[cloudstrife]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums, and I joined because I feel like I need to talk to people that may understand or help me understand how I'm feeling.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar a couple of years ago, now I'm 33. As I'm sure a lot of you will understand it was difficult to accept at first but also made a lot of sense of my past.

Initially I was put on Lamotrigine as a stabiliser. After a bad episode I was then put on anti-psychotics - Olanzapine. That seemed to really help me and I manage to unf*ck my life and get back on track.

Last December I decided to quit alcohol and caffeine, 8 months now! And I think that has also helped me, so much so I asked the psych about coming off meds and he took me off the lamotrigine gradually. Now I'm just on a really small dose of olanzapine (2.5mg).

For quite some time I've felt fine - or so I thought.

I've been struggling to concentrate at work and actually get any work done - I have plenty to be getting on with but I do everything else except work. This has been going on for quite some time, I mentioned it to my psych the last couple of visits but got no reaction. It's gotten worse and worse.

That in turn makes me feel a bit *****. Going home at the end of the day feeling very guilty, and worried at any minute I'll get sacked.

Then over the last couple of weeks I've noticed myself being irritable, short patienced, particularly at home with my wife and son. Nothing majorly bad, but just being short when I know I shouldn't be.

And when I get home, after putting son to bed, I do my own thing - I like playing video games and watching netflix to relax. But I'm struggling to play a game longer than 40 minutes, I get fed up, can't be bothered. Then when I'm watching my favourite shows I get bored, flick through my phone, get up wander around. Turn the tv off, think I'm bored, switch it back on struggle for a bit longer.

I'd like to do other stuff than just play video games or watch tv, like drawing (my wife got me a book i wanted on how to draw for father's day), but I just can't be bothered, it will take too much effort or I know I will be bored in no time.

Then I've been going to bed earlier than usual because I feel really tired, around 9.30pm, and sleep till after 7am. I've also had weird sleep over the past few weeks - having really vivid and horrible dreams and then waking up not feeling rested.

At work I don't speak to people that much, a few calls with colleagues and passing pleasantries on a cig break. But generally I really wish I could avoid the contact, I almost dread it, I can't be bothered with it, but when i do I am able to socialise or discuss quite happily.

Ultimately I'm worried that something is not right, but i don't really feel depressed. I have a good job, nice home, lovely wife and son, everything seems fine. And I seem to be coping OK - at least on the outside.

Sorry this has been a long post, if you've read this far, thank you for taking it in! I was hoping that someone could relate, or maybe just tell me I am over analysing my feelings.

Does it sound like I'm being paranoid about my bipolar or is there something wrong?

Thanks,

[Jedi67]

sorry you are going through a rough patch, and welcome to the PC forums. please, keep reaching out here, cloudstrife. was it perhaps too soon to take you off of the lamictal? when I'm stable and feeling good and euthymic, I tend to dwell upon not needing so many meds. it's common. congrats on quitting the java and alcohol, too. with all of your symptoms, and kudos for recognizing them, perhaps re-evaluating with your PDoc about your meds would be a good idea and tell them what's been going on. do you see a T regularly? maybe CBT therapy? you can learn some incredible coping skills and mechanisms to help you deal day to day. it also sounds like you were going through a bit of mania. definitely address that with your PDoc. I can totally relate to almost everything you stated. I don't think you are overthinking imo. I genuinely feel you are struggling. I hope everything works out! sending best wishes your way, and please keep updating us here. welcome!

Welcome to the forums, cloudstrife!

I can relate to that casting about feeling you describe. Do this, nah, bored, something else, nah, not that, not sure what to do with myself. Sometimes I will think something like, "I should put some music on", when in fact I've already got some playing(!) What's up with THAT?! Also, issues with concentration. I have to take extra pains with everything (especially numbers, which I work with a LOT), so as not to make constant distracted mistakes.

I don't know if you're overthinking. I know you say you don't think you're depressed, but are you maybe a bit? I noticed that in listing why you don't think you're depressed, you listed external things, reasons why you "shouldn't" be depressed. We can sometimes experience depression when all around us appears well. We can check off all the boxes. If everything's great, why do I feel like this?

Do you normally dread contact with your coworkers? Or is that a more recent development?

cloudstrirfe, welcome to the Psych Central bipolar group! We always enjoy welcoming new members here. I find the members here to be particularly supportive and with great experience to share. I appreciate that you shared about this topic.

