“help, i really want to die”

Trigger Warning: I’m on Disability & always will be now unfortunately. I’ve not only got mental health issues as listed below. But also multiple painful physical ones too.

I’ve had 3 N.D.E.’s & we are getting to the point where we can hardly afford to live & could lose our house too that we’ve had for nearly 20 years.

I can’t do much as my husband is my Carer but when I can I really do try. I can’t even do volunteering as I’m just not well enough to.

I live in a rural coastal area which is very isolated and hours away from the city. Our children are all grown up & have left home along with many friends that have also moved a long way away. I hate it here & want to move nearer to the city.

Problem is property here has gone down whereas near the city it’s gone up a lot. My GP says I need to live closer to large medical services but nobody wants to buy a house here atm. We are literally stuck here!

There aren’t even many social events to go to. Those that they do have, we both don’t feel comfortable going to. Mainly because of socioeconomic reasons.

In other words we feel looked down upon because we don’t work. Along with all my “invisible disabilities” that nobody can see nor understands.

If it wasn’t for my husband I would have given up years ago. Problem is after years of traumatic health events with me have taken their toll on him now.

He’s also been diagnosed with Bipolar, Major Depression & Anxiety Disorder and he’s struggling too every single day. We both talk about different ways to commit suicide successfully.

It’s not because of mental illness or my physical illness atm.....it’s because of a huge lack of money. Without money we can’t survive. So that’s it in a nutshell.

Sometimes it’s so tough that we both feel like giving up literally....know what I mean? If we don’t get some help soon? I feel it’s just a matter of time until a double suicide shocks our small town.

There are no mental health services to help us out here anymore. There used to be but our Govt cut all rural mental health funding. Yet we have the highest rate of suicide in regional & rural areas than anywhere else in our country. BTW we live in Australia the not so “lucky country” anymore where our unemployment is at an all time high!

As good as it gets here, is that we get to see a visiting psychiatrist once every 5 months for half an hour & that’s it!

I’ve got to the stage where “I REALLY WANT TO DIE & SO DOES MY HUSBAND”!!!

This will be a terrible thing for my adult children & young grandchildren to deal with.

I don’t really want to do it but we have no support structures out here anymore and we are struggling financially so badly. My Carer husband is on the verge of a major breakdown right now too.

What made it worse was years ago just after we both had to leave our jobs because of my detiorting health issues, we both lost nearly all our money after the world financial crisis.

We now both have no money for us to rely on as we age. Apart from the old age pension which is no more than the disability pension that I’m on now. There’s so much more to it too.

Life has chipped far too much off of our shoulders. We’ve both begged for help but always get told “it’s too difficult” and/or “we’ve got no more funding for mental health out here” etc etc.

It’s as if these mental health professionals on the phone are saying “if you want to commit suicide....? Well then just go and do it, but don’t ring us about it”.

I’m so afraid of the psychological damage that this would do to our 2 adult children especially!

Problem is I keep really wanting to die! I haven’t been this bad for many, many years! It’s because of long term life stressors and lack of a decent lifestyle anymore.

We can’t even afford a reliable car & have spent a small fortune fixing the one we have. As out here one can’t survive without a car as there is no form of public transport out here at all. It’s so stressful driving a long way in the country never knowing when our car may break down or not? My nerves can hardly take it anymore & its making us both quite agrophobic which we’ve never been before.

We are both so overwhelmed and frightened by our bleak future....that death seems a better alternative. We are both only in our mid 50s and don’t have enough money to keep on living decently at all. We can’t find any way out no matter how hard we try.

Any ideas would be appreciated? As it may help me/us to keep on going for quite awhile longer.

My heart is broken now after finding my husband in the back room bawling his eyes out! That has truly broken me inside to see such a proud man like that now.

Lack of community, lack of humanity, lack of understanding and compassion is the main problem in western societies now. Nobody cares about anybody else especially not the Govt nor Corporations because they all just want business as usual. People just don’t count anymore because it’s all about the money!

Thank you for reading this & I appreciate any ideas that some of you may have after reading this.

Thanks again with much gratitude!

I agree that western society is breaking down. There is not enough opportunity out there for many young healthy people too! When too many people (especially if they are very young) in society drop out of the middle class and have no hope of rejoining or even ever having anything including a car, land, etc, our "democracies" will not last. I believe we are living in harder times than our governments (I am from the USA) really acknowledge. For instance, they say our unemployment rate is low but they count minimum wage, part time jobs that do not keep up with basic needs (there are people that work who go hungry!!!! I feed a member of my family all of the time who finally has a job but it is not enough for him to survive without our help) in that unemployment rate. {a broader Associated Press analysis of government records indicates that American suicides are now at their highest point in 50 years. (https://psmag.com/news/the-suicide-rate-is-at-its-highest-in-a-half-century)}



I don't know what to advise other than write your government officials and talk about your plight on here and on other platforms so that those of us who feel marginalized speak out. I am sorry things are so tough for you. We at PC are here for you!

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I struggle with money every month too. I'm on disability for my back and my 23 yr old son lives with me and has no concept of money. It's very frustrating. He has mental health issues too, but my family doesn't want him on disability. They want him in school or working. We barely manage every month.

I hope you continue to to fight. Your kids would be heartbroken if you took your lives. It's funny bc I assumed Australia had good social programs for the poor. I guess I was wrong.

Please keep fighting and trying! Keep us posted. Best of luck to you!

I'm so sorry you're struggling so. I find a lot of comfort and sense of purpose in coming here to Psych Central. I'm also on disability and struggle with bipolar and pain issues. My husband is on disability, too.

