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Old Oct 24, 2019, 06:44 AM
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SorryShaped SorryShaped is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
I'd left here, PC, for a while, but I still need help, though I probably don't deserve it. Scratch that, I DON'T DESERVE HELP. This is my last attempt to reach out before I close up my thoughts and pain, and keep everything to myself, and keep all my aggression, anger, depression for me.
Tried to go it alone, without help, came to one conclusion. Tried telling my therapist, and prescriber, and a "friend." Lost the friend. Not one person thought I was to be believed, though pdoc increased dosage, so maybe that one did understand. Other than my usual trip to my parents' to help out, I've barely spoken to anyone in days. When I try, I look at how they are happy and enjoying life and I decide I shouldn't speak, because I'm only going to ruin things. I exist, and that's it. It seems I wait for death, because I'm not able to rush it on. My one conclusion, my mantra, "I can't die from suicide, I'm meant to suffer."
I self-loathe in ways that I cannot describe any more pleasantly than slowly rotting meat.
I have the ways and means to an end, but I'm certain to fail. All prior attempts tell me that. My purpose in life; I'm meant to suffer.
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  #2  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 06:45 AM
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downandlonely downandlonely is offline
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I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish you didn't hate yourself. I don't think you deserve to feel this way.
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  #3  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 07:36 AM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Just yesterday I was thinking about people who haven't been around in a while. I thought of you and wished that you were well and that you'd reconsider joining in one day. Poof! Here you are

I am sorry to hear you are unwell. I imagine the feelings you are experiencing at the moment are excruciating. You reached out here though, so that tells me you wish for change. That's wonderful and the exact start you need to turn the tide.

I am a very firm believer that our thoughts and that which we choose to place our focus upon assist in the creation of our reality. There are complex factors at play and many are out of our control, but there is a lot we do to shape our lives. Our beliefs define the range of experiences we allow ourselves to have. You cannot change your experience without changing what you allow to come into your world. You cannot change your experience without challenging your self limiting beliefs.

You believe you are unworthy of being here. Let's test that for accuracy. You created that belief. I remember the scenario under which this occured. You decided to leave despite several members letting you know your presence is welcomed. You contributed regularly and I witnessed you adding value on several occasions. Nobody asked you to leave. Nobody judged you as unworthy of being here. I am glad you changed your mind briefly enough to make this post.

You now have the opportunity to change your belief and be open to the support offered here. You can choose to believe you are just as worthy as any of the rest of us. You can believe you have value to offer. Once you open yourself to new experiences, they can come forward. People will support you. You will have opportunities to add value. It won't all be perfect, but you're aiming not for perfection. You're aiming for better than being alone.

You believe you deserve to suffer. You will continue to suffer as long as you carry this belief. You will view every negative thing that happens to you as deserved and it will feel right to you. OR, you can challenge this belief. You can instead believe that suffering is something you experience, but it is not your entire story. You can believe you are worthy of more. You can believe that you deserve to experience love and joy just like anyone else. If you believe these things your eyes will begin to open and you will allow different experiences to come forward. You won't cut them off or shut them down because you will feel it is good and right for you to have them. You may still suffer, but it will hurt less because you will be allowing for balance. From experience I can also say that my greatest times of suffering have also been my greatest times of love beacuse I allowed myself to love myself through them. I allowed others to support me and love me through them. It made the suffering hurt a lot less than it could have. You can do the same for yourself. You have to do the work to change your belief first.

You're deep in these beliefs and they will take time to change. It is as if you've been commuting and driving the same road for a long time. You know the route and you're almost on autopilot. I am asking you to consider making a sharp right turn and blaze a new path. I am suggesting you go off road completely. That can feel scary or it can feel like a new adventure. You'll need to wake up and recognize each time you're driving on the old road and then put on your turn signal to get off that highway each time you realize it. You'll need to force yourself onto the new and uncomfortable path over and over and over and it might feel like a lot of gear shifting and your car may suffer a bit. There will be bumps and potholes until your new road is paved properly. Your car is strong though and you have good shocks. Trust it can handle the wear and tear. Eventually, the new path becomes comfortable. You'll realize it is shorter and you prefer driving in it. It will become second nature and easy on your car. It will be fully paved and it will come complete with exits that lead to all kinds of preferable destinations. You may still take that old commute from time to time, but now you will have choices...

