[Soupe du jour]

BeyondtheRainbow, I'm sorry for your family member and family during this rough time. I hope his time at home, in hospice, is as comfortable as possible. I can say that having the time to prepare oneself is important for the grieving process.

Jennifer, may you have many more stable and pleasant days ahead of you. I'm happy to read you've been well.

My realtor called a few minutes ago to tell me that there has been a switch in the realtor that will let the planned buyer of our house in with his home inspector. Apparently the buyer's realtor just tested positive for covid-19, so can't come on Friday. Instead, our realtor is sending her adult daughter who also works in real estate. Obviously, we are happy that no one with covid-19 will enter our house. We also prefer someone associated with our realtor over someone else's. Apparently our realtor's daughter helped man the open house we had two and a half weeks ago. She said her daughter told her that there were 72 people who came (some "lookie loos" and neighbors, I'm sure). Can you believe it? Our neighbor said people were lined up out our door and around the end of our driveway, but we didn't know the exact number. Apparently the buyer we accepted the offer from came to the open house. There were also 38 separate private showings of our house. This was all within 3 1/2 days. My neighbor is planning on selling her house soon. She's ultra excited that we got the interest and offers we got. It sure is an odd time to sell, though, given covid. I will say that every day people came, we disinfected all handles in our house, when we'd get home. We'll do the same on Friday, after the buyer and inspector leave.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t know what happened. I wanted to sleep. I don’t think I wanted to harm myself. But I took very strong cough syrup. Usually I take the high blood pressure stuff but this was nighttime 10% alcohol stuff. I then emailed my therapist and told her I needed help. So I’m going to the hospital tomorrow for an assessment. After emailing her I fell into this deep deep sleep where I was kinda hallucinating. I woke up 10 minutes ago feeling awful. My mom knows I need help now. Before falling asleep she asked if I needed to go to the ER for an OD. I told her I’d sleep it off. We agree I just need an outpatient program. I don’t want to go inpatient. But at least I’m finally going for an assessment. My therapist is giving the hospital and my Pdoc a heads up so if I do need inpatient then hopefully I can get into that particular hospital which is the only good one in the area.

Basically today I wasn’t feeling good physically so I wanted to avoid my physical pain by taking meds to help me sleep through the night. My therapist said I can’t have anymore sessions until I completed a higher level of care though.

If anything I need to go to my physician and gynecologist for a lot of tests.

[Victoria'smom]

I've been off meds for a while. Now that everything is straitened out (supposable). I don't want to pick them up or take them. I know it's in my best interest to because eventually it'll be take the meds or go to the hospital. I'm so just melancholy. I'm questioning my BPness. I'm not struggling with my ED right now. I don't know. I want to talk to T about it but I don't talk to her for a while. How do I know that I need this medication.... all the time? I'm struggling with wanting better because this is okay.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I don’t know what happened. I wanted to sleep. I don’t think I wanted to harm myself. But I took very strong cough syrup. Usually I take the high blood pressure stuff but this was nighttime 10% alcohol stuff. I then emailed my therapist and told her I needed help. So I’m going to the hospital tomorrow for an assessment. After emailing her I fell into this deep deep sleep where I was kinda hallucinating. I woke up 10 minutes ago feeling awful. My mom knows I need help now. Before falling asleep she asked if I needed to go to the ER for an OD. I told her I’d sleep it off. We agree I just need an outpatient program. I don’t want to go inpatient. But at least I’m finally going for an assessment. My therapist is giving the hospital and my Pdoc a heads up so if I do need inpatient then hopefully I can get into that particular hospital which is the only good one in the area.

Basically today I wasn’t feeling good physically so I wanted to avoid my physical pain by taking meds to help me sleep through the night. My therapist said I can’t have anymore sessions until I completed a higher level of care though.

If anything I need to go to my physician and gynecologist for a lot of tests.

I'm relieved to hear that you're going in for an assessment tomorrow. Please, please be fully honest with whoever you talk with, okay?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

...I know it's in my best interest to because eventually it'll be take the meds or go to the hospital. ...

Yes.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

My family member who is dying has been in the hospital for a week. He is going to be admitted to hospice in the morning and will come home as soon as they are set up for him. It isn't likely to be very long before he isn't with us. I've known this would be hard but I've been focusing on the place we've been in, not where we'd be going. It's time to look at the place we're going. It's so hard.

I'm sending you love, Rainbow.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm relieved to hear that you're going in for an assessment tomorrow. Please, please be fully honest with whoever you talk with, okay?

Yes. My therapist also said to be completely honest with them. I honestly think I just need an outpatient program. I really don’t think I need IP. I don’t think they’d want anyone in the hospital who absolutely doesn’t need to be there.

Can they do a urine test to see what I’ve taken? And then assess me from that? I’ve seen that in a TV show and she had a lot of cough syrup in her system.

I won all my games at Scrabble club, took a shower i was overdue for and groomed my dog a bit. I find i'm getting easily-overwhelmed these days. Even TV is too much. I had a hard time lasting thru the news, so over-stimulating. Knitting is much better. Have to build up my knitting muscles tho.

@Blue_Bird: So glad you got home safely. Be careful out there!

@Jennifer 1967: Happy to hear you had a nice day. You work so hard caring for your family, you deserve it!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Yes. My therapist also said to be completely honest with them. I honestly think I just need an outpatient program. I really don’t think I need IP. I don’t think they’d want anyone in the hospital who absolutely doesn’t need to be there.

