[BipolarWolf]

I myself have gaps in my memory. I can't remember much, and If I do remember stuff, it's because I am reminded by other people. But even then, it's VERY spotty and it's like it's a memory from someone else and not my mind.

I had a bad manic episode last year. Like, arrested bad, I am doing much better. Even though I can't remember it that well. I took it seriously and got myself better meds and worked really hard to get stable. It's been a long road and I had to earn peoples trust and respect back. It was not easy. It's scary to not remember things you say or do and wind up like that. I felt like I was living someone else's mistakes.

I was told that the reason I can't remember that stuff, is because It's impossible to access that part of my mind, because I am not in that state of mind. It's called state dependent memory retrieval.

"State-dependent memory or state-dependent learning is the phenomenon through which memory retrieval is most efficient when an individual is in the same state of consciousness as they were when the memory was formed."

I hope others will share or comment on this topic, even though it may be uncomfortable at first to say something.

[fern46]

There is a lot I don't remember about my episode. I had to be restrained and carted off in an ambulance. It was really bad and I still struggle to believe it was me that did the things I did. I was in a psychotic manic state and I blacked out for a lot of it. Some of it I can remember when my husband talks about it. Some of it has come back to me in bits and pieces. It feels like someone else's life because it wasn't the real 'me' making any of those decisions.

When I describe how it felt I explain that it felt like I was dreaming when it happened. I didn't think anything through and it was more like I was watching myself in a dream. Most of the memories I have recalled come back to me just after I wake from dreams. Maybe I'm in a similar brain state at that point and can access those hidden memories. That sounds similar to the theory you were given. It actually makes a lot of sense to me.

I know what it feels like to have to earn trust back. I also know how hard it is to stay on track and do what you need to do to get better. Kudos to you for battling your way back. It isn't an easy road.

[BipolarWolf]

Thanks for your reply Fern, I appreciate it very much. I can totally understand how you worded that reply too. A lot of the times, my words fail me and I can't relay what I am trying to get across. You did a good job with your reply. I completely understand. Being Bipolar is its own special kind of hell. It's basically brain damage.

[saucygirl31]

i often forget a lot of my depression and mixed states.

in depression everything sort of blends into one big "ugh".

in mixed, things change so fast i cant even keep up.

though when im hypomanic/manic, i tend to do things that i remember simply because of how outrageous they are.

[sophiebunny]

One of my worst manic-psychotic episodes lasted 8 weeks. In that episode I had to be restrained and sedated. I was a frenzy of psychotic energy. As the episode resolved I had an awful time with my short term memory. I was afraid I was permanently injured. My psychiatrist was great. He reassured me that with severe mania with psychosis memory interruptions were expected. He also reassured me I'd get my short term memory back. I did. My long term memory of that hospitalization is spotty. Other people had to fill in the gaps.

[cashart10]

I have life long memory issues. I attribute them to both my illness and my meds. I’m only 36 but people will tell me stories, sometimes ones that seem important, and I will have no recollection. I do remember parts of my episodes, mostly because when I’m manic, particularly psychotic, I think I’m a genius and need to capture every possible thought. So, I usually have a history in my writing. That being said, my mom and husband tell me things I don’t recall about my episodes as well.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BipolarWolf

Thanks for your reply Fern, I appreciate it very much. I can totally understand how you worded that reply too. A lot of the times, my words fail me and I can't relay what I am trying to get across. You did a good job with your reply. I completely understand. Being Bipolar is its own special kind of hell. It's basically brain damage.

Your words here are perfect. I understood you completely. I think that we experience something that simply can only be understood by those who have shared similar experiences. I think our loved ones and treatment teams try their best to understand, but they will never be able to fully relate unless they go through losing control of their own minds. We do our best to explain with analogies and metaphor, but the depths of this are something one cannot know until they know, ya know? My mother went through this and I tried really hard to understand and support her. I did all the research. I listened. I had as much empathy as I could. I only truly understood after my own experience.

