[Isolda van der Meer]

I'm not really sure what exactly I want to write right now, so I hope it won't be too strange. If you don't want to read about coronavirus (and I really understand that), don't read it.

Our government has closed nearly everything. One day it were schools. The other day shopping centres. Restaurants. Shops. Nobody knew what will happen the next day. Horrible times. I started to spend time in my wardrobe. I was sitting there in the dark and thinking about all the horrible things which are going to happen to me and to people. I was really convinced that I'm going to die. It was crystal clear to me, the only question was: when exactly? Will I be the only one in my family? I hope so. And if my own funeral march won't be ready in time, I want the third movement of Mahler's First Symphony to be played at my funeral, thank you very much.

My thinking become a bit strange. I needed to have a piece of crystal with me in order to protect myself, although it was kind of useless. I remember that I thought that everything is just a part of the New World Order and they want me dead. Another day, it was really important to wear a pearl necklace in order to die like a lady; it didn't seem so important the next day, but I kept wearing it for a couple of days. I planned what to wear for apocalypse. I knew that I should maybe tell my doctor, but my problems seemed totally irrelevant in comparison to real problems of the world. I cancelled our meeting which was planned.

My mood also began to be suspiciously elevated; not sure if manic but strange if added to the way I was feeling. My oncoming death started to seem nearly festive; there was kind of ritual in it. Some days I was euphoric, some days less euphoric, some days not at all. Once I was running in the forest for a while. I decided to start taking more Risperidone and to stop reading news. It seems like it helps; my strange thoughts slowly disappeared and left me thinking "what the hell?!"

But it's not easy. I feel really bothered by all the precaution - I called it "repression" and thought it's forever and the government will set up martial law soon - even now I have similar thoughts. I also kind of hate myself for being so weak that I can't bear reading news.

Just wanted to write out.

[Yaowen]

Dear Isolda van der Meer,

My English is not very good but I can understand much of what you wrote and identify with it. As someone who loves the music of Mahler, I can also identify with that. You write very well. Your words are so expressive and vivid. I hope to read more of your writings. Best to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

About five or so years ago, my husband and I had the joy of attending the concerts at the well-known Tanglewood Music Festival in the beautiful Berkshire Hills of western Massachusetts in the US. Tanglewood is the famed summer home of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and is an open-air shed, covered by a roof, but no walls on its sides. There is seating under the roof in front of the orchestra, but hundreds of listeners also set up chairs and blankets with picnics on the grass just behind and on its sides. The environment is stunning, surrounded by beautiful woods, secluded in a type of campus atmosphere.

Our latest visit to Tanglewood happened to be on a particularly cold and rainy weekend, despite being in the summer. Listeners under the roof wrapped themselves in blankets, and heavy rain resistant coats, one my husband was forced to buy in the Tanglewood gift shop. But the music was Gustav Mahler’s Symphony No. 3, which is among the most powerful symphonic pieces of all time. The intensity of the music, turned out to be warming in itself. Since this symphony was the longest in the standard repertoire, we were in for a long afternoon.

Mahler’s music gained fame and respect around the world, but he was also known in his time to be an accomplished conductor. A Czech by birth, he gained fame conducting in music’s heart land in Vienna, Austria. Perhaps it was his love of the orchestra that often led him to compose pieces, like his Symphony No. 3, to include a larger than average group of musicians, utilizing the most instruments possible in some way in the piece, as well as a choir. The stage at Tanglewood was packed to its capacity, as was the seating and even lawn, despite the rain. It was if the numerous bodies warmed each other during the event as the music heightened peoples’ senses. The piece utilized strongly played brass instruments and percussion throughout.

The audience members were not the only living beings affected by Mahler’s large orchestra. Around the open shed yelled loud birds, maybe mocking birds and other enthusiastic singers, who sang along and brought a muffled laugh to all of the listeners. It wasn’t as if the conductor could stop and scold these birds. Tanglewood was their home, too. Some birds sang from beyond the covered shed, and others from beneath it taking shelter from the rain, and getting a closer look. Even when you thought Mahler’s orchestra could be no larger, these feathered musicians joined in the songs.

Unlike at the Tanglewood concert I described above, we (and the birds) are not squeezed together to keep warm and hear Mahler's masterpiece. However, we are all in this together. Perhaps separated by our doors, our masks, and our gloves, but we are experiencing the same event all around the world. Never in my lifetime have the people of the world had such a common connection, however stressful and unlucky it may seem. This stress will ease. It may indeed take some time, but it will. And just like the sigh of relief one gets after the passing of a hurricane, we will all have that as the virus fades away. And again, it will.

I hope you will reach out to your doctor, Isolda van der Meer. He needs to hear your voice and know what you are feeling during this concerted effort to get past the coronavirus pandemic. Your voice is important. What you say is important.

[bpcyclist]

I have had these feelings of inevitable death when I have been psychotic in the past. I agree with the idea of reaching out to the pdoc. Maybe a med change could possibly help.

Everyone is stressed because of the lockdown. We all are. Hang in there. It won't be forever. We will make it through this, somehow. Most people survived the 1918 pandemic and they didn't even have critical care units back then.


Don't lose hope.