I think of my children as well when I think about wanting to die.

We are here for you.

Your best bet maybe to secure public housing in a large city and let go of the house.

Thanks for your reply @Miguel’smom
We thought of exactly what you’ve suggested. However we’ve got two major problems and they are:

1./ As we currently own most of our house we aren’t allowed to by law to put our names down for public housing. So home owners are excluded from putting their name down no matter what their plight.

2./ As our Govt sold off so many Housing Trust Houses over the years to raise more money, there aren’t that many left any more. Which means we’d have to wait around 20 years to even get to the top of the list to get one. It’s sad but true!

Thank you so much for your suggestion & your support because it means a lot to me.

We’ll be ok I’m sure. It’s just a kind of day to day battle atm but I keep on trying to trust that things will get better.

Hope your having a good weekend!

Thanks again.

Bowie’sLady.

Hi again,

I just replied to you but am not sure that you will know as your username Miguel’smom didn’t come out in blue print.

I won’t write it out all again but it’s above in the thread. I’m still getting used to using the PC forum.

I’ve written about the issue that you’ve suggested above. I wish it was doable? But with our Govt’s rules it’s impossible as I’ve explained above.

Thanks again because your support means a lot to me.

Take care,

From Bowie’sLady

Hi there @TunedOut

Thanks so much for your reply. I totally agree with you on every thing that you’ve written about. I’ve got a friend in the US who’s husband is a Veteran on disability too. They find everything really tough to deal with especially the VA office.

As you both served in the military you should be treated a whole lot better after what you sacrificed for your country. I’m glad that you finally got some health care in the end. I do know that in the US if people can’t afford health care life can be really hard for them which isn’t right at all.

At least we do have Medicare which covers all Australians whom can’t afford private health insurance. However we have some politicians here that to save money want us not to have universal cover for everybody. As you can imagine just the thought of this frightens so many of us. But in the end I don’t think it will happen because they’d lose too many votes then. Lol

Yeah I know what you mean when you say that unemployment may be low there but the minimum wage in the US is a lot lower than here which is really unfair imho. Our Govt fiddle with the figures too to make things sound better than they are.

I’m so sorry to hear that because of economics you tried to take your own life but I’m really glad that you survived especially for your children. That must have been really tough and makes me realise that it can be such a tragic thing to do. Life can be very hard for some of us and not for others.

We both used to have good Govt jobs too until I became really sick and kept on getting more diagnoses year after year. So we’ve gone down from being middle class that’s for sure. We don’t want to lose our house either? But it’s not the repayments that are the problem. It’s the cost of living like food & utilities. Then forever paying to fix our old car & call the plumber out every 4 months or so as we’ve got old pipes.

My husband is on a Carers pension and I’m on Disability but it’s never enough to cover all the bills and live decently. I’m sure that we’ll get by because we always do. In Australia we are lucky I guess to have the social welfare system that we have. As some countries don’t at all as you probably know.

Your right we all have to keep on writing to various Govt departments/officials to make them aware of our plight. Too many western societies like us in Australia, NZ, the US, the UK & many countries in Europe are all having the same problems. Mental health is increasing and so is poverty. I sometimes don’t know what it will take to make all our Govt’s “wake up” to the needs of their people.

Thanks so much for your reply and your support because it means a lot to me, it truly does. Don’t worry I’ll be ok it’s just great to be able to write to others that understand how I feel. I hope that everything keeps on getting better for you and your family too because you really deserve it!

Thanks again,

Take Care,

From Bowie’sLady

Hi there @rose1985

I’m sorry to hear that your struggling too. It must be hard with your son at home too. I really hope that he’s able to get a job? However that’s not always easy especially when people have mental health issues as well.

Your right that Australia does have some things going for us such as Medicare. Medicare is good because it covers everyone that can’t afford private health insurance. I think also from what I’ve read & heard that our payments for Disability are better than in the US too. But our cost of living is very high here too.

Social programs such as helping us to move to a more suitable location are non existent unfortunately. It’s just unfortunate that because the economy isn’t going very well here many rural areas have devalued. Which makes it hard for us to afford a very small home even an hour away from the city. In the end it’s like every man or woman for themselves.

Don’t worry I’m a fighter & refuse to let my current economic circumstances determine whether I live or die. Your right too that it would destroy my adult children & upset my young grandchildren forever. It’s not the legacy that I want to leave behind forever.

Thanks so much for your reply and support because it means a lot to me. I hope that everything gets better for you and your son too.

All the best,

Take Care,

From Bowie’sLady

Hi, I’m here in Australia and wanted to know if you’re able to access NDIS.
It’s a pain getting a complicated referral from your GP but once you’re in the system it’s a free service.
In my area health service it falls under the umbrella of ‘one door mental health.’ In other areas it would be called something else.
I’m not rural but I do know that phone support and Skype is used by some areas.
Please don’t give up. There are resources out there- they’re just sometimes hard to find.
Take care.

Hi there @Travelinglady

I totally understand your dilemma too because it’s hard enough having mental health issues without chronic pain issues as well. My husband is my Carer but now that he’s getting older, he’s got pain problems too due to bulging discs in his lumbar spine.

It’s very difficult sometimes as you would know too. However we all have to stay strong I know especially for our children. I’ve got grandchildren as well & don’t want to leave such a tragic legacy behind.

I’m glad that I posted here on PC after so long because so many people have been so supportive and very kind to me.

Thanks so much for your support and your reply because it really means a lot to me.

All the best,

Take Care,

From Bowie’sLady