I agree it is brain damage. I have felt impaired on a number of levels since I had my episode. I am a very positive person though and I am determined not to let this experience take that from me. I've used it to expose my own weaknesses and work on myself. I'm healing emotional wounds and physical issues I was previously neglecting. I'm using it as an opportunity to learn about humility, mercy and grace. I'm here trying to give back and be supportive of others who are in the middle of their own Hell. You seem to be doing a lot of the same things. That's really amazing. So yeah, we experienced Hell on Earth, but we are also bringing Heaven into the mix every time we fight back. We are a little damaged and then stronger in so many wonderful ways. Don't lose sight of that!

[BipolarWolf]

Thank you guys so much for your responses. I feel connected with the words that you chose. There are many things I wish I could type out, but my hands and brain just wont work together. Its something I have dealt with for a long time. I used to be able to type really fast and to get things out. But they are just stuck.

I am not good at replying to each and every one of you, but that is because I have been so anti social for so long that it seems out of character to do so.
So I just went ahead and hugged and thanked all of you I have been reading about what different brains look like from scans. It's really interesting to see what a bipolar brain, depressed brain, ADHD brain look like. Just use google, filter it by images and type in bipolar brain. You will see what I am talking about.

Thanks again guys, it really does mean a lot to me that I am not being ignored. I know how it feels.

/hugs

[~Christina]

I have huge gaps in memory when I’m in a episode up or down.

My T always reassures me that every Bipolar client he has seen in his nearly 50 year career reports the same memory issues during unstable times.

I think our brain is just protecting us sometimes, at least that’s how I feel it does.

I think it’s great that you have advocated for yourself when it comes to meds and to work so hard on yourself. That’s fantastic

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My therapist says that I don't remember bad episodes for good reason. He'll tell me a little about it if I ask but mostly we just call it my brain protecting me and try to move on. Even when I do remember it often doesn't match his memories well and I tend to believe him more because I know I was a mess when I made the memories.

My memory sucks in general because I've had two severe concussions and underwent ECT, but I do forget the "peaks" of my episodes too.

[BipolarWolf]

Thanks for your replies guys. It's different getting a response from people who have Bipolar than it is to just read about it online or something.
I am always at the docs office and I tell them stuff and they are like,... "that's normal" and I am scratching my head thinking, normal for who ?

[Sometimes psychotic]

I was having pretty bad memory issues until my pdoc recommended fish oil.

[cashart10]

Oh...I just remembered (lol) when my t and I do emdr (which we do for many things), it usually brings up tons of memories.

[BipolarWolf]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I was having pretty bad memory issues until my pdoc recommended fish oil.

Interesting, I will look into this. Thanks for your reply.

[Brienne]

Originally Posted by BipolarWolf

Thanks for your replies guys. It's different getting a response from people who have Bipolar than it is to just read about it online or something.
I am always at the docs office and I tell them stuff and they are like,... "that's normal" and I am scratching my head thinking, normal for who ?

Yeah!!! i dont understand either thier concept of normality. As i commented you in a thread that i posted before, i also have memory problems. I cant remember a whole year. i have blurry memories of specific situations, but nothing more. And sometimes i cant communicate properly (and in this cases when i have to write in another language is ten times worst, so ...sorry if you dont understand what im saying hahahahha)

Aparently is quite "normal" to have memory loss on certain episodes, but i hate the approach that doctors give to that. Like, ok, its normal for us, i got it. BUt what the hell we are supose to do. Is reversible? its gonna get worse?? How damaged are we?? I mean, when i was diagnose (10 years ago) the hospital didnt has a programe for cognitive therapy. When i asked for it they answer me "there is still no fully evidence about the neuronal damage........however every patient mentions those simptoms" and i was like "ARE YOU **KIDDING ME" hahhahahahaha

[Under*Over]

When I am really sick- psychotic mostly- my memory is spotty. I dont know if its a problem with my memory being IMPAIRED or if its because I am usually so confused because so much extraneous stuff is going on that I dont know what to focus on/am constantly pulled in so many directions- so Im just not paying attention to things people normally pay attention to and thats why I cant remember them.

