[Aviza]

But people can't really tell unless I tell them. I truly want to die. I'm just done trying. I'm not suicidal. My life keeps repeating, I'm not getting whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn.

I may have cancer, I hope it's deadly I have told people I'm fine if I die. But I still make future plans. If it comes to chemo I will refuse it.

Basically people in my family have some major health issue at 45, some die, some live to be 80's. Dad lived to 60's. I just feel like it's over for me, I give up.

I have no family that really loves me and wants me here. I'm tired of being used and abused. I hate that I went crazy, it screwed up my whole life. I may seem stable but honestly I'm not the person I wanted to be and have lost all hope of becoming that person.

I'm just ready to go, and I hope God is calling me home.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Aviza, I am so sorry you are suffering.

How long have you been unwell?

I have felt the way you feel. I have often said I don't welcome cancer, but if I had it, I would not agree to treatment. To some degree, for me, this was depression talking.
When there are relatively young deaths within a family, each following generation feel their days are marked.

It sounds like you are currently passively suicidal? I say passively because you are not putting a lot of effort into committing suicide, but you are willing to sit back and to allow it to happen. I have been there.

I am sorry you have family who does not care. I have seen many people report their families do not care, when, in fact, their families do care but just do not know what to do about their loved ones pain. Of course, you know your family best.

You've written you hope God is calling you home. I'd like to point out the fact that although you wish God is calling you home, you have reached out here about the depth of your pain. Maybe your God will bring you some help through the love shown here at PC? At any rate, I hope you will find some encouragement and some hope via both your interactions here and elsewhere.

I can only hope you will be touched by at least one small spark of hope.

Please keep reaching out here and wherever you find helpful.

[Aviza]

Well I've been researching there's only a 1 percent chance of cancer. I'm not to thrilled with idea of losing my sex, fertility parts if I have cancer. I love sex. My mom had a hysterectomy years ago hates sex.

I'm into keeping my body parts, doctors are against me having more kids therefore they would plan to remove those parts.

I really only like the treatment that promotes our body healing itself, that is not likely to be my recommended treatment. But that is the only treatment I'm open to. I believe our body can heal itself, if that is God's will.

I have prayed to die, so why would I fight death if it's coming my way? Sexual sins are my greatest sins so it's no surprise it would lead to my demise, if in fact it does.

[Wild Coyote]

Maybe you have committed no sin? Maybe you are being too hard on yourself?

You have reached out here. How can we best help you?

[Nevuary]

Your post took my breath away. My heart aches for the place you are in, because I have also been in the deepest despair. This is a time to love yourself as much as you can. I know it is difficult in this state of mind, but I hope you can find some solace in the fact that this community cares about you.


It is so difficult when your mind has taken over and what you see is so dark. A rule that I have learned to live by is that if I would not say it or wish it for my child, I try not to say it or wish it for myself. After years of living on the rollercoaster, I can actually recall this rule when I am in the pit of depression and it has kept me from becoming suicidal. It has not made everything all better, but I find it does help some. At times this philosopy has even helped to spark a little hope...something no one can do without.


I will pray for you.