[AltruisticTrout]

I don't understand what constitutes a need for a trigger warning but I do make a brief mention of SI so I guess this is the warning.

It would be silly to say I am new to this whole bipolar thing as I've always been like this. I've just never realized that the way I have always been isn't the way everyone else is. Since my diagnosis a few months back I've been learning how to finally put a name to the various episodes that disrupt my daily life. This one, however, has me stumped and frankly pretty freaked out.
I have been full go for about 11 days now. Usually these manic episodes consist of untouchable glee and a sense of invincibility. This time I am all over the place. I become fixated on some thought that sends me into depression, but instead of lying still and quiet as I usually do I can't sit still.
I just finished a 6 day house sitting gig for my boss. On a regular day I come into the warehouse behind her house and work about 6 hours. Being there all day and night I began to work organizing every single product in the place. Each day I would wake at 4:30 or so in the morning, sorting and cleaning until midnight without stopping except to grab the rare snack (and of course drink water and pee. I think that's what lithium is best for) Only by the grace of Ativan and Nyquil could I get a couple hours of sleep.
My body can't handle this. I'm in pretty poor health as it is (but unfortunately being in poor health is terribly expensive), yet I move until I physically can't. I had to work barefoot because I could no longer wedge my swollen feet into shoes. When my body finally gave out for the day I would sit and crawl until nausea became too much to handle.
My thoughts race, but instead of those happy untouchable thoughts they are the not so friendly ones about feeling useless, bemoaning my declining health, or the current stressors. I have all the thoughts about why I shouldn't even bother anymore, a dying person is just a burden anyway, but none of the common sense that tells me not to act on these thoughts.
Wedged into this veritable briar patch of adrenaline fuelled negativity are snippets of racing thoughts. The head radio is especially loud right now. The peripheral shadows are moving around a lot more, and someone keeps yelling angrily at me but I cant make out what is said. I find myself speaking aloud bits of phrases I remember from books or song lyrics as my head recites them to me. I regret now that before the heart attacks I had a nearly eidetic memory.
The world is like it is when I am overstimulated, too loud, too bright, too much, but I can't hide and refuse to leave my home until it becomes quieter either. I finally set up my own bank account a week ago. It was embarrassing explaining to the lady setting up my account that I have had three different last names, that my first marriage ended in death and my second ended 3 weeks after it began. I keep thinking about that, replaying that conversation wishing i had just lied. I have this weird sense of justice that keeps me far too honest for anyone to feel comfortable around me.
I want this, whatever it is to stop. Its agonizing. My body hurts, my chest is heavy, and I feel like my head is full of spiders. I have felt like this before, years ago, but I don't remember how it ended. I have trouble remembering anything on command anymore. I can't seem to follow conversations well right now either. I only keep a couple friends these days and I tried to call one earlier today (yesterday?) but I couldn't follow so I gave up. Luckily this friend is incredibly forgiving.
Maybe I just need quality sleep. That sort of thing has been in very short supply. I emailed my head doctor finally and I am supposed to see her in a few days. I think she is unhappy with me waiting so long to come in but I simply cannot financially afford to miss any work this month.
So I guess I should get to the point: what is this? Why on earth am I doing this, and how do I make it stop? I feel so out of control, and it is becoming pretty scary. I know right now I am safe from myself, but I don't feel safe from anything else.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can't answer your question about what this may precisely be, AltruisticTrout, as I'm not a medical expert. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you and that I've read ALL of what you wrote. I am DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting so much, my dear, sweet friend! I am REALLY HAPPY to hear that you've decided to contact your Doctor and get some help. That is the right thing to do. Hopefully she'll be able to help you. I don't think she'll be disappointed once she hears what you've been dealing with and how much have you been struggling. It'd be hard for ANYONE, after all! Be honest with her like you've always been and hopefully things will start to improve. One day at the time, one step at the time. Remember to take baby steps. You've got this. I know you do. Please be kind to yourself. You're worth it. Your Life is worth it. Things CAN and WILL get better. Just keep trying and let's hope for the BEST outcome, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and ALL of your Dear Kind Loved Ones, @AltruisticTout! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER AND YOU'RE WORTH IT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! .grouphug:

[fern46]

This sounds like a manic episode with mixed features. That basically means you're manic, but you have features of depression mixed in with it. Racing thoughts along with agitation. Decreased need for sleep, irritability, etc.

Mixed episodes can be quite difficult. I'm glad you're going in to see your doctor. I hope this resolves for you soon.

Mixed Bipolar Disorder Symptoms, Causes, and Treatments

[Jedi67]

I suffer with mixed manic states often and they are the worst. I hope you feel better soon. keep reaching out here. we are all here to help. Glad to hear you will be seeing your doc! all the best and I hope this gets taken care of promptly!

Definitely sounds like a mixed state to me. They're awful, aren't they! I'm sorry you're going through this, hope you feeling better soon, and sending warm hugs

[Blueberrybook]

Sounds like mixed to me too with a lot of mania. I am diagnosed bipolar 1 with mixed features, and for me, the stupid mixed state rarely leaves unless I am in a complete manic or depressed state. I tend to be a bit hypomanicky because of not taking all the prescribed dose of Seroquel, but honestly, I have iron anemia too and just couldn’t do a thing, I was so tired.

I would suggest calling your pdoc, seeing if you can get an urgent appointment. Mentioning lack of sleep pretty much guarantees my pdoc will call me and get me onto his schedule ASAP. I always get more manic the less I sleep, so sometimes I get prescribed extra meds for sleep until I am sleeping better and the manic phase has passed.

But the last time I had an episode similar to what you are describing, my pdoc wanted my in the psych hospital ASAP. I only avoided hospitalization by having H come in with me to appts, promising he would call if I didn’t sleep enough , and pdoc appts every other day or so and calls in between.

[AltruisticTrout]

This episode took a weird, yet fortunate turn.. I think.. in at least that it ended. I wound up in the ER a few days ago. I had been some tunnel vision, facial numbness, and apparently I was pretty difficult to understand. I don't remember much about going in, only that they decided to keep me to do a cardiac work up. At some point I was given a sedative. When that didn't do the trick they gave me more. I slept for at least a full 24 hours. I woke up and the shadows were gone, the weird loud thoughts were quieter, and no more time gaps.
I was finally released today. No cardiac event, thankfully, and no psych hospitalization, even more thankfully. I might not have a job anymore (it seems my boss is afraid to work me right now) but that might be ok too.
I still don't know what started this whole episode, but I guess I just have to be a little more mindful of my behavior than I have been in recent weeks. I appreciate all of the responses. I did some quickie research on mised episodes and this sounds pretty spot on. Wow, what a scary ride. Let's not do this one again Haha.

[fern46]

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad you are feeling better and that you got some rest. Be sure to practice strict self care and get the proper amount of rest over the next few weeks if you can. Yes, mixed episodes are a crazy scary ride. I'm thankful this one ended for you without too much trauma. Sending wishes for wellness and peace.