[Blueberrybook]

Things in my life aren't so bad comparatively, especially if you look at my life over all of 2018, but now I am having more and more depressive episodes, the type

where you want to hurt yourself immediately

Such a strong intense feeling too. It passes eventually, that's what being mixed does, but I've been very moody the last week and short-tempered. Maybe some of it was PMS as I started my period today (some BAD PMS at that), who knows?

H is constantly stressed and wanting to come home to me not stressed. This week has been bad for that. We came home to no internet on Sunday (long weekend visiting relatives near Dallas), and it only got fixed late Wednesday (around 6 PM), and I was on the cell phone screaming at the tech support (mostly in India, not that I have a problem with people making a living, but AT&T is hiring more and more people who don't even speak good English and repeat themselves a zillion times and cannot solve your issue at all).

As for iron stuff, the last numbers are looking good (taken mid-July). We won't really know until the doc tests the first week of Sept. That is stressful too because even with insurance, we owe $767 on the iron infusions (insurance pays 80%, that's our 20%). But if you can't or don't absorb iron well, if you don't treat iron anemia, you risk heart damage and all sorts of other problems. Healthcare here sucks.

I did see the pdoc and did mention these emotional issues. He upped my dose of Trazodone to 100 mg and reiterated the importance of being consistent on taking the entire 400 mg dosage of Seroquel, which I admitted to him I am not. I'm trying to be good about it, but what is he doing, trying to put me in a waking sleep? I can do either all the Seroquel or all the Trazodone, but doing both is too much. Really, I know I need to do what he says, my body may even adjust.

In addition, we are starting to look into moving closer to H's work. That is very overwhelming. In September, we will have lived in this house 14 years. You can accumulate a lot of clutter in that time, so much so the thought of moving seems beyonding overwhelming.

Not sure why I feel everything crashing down. Maybe it's H being so tired. He's got job stress and then the stress of a long, long commute. He has finished teaching his summer courses, but he volunteered to do a STEM camp with a group of high schoolers this week. It is extra money (probably going to pay off iron infusions), but daily 3 hour commutes for him.

I keep feeling so down, and it's small things that will just get me, and then it's hours before I cheer up again...Things with the T are not going well as she keeps cancelling appointments for this and that (AC out, has to help son move to college, oops, that day was a dental appt.). I don't really want to find a new T because what's the point if I move and have to start again?

That all sounds overwhelming. Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect? Are you able to step back from everything but the non essentials (i.e., everything but your health and your family) and just say, “it’ll work itself out?”

[MickeyCheeky]

That sounds stressful, @Blueberrybook! I'm so sorry! Keep reminding yourself that things will work out. They will. I'm sure of that. It seems like you'0re trying your best and that's good. Remember to take some rest when you have the chance as well. Moving is already very stressful in itself and in addition to your already existing MI struggles it can really take a hit on you. Don't let it discourage you! I'm sure thing will sort themselves after a while. Just keep hanging on and keep fighting! I believe in you and I'm sure your family does to. I'm sure everyone here at PC will gladly support you. Just keep fighting like you're already doing and keep bringing your concerns to your Pdoc. I'm so sorry that things aren't working out with your therapist. Hopefully you'll be able to change it soon. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME! I'm sure EVERYONE here at PC will gladly help you as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your family, Blueberrybook! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by IRememberMyFirstBee

That all sounds overwhelming. Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect? Are you able to step back from everything but the non essentials (i.e., everything but your health and your family) and just say, “it’ll work itself out?”

I am a perfectionist when it comes to me and how other people perceive me and wanting to please them...

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

That sounds stressful, @Blueberrybook! I'm so sorry! Keep reminding yourself that things will work out. They will. I'm sure of that. It seems like you'0re trying your best and that's good. Remember to take some rest when you have the chance as well. Moving is already very stressful in itself and in addition to your already existing MI struggles it can really take a hit on you. Don't let it discourage you! I'm sure thing will sort themselves after a while. Just keep hanging on and keep fighting! I believe in you and I'm sure your family does to. I'm sure everyone here at PC will gladly support you. Just keep fighting like you're already doing and keep bringing your concerns to your Pdoc. I'm so sorry that things aren't working out with your therapist. Hopefully you'll be able to change it soon. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME! I'm sure EVERYONE here at PC will gladly help you as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your family, Blueberrybook! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

Life is always stressful, that I know. Why I am more depressed when H has a stable, more financially viable job for his credentials (just not close to our house) baffles me. 2018 was practically rock bottom as you can get - ED relapse, talk of divorce, little marital intimacy, CPS investigation, police ride to the psych ER, pdoc of 10 years retiring, bad insurance and job for H, fixing to lose the house, you name it, recovery from super painful perforated ulcer surgery, I am sure there is more, you get the picture. And I think looking at old bloodwork, iron anemia starting in August 2018 and just getting worse.

I try to focus on the quote in my signature, other positive things like being here for my daughter and husband. I know I have other people who love me. It is hard in that I frequently display all my emotions as they happen whereas H can hold back the negative though eventually, 3, 4, 6 months he reaches a giant breaking point. We need a happy medium.

[~Christina]

Have you thought about a gratitude / positive affirmation jar ? There are tons of sites that can give you loads of simple positive quotes, reminders, pep talks, make up your own too, nothing long or complicated ... Shove them all in a jar

Anyway spend an afternoon and start writing them on slips of paper, different color paper is nice

Each morning pull one out and read it a few times and as the day goes on re read it often , it’s not fool proof and won’t work everyday but even one day a week or two a week is a win.

Throw in some for a treat , enjoy a X at Starbucks, buy new socks, hey everyone loves the feel of new socks lol silly little things too.

You have been steadily overwhelmed for more than a year, get back into quality self care.