[tecomsin]

I don't think my hurt feelings help me cope with bipolar or that bipolar helps me deal with hurt feelings. It seems like the other way around. How do you deal with hurt feelings? I am seeing my pdoc today so that is good. At least I will get out of the house.

When I am upset and angry at people I isolate even more. I have so few face to face relationships it is kind of scary to be giving one up but i have to also face the fact that this person cares little or not at all about my feelings.

[tecomsin]

I feel good that at least I told this person what upset me and how I found their apology insulting too.

[tecomsin]

My friend dumped me in the middle of an outing when another friend called her to invite her over. When i texted her later that my feelings were hurt at being unceremoniously dumped back at my house on a beautiful day to spend in the park, she briefly apologized and then explained the reason she skipped out on me to see her friend instead. She specifically referred to what she discussed with her friend and how important it was to her to do that.

It's like she doesn't even realize how insulting her 'apology' and 'explanation' was. She has not once acknowledged she hurt my feelings. She only says she is sorry and then wants to move all. The last text I got from her was that she didn't know how to respond to 'all this'.

She also ghosted me the week I was waiting for my cancer scan results.

[tecomsin]

I did get some help from Christina in the check in thread about what was missing from my 'friend's' apology and was able to send a text

You have not once acknowledged that you hurt my feelings, nor have you said you would be mindful of them in the future. You just say your sorry and repeat that you don't know what to say, so that is what is missing in your statements. They are not a real apology because they don't acknowledge my feelings of hurt.

I feel now i have done every thing I can do to give her a chance to make amends and repair our relationship. I am powerless over what she will or will not do but I do feel good that I have made my expectations very clear and set boundaries on what our conversations can be about. She doesn't have conversations about my feelings about her. That's not on the allowed list.

[tecomsin]

I am not going to let this slide either. If she tries to divert, change the subject, or say once again that she has already 'apologized and doesn't know what else to say' then it is over and I won't text or contact her again.

[~Christina]

I’m glad you were able to see your T

It is hard to dig in and not budge when it comes to standing your ground.

The thought of losing a in real life human being “ friend” is so hard.

I think most anyone struggling with Bipolar or any mental illness has a difficult time maintaining face to face friendships.... I know personally I have had to bow out of plans if I’m just not doing well mentally.

Personally if it were me I would want and need validation that the other person really “ understands” how it all made me feel.

Maybe given a bit of time she will be able to really look at the situation and her actions and realize that she really has hurt you.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Personally if it were me I would want and need validation that the other person really “ understands” how it all made me feel.

Maybe given a bit of time she will be able to really look at the situation and her actions and realize that she really has hurt you.

I haven't gotten that feeling of validation from her 'apologies'. There is no recognition in them that I have feelings at all. She apologized for her actions but not for how they affected me, or "I already said I'm sorry and don't know what else to say" kind of response.

Except she hasn't responded to my last text where I explain what is missing from her apologies.

I haven't heard back from her. It's been more than a day or two now. I don't think she is able to consider my feelings, and this is just a very clear example.

I mean her dumping me in the middle of our outing together to go spend time with another friend instead. It's like a person who doesn't think ahead if she will want to ever see that person again.

[tecomsin]

I've been having thoughts for a while that my friend is a narcissist and didn't have genuine feelings of concern for me but only for what I could do for her, so I had written before about feeling used as a supply to her ego.

Part of my emotional reaction to this situation is that is just confirms in a very clear way, what doubts I had previously that we had any kind of real friendship rather than a convenient arrangement that suited her wants for awhile.

It has taken a profound experience of rejection to get me to stop avoiding this realization.

[MickeyCheeky]

It is important not to isolate ourselves, tecomsin. However it is ALSO important to choose and pick our friendships! That friend doesn't seem too supportive so I'd say that you did GOOD by standing up for yourself! It is not easy but it is necessary sometimes! Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be able to find other people who care about you. Just give it time. For the time being be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself! That was VERY BRAVE of you! I hope your Pdoc and your therapist are helping you out right now as well! It is hard to mantain relationships with Bipolar but it is not impossible. You can do this and you've got this! I PROMISE YOU THAT! Please believe in yourself and don't you EVER give up hope, ok? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself! PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You are important and you matter! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and ALL the people you love and who love you, tecomsin!

[tecomsin]

Thanks MickeyCheeky. That's good advise not to isolate. I was out at my Emotions Anonymous meeting yesterday and am meeting another friend for lunch today who I have seen less often. I reached out to a number of people where I live when I found out my Dad is dying of pancreatic cancer, so I am now texting with 4 people I hadn't been in regular contact with and they are all supportive.

I am dealing with the fact that I had a fake friendship, not with someone who genuinely cares for my well being. And it went on for many years.

I am also posting here and another online community and appreciate everyone who replies. It's acutely painful experience to be dumped that way and then get such empty, hollow apologies followed by persistent attempts to change the subject and her writing to me that she didn't know what to do about 'all this' when I explained to her what hurt my feelings.

[tecomsin]

So my friend texted back:
" I apologize again. What I did Saturday was rude and inconsiderate. I am sorry if it hurt your feelings."

