[wildflowerchild25]

I don’t think this is necessarily bipolar since I am not in an episode right now, but I’ll post it here anyway.

For a few days I’ve been thinking that I don’t want my relationship anymore. But when I really think about it I realize that I am terrified. I love RS SO much it hurts. I miss him when he’s gone, I can’t sleep if he’s not in bed with me, etcetera etcetera. I feel like I’m becoming way too dependent on him. And that scares me.

It scares me because things could go wrong so quickly. I had a dream that RS told me he doesn’t want to deal with my emotions anymore and that he doesn’t understand how anyone can like me in the first place. But then he nearly died of a seizure. So two of my major fears converted into one horrible dream.

I haven’t loved someone so much since my husband. If possible, I think I love him even more than my husband. But my husband suddenly died one day and it ripped me apart. What if RS dies? What if he leaves me for being “too bipolar”? What if he can’t handle when things get bad?

I’m scared. It’s making me want to run far far away. But I can’t do that to him and I can’t do that to my son. My son loves him like a father.

I guess I just wanted to write this all down to get it out of my head and see if anyone can relate. Thanks for reading.

[Daonnachd]

Heya, I think the impetuous nature of the idea does show a connection to bipolar. Keep processing out loud (here) so that you can work it out of your system.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am sorry you are feeling like this. Since losing someone suddenly like you did your husband can be a traumatic event, I would think it makes sense that you'd be feeling anxious and scared now that you know you are in a position to feel hurt again if something happens to him. Wanting to run seems like a normal reaction to that kind of fear to me, as a way to protect yourself from the possible pain. I hope you are able to find a way to enjoy your relationship without being too overwhelmed with this fear. Do you think your therapist will be able to help?

[Wild Coyote]

Hi wildflowerchild,

So the good news is something like: Things are going great! I love RS and he loves me. We have gotten so close, I don't know what I'd do without him. In fact, I am so attached to him, I could be easily hurt. It's all good! This is Love.

The trying part is: I am so vulnerable, I am scared!
Maybe I should run? Maybe I should somehow end this relationship?
As you know, this is Fear talking.

Most of life, at least the parts that matter most, involve a very important decision we must make-- Which prevails? Fear or Love?

That said, I fully believe you have the courage to allow Love to prevail.

Follow your heart!

[Polibeth]

All of these fears and feelings sound completely valid to me (I won't use the word normal). You went through a traumatic event and now you are scared. It sounds like everything is going great except for the nightmares.

Major ((hugs))

[~Christina]

Honestly if you didn’t have some of these fears I would be surprised because of what happened.

Do you think you rely to heavily on RS ? As far as your Bipolar aspect? I know it’s hard to be able to take a look at our own behavior and actions to get a true picture.

I think for a healthy relationship to work between 2 people there is mutual respect of course but there also needs to be a balance between normal , average , typical, too much , over the top Support.

“ sometimes” we unknowingly lean harder on the other person on a more daily basis , unlike when we are really struggling and truly need that person front and center.

Back when initially I was a mess and first diagnosed I think now looking back I put to much of my needing happiness or just making it through the day onto my husband. He wasn’t my T... he will never really “ get it” what I go through with my Bipolar.

He felt helpless, he was reading about Bipolar and how to support and help me , but in reality he was causing himself enormous amounts of stress.

Now I’m NOT saying your being to dependent on RS. But I just wanted to throw it out there.

RS can’t make memories of your husbands passing and the reason why .... go away.

He can show you in words and actions that he loves you and your son and has a life planned for you to go on together.

Hang in there and ask your T for ways to self soothe and make sure that you and RS have a solid balanced relationship.

I do think once you have found a teaching position for the year will definitely drop your stress level down tremendously.