Work, Eat, sleep, shower, repeat. That’s been my life for the last month or so. It isn’t much of a life and those around me just don’t seem to get it. Life isn’t supposed to be going through the motions and never able to truly feel happiness. I am more than aware that I am depressed. I know it won’t always feel this way but right now it does, and right now it’s affecting everything. Dismissing it doesn’t help, and being told to suck it up and deal with it like everyone else doesn’t do much for the self esteem either… seeing as I can’t seem to do that. All I do is sleep on my days off, and only get up to work, eat, sleep, shower, and repeat… as stated before. I don’t find pleasure in anything.

I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist soon. I may need a tweak to my medicines, seeing as my anxiety is out of control and my depression is spiraling. It’s a new year and it’s already off to a pretty lousy start. In the end, I am really alone in all of this. I don’t have friends, my family doesn’t understand and belittle my feelings and well, I no longer have a spouse… not that she cared much anyway. It’s not a new development in my life, but I guess it’s just part of what makes it so damn hard, the loneliness.

There really isn’t much to say about any of it. My life doesn’t change and nothing ever happens. I’ve tried to go out and do things on days off, I even went as far as to dye my hair thinking “hey, a change is a change and maybe I’ll feel like a new person”… which I like my hair, it didn’t change anything on the inside of how I feel. I know I’m not myself , and I’m acting out in weird ways because of it but I’m trying to cope. I really am.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say. In the depths of your depressions, what helps you get through your day?

[MrsA]

What keeps me moving is fear of being bankrupt and homeless. I don't thingk I am bipolar, but I also get those phases where I feel no emotion. I have to rely on logic and behave based knowing how I should feel about something so I don't make decisions I will regret later. It is really alarming when you suddenly feel nothing and you don't know how long it will last.

Having hobbies helps a lot because there is eventually something you want to to or something you are waiting for. That's how gardening works for me. If I plant something that will bloom in 3 months, I am inclined to think I will live to see it bloom. I also like to build and refinish furniture and impatience to finish a job feels like a positive force to in my life. Do you have a hobby or interest?

I feel depressed, same as you. I find a change of scene sometimes helps. I have a nice mall in my neighborhood. You're in a small town so you probably don't have many options. A coffeeshop, a diner? What color did you dye your hair? I know you're finding your work hard but at least it is clean work. It's not like you're a janitor or anything. I worked in a kitchen when i was a student and i always hated having my hands in Javex water. At least you're not getting your hands dirty. Not sure if that's any consolation. Woe is us. (((MarcusAurelius)))

[Pookyl]

My life is also repetitive, mundane and to be honest quite boring. The thing I have to remind myself is that I’m stable. Remembering that I don’t want to go back to being unstable, is what helps get me through the day.

@Pookyl: Thanks! That's something i need to be reminded of too: being grateful for stability.

@MrsA I have a few hobbies -- web development (learning to make websites) and learning languages, but I've lost all interest in it lately,. I've tried to just sit down and dabble but I can't even seem to do that right now. I've made some decisions I've instantly regretted in this time frame so I know what you mean about relying on logic -- it's something I need to work on more.

@whatever2013 You're right -- there is very little to do in my town. I'm trying my best not to isolate but even at work I find myself trying to stray away from conversation.I dyed my hair brown. Sadly as much has I hate my red hair, it still shows through so my hair is more like brownish-red than true brown, but definitely darker than my natural color which I like. Work does suck but I do keep telling myself that very same thing ... I should be grateful for what I have, because it could be 10000x worse.


Pookyl mentioned stability, which is a weird concept for me right now. I don't know how to convey what I mean by that -- but I'm walking a line between impulsive and in control at times. Decision making is a bit rash and I've made some mistakes these past few days.

[bpcyclist]

I suffer from this, too. I sometimes have to force myself to go out and just walk around for a bit. Look at the buildings. Go to the store and look around. Maybe get something small. Try to cook something that takes a few hours and will occupy me. Clean my place. Try to maybe make plans for something I might be able to look forward to. Movie, concert, whatever. Just some things I do.