My mind goes there

Today was a bad day. It was filled with normal life stressors. I know that they were normal life stressors because I've been in counseling for 7 years. But by the end of the day, my mind went there. It started with feeling like I'm being punished for misdeeds in a past life and as the day went on, it progressed. My therapist would say that it's good that I cried. After I cried, I became angry. And now, I just don't want to be here. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm wining or throwing a pity party. I'm not. Or maybe I am. If I am, I'm only inviting the people who read this to attend. Feeling sad and hopeless is interesting. When you tell people how you feel, they really don't want to hear it. When you don't people say that you should reach out. I would rather write. I can say how I feel with no interruptions. I would rather not have anybody tell me how I should feel or that things will get better. The intrude on your feelings and make it about them or try to cause you to feel guilty about thoughts that you can't control. People say that life is hard for everyone. That doesn't make things any better. Really, it gives little hope. Do you know that I started a list, 5 years ago, of 10 things that make me happy? I am yet to come up with 10. I think I have 4. None of them worked today. I'm going to bed. I'm done with this day.

I won't try to change how you feel. You can be just as you are and I accept that. I can just 'sit with you' for a while if you have more to say. You can feel guilty about your feelings if you want to. That's a valid choice, but I take no value from it. The last thing I want is for you to feel worse. If you decide to choose to change I can be around to support you in that. Otherwise, just know you're accepted as you are and you aren't alone. I'd consider 4 things that can make you happy worthy of hope, but we all have different scales.

Yes, based on what you have written, I don’t wish to encourage you and often understandably so. But, please know I/we are here for any and all of the venting you need. We truly care and understand.

You are beautiful still in your sadness, and brokenness. We only say others struggle too, so you don’t internalize it and feel alone in your struggles. You are strong for sharing your pain, and tears even in your weakness. Thank you, you inspire me

Thank you all for being there to read and just "be in the room" with me. Yesterday was busy and overwhelming at work. Today was much better. My mother came over and we cleaned my house. She recognized pretty quickly that I was anxious.
Thankfully she didn't do that thing that she does where she harps on the fact that I take meds and that they are not good for my body. Mostly, I did nothing but cooked and relaxed. My living space seems much more controlled and that is helpful. I feel better today.

It is amazing what a clean home and good food can do for the soul. I'm happy your mother was able to be with you without making your situation worse. Thanks for updating us.