a couple of days is one thing but for weeks or more is entirely different). They never have subs for assistants either, only for teachers. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped and I feel like I can’t do it at all. I don’t know how I’ll go back on Monday. And, my t doesn’t even know if I should and my pdoc thinks I shouldn’t if it will cause too much stress. The thing is, I really do love my job and I don’t want to lose it. I am just scared of it. So much so that I can’t see myself doing it ever again. Not even once. Help me here! What should I do? How can I get past this mental block? Is this only a mental block? I can tell you that I know some of it has to do with panic and mania at work. My teacher and assistant understand I have bipolar and don’t mind me taking breaks and such but no one else does. Can I do this job and suffer from severe mental illness? This is the first time I have worked during an episode. I lost my last job 2 years ago because I was in the middle of an episode and started acting like a lunatic at work. What if that were to happen again? I definitely wouldn’t be able to become a teacher which is my intended profession.

You have to decide your self. If you really want this as a career then I would take flma I believe there's a version that you can come in as you feel well but your not expect to.

My pdoc is in the process of filling out fmla now. It’s just that I don’t want to use it.

That's good to know that some of the people you work with know the situation and are able to take breaks when you feel the need too. If you feel that taking FMLA will help that might be the best way to do it for now but I know how hard of a decision that is. Is there another position you can transfer too that doesn't bring on alot of stress but still work with the children?

My pdoc decided ‘no’ for me. She said I would lose my professional reputation (healthcare) if I was allowed to go to work. I was also in danger (manic at the time) of causing harm to others because of my risk taking behaviours.
I have not worked for 4.5yrs and I’m well enough to realise that in my case it would be a dumb idea to go back to work.

My T and I had the “ can I work talk” yesterday, I brought it up , he said sure you can but I’ll give you a month and you will be a total disaster and need months to find some sense of stability again.

Bipolar and my chronic pain is just far to great for me to risk a total explosion.

I stay mostly stable because of my daily routine.

Cas.... do what feels right for you.

Thank you all! I feel so torn about this and also very afraid to bring it up to my husband. On the one hand, I look at this and I say to myself ‘look how long you’ve been stable’ and on the other hand I say ‘any time you have ever been this unwell it has taken a long time to get well’. What if quitting work makes my situation worse? What if continuing to work makes it worse? There’s this black shroud covering my eyes. I could tell my t really thinks I shouldn’t work. In the middle of my session she asked if my husband could join us (he had driven because I am manic). I called him but he was driving around and at the time too far away. She asked to speak with him on the phone and in doing so told him to not allow me to go to work Thurs or Fri. Then she told me that I might want to take off early next week too. As I mentioned my pdoc also asked me if I needed a leave of absence and is in the process of filling out fmla. She did leave it entirely up to me. She has supported me in what ever decision I have wanted to pursue. At one time a couple of years ago (when I was VERY unwell) she was going to fill out disability paperwork but I didn’t qualify. Then, when I got better, I was glad it had worked out that way because I was so successfully working. When I told her I was going to go back to school to get my teaching degree (I’m only 13 credit hours shy of my bachelor’s degree and once I get it I can teach because I can get alternate certification in special needs), she also fully supported me. She has great faith in me. Sometimes I wish she would be more assertive about issues such as this one though. At times in the past she has been. At one point she wanted me to go to a residential home if I didn’t start to get better but my mom and husband were going to fight her on it because the closest one from me is several hours away and I need my kids and they need me. Thankfully, I did start improving within a few weeks time. It’s around the time we started depakote which that, in combination with seroquel, has been the most effective med I’ve taken.

I really don't know what to say but I want to post. I work full time and attend online school for my bachelor's full time. So I can totally understand where you are coming from even thought I'm stable and have been for a decent amount of time; I keep having those PTSD thoughts my old boss gave me as a parting gift. Sometimes I believe she's right and other times I sit in my office a look around and feel totally grateful for the second chance this lovely boss blessed me with. Who sees me for who I am; I am so very grateful for my wonderful coworkers who love me unconditionally.

I guess the point I am trying to make is do you feel safe where you work; do you have that support system in case you start slipping, do you have a good place to hide and try to give yourself a minute. I'm lucky that I can just shut my door and think for a second but I know you being a teacher you don't have that luxury. Do you feel safe enough to go to work on Monday? I totally understand the fear but sometimes you just have to push past the fear and realize I am going to be okay. That yes I do have issues but I won't let those issues cause me issues.

I wish you good luck and I'll leave a parting and wish you the best of luck no matter what you choose.

Thanks for your response. I also had some serious damage from a previous employer as the result of my behavior while manic. I was never mean or ugly, just acted in a very bizarre nature. I was glad they were letting me go because I knew I couldn’t show my face there again.

Currently, I am banking a lot on my current experience and current stress level. However, I believe this thinking is unwarranted. I should be focusing on the future. Do I conclusively decide that I have sometimes been entirely and extremely unstable for years at a time and therefore won’t be able to maintain this work? Or, should I focus on the fact that I have, at times, had up to 8 years of complete stability?

I would personally focus on your period of stability; this disease cycles and we can't control when it does. I would do whatever you feel is the best and go from there. Just know we are here for you no matter what happens.

The final decision is up to you, cashart10. Do you feel like you can handle working right now? Are you able to take precautions if things go bad? Do you have a support system at work? Just try to think about all of this and see if it's worth continuing what you're doing. Just know that there's nothing to be ashamed of if you decide not to go anymore. You need to take care of yourself first, after all. I know it's hard since you like your job, but it's just self-preservation. Just do what you feel it's the best thing to do for you. Whathever you decide, we'll be here to support you. Please don't give up. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. I'm also here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I used to be a teacher but did not teach full time for very long. Teaching IS a very stressful profession. At least it was for me when I was a classroom teacher. Though I did enjoy being a Title One teacher because it was more manageable. In that job, I would take kids out of class to test and tutor them--groups of 1-6 kids! With large classes, I never felt like I was able to do everything that needed to be done. You say teaching is your intended profession. When you are not having an episode--do you love it? Is this the only teaching job you have done? I think some of the other people are right to suggest that you make your mental issues a priority--it is so hard to teach properly when you are not stable.

You really have to do what is best for you. I used intermittent fmla for about 3 years, it was hard, I'm not gonna lie, but luckily I've been mostly stable for the last year. Mostly just throwing out there that it is an option. Hugs to you!!!