Just food for thought. You're a thoughtful guy, so maybe you'll be open to a bit of this. Take only what resonates and discard anything that rings false. Keep in mind that anything that scares you probably does so because the truth can be scary. I wish for better for you SorryShaped, but what truly matters is what you are willing to wish for yourself.
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  #4  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 08:00 AM
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unaluna unaluna is offline
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Location: Milan/Michigan
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Your last line reminded me what the nuns taught us in catholic grade school - if you suffer here on earth, you surely will enter straight into heaven.

So theres that. Surely.
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  #5  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 08:50 AM
Anonymous46341
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SorryShaped, I am happy to see you back! Of course we want you here and we want to support you. Who would we be, who have also needed support and help in the past (or present), to say that you do not deserve help? I know that you are a kind and good person, but I personally believe even those who are not kind and good (in all ways) need help, too. No one should have to suffer, and yet suffering is a part of life sometimes. A part. It will not last forever, though I know when you're experiencing it it feels that it might. I do not agree with the nun that unaluna referenced, that suffering is in some way good or that we should suffer a lot. That's a very negative way to look at life and challenges, in my view. We can learn from struggles, but we must try to get past them. That does take work, and sometimes more patience than we'd like.

As far as letting people know when you really need help, please do NOT hesitate. Especially don't hesitate here, of all places. If only my nephew called me and said "Aunt, I'm suffering and alone right now. I need help! I don't want to live." I would have jumped in my car and raced to his home and took him into my arms. But he didn't call. I didn't know that day that perhaps that would have made a difference. We will all figuratively take you in our arms today and tell you it will be OK and that we care. The suffering will pass, on this earth, and there will be a time when you look back at past suffering and say "I didn't know it would ease, but it did."

I found the following quote a while back, that I like. Sometimes it takes a while for the sun to break through, but it always does.

“There is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light.” -Vern P. Stanfill


Last edited by Anonymous46341; Oct 24, 2019 at 10:31 AM.
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  #6  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 09:13 AM
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Sometimes psychotic Sometimes psychotic is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,427
Of course you deserve help....depression often twists our thinking so we feel worthless....recognizing we are in fact worthy as is everyone can be a critical step to recovery.
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  #7  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 09:48 AM
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SorryShaped SorryShaped is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
I honestly don't want to live, but know I'm instead supposed to feel like this
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  #8  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 10:08 AM
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Sometimes psychotic Sometimes psychotic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SorryShaped View Post
I honestly don't want to live, but know I'm instead supposed to feel like this


Sometimes when I feel down I need to reframe the situation....sometimes it helps to think about what I would tell to a good friend in the same situation.
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  #9  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 12:48 PM
SorryShaped's Avatar
SorryShaped SorryShaped is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic View Post
Sometimes when I feel down I need to reframe the situation....sometimes it helps to think about what I would tell to a good friend in the same situation.
Thanks for reminding me what I don't have. The ones I thought were close, weren't at all and flaked out or fled when things got rough. They liked happy me, but sad me isn't something they can take. I wrote a song that I dreamt, one of you has read it outside of here, if they still come here. I realized today how true it is. He (myself) was dead the whole time, and she still argued with his corpse. I am dead, though not physically, but in my spirit and soul. The soul does die, even while the body lives.
I may have strayed there and left references that you have no frame for. Ignore them or not.
I'm going to force myself to sleep now
  #10  
Old Oct 24, 2019, 01:56 PM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Location: USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SorryShaped View Post
Thanks for reminding me what I don't have. The ones I thought were close, weren't at all and flaked out or fled when things got rough. They liked happy me, but sad me isn't something they can take. I wrote a song that I dreamt, one of you has read it outside of here, if they still come here. I realized today how true it is. He (myself) was dead the whole time, and she still argued with his corpse. I am dead, though not physically, but in my spirit and soul. The soul does die, even while the body lives.
I may have strayed there and left references that you have no frame for. Ignore them or not.
I'm going to force myself to sleep now
This is pretty rough. Triggering for some. Yet you have people here being friendly and just fine with the sad you. You push them away too and refuse their offering. It isn't about what you don't have. It is about what you cannot see. Or maybe in your case feel. There is abundant light around you, but you cannot see it unless you're willing to drop your blindfold.
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