The fear of succeeding

I have suffered from depression all my life. This limited me and my outlook with any endeavor that I chose to pursue. Not only did I have the negative thinking about this, but also my failures supported my fears. So I always thought I had the rear of failing. This thinking severely limited me in attempting new challenges, including my professional work,

Awhile ago, I came to an epiphany. I may not be afraid of failing. Fear of failing made allot of sense to me, particularly with my history of depression. Instead, I realized that it is the fear of succeeding. This does not make much sense to me, but I think it is true.

Of course when I am manic, but still productive, I do not have this fear. I would have a singular focus on doing whatever I need to do to make this happen. It may be even fun. Now what is interesting here is that once I succeed, I fall into a substantial depression, even unable to do relatively simple stuff. I have always had to deal with depression as it relates to work. Depression has become synonymous with going to work. Now with this realization of mine, I may have to rethink all of this.

Does this make any sense to anyone here? That I can have the fear of succeeding?

I think it makes complete sense. I love new epiphanies. They hold so much promise for change and expansion.

How does it make sense? Any thoughts?

It is hard to know what will resonate as I do not know your history. I'll offer a few general thoughts.

Sometimes we fear success because it marks the completion of a creative period. There can be something quite sad about letting go of our creations. It can generate a void type feeling while we are in a period of reflection upon our creations. I'll use the seasons as a metaphor. We often enjoy the fall because we harvest the fruits of our labor, but we also know the winter comes next. Not to worry though if we hold the perspective that winter is the necessary rest period that makes way for spring. If we look at life in cycles and use the seasons as metaphors for creation in our lives, spring and summer are expansive and fall and winter contract or are depressive by nature. None of it is bad. It is our choice of how we view and experience it.

Success also often causes one to be in the spotlight. Some are fearful of success for this reason. They do not like to have their work on display and this occurs for various reasons. Sometimes we carry shame and do not feel we deserve the spotlight. Sometimes we love our creations so much we cannot bear the thought of others judging us and tearing apart our images of what we have created.

Also, success often comes with expectation to create again and to do more or better the next time. This pressure can weigh on us or depress us.

Just a few thoughts.

I fear success because I see success as an obligation. If I'm succeeding I have to keep succeeding. I feel like I let people down if the success stops or slows. I take letting people down as a personal failure. So, I get into this cycle of hiding when things aren't going well. Then I reach a breaking point and people look at me like, "wow, where did that come from. She was succeeding beautifully" when in fact I was in deep distress for a very long time. I am by nature a hider. A hider of my feelings, my symptoms, my history, and my failures. I can't let anyone down and I can't let anyone in.

I have unconsciencely caused myself to fail before , I think I believed at the time I was not good enough to be sucessful or happy . . . . I was raised by a very perfectionist mother , nothing I even did was good enough . . . so I did not deserve sucess . . .

See, that's just it. I'm afraid of success because I know people will expect things from me that I may or may not be able to fulfill. I tend to go into jobs on a high, do prodigious amounts of work that the boss has never seen anyone do before, become enthused to the point that I think I'm always going to have that kind of energy. Which, of course, I don't. I've disappointed so many employers that way, and it's cost me dearly in terms of maintaining employment. (It's also one of the reasons I'm on disability.)

You really nailed it. Good writing!

Being raised by perfectionists

hugs and respect to all