I totally agree with with Jedi and Innerzone. I noticed Jedi mentioned possible hypomania and Innerzone possible depression. I'm kind of thinking both, honestly. Or specifically, perhaps mixed features where you have some mild symptoms of both simultaneously, and other times more of one than the other. That is not uncommon at all, and I think you are likely not over analyzing. That's not to say you're having very worrisome symptoms, but it's important, from my experience, to catch these things in their early stages. My insight into my mood fluctuations has improved over the years. It sounds like you've got some insight pretty early on. I bet you quitting the alcohol and caffeine truly helps with that. By the way, congratulations for doing that! My psychiatrist would love if I totally cut those out. Though I haven't, I have cut down significantly. I, too, saw a positive difference when I did.

I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I think you might want to emphasize these things a little more when you see your doctor or therapist again. I realize that sometimes they don't fully listen, if the situation doesn't quite sound dire, but they need to know you have a worrisome change going on. It's their responsibility to help you to not have worsening symptoms.

[Nammu]

I can't add anything to the wise words already said but I wanted to you to PC

[fern46]

Welcome to PC! I agree with BirdDancer. My first thought was a mixed state. I also agree with her it is best to tackle states like these before they spiral out of control. I hope your psychiatrist listens to you, but please do not hesitate to let them know you feel like your problems are not being treated if they dismiss you again. You are suffering and they can help.

I wish you all the best and I hope this resolves for you soon so you can once again enjoy your life as you wish.

[yellow_fleurs]

While of course I do not know what is actually going on with you personally, what you are saying reminds me of depression I experienced recently. It was mild and maybe partly situational. I needed to kind of get out of a funk at work related to a project among other things. Hard to say what caused what as I had a hard time concentrating so maybe that was the cause of the difficulty at work. I do get a bit irritable when depressed, too. If you think it's depression and it's mild maybe therapy or lifestyle changes could bring your mood up a bit. Since you're noticing it after a med change seems like a good reason to talk to your doctor.

[Skeezyks]

Welcome to Psych Central, cloudstrife.

I'm not a mental health professional. And in fact I don't even know that much about psychology or mental health. But, to me, what you describe sounds like depression... (perhaps the depression aspect of your bipolar disorder?) A lot of it sounds like the way it has been for me over the years. You may not "feel" like you're depressed. But, at least from my perspective, depression can be complicated. It doesn't always manifest in the ways we typically imagine it will. And having a nice home, a good job, & a loving wife & son don't insulate a person from being depressed.

I was never a person who couldn't get out of bed. I got up & did what needed to be done. (I still do.) I "coped" at least on the outside. But, like you, my ability to concentrate was poor & I could find all sorts of things to do except what I needed to be doing. Over the years, I had lots of different things I became interested in, & dabbled in, but never stuck with long enough to make anything of it. I've also never been much of a socializer &, in fact, at this stage of my life (I'm an older man now) I'm pretty-much thoroughly reclusive.

You asked if you're being paranoid about your bipolar or if there's something wrong. I can't tell you that. That's for you to decide along with whatever mental health professionals you have in your life. However my personal non-professional opinion would be that if the day-to-day patterns you are finding yourself in continue, & you can't shake them, you may want to consider addressing more directly what you're experiencing.

Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of depression in men:

Men and Depression: How Male Depression Really IS Different | What is TMS?

Depression in Men: It Looks Different Than You Might Think

10 Things You Should Know About Male Depression

12 Depression Busters for Men

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[cloudstrife]

Thank you all for the warm welcome! And for all your comments. It's nice to be able to talk about this with people who understand. It feels good to have someone relate.

I noticed last night me sighing heavily, putting my head on my desk in despair, my wife asking if I'm OK. We got a leak in the kitchen ceiling and have a £1400 repair bill which just adds to my worries. And yesterday I spent a lot of time on cig breaks feeling a bit stir crazy, telling myself I'm fine. For the first time in a long time I had the fleeting thought like I wanted to run a blade across my arm just to let out the built up mix of emotions inside me. I didn't do it, and I won't, but the last time I did it was a similar thing - born out of complete frustration.

I am wondering if it's my recent lack of being able to get on with work that has triggered things - frustration, boredom, anxiety, confusion. I don't know.

@Jedi67 - To be honest I want to come off my meds altogether, it's a little scary but I worry about the long term side effects of taking them. The doctor seemed happy enough with my progress to take me off the lamictal. I see a psych about every 6 months, and I try and be as honest as possible about how I am feeling. I've heard of CBT but my psych has never disussed it with me, I don't know much about it.

@Innerzone - I don't normally dread contact with coworkers, but I'm sure I've been here before with the whole feeling of just wanting to be left alone. It's slowly started over the past couple of weeks I think.

@BirdDancer - I had wondered about mixed features but didn't think there was enough apparent of hypomania. And it's good to hear you don't think it's very worrisome, I'd agree - I'm not having thoughts of suicide or just wishing I wasn't alive that I am more familiar with from past depression. My next appointment is in October, I'll try and remember to list these symptoms. Though as time goes on you can forget just how you felt exactly, I'[ll do my best.

