Bipolar check-in #43

Thanks. Are you enjoying the book?

Yes I am, I love reading memoirs I hope you’re enjoying it as well

Just so you know, that's child's play for him. If you are offended by sexual stuff brace yourself. Definitely don't read it out loud to your children, if you know what I mean. It's the raunchiest book I have ever read and I'm not easy to shock. "ElectroBoy" presents a certain extreme in bipolar manic behavior.

[Note: It is possible that some of what is in Behrman's book is exaggerated.]

Yeah there was already sex stuff earlier. Its definitely "interesting" I'll say that!

Perhaps this is an interesting tidbit. At one point, Behrman said that a movie would be made out of his book. The actor Toby Maguire (Spiderman fame) was interested in taking on the project and role, and Behrman was excited by it. I found that to be strange since Maguire usually plays goody two-shoe type roles, in comparison. My guess is that the project never even got started, before failing. Or if it is still in the works, I'll be surprised. I actually haven't seen/heard of any movie starring Maguire, in a long time. [Here's a mention about the project in 2003: Plugging in Electroboy

The same kind of project was rumored about Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind". I had heard something about Reese Witherspoon possibly playing Jamison, which would make sense. Witherspoon would surely do a great job! But again, that was a long time ago, and I'm assuming it just never happened. I forget where/how I heard about that. There was that movie by the name "Touched with Fire" that they got Jamison involved with. I've also read much of that book, too. [I found some of it boring.] The movie was not that based on Jamison's book by that name. I didn't like that movie, anyway. I recall that it starred Katie Holmes, whose performance was not memorable.

My guess is that "An Unquiet Mind" is hard to make into a screenplay. Frankly, as lovely, poetic, and informational as that memoir is, it might not be meaty enough for the big screen, and I do not believe her experience is sufficiently relatable [I could go on about that, but won't.]. They'd have to fictionalize some stuff. Her manias seemed tame on the outside (vs. in her brain). Plus, there's a limited amount of excitement you can get out of snake bite kits and penguin books, and it's hard to represent comets and shooting stars properly on screen. I'd love to meet her, because I have numerous questions about her own experiences/coping, but more about the illness itself, since she is among the best experts.

I thought "A Beautiful Mind" was an excellent movie, and very well acted by Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly. John Nash was, indeed, an amazing brilliant man with an interesting story, but they obviously tweaked his experience quite a bit for the big screen (i.e. visual vs. mostly only auditory hallucinations). I actually know a little bit about John Nash, since he was a local, and saw him, his wife, and one son a few times, in local places. You can all think I'm lying, but my husband actually picked him up, hitchhiking, and gave him a ride to the local train station once, that he took home. [Hubby is a European, he picks up hitchhikers.] We've read stories in the local paper of things he did that were not in the movie. I'll give him this, he did seemingly manage for a long time off medications, but in a limited way, and not without some embarrassing moments. But he was apparently happy with that. As a final note, if he and his wife had worn seat belts, they may still be here today.

I meander on stable and boring, but I'm here reading.

I went to Scrabble tonight and played amateurishly so i think i was taking myself too seriously recently when i had a crisis of confidence about it. Tonight the players at my level just seemed like the senior Asian ladies they show on TV playing Mah Jong. Of course Scrabble is still worthwhile even if i am just a junior player! It keeps my mind active, passes the time and keeps me out of trouble so i don't turn to drinking or sleazy romance or some other unhealthy behavior. This week's number one play was UPFLING which my opponent followed up with DOODIES! Haha!

It's just the mild depression talking. I wouldn't enjoy ANY activity at this time of year, even getting a massage from Fabio!

Hugs to all who need them!

I'm worried I might be manic. I went on Lexapro 2 weeks ago and now I'm not sleeping at all, nor am I feeling tired.

Please do get checked out !

Be sure to keep an eye on it--I am quite sure you already know that...

