[cashart10]

My core is shaken. I feel like I could vomit. I feel like I’m going to explode with emotion. I want to crawl in a ball and die. But my kids are here and my husband isn’t. I can’t handle this darkness right now and I don’t even know what to do about it. I’m listening to Ani Difranco. The emotional connection and nostalgia I feel from her music only makes this worse but I can’t turn it off. It is calling me. I don’t know what one little pill is going to do to help me through this night. But, I think I’m going to take klonapin anyway. I haven’t taken it in quite some time. I am just so emotionally exhausted and I feel so raw. I don’t understand how these emotions can creep up so quickly but they have and I’m drowning. Sadness...pure sadness.

[Moose72]

Getting into very emotional sad music helps me when Im depressed. Its cathartic.

[cashart10]

Possible trigger:

I literally am having thoughts and visions of stabbing myself in the stomach.

I’m starting to panic. I’m scared to call my husband. I’m scared to go to the hospital. I haven’t been since my 6 year old was about 6 weeks old and my kids, especially my 9 year old son who is having some serious issues, are so attached to me. I probably won’t even need to go it’s just heavy on my heart right now because I keep thinking if I do have to go it will traumatize him. I’m seriously not sure what I’m doing here right now. Like seriously, am I going to handle this? I’m not sure what to do.

[Moose72]

Does your pdoc's office have an after-hours line? If so, call them and talk with whoever is there to talk. Tell them what you told us and they can help point you in a good direction. Btw,

Possible trigger:

Ive had those stab myself in the stomach thoughts many times. I hide in my room where there isnt anything I can hurt myself with until the thoughts pass. And make that call! How about a suicide hotline? I know they will talk with you!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Does your pdoc's office have an after-hours line? If so, call them and talk with whoever is there to talk. Tell them what you told us and they can help point you in a good direction. Btw,

Possible trigger:

Ive had those stab myself in the stomach thoughts many times. I hide in my room where there isnt anything I can hurt myself with until the thoughts pass. And make that call! How about a suicide hotline? I know they will talk with you!

Thank you so much! I’ve had them lots of times too it’s just I never know how to survive them I just somehow always do. That is a great idea though. I will do that. My bed may make me fall asleep faster too. My pdoc office does always have a pdoc on call it’s just I feel like an idiot calling them. Plus, what if they were to take out a miw?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

When does your husband get home? Would your mom come stay with you until he does so you don't have to be scared and alone?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you so much! I’ve had them lots of times too it’s just I never know how to survive them I just somehow always do. That is a great idea though. I will do that. My bed may make me fall asleep faster too. My pdoc office does always have a pdoc on call it’s just I feel like an idiot calling them. Plus, what if they were to take out a miw?

Try not to feel like an idiot. The people when Ive called my after hours line are so calming and reassuring! What is an miw? A well check? I actually had people from my pdoc's office come out to my apartment to do a wellness check at night. They had me sign a safety plan that we made together. It was helpful.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

When does your husband get home? Would your mom come stay with you until he does so you don't have to be scared and alone?

He isn’t working. Right now he’s at one of his friend’s houses hanging out with a group of guys that get together on Tuesday nights to play D& D. I don’t really want to cut his night short and my mom is sleeping already. I really wanted to text my t. I’m very close to her but I just think it’s too late and as I waited and waited to make that decision, I definitely think it’s too late now.

[cashart10]

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

No not the police. It was two people that work with my pdocs office. I have had the police at my house once when I was

Possible trigger:

sui. I got taken to the ER then hospitalized and then IP on their psych floor. The police spoke to my son- then 13 or 14- that I was going to the hospital and was he ok being alone.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

The police did a wellness check on me. I was scared but they were nice but he even called ems so yes it may scare your children. At this point I would suggest either using the numbers I sent you or calling your husband to come home bc you don’t sound safe

[BeyondtheRainbow]

They can't hold you against your will unless you are planning to hurt yourself or others. Just having thoughts of it that you don't plan to act on will not cause them to do anything but adjust your meds. If they are worried they could send a wellness check (which can be police, an ambulance or community mental health, depending where you live). I think you should call the pdoc's line. Maybe you'll get lucky and your pdoc will be on call.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

The police did a wellness check on me. I was scared but they were nice but he even called ems so yes it may scare your children. At this point I would suggest either using the numbers I sent you or calling your husband to come home bc you don’t sound safe

Thank you! I’m texting the # you gave me right now.

[cashart10]

I am chatting with a crisis line right now. Depending on how this goes, I will likely page the pdoc. Thank you!

[Moose72]

That's great! Keep us updated!

[cashart10]

Left a regular vm instead of after hours because I’m confident they’ll just tell me more klonapin. Still talking on crisis line. I feel compelled to go outside. It’s past 11:30 though and the kids are sleeping. Is that an irrational thought?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I would stay inside in my room and chat with counselor

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I agree with HallieBeth. It's safer to stay put and connected to help. Do you have meds to help you get to sleep?

[cashart10]

Thank you both! I will do it. Yes, I can take up to 4 mg of klonapin a day and I only took 1.

[Victoria'smom]

Hopefully you're sleeping now. I hope you have a better night.

[~Christina]

Keep up with the chat.. stay inside in case your children need you.

I’ll say this and you won’t like it but turn that damn music Off! Music is not only a huge trigger for you but in the past it pulls you further up or down.

Take another dose.. stay in bed.. your thoughts aren’t healthy but it’s not a plan.

It’s good you called and left a voice mail. You can get through until morning. All of this will pass , it will , it does.

Breath

[Moose72]

How are you doing today?

[HALLIEBETH87]

How are you doing now??

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, cashart. Keep us updated and don't hesitate on reaching out for the help you need

[*Beth*]

Hey, Cashart...I'm just seeing this. I so understand about the music. When I'm feeling stable or a bit down, music is magic. When I'm in the danger zone music is a scary trigger. It's like a siren song...calls to me, but I gotta force myself to turn it off, or change it.

Anyway. How are you doing today? Please let us know