[SorryShaped]

I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do. This gets very rough, and I was already raw and uncontrollable in moods going into this all, almost suicidal. Help me think straight, please. I can't feel anything but trapped and depressed and angry at myself.
I have gone back into my parents house for what's supposed to be only a few days, but I can see things are not going to be just that. Mom's losing her mind, Dad's wanting to fix everything but having trouble with anything. Mom already needed a caretaker 24/7 but now it's way worse. She seems like she may have had more strokes, but the doctor today didn't think so. I think it's the GIANT cocktail of meds she's on. In the tiniest example, you shouldn't take nsaids daily, and should certainly not take two different ones multiple times daily. That will destroy your liver. I have to show her the thing she doesn't understand but wants to, in hard evidence, repeatedly, which she then claims to understand but obviously doesn't because she immediately forgets what she was just clarified on. Her heart is in failure, and they are considering doing things to help her life longer, but my terrible thinking wants to know if it's worth it. I wouldn't want that for me. Dad can't take care of her all the time because she's super needy, as anyone who once could walk and then suddenly couldn't would be. That was almost four years ago. I already wasn't sleeping much, if at all, but now it's worse. I can't just up and leave, unless I'm to hitchhike over ten miles home, which is doable. I'm supposed to be helping my sister for a week soon, but she doesn't even know how bad this all is, nor have any clue where I am mentally. I won't be able to do that if I'm still here, which is likely. I'm grateful I don't have meds that would end me, because I'd likely use them. I'm not equipped mentally to do this and they aren't equipped to keep doing this how they've been doing it since I moved out last year into my own place. I feel like I'm caught between a sword and knife and neither will go ahead and do the job. My mental state was already totally bad but now it's getting rapidly worse Add to it all that I'm having flashbacks almost constantly to the really tough times that happened in this house... Being slapped, told I'm worthless, never amount to anything, told nobody will ever love me because of how I am.....
They were right. I am worthless, except when someone wants free labor. I am unlovable, divorce showed me that.
To top it all off, I'm sick. My throat is swollen to the point of making my breath squeak, but I don't feel like I can tell anyone, because, as history has proven, "I'm being overdramatic." It's not a normal sore throat either, the swelling is around and under my Adams apple and it puts pressure from the front. Sometimes, swallowing means it's going to go to that area, and come back up.
I try not to think about everything that's bothering me. I try to be there for others. I ignore myself and try to be selfless. I feel horrible for all the resentments I carry and that I don't think I can do this very long. If you've read all of this, bless you. If you've skimmed, I understand.

[~Christina]

Well I’m going to be honest I can’t think of any advice I’m a frantic mess teetering on the edge of madness currently , but I hear you , I feel your pain. you are not alone.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi SorryShaped,

I am very concerned about you.

Forgive me, as I am a little unclear myself. Do you have a feasible way to go home or to a doctor or to the ER, if needed?

You have a lot going on. The house is one of your current triggers. It might help you if get out of that setting. (?) I don't mean for you to abandon your parents; yet, I do think you will need to come to terms with the fact that you alone, will try to help, but most likely would need additional assistance.

It surely does sound like your parents are having an incredibly hard time. I do know how sensitive you are, and have been, to your parents' needs. It seems like they need a lot of help, pronto.

We, often, are not able to give them all of the care they often need.

I am feeling (In reacting to your description), like you need help sooner rather than later?

Do you have a friend who is willing to take you to your car, to your apartment, anywhere you might need to gro?

Have you used a hotline that has been helpful?

Are you feeling any safer than when you had started this thread?

The immediate goal for you, I'd think, is getting yourself squared away. You cannot help others if you do not help yourself.

You have a few obvious needs at this point. You need to be safe. You need to minimize the PTSD, which you feel is being set off by being in their home. You need any suicidal ideation to stop, etc.

Would they be okay if you were not with them tonight?
Would they be okay if you were not with them for 24-48 hours?

How do you get into a safer environment tonight or ASAP?

What helps?

Please do continue to reach out here.

Read the whole thing. No skimming. That is a hard situation.

To start, you are neither worthless, nor unloveable.

So is your sister nearby to there? She does need to be apprised of the situation.

If it's any consolation, I don't think it's terrible thinking on your part wondering how far they should go extending her life. It's her call of course, but for thinking that, it's not bad. (It's why I personally have an advance directive. I know what I want/don't want and don't want to put anyone in a position to wonder.) Does she by chance have one? It's a practical matter, though many avoid dealing with such things.

I have to wonder what help might be available. I certainly don't think it is on you. A call to the local agency on aging might provide some useful information.

Are they in a city or town where you could have your throat looked at? Like a place you could get to without involving them?

I'm so sorry that you have been invalidated and abused. You didn't deserve it then and you don't deserve it now. Sending protective thoughts your way. I hope the flashbacks ease.

ETA, I agree with WC. You need to be your first priority.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Read the whole thing. No skimming. That is a hard situation.

To start, you are neither worthless, nor unloveable.

So is your sister nearby to there? She does need to be apprised of the situation.

If it's any consolation, I don't think it's terrible thinking on your part wondering how far they should go extending her life. It's her call of course, but for thinking that, it's not bad. (It's why I personally have an advance directive. I know what I want/don't want and don't want to put anyone in a position to wonder.) Does she by chance have one? It's a practical matter, though many avoid dealing with such things.

I have to wonder what help might be available. I certainly don't think it is on you. A call to the local agency on aging might provide some useful information.

Are they in a city or town where you could have your throat looked at? Like a place you could get to without involving them?

I'm so sorry that you have been invalidated and abused. You didn't deserve it then and you don't deserve it now. Sending protective thoughts your way. I hope the flashbacks ease.

ETA, I agree with WC. You need to be your first priority.

