I'm back on medication and have mixed/uncertain feelings about it.

Back in late 2018 I quit taking my meds because I am 5'5" and had gotten up to 200 lbs on them. I was taking 6 or 7 at the time and was sooo tired. I went all 2019 without them and didn't think very clearly but wasn't that depressed except in spring. I have depression in spring/early summer, hypomania in fall/early winter and normal moods in between with some variations. I just felt like I could handle it on my own. My major episodes were when I was in my late teens/early twenties and I'm 26 now, bday is tuesday, so ill be 27. I did fine in 2019 except I needed kava kava in high doses just to get through life at one point. It was the foggy/dissociative thoughts I had all year while not taking meds. It went away in fall of 2019 but came back in Jan of 2020 so I took meds again from jan 2020 to april 2020. Then quit them again and did fine on a keto diet. The things is, I could never get control over my symptoms fully. So I started taking Geodon 20mg 2 wks ago and feel better. I've been able to clean my apartment. The thing is, I feel guilty taking it. Everything is causing me guilt. Severe guilt. Taking meds, listening to music, watching certain tv shows. And everytime I take the med, I feel guilty taking it. I just want to flush them down the drain. I can't stand feeling this way. It's like I did so long without the meds that now I feel like a failure taking it again. I'm angry at myself. I'm guilty all the time. I can't stand it. What do I do? My nurse practitioner is super rude and will scold me if I tell her I don't want to take meds. I also hate everything going on in this country right now and fear a civil war and all this pandemic stuff.

What is your diagnosis

The goal is to be healthy in whatever package that comes in. If you feel better, that's the goal, right?

Geodon is more weight friendly than a lot of other options. You will need to eat well and exercise, but you can lose weight or maintain while taking it. I did that in 2019 while taking it.

I stopped meds in September of 2019 per my doctor. We had hoped I would be fine without them, but then an episode came along this summer and it became clear Geodon was needed again to keep myself and my loved ones safe.

I won't lie and say a part of me wasn't disappointed. It sucked to get sick again. That's the part that I was upset about. The meds are just a physical symbol of the fact my mind was unwell and it is very difficult for me to admit I cannot control my own mind.

Instead of hating the meds, I do all I can to help them work as good as possible while staying on as low a dose as possible. I find focusing on that helps me channel my disappointment in my outcome into a healthy outlet.

Do what you need to do, but I think you're brave for giving yourself what you need to be well. Reward yourself for working to overcome guilt when you make progress. And keep in mind progress is the goal, not perfection. Be well.

Bipolar 2 and OCD

Thanks. That's good advice. I need the meds but I'm uncertain if I'll always need them. Hopefully things get to the point where I can manage on my own. I think my OCD symptoms are worse than the bipolar right now.

Sorry to hear about the NP. She sounds like a jerk. It does make taking meds more tolerable (if physically able to tolerate them) if the provider is at least civil.

I think fern gives good advice. Is it possible to change providers?

I would change providers but I live in a rural area and there's only two main psychiatry and counseling places near me. I live smack in the middle of both. Both are a 40 minute drive. The first one I went to was the one I went to in Jan-April and then quit going and quit taking meds and I feel as though I wouldn't be welcomed back. But idk.

Obsessive guilt feelings are common with OCD. Do you think that could be happening for you?

I do think so for sure. I'm just wondering why it seems to be worse after taking meds again. Maybe it's a coincidence and it's not the med causing the obsessive guilt. Or maybe the geodon is causing it? Usually geodon in the past has helped my ocd. Who knows?

Well, you're spot on when you mention the tension going on in this country at this time. And of course, stress can set off the symptoms we are most vulnerable to. So if that's OCD for you, then the pressure you're feeling (which is totally understandable) could be causing a flare-up of that OCD-related guilt.


Are you having other OCD stuff happening?

Yeah. I deep cleaned alot of my apartment and I thought maybe I was getting hypomanic but I don't think so anymore. I slept a good amount last night and don't feel very hypomanic. The last few weeks I've been doing good though even though alot of these things have been going on since April. I've been checking doors again too and I know all my neighbors well and live in the middle of nowhere so it seems unreasonable but I continue to do it.