Have been struggling lately. Not sure if it's directly BP per say. Although sometimes I'm not aware. Dealing with a couple things. One is I've been very frustrated with living with BP, anxiety, possibly some avoidant traits. Like bad frustrated. And not very accepting. To the point where I'm bursting into tears. Maybe because quite often I can rationally think how I feel is irrational, but can't control my emotions. It was pointed out to me by my pdoc that I'm a bit self destructive, especially since I periodically struggle with SH. He's recommending I go back into therapy. I don't know. I kind of feel like crap about stuff. Somedays I'm positive about wanting to do more to treat this and other days I just want to give up. Feels like I've given up. Haven't done anything around the house in months. It's a disaster. Every weekend I don't want to get out of bed and do stuff. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I use all my energy at work and then have nothing left when I'm home.

I'm also dealing with high stress and anxiety because I have something going on with my mouth. I saw an oral pathologist last week. She gave me a medicine to use, but I don't think it's working. Will probably have to have a biopsy to make sure it isn't precancerous. Probably years of smoking coming back to bite me. I had a 4 hour long anxiety attack at work the other day. I'm finding the stress and anxiety of dealing with this is triggering some mood issues. Periodically dealing with SI and SH thoughts. Have been worried about this for almost 2 months not knowing. Really getting to me, I think.

I had a violent, bloody dream last night where I was



So violent. I don't know why I was doing those things, but they greatly disturb me. At least it wasn't like those dreams where I was



If you ignored the violence in my dream, it was actually a pretty good adventure with time travel, etc.. Quite long, though... And at least I didn't fall off a building or a cliff like I've done in the past. Now THAT was scary, because I felt the air on me and the sudden drop, and my heart sunk.

Anyways, mood is alright. I still feel incredibly restless, though -- as usual.

I'm going to buy a journal and start journaling, even though journaling has triggered me in the past.

One interpretation for dreams is that strangers represent elements of your subconscious and people you know represent elements you are consciously aware of.

It perhaps feels a bit less awful to think of it in this way. It could have been a representation that you have some heavy feelings or repressed memories that you're trying to avoid or destroy.

The dreams with the people you knew could have been the same except they would represent feelings or beliefs you were consciously trying to destroy.

Just one way of looking at it. I hope the journaling helps. I've been working more with my subconscious lately and I've been keeping track of my dreams. It is always an adventure.

No, it is not possible.

Actually, I am very luckly to even have a therapist. Most of people are not assigned a therapist through the public health system.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I am sorry about those nightmares, blue. They sound absolutely terrifying. I hope tonight is much better for you.

I found a lot of bottle return slips! Here in michigan you pay ten cents for every bottle or can of soda or beer. You return them to a store that sells the brand it is and they give you a slip with a bar code on it. Today i found a big pile of them! I took them to the store and they scanned each one and it came to $25!

I’m not in the best mood. I feel like crying because I feel so crappy physically. I’m sick , have a really severe cold. The coughing and sore throat is super super painful, the congestion is frustrating. My voice doesn’t even sound like me. And of course due to all this I’m not sleeping well. I went to the doctor yesterday and they prescribed some stuff to ease the symptoms but basically other than that I just have to wait for this to work it’s way out of my system. Also have PMS right at this moment and stress on top of that running between apartments working on stuff since the move. And I have to get 2 teeth pulled Tuesday. It just feels like so much stuff going on all at once and I just feel horrible. Sorry to complain.. I just needed to let that out because I’m so frustrated.

Aww being sick makes everything worse.

Hubby has overwhelmed me with flowers again. He already bought me forsythia yesterday, and now two bouquets arrived from Whole Foods (tulips and roses). I'm serious when I say I'm overwhelmed. I haven't even had a chance to arrange the forsythia. I love him, and I love flowers, but I wish he'd just give me one bunch. He's done this many times before. Once I mentioned I wanted to replace a dusty dried flower arrangement, and he bought me so many dried flowers that it became six arrangements. I almost cried at how much work it was going to be. I put it off for a long time, but when I finally did them, it took two hours and then I was sore for two days afterwards.

I've resigned myself that I have a migraine. I've been reading in bed. My whole right side of my face hurts- sinuses, cheek bone, eye socket.