[bpcyclist]

So, long story short. I have bp 1, multiple long IP stays. Had manic spending. Psychotic a lot. Turned finances over to now ex, whom I treasure, mother of my precious daughter. Superb mommy. Ethical. Forthright. Responsible. 15 years ago. Me, super sick. So, money super tight for past many yrs. Would get reports of bills not paid, maybe. Confusing. I realize tonight she probably has been suffering from a shopping addiction forever. High IQ. Totally hidden. Not an evil molecule in her. Not one. But, I am almost 100 percent sure now she has been struggling all by herself for 15 years. My income to her is fairly high, supposedly. Whatever. Basically, I worked 100 hours a week for maybe 22 years to get in that position for children and me, too.

So, how to approach her? Huge trauma history, shame, bad PTSD. morally, in her soul, she is the sweetest, most generous person I know. She literally saved my life. Do not think she has has had any legal stuff, or whatever. But, I see shadow people under my door. Just need some help from you guys. Not really sure, like, what I am sposed to do and stuff. My best friend is a banker, but he dies not know about this whatever idea I just had
Am I sounding psychotic maybe? Thanks.

[bpcyclist]

Should I maybe take a little more Trilafon tonight cuz I am psychotic do you guys think? Dunno. Thanks, guys!

[fern46]

I think you do not sound well. She very well may have a problem, but set it aside for a few days until you're in a more balanced state. Call your doc and see what adjustment makes sense. The shadow people aren't real. You're safe.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by fern46

I think you do not sound well. She very well may have a problem, but set it aside for a few days until you're in a more balanced state. Call your doc and see what adjustment makes sense. The shadow people aren't real. You're safe.

Oh. Okay. Thanks. But no shadow people or hallucinations at all today. Totally at peace. Great run
Albert is happy and eating again. Dunno. Dunno. But thanks, fern.

[fern46]

That's great. The exercise helps I bet. I'm hoping Albert lets you get some sleep tonight.

Its great you have some awareness and you're questioning where you are at. Catching these sorts of things at the beginning is such a blessing. Hopefully it won't turn into anything.

[bpcyclist]

Thank you! So much! Greatest mama ever. Love her sooo much. Like a sister, I guess, maybe. Never had one, though.

[bpcyclist]

I guess my fear maybe is, if she does, indeed, have this issue, that were it to somehow end up in official, legal channels, here in this supposedly progressive mecca, the truth, the facts, the history, is that some prosecutors criminilize mental illness due to lack of science knowhow. So, here, some upstart, future mayor could snag this, label this selfless, sweet, outstanding mommy who literally saved my life as taking advantage of a bipolar person, and prosecute. Ridiculous. Totally immoral and nonfactual. She is an angel with her own untreated illness, maybe. Our sweet, smart, loving daughter, who spent years without her dad due to bp 1 now goes into foster care? That is good for whom? Who wishes that outcome? Noone. Noone. There is zero intent to harm any human here. It is all mental illness with tricky, potential legal potholes. And, also factually, on paper, there is enough money for everyone.Cannot happen. So, just need help figgering out how to lovingly approach her with help, so we and kids do not all end up with a judge putting me in the state hospital again due to incompetence. I am totally competent to live indepedently with help and support. No problem at all. So is she. No pdoc of truth and ethics would ever disagree with that. Ever. Thanks!

[bpcyclist]

Or, or, perhaps I am psychotic. I must say I had a day of peace and prayer. Ran 6 miles, maybe. Terrific day of absolute peace I sometimes find hard to locate. Ate. Yoga. Played with Albert. Worked on weird science project. Peaceful. Happy. Calm. Fed. Cleanish place. Sleeping just fine. Miss my precious children, as we all do here. But Neither of us is remotely state hospital material. Just need a loving, creative solution with help from other loving humans. Just like RBG so wiseley and humanely and lovingly wished for us.

[*Beth*]

Hi cyclist,

Bethers, here. I feel concerned because you've been having what sounds like some vicious anxiety lately. Seemed to exacerbate with the president getting covid. But even before DT getting sick, some of us had dialogued with you about some concerns we had because you were getting into some (maybe) hyper-religious (maybe) thinking, also having some fears about cameras in your walls.

I stand in profound respect at the objective, loving impression you have of your children's mother. She sounds like a lovely human being. Like you say, though, it seems there's some paranoia going on for you. I'm all for you raising your Trilafon dose.

Like fern, I hope you get some good, solid sleep tonight. What do you think about calling your pdoc in the morning?

[Soupe du jour]

Hi bpcyclist. I truly believe you have sounded unwell lately. Have you contacted your psychiatrist? If not, please do. It's important that you take care of yourself well.

I do not know what your ex's situation is. I am assuming she does have stuff going on, but you say she's smart. I will then assume she can fend enough for herself. You know in airplanes they always say to put your oxygen mask on before helping put it on others? That is because if you run out, you are no help to others.

Any shadow people are surely psychosis or cognitive distortion. Over anxiety is usually cognitive distortion, too. For example, your worry about Trump's covid. He'll likely be fine. Or if he isn't, his administration will know what to do. Life will go on, even with some hiccups. Please don't worry about such things. It will be OK.

[bpcyclist]

Oh, okay. Thanks. Yes. I am waiting to hear from pdoc. I am safe. Thanks.

[*Beth*]

Great - keep us posted on what your pdoc says.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Thank you! So much! Greatest mama ever. Love her sooo much. Like a sister, I guess, maybe. Never had one, though.

I can relate...

[Fuzzybear]

@bpcyclist - does your pdoc actually listen to you, and talk to you? I have no idea what that would feel like... a professional treating me with respect

[bpcyclist]

He treats me like a sick bu trusted partner. Loving. Empathetic. Tells me he thinks I am super sick and yet that other parts of my brain are well-functioning. Says I supposedly know and comprehend and integrate a remarkable amount of neuroscience that baffles and delights him, basically. I guess.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

He treats me like a sick bu trusted partner. Loving. Empathetic. Tells me he thinks I am super sick and yet that other parts of my brain are well-functioning. Says I supposedly know and comprehend and integrate a remarkable amount of neuroscience that baffles and delights him, basically. I guess.

That's nice They are not like that over here

[bpcyclist]

Nor here.

Albert is sleep-depriving me. Sleep. Trilafon. No IP for now
Grounded and at peace now. Thank you all so much for helping me. I get scared sometimes and need help.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Nor here.

Albert is sleep-depriving me. Sleep. Trilafon. No IP for now
Grounded and at peace now. Thank you all so much for helping me. I get scared sometimes and need help.

Much love to you and hugs to Albert

[bpcyclist]

Thank you guys so very much for your kindness. So thankful for you all.

[*Beth*]

I'm so glad, cyclist! So you're using Trilafon more for psychosis than for anxiety, or is it both? What's your dose now?

My cats, some of them, awaken me, too. I think they must wonder what we're doing for such a long time when we sleep. You know, where did we go.

[bpcyclist]

I am on 8 now. It is hard for me to lovingly integrate w Albert and sleep enough. Still working it out.

[*Beth*]

Yes, I certainly understand about Albert and sleep. My sleep is definitely adversely effected by a couple of my cats. Usually they want me to open the curtains just before dawn so they can climb on the ledges/cat tree and look outside. If I'm smart, I stumble out and open the curtains, go back to bed. Unfortunately, I almost always wake up, get online, and start to deal with the day's business. Then I don't return to sleep for 2 hours.

I know some people who don't allow their cats in their bedroom at night. That's not my preference, but I can understand why people opt for it.