I had written to her that her apologies were missing acknowledging that she hurt my feelings. That is as far as she will go by writing "IF". There is no if. I made it clear that my feelings were hurt by being dumped on an outing we had so she could go be with another friend instead. She simply won't write down the words "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."

[fern46]

Just tossing this out, but it sounds like your friend is trying. I can see how someone would write if in that sentence and not mean anything other than she's genuinely sorry. Perhaps it is time to take her at her word that she is sorry. She did a crappy thing and all you can do is forgive her or stop being friends with her. I think she just seems confused and maybe isn't the world's greatest with words.

The question really is whether or not you feel she is truly remorseful. If not, you still have a problem. If so, you're good.

[tecomsin]

Hi fern46, I appreciate your sharing. I feel like I need some input which is why I am posting here. It's 10 days until I see my pdoc and I might not get back to her until after I see him. She took several days to respond to me and that is all she wrote. I feel disappointed and let down by her apology.

I had tried to explain what was missing in her apology for me, which was an acknowledgement of my feelings. But I can see that is not going any further, she isn't capable of that. I think you are right that my only choice is to forgive her or stop being friends.

I don't think she is truly remorseful. I don't recall her ever saying to me that she experienced remorse for anything. I don't think it is in her repertoire. As I have written before, I had thought for a long time she was a narcissist but I didn't expect her to be so blatantly disregarding of my interests and welfare.

[tecomsin]

I've decided not to contact this person for awhile. I am not able to forgive them. I still feel a lot of pain when i think about what they did and how they went about it.

[tecomsin]

I feel that I need to vent.

I expressed my feelings because I wanted her to know how I felt and I had hoped to be able to hold on to the relationship and repair it. But I didn't get any feeling of connection with her when she wrote back. I got the feeling she just wanted me to get over it so we could go back to our weekly lunches.

I think I had made a big mistake when I started paying for her meals years ago because she didn't make a lot of money and because she was doing the driving on our outings. I think this is when she started to devalue me.

I realized that expecting basic human respect was too much to ask because she doesn't consider my feelings, even when she was apologizing. It was something she was doing because she had been taught as a child to say sorry but not have any heartfelt contrition about it.

I had become her backup friend. Once her best friend called then it didn't matter that we had plans for the afternoon, now all that mattered was seeing her friend instead.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Ezrigirl]

When I am dealing with hurt feelings. I just close up, and withdraw from people until I can settle the issue alone as normal.

[tecomsin]

I felt better yesterday when I realized i had made a new friend who I can go out to lunches and to the park with.

She is in my support group and lives much closer to me than the friend whom I lost. We laughed together and had a nice time. I am hoping this will be a much healthier relationship. I feel like I gave my old friend the chance to reach out and repair the rupture she created by dumping me on our outing to see another friend instead, but that is not something she was really interested in doing.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I felt better yesterday when I realized i had made a new friend who I can go out to lunches and to the park with.

She is in my support group and lives much closer to me than the friend whom I lost. We laughed together and had a nice time. I am hoping this will be a much healthier relationship. I feel like I gave my old friend the chance to reach out and repair the rupture she created by dumping me on our outing to see another friend instead, but that is not something she was really interested in doing.

I’m glad you made a new friend. Hopefully, it will be healthier as you said. I’m sorry you were hurt by your other friend.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I felt better yesterday when I realized i had made a new friend who I can go out to lunches and to the park with.


She is in my support group and lives much closer to me than the friend whom I lost. We laughed together and had a nice time. I am hoping this will be a much healthier relationship. I feel like I gave my old friend the chance to reach out and repair the rupture she created by dumping me on our outing to see another friend instead, but that is not something she was really interested in doing.

I’m happy for you ! You deserve to have a healthy friendship and someone you know through a support group sounds like a good fit

I think you will hear from your old friend at some point. Might be a day late and a dollar short tho

[tecomsin]

Thank you Jennifer and Christina,

I am also happy to be able to post about some good news. I feel like my father's death has brought me closer to other people.

About my old friend, I had also met her in a (different) support group, but we didn't have as much in common and I noticed kind of a coldness or indifference in her at the beginning, whereas my new friend is much more passionate about things.

[tecomsin]

I didn't respond after my old friend's last text. Today I got another text from her. I found it pretty condescending. I guess she can't imagine that I haven't gotten in contact with her for any other reason than I am not feeling well. She wrote 'I hope you are doing well, enjoying the good weather we are having. Remember to take care of yourself.'

I don't need her reminders to take care of myself.

[~Christina]

She probably “ thinks” she is behaving in a nice caring way. Some people just never understand how they have hurt people.

[bizi]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, glad that you can move on.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

She probably “ thinks” she is behaving in a nice caring way. Some people just never understand how they have hurt people.

I completely agree with you and that is why I feel it is hopeless. What she writes to me seems empty and meaningless, like there is no feeling behind it. She hasn't asked for my forgiveness or other ways to make amends. I just get this icy, cold feeling when I read what she writes.

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, glad that you can move on.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks bizi. It has been a hard time. I have the flu, my Dad died, I lost my best friend and had my sister triangulate using my son against me to make me look bad in his eyes.

We were friends for more than 5 years and now I reallze that the whole thing was built on an illusion that she actually cared for my feelings. It is a process to accept and mourn the loss.