[Phoenix_1]

There is a lot of my life that I can't remember. I've been bipolar 2 all my life. I believe bipolar messes with my memory big time, especially when I'm hypomanic or manic. Right now my biggest problem is too many meds messing up my short term memory. I take 4 different psych meds, and my brain is mush most of the time. I also take 2 meds for high blood pressure, 1 for high cholesterol, and 3 inhalers for asthma. No one can tell me what drug interactions I may have from taking so many meds. I take it 1 day at a time, and luckily my boyfriend has a very good memory to help me out when needed.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BipolarWolf

Thanks for your reply Fern, I appreciate it very much. I can totally understand how you worded that reply too. A lot of the times, my words fail me and I can't relay what I am trying to get across. You did a good job with your reply. I completely understand. Being Bipolar is its own special kind of hell. It's basically brain damage.

Brain damage! Yes! According to the kindling theory, every time you have an episode, its worse than the one before. And Im thinking that every part of the episode results in brain damage hence worsening brain damage as well.

[BipolarWolf]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Brain damage! Yes! According to the kindling theory, every time you have an episode, its worse than the one before. And Im thinking that every part of the episode results in brain damage hence worsening brain damage as well.

"Cognitive Deficit" as it is called in the big words.
Here is a really interesting article and website for Bipolar Disorder, the navigation on the left has some good reading as well.
Check it out. (if you are up to it and have time)

Brain Damage From Bipolar Disorder | HealthyPlace

- EDIT Brain scan of a bipolar brain would NOT look "normal" -

and thank you everyone for your replies!

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Brain damage! Yes! According to the kindling theory, every time you have an episode, its worse than the one before. And Im thinking that every part of the episode results in brain damage hence worsening brain damage as well.

I have had two different psychiatrists tell me this same thing. I get SO upset with myself for my short-term memory deficits, when it's not my fault at all. It got so bad at one point that I asked my pdoc if I was developing dementia. I'm not, it's just brain damage from the combination of repeated bipolar episodes and the meds I'm taking to treat it. For some reason that made me feel a little better; I've seen so much dementia that I fear it more than almost any other illness.

[BipolarWolf]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I have had two different psychiatrists tell me this same thing. I get SO upset with myself for my short-term memory deficits, when it's not my fault at all. It got so bad at one point that I asked my pdoc if I was developing dementia. I'm not, it's just brain damage from the combination of repeated bipolar episodes and the meds I'm taking to treat it. For some reason that made me feel a little better; I've seen so much dementia that I fear it more than almost any other illness.

I get upset with myself also when I cannot remember things. I know that it is my disease that is doing it. I can definitely relate to this and the other replies here on this topic. I watched my Grandmother go thru dementia. I used to make her meals and take care of her before she passed. She was frustrated with herself in the beginning, but then after that she just became unaware that she had forgotten something or that she was tripping. Dementia is not a nice thing. I also have my fears of brain damage and dementia. I forget things all the time and it is stuff that just happened recently.

[bpcyclist]

Oh, man. Well, when I am in a florid manic episode, I can't remember anything. Short-term memory is just, like, nonexistent. It's bad. Now, I'm worried about the cumulative impact of all these psychotic and manic experiences on my poor memory apparatus. It just can't be helpful to one's memory to go through this kind of stuff over the years. Terrified of dementia and now, with this recent study showing a relationship between anticholinergic meds and increased dementia risk, I am just freaking about the Wellbutrin I've been on for years. Should I stop it? Is it too late, is the damage already done? Who knows. Not sure what I am going to do.

I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.

I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this.

I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution.

[BipolarWolf]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.

I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this.

I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution.

I have done that too, where I swore that I wrote a post, but then looked for it and couldn't find anything. I understand that. You certainly have more experience with hospitalizations and such then I do. I think it was very loving of your hubby to not tell you about your episodes.

I don't understand how people think of their psychosis as magical or marvelous, so I get what you are saying there also. When I had my last episode, I had the persecutory kind. I don't want to experience that again. It was very dark and scary. I hope you are doing well and that things are calm for you now. / hugs