[Blueberrybook]

Today and yesterday I have been struggling with the feeling I don't deserve self-care and self-care is being lazy.

It has been difficult as I have now not been able to exercise much (big outlet for anxiety) for 3 days. I slept too late on Sunday, and it just got too hot. Yesterday morning and this morning, it rained. Well, I managed a short walk yesterday, and this morning jogged around a 1.5 miles when persistent lightning chased me in, followed by torrential rain. Now that I am cleaned up, of course, the rain is slacking. I feel awful and lazy for not exercising 3 days in a row (stupid ED as well).

I feel on the verge of a bad panic attack and/or crying spell. I decided since I couldn't run today, I would focus on self-care even though I felt I really didn't deserve it and I should be cleaning.

So I took a soak in Epsom salts, opened my fibromyalgia stretch book (hadn't used it in ages) and did stretches for myofascial pain relief, especially since I woke very stiff at the base of the left side of my neck, going into my back and shoulder. The entire time I felt like I should be doing something productive or once the rain stopped that I should go running except I'd already showered, and I didn't want to have to do it again.

I used the hair dryer, during which time a centipede crawled over my bare foot. Ugh! We occasionally do get centipedes in the house, usually when it's rained a lot, but we see them once every 2 or 3 years, so it's not an infestation. But, gross! I hate insects crawling over my bare feet, especially ones that bite. The centipede incident made me feel like I should skip makeup already, that this dumb morning routine was taking ages.

I would have skipped makeup if I didn't have to go out in public today, but I don't like going out without some makeup on, and I'm seeing my T this afternoon.

Now, I could read a book, play a mindless game on my iPad, watch TV, but again, I feel all of these are being lazy. I'm trying to tell myself that in addition to running, I did spend over an hour this morning organizing in my office until I got overwhelmed, but at least it was something, and there finally is a visible difference.

And I know I need to eat lunch and seeing my T is not a waste of 55 minutes in the afternoon, but now I will not have done much at all today other than laundry, taking care of the cats, and dishes, picking up my daughter from her robotics camp, and it's hard for me.

I wish I knew why I'm having problems with this right now. I suppose it could be the iron infusion which I do think is helping my anemia though that might affect my mood, my tense muscles, etc.?

A part of me knows that taking care of myself allows me to be a better mother and wife, that taking some time to relax is not selfish, but I can't make myself believe/feel it today.

Anyone else in this boat?