[wolftrap]

Does anyone else use a cover story with people they meet or simple acquaintances? I've learned the hard way not to tell people I have bp until I trust them, and even then I've been burned.

I'm 54 and was in the technology business for about 25 years. I started a company and was somewhat successful. Now I paint abstract paintings. I let the world think that I was fortunate enough to retire early and that I can now do what I want to do in life.

In reality, I lost my last job, one of a string of many, 12 years ago. Two years later I declared bankruptcy. I was awarded disability benefits because it was clear that I was unable to work, manage my finances, or successfully complete day-to-day affairs. I suffered from crippling anxiety and the usual mood swings, energy swings, and I drank way too much.

I am now stable enough to be able to take care of myself and paint, which I love. I am fortunate enough to get financial support from my family when needed.


So, to the outside world it seems that I live a charmed life, and I let people think that until I think I can trust them. But, I hate having to do it.


Does anyone else have a similar way of dealing with their public identity?

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t talk to anyone really. Unless it’s a basic yes or no. I most likely have selective mutism so I never say anything really. I come off as either unfriendly or like I’m mentally challenged. Then if I get a chance to explain myself in writing it will be ok and people will somewhat understand me or totally understand me.

[*Beth*]

How wonderful that you can paint and live a less stressful life.

I used to share my diagnosis with people I was close to. I have come to profoundly regret having done so. I've found myself judged for having a mental illness and not "controlling it." It seems that almost everybody has an idea of whether I should (or should not) take medication.

Mental illness is still so misunderstood and feared. Most people seem to believe that those with MI can control it if we just try to - even if they claim to think otherwise. The ignorance most people have about what MI is floors me. I've been told to pray to cope with symptoms, to stop taking meds, not to trust big pharma, to take long walks, not to eat sugar, and so on. All actions that are supposed to magically cure my bipolar disorder.

The support I do receive is from others who have a MI and from mental health professionals. And from my cats

I cannot think of a single time when I have received support from anyone else, only them sharing their own agenda.

[wolftrap]

Thank you both for sharing. I too am constantly floored by people’s reactions, no matter how well meaning. Thus, my cover story. It’s partially true - I did retire early! I can’t tell you how many times my parents have told me that “everyone feel like that at some point in their lives”.

Mountaindewed, I’ve used writing twice to explain myself and it worked. This was not to people I see regularly, but my explanation was accepted.

My life is fairly stress free right now, and I am fortunate. I also appreciate that it could all come crashing down, so I am ever viligant, particularly with what I tell others.

[babs.superbird]

Dear Wolftrap,
It is incredibly insightful of you to bring up this subject and I thank you for it. Yes, indeed I have a cover story but it is still based partially in truth. I simply choose to leave certain parts out. Even in a mid-sized town, professionals know each other and word gets around. The loss of my career that I trained and worked so hard for was heart-wrenching. But what I do now is equally fulfilling, just in different ways. I have only shared the details with a select few friends and colleagues who know me well and were there during the catastrophic event that led to my demise. It was cathartic to be able to talk about it to them but I’m sure I don’t need to warn you that you have to be SURE of whom you can trust. Otherwise, stick to journaling or a trusted therapist. I wish you well.

[*Beth*]

What confuses - and angers - me is that most people who either don't have a mental illness or aren't in treatment for the MI they do have is that they believe they have to fix my bipolar disorder - which involves pushing their agenda on me. I look at them and usually don't see that their philosophy is working very well for them. So why tell others to do the same thing?


Just listening without judgment would be gold. That's why I've become extremely selective about who I confide in. First off, if the person is not, or never has been, in consistent psych treatment that person is not someone I believe has advice to offer to me.

[Fuzzybear]

I tell most people very little. If pushed, I might say something like ''admin'' if asked what I ''do''. I agree, if people listened without judgment it would be helpful. I have found few who have the ability or the desire to... Grrrrr.

[wolftrap]

Hi babs - I too found the loss of my career to be incredibly difficult. For two years I was in denial that I couldn't work in that field. Thanks for sharing.

I agree with everyone that if one hasn't had MI experience with a loved one or themselves, they cannot possibly have any way of understanding. It is indeed incredibly, sometimes horrifyingly, difficult to deal with.

It's so good to hear that others have had similar experiences.

[MuddyBoots]

I twist the truth. I make it seem like I earn money from writing and odd jobs, but in all honesty it’s not much and less than what I get from SSDI (which isn’t much either).
I’m in a spot now where everyone I talk to is either a very close friend I could tell anything to or someone I don’t tell my favorite song to, so it’s pretty easy- no one in the middle asking questions that warrant personal answers I dont feel comfortable giving.

[Moose72]

I tell people I'm a photographer even though I haven't taken any photos for months. I have a friend from college who IS a professional photographer - she has a watermark o her photos and everything- and then I feel like a fool. But I really don't have anything to say that I do- sometimes I just say "I'm disabled". That usually stops the conversation in its tracks. Its the same with 'How are you?' when I'm in the middle of an episode. Uh... Not good? Nah. I'm fine is what I say. You shock people if you tell them the truth to that question.

