[Fuzzybear]

''We all love you''..... they have never applied to me. I am not sure why. I don't think they have ever been said to me by anyone (at least they didn't lie.... maybe they ''saw'' something I did not, like my parents ''saw'' something wrong and even ''bad'' about me that I did not...) I could write an essay on my childhood and beyond. I could describe different people who shunned me. I could say more about me. I am not sure there is much point. (the professionals told me there is no point in talking...this still stands with them).. I thought of contacting a private shrink a little while ago (zoom or something).... I have thought of contacting another therapist. I think they would also reject me as ''faulty'' ... (as two shrinks and two therapists did)..If I am to ''improve'' (if I am to be a ''better person'' (father always said I should be a better person - he did not give any ideas except for something I do not want to post, it involved pocket money and what to spend it on).. I need to find another path. (I'm also allergic to all the SSRI's I have tried, an SNRI and seroquel) (I did take paxil for a while as mentioned in another post, then something scary happened and one of the results of this was I was then allergic to the Paxil when I tried to start it again..I already had severe allergies to multiple substance - these allergies started when the parents dropped a bombshell on me...

Tonight Papa bear and I had a difficult conversation. We were having supper and chatting about something (I think he was asking me some questions about geography)... the conversation drifted onto my parents and also his parents and family. It drifted via a question I asked about one of his nephews. It did not stay on that topic for long...but long enough for me to (unintentionally) make him feel bad. We do not agree on everything. He hates any disagreement or conflict. (even minor).. It majorly stresses him out. Everyone who meets Papa bear like him. Most people judge me (labels etc) .....(I had thought this might change but no, there must really be something ****ed up about me ) My family (and his family) have told me I am not good enough for him. I know, I know I am not sure if I can change this. That ''people will wonder what he sees in me'' (my mothers words and his mother agreed This was when we invited them all to our house a while ago...

(family of origin - VERY concerned about appearances. Major major lies and cover ups... They were trying to ''protect me''...(until I was ''old enough to be told to leave the nest''....(age 19... they had hoped I would leave permanently before, (nursing school etc) I failed them.) If I had been ''normal'' I would not have disappointed them so much..

I feel like deleting this. Maybe it's just a whine (and boring too). Maybe they will find me and .... This is why I don't often give many details.... (I did tell one friend that I sometimes change minor details slightly such as time scales for privacy, this person said they do the same. I do not give my age for that reason)..

It is not easy to write all this stuff...Thanks to anyone who made it this far.

[*Beth*]

Fuzzy, your post is neither a whine, nor is it boring.

I understand, I think, about Papa Bear disliking confrontation (or anything in that direction in the slightest bit). My husband is the same way, and imagines confrontation when there isn't one, or barely is one.

I'm so sorry that you have had the message that you are "bad" from so many people throughout your life. I can't imagine why people would be so rude and mean to you.

[Soupe du jour]

Fuzzybear, I think almost everyone here adores you. What I know of you here makes me adore you. When I didn't know you as well, I didn't fully appreciate you as much as I do now.

You know, no one is loved by everyone. I can certainly say that plenty of people not only didn't love me or appreciate me, but some even showed hatred towards me. Indifference is also common for everyone to experience, and often painful.

Being loved by one is better than being "sort of liked" by the whole world, in my view. I'm certain that Papa Bear loves you dearly. It doesn't matter what Papa Bear's family thinks. It's what Papa Bear thinks. And even if you were the one and only person that loved you, that, to me, is enough. I don't mean self-love in a narcissistic way, but in a core way. You are a very good person. I have even seen you recognize that in yourself, which I was happy to read. It's true that you are good.

I am so sorry if your parents (and/or others close to you) have not shown you sufficient love, or even any. That is not how parents and family members should be! It seems that they may have been ill, in some way not to. That can be pitied. We shouldn't have to earn love from our parents. We should be loved automatically and unconditionally. That is how God is supposed to love, in my view. Even those born ill in mind and spirit, or grossly misled to hate or hurt others. That's my view.

I think of us all here at PC as kin, of sorts. We support, encourage, cheer each other on. There is always someone (or many ones) that understand and commiserate. The joy of a place like PC is that we get to know each other in ways, albeit only via writing, that so many don't even face-to-face.

I did not have nearly as much appreciation and love for others (and myself) until later in my life's journey. It's interesting, but sad, that sometimes it takes struggle to find that out fully. I try not to resent the struggle, but rather appreciate it for bringing me to where I am now. Those that did not love me can stay in the past. I do not have to let them into my present or my future. The door can be shut on them, unless they knock and ask for forgiveness. Struggling and suffering for what will never be is a practice in folly. Instead, we have to recognize and seek the value in what is, can and should be.

[bizi]

(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[bpcyclist]

I am so sorry others have been insensitive and mean to you, Fuzzy. But I really think there is a kind, smart therapist out there who could help you. I wish we could find you one

Hugs!!!!

[Bipolarchic14]

I appreciate you Fuzzybear! The insults your mother said to you are a poor reflection on her, not you. Just because she said them, does not make them true. I am sorry you had a bad childhood and I am sorry you have not been able to find a competent therapist. I often wonder if good mental health professionals actual exist.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks everyone! Much appreciation to all here

[fern46]

Hugs Fuzzy!

[Moose72]

Fuzzy you are loved!