@Nammu - thanks for the welcome!

@fern46 - Thanks for your support. I will try and mention all these things when i see the psych again, and hopefully they listen.

@yellow_fleurs - Thanks for the suggestions. I'm not sure what lifestyle changes to make, we moved house last year to a new area, start of the year I changed roles in my company to my dream job, I'm on a diet to lose weight, i recently trying to grow a beard (LOL!), I'm not sure what other changes to make. I could start running with the new shoes I got for v-day but never used but to be honest at the moment i really can't be bothered.

@Skeezyks - Thanks for your comments, I have been the same - I've pretty much always been able to get out of bed and hold down a job (for 13 years), I got very good starting from my early teens of putting on a reasonably good face despite the pain of depression I would go through. I guess a lot of people get good at that! Thanks for the articles, I confess I skim read them but I found some very relatable points in them with how I'm feeling just now.

Stopping drinking and caffeine I think has definitely helped, and was easier than I thought it would be, I know if I were to start drinking again right now I would likely go down a very dark path. I was craving a whiskey last night for the first time in months and managed to resist, because I know it won't lead anywhere good.

Thanks for all your feedback, it does sound like something may be a little wonky though nothing full blown. I'm not sure what to do next, where can I go from here to stop anything becoming to full blown? I don't want to be swallowed up by the darkness again, and I sure as hell don't want the mania to take hold and **** up my life again.

[sarahsweets]

Welcome. I have BPII and this is just my opinion: I do not believe someone with bipolar should ever be off meds. I mean I know people do it and make it but IME its only a matter of time before your remission ends and you need meds again. I also understand your desire to be off meds. I have not met a single bipolar person who hasnt gone of meds at some point or wanted to be off meds. I think its one of our characteristics- we feel better and come off them and wham! it B**ch smacks us. Or we are non compliant. I went through a few years of not taking my antipsychotics at all or as directed. My doctor wanted me on a certain dose and I was worried about gaining weight or just a higher dose so I refused. I suffered horrible periods of mental fugue and mood change, and combative mood changes. My family suffered. I am also an alcoholic in recovery and IMO drinking and bipolar do not mix. Keep your chin up.

[*Beth*]

Hi Cloudstrife, What you've described in your OP is exactly what I call "agitated mania." For me, that means a mixed state, but instead of a euphoric mania, it's a dysphoric mania - and a depression.

BD frequently manifests as an agitated mania for me. The edginess, anger, agitation, anxiety - coupled with a moderate depression. Not a pleasant state of being!

It does not sound like you're over-reacting to having symptoms of (dysphoric) manic/depression, at all. When I read your post, in my mind I saw a red flag.

I believe that restarting Lamictal would be an excellent idea. I'll add that the problem with entirely stopping Lamictal is that to reach a therapeutic dose we have to start out so slowly for the first month or more. So completely stopping it when we know we have BD, and know that Lamictal has stabilized us, puts us in the position of having to climb the medication mountain all over again.

btw, I want to commend you for kicking the caffeine and alcohol. That's a major accomplishment.

[cloudstrife]

Sorry my posts are still being moderated because I'm new so there's a long delay between me posting them and appearing on the site.

@sarahsweets - thanks for your response. Yeah, I don't know what it is about being on meds that in general I don't like, but my main concern is the long term side effects of using these drugs. I'm thinking about 33, i got a lot of life ahead of me (hopefully!), and think what being on these drugs for 30-40 years might do. But maybe the alternative is worse e.g. suffering from depression or mania and the impact it might have on my life and particularly my family.

@BethRags - thanks for your response. It's good to have someone relate and that i'm not just over analysing. I could ask about restarting the Lamictal but my psych warned me before coming off them that they might not be as effective the next time round. He warned me about that in coming off drugs in general, that sometimes the next time they don't work so well or at all.

Yesterday for about an hour I felt really great again, or "normal", just happy. But it soon faded and left me feeling that something isn't right because I felt happy for a short while which provided a comparison to my current mood. I don't feel all that bad right now, but did go to sleep at 9.10pm last night - I felt tired and couldn't be bothered to do anything else. My wife was a little upset that I didn't bother saying goodnight to her, but I couldn't be bothered with that either and partly because if i go through saying i'm going to bed I don't want her thinking something is wrong.

I'm not sure what to do. 😞 At least right now it's a little frustrating and I'm not having full blown mania or depression.

I really appreciate all your comments, it helps tremendously knowing I'm not alone and having people that can relate or offer advice.

Cheers,