[fern46]

I have told a few people and my family has shared it with others. I try not to think about it too much. I am usually quite honest about it, but I only share certain details.

This got me thinking though. I have spent time searching for a cover story of sorts I can believe myself as I just don't like the way the brutal truth sounds. I find myself twisting the truth sometimes in my own mind to make myself feel better. The reality is that something incredibly traumatic and scary happened to me. The truth is I can only do so much to affect the outcome and there are things outside of my control. The truth is I am responsible for all of it even though I had little idea of what was happening. That's just a huge load of yucky to accept, but it's the truth. I'm uncertain of my purpose in life, but it seems clear I am meant to learn about giving up control, acceptance, and humility.

[daladico]

I tell people I switched jobs because I was burned out. But the bigger reason is because my brain/cognition hasn’t been working well and I was terrified I would make a major mistake at work.

[wolftrap]

Yeah, you shock people. I agree. Most folks cannot handle the truth because they have no context. It's not their fault, but it feels bad just the same.

[wolftrap]

Thanks all for sharing. I appreciate all of our common experiences. It is a conundrum to figure out how much is our "fault" vs. how we can function in our society the way it is structured. I have come to the conclusion that society is not ready to accept our mode of being. For instance, if told people that I have cancer or MS, they would totally accept where I'm coming from. But to have an MI...people don't know how to react. OK, this is an extreme example, and I was not in a good situation, but I was at a bar once and talking to the guy next to me, and he noticed that I had a medical band on my wrist, and he said "what is that for?" and I said "I have bipolar", and he actually said "Don't kill me." and he was an Afghanistan vet! I had been so respectful in asking him about his experience, and he totally blew me away. Oy...

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wolftrap

Thanks all for sharing. I appreciate all of our common experiences. It is a conundrum to figure out how much is our "fault" vs. how we can function in our society the way it is structured. I have come to the conclusion that society is not ready to accept our mode of being. For instance, if told people that I have cancer or MS, they would totally accept where I'm coming from. But to have an MI...people don't know how to react. OK, this is an extreme example, and I was not in a good situation, but I was at a bar once and talking to the guy next to me, and he noticed that I had a medical band on my wrist, and he said "what is that for?" and I said "I have bipolar", and he actually said "Don't kill me." and he was an Afghanistan vet! I had been so respectful in asking him about his experience, and he totally blew me away. Oy...

WOW. Sounds like he was ignorant, and afraid of himself.

Honestly, I think it's weird and rude when people ask about work or source of income, unless employment is the specific topic of conversation...and even then, I'd wait for another to volunteer the info.

I had a friend once; she and I were in a poetry class together and formed a nice friendship. At the time, I had 2 young children (5 and 2). My husband and I traded off caring for them; we wanted to be with them as much as possible. He was in between jobs; we were extremely lucky because his grandmother had left him a trust fund, which we lived off of for that year.

I never mentioned anything about our income to my friend. I wasn't avoiding it; it just didn't seem relevant to the friendship she and I had. She must have been burning with curiosity I guess, because one night she and I were waiting for BART (subway) in San Francisco. She turned to me with this sort-of ferocity and said, "So what DO you and your husband live on?!" I wasn't really sure what to think, so I stated the truth - that at the time, we wanted to be with our children and were living on a trust fund.

It was...weird. I don't know. Maybe it wasn't weird. But it felt weird, at least the way she almost snapped at me. I remember having the thought of looking directly at her and saying, "Oh. We're drug dealers. I never told you?"

I wonder what she would have said. She was kind-of snobby.

I'm glad I never told her I have bipolar disorder.

[wolftrap]

Yeah...I hear you. People can't handle the truth, or they have no context for accepting the truth. You were brave to tell her the truth of your financial situation. I have not done that, I've alluded to it, but let people thing what they will. The term bipolar has such a stigma attached to it. Most folks don't know what to do with it when you tell them. I'm just lucky he didn't pull out an AK-7! Ha ha, actually, he really was taken aback and didn't want anything to do with me after that. Not that I really minded, it was a dive bar after all

[Victoria'smom]

I say I'm a stay at home mom. My husband is a web developer. If I tell anyone about MI I say I have bipolar very few people know I have SzA (I can count on 1 hand). My husband is more open about his Dx. It's hard for me to be honest with the professionals let alone typical person.

in terms of hiding my mental illness, it doesn't work. it's so bad these days that people ask me are you this, are you that, etc- I tell them yes and that's the end, they walk away from me.

in terms of a job, I don't work- and I'm lucky that not many people ask me what I do for a living (I don't really have anyone who can ask me)

I use to say I was a vet (no idea why I said that, because it's clear I had no vet interest, ever) I suppose it was the first thing that came to my mind

but now when someone asks me what I do, I don't warrant it with an answer at all. what I do is just change the subject with a comment like, well that doesn't matter I guess

usually it works

[BipolaRNurse]

I just tell people I’m a retired RN and a writer. If pressed, I’ll admit to being medically retired, but for most that’s enough information. I’m not gonna stand there explaining myself and my MI. My story isn’t all that interesting anyway, no need to share it when all I’m doing is making small talk.