trigger warning

Nevermind. Everything is fine.

Do you have a t or pdoc you can call and talk to?

I can call, but I can't talk to anyone. I think I'm misdiagnosed anyways.

Don't have much to add except to say that I will send vibes, prayers your way.

What do you think your diagnosis is, spikes?

You sound super duper depressed to me and as such, your judgment is severely impaired. Sorry, but it takes one to know one, kind of. Been where you are before.

Anyway, because of the current judgment impairment, making a critical life decision is really, really not advisable, especially a permanent and forever one. What you need is some help.

Have you ever tried Ketamine or lithium before?

Hey, spikes...we're here to listen

Came in to brave the trigger warning to see if there was anything to offer. Not seeing much so I placed a hug on the OP, and will offer you my ear Spikes, if you want to talk to someone you don't know very well to share your story with.

I've never tried ketamine (old doc discussed it but there's no places around here administering it) but I used to take lithium. Can't take it anymore because I overdosed on it.
I don't really know what a more accurate diagnosis would be. Maybe CPTSD or BPD...
I just feel like I'm never stable. I can't remember ever not being "passively suicidal"/not caring if I died. I don't even feel particularly depressed. I went on a hike today and enjoyed it, but didn't particularly care if I died in a car crash or got murdered or mauled by a bear, etc. I constantly deal with dissociation/derealization/depersonalization. I'm never in healthy relationships. I can't stay sober for more than a day without feeling like I need the escape. On and on.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be a healthy person for a year or so.

I wish you did too. I wish we both did.

I also live with derealization, etc. To me, it's a freaky feeling and can certainly contribute to depression. You're not alone.