Nice job, IZ!
I could not gather my thoughts.
I hope Sorry Shaped will be safe.

[SorryShaped]

I can't leave. I borrowed someone else's time to get here, time they didn't have.
My parents been told before about bunches of services they could be getting but pride makes them turn the help away.
My sister is about 45 minutes away and is going out of town this weekend. I'm taking the second week of housesitting if things settle here. I'm going to be wrecked from this if I do get to go there.
My doctors are nearer my home, but not very, and I don't have transportation. I'm near a highway, but no public transportation nor even Uber here.
There isn't anyone to take me anywhere I need. I had been codependently borrowing Mom's car because she'll never drive again, but it's broken down. Old cars do that.
I needed to at least go workout for a while today but that's not an option here. My time was 100% consumed by others. Mostly I sat still, cleaned, cooked, and took someone potty.
They don't know what bipolar is, but think I should be able to get over it.
I don't feel better. I feel like right after you pull off the broken toenail. I took a natural sedative, but it's not working at all. So, I'm probably not sleeping much, if at all, again tonight, again. I know how important sleep is, but I haven't been able to fix that for months.

[SorryShaped]

Ok update time.
It really did seem to be an over-medicated thing. They made adjustments. She still isn't truly lucid but Dad said things are ok and sent me home. I helped a lot today there. I'm going to go back more often and help but I'm really in hell to stay overnight there. I know, it's wrong to feel in hell in my parents' home, my former home, but I do, and it's worse at night. I slept less than three hours and had flashbacks all night.
I intend to try going to my primary care doctor in the morning. I know I'm not well, and a friend was over tonight and the whole time I thought, "please leave." Finally, I politely said that I needed me time and asked her to leave. Now I'm alone, and it feels pretty good.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi SorryShaped,

You have a HUGE heart!

I am glad your mom is better than she was. I understand she's still in rough shape. I am very sorry. It has to be quite difficult to see your mom deteriorating medically.

It seems much more balanced that you'd be able to go home at night. So glad you have this option.

I hope you do make it to your doctor tomorrow. I also hope s/he can do something to assist you.

Thanks for the update! I look forward to further updates.

Please take good care of yourself1

[~Christina]

I’m glad to see that your gaining more control of your situation, might not seem like much but it will continue to grow.

[SorryShaped]

Doctor ran a bunch of infection and thyroid blood tests (all four), and I'm going to get another thyroid scan. She said, "that really sounds like thyroid problems" which I'm on medicine for already

[~Christina]

I’m am glad they are looking further into a possible problem. Your thyroid could be wonky and it be a reason for this tremendous episode your in right now

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m am glad they are looking further into a possible problem. Your thyroid could be wonky and it be a reason for this tremendous episode your in right now

It's very likely. A few years ago, they find a small mass on one lobe. Where I showed the swallowing problems are, the tightness, there's where the thyroid is

[Wild Coyote]

I hope you get more relief asap!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

It's very likely. A few years ago, they find a small mass on one lobe. Where I showed the swallowing problems are, the tightness, there's where the thyroid is

I have a ultrasound every 6 months on my thyroid as I have a nodule. All the standard and more specific blood work always comes back ok.

I was always advised to call ASAP if there is a change in swallowing.

Get seen ASAP

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have a ultrasound every 6 months on my thyroid as I have a nodule. All the standard and more specific blood work always comes back ok.

I was always advised to call ASAP if there is a change in swallowing.

Get seen ASAP

What's strangest is how my swallowing got worse about a month after they upped the levothyroxine.

[~Christina]

Oh goodness ! Yes I am thinking a lot of your struggle right now is probably due to thyroid.

They need to run the basic labs but ask them to add of for the extra more specific tests, sorry I can’t fit the life of me remember the names, but it would really give them a better idea of the over all function and response to meds.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh goodness ! Yes I am thinking a lot of your struggle right now is probably due to thyroid.

They need to run the basic labs but ask them to add of for the extra more specific tests, sorry I can’t fit the life of me remember the names, but it would really give them a better idea of the over all function and response to meds.

TSH, free t3 and t4, thyroid antibodies

[~Christina]

Yes , but I think there are a few more. I had to see an endocrinologist due to an adnoma on my pituitary gland and he did much more extensive blood work for thyroid and hormonal levels. They took 16 vials of blood that day. That’s the most I have ever had taken at once.

All it takes is one level to be out of wack to send the body a swift kick across the board.

Life shouldn’t be so difficult , sigh

[SorryShaped]

After multiple calls, all from me, someone said that there's no sign of cancerous nodules. That's good, but why is it so hard to swallow? I have another appointment Thursday.

[~Christina]

Did you get a ultrasound done ??

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Did you get a ultrasound done ??

Yeah, I did. They said there wasn't a thyroid problem. Seems like the ultrasound should show what is causing the problem, but I can't find anything else out until Thursday, six more days. Why are doctors only in a hurry when it's time to get paid?

[~Christina]

Waiting sucks !!!!!!!

I hear ya about there wallet tho

I hope the time flys quickly and you get some answers

[SorryShaped]

Finally did get a call. Nothing shows up on ultrasound, which they told me after I called several times. TSH was over 5, so they're increasing levothyroxine again, third time this year. Thyroid Antibodies were "very high" meaning I have hashimoto's, a condition where the body attacks the thyroid. I asked, and there's nothing that can be done to make things better, they aren't looking into the swallowing further and seem to pretty much not believe me about it. I need a better primary doctor

[~Christina]

Yes you need a much better doctor !! Start looking now :sadhug;

[bizi]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I took a natural sedative, but it's not working at all. So, I'm probably not sleeping much, if at all, again tonight, again. I know how important sleep is, but I haven't been able to fix that for months.

@SorryShaped;6590773

Waht is the natural sedative?
bizi