Can they do a urine test to see what I’ve taken? And then assess me from that? I’ve seen that in a TV show and she had a lot of cough syrup in her system.

I'm relieved that you will be getting some help, Mountaindewed. I hope you get the most appropriate care for your situation.

If your therapist and psychiatrist worry about you using some substances, there will most likely be both a urine and blood test. Actually, in my psych hospitals, I believe both were standard tests that tested various things, including substance consumption. If they find some substance actually present (that you truly consumed), isn't that a good thing? That way they know what they're dealing with.

I took the executive decision and my language exchange account. That means the only social account I have open now is this one, which is also might find itself on the list of accounts to be deleted. If I were to delete this account, however, I truly would be without any actual contact to the outside world. I do not have friend who live locally and days can do without by without my phone making a sound. I'm doing what is best for me, what is right for me.

The likelihood right now of me deleting this account isn't that high, but I did want to put that on that table. I'm only mentioning it so if by chance you notice I'm gone one day, that's probably what happened -- so you don't have to wonder. The problem is I hate how the world works and I can't do a thing to change it. I have to do what I have to in order to protect me. So, if truly becoming a hermit is what I have to do-- so be it.

I'm going to go back to laying in the dark in the floor for now. I don't know how to deal with this any other way, so this is what I'm doing. I understand many of you probably don't agree with my opinions on the ordeal or how I feel about the way it came about, but again, I am looking out for me. I will do what is best for me. Understand it or not, this is the response.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Yes. My therapist also said to be completely honest with them. I honestly think I just need an outpatient program. I really don’t think I need IP. I don’t think they’d want anyone in the hospital who absolutely doesn’t need to be there.

Can they do a urine test to see what I’ve taken? And then assess me from that? I’ve seen that in a TV show and she had a lot of cough syrup in her system.

Yes, I believe they can see what you've taken with a urine test. Another reason why you need to be honest.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

I took the executive decision and my language exchange account. That means the only social account I have open now is this one, which is also might find itself on the list of accounts to be deleted. If I were to delete this account, however, I truly would be without any actual contact to the outside world. I do not have friend who live locally and days can do without by without my phone making a sound. I'm doing what is best for me, what is right for me.

The likelihood right now of me deleting this account isn't that high, but I did want to put that on that table. I'm only mentioning it so if by chance you notice I'm gone one day, that's probably what happened -- so you don't have to wonder. The problem is I hate how the world works and I can't do a thing to change it. I have to do what I have to in order to protect me. So, if truly becoming a hermit is what I have to do-- so be it.

I'm going to go back to laying in the dark in the floor for now. I don't know how to deal with this any other way, so this is what I'm doing. I understand many of you probably don't agree with my opinions on the ordeal or how I feel about the way it came about, but again, I am looking out for me. I will do what is best for me. Understand it or not, this is the response.

I believe your membership on PC is important for you to maintain. Besides, how would anyone know you're here?

[bpcyclist]

Sleep is so so. Not manic. Little lonely, still. But excited to be building this new company with daladico, my sweet daladico. Using these young Portlanders who want to change the world to help with suicides. Lotta money. So excited.

I love all of you so very much !! Behind on reading. Work. Sorry. Oh. Buying a super cool plane. So excited.

[Gabyunbound]

I got calls yesterday from the hospice chaplain, my mom's nurse who saw her yesterday and will be going every week, and the social worker. All lovely people.

Mom's caregiver called Hospice yesterday afternoon because she was having a great deal of pain and shortness of breath. They said they'd send a nurse over and mom was already waiting for the courier delivery of her oxycodone.

I drove over there because the nurse had changed some meds and I wanted to write it all out very clearly for mom's caregivers (she has 24/7 care) and in the hopes that I'd coincide with the on-call nurse who was coming.

So just when I got there, the oxycodone was delivered, and not long after, the nurse arrived.

She gave my mom 2 doses of morphine, about 2 hours apart (she brought it and filled syringes with it to make it easy) and my mom took an oxycodone.

I thought my mom would nearly pass out from the meds, but she didn't. She also didn't seem high.

BUT, after about an hour and a half, she was pain free, not short of breath, not hyperventilating from anxiety... She was my MOM again!!! We had a nice visit and then I had to turn around and drive back home. Got home late.

But I am SO grateful for Hospice! My mother was herself again and that is priceless. I also asked the nurse for a new pill organizer and to put my mother's many meds in there. I didn't think she'd have time, but she got everything organized in a much better organizer. It was such a relief. And from now on, her regular nurse can fill the boxes every week for her.

Yesterday I was at the end of my rope. I started to cry multiple times. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm worried all the time, and still trying to coordinate Hospice, though I think from now on, it's pretty set up.

My Mom's back... I could cry... but from joy this time.

[daladico]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

I took the executive decision and my language exchange account. That means the only social account I have open now is this one, which is also might find itself on the list of accounts to be deleted. If I were to delete this account, however, I truly would be without any actual contact to the outside world. I do not have friend who live locally and days can do without by without my phone making a sound. I'm doing what is best for me, what is right for me.

The likelihood right now of me deleting this account isn't that high, but I did want to put that on that table. I'm only mentioning it so if by chance you notice I'm gone one day, that's probably what happened -- so you don't have to wonder. The problem is I hate how the world works and I can't do a thing to change it. I have to do what I have to in order to protect me. So, if truly becoming a hermit is what I have to do-- so be it.

I'm going to go back to laying in the dark in the floor for now. I don't know how to deal with this any other way, so this is what I'm doing. I understand many of you probably don't agree with my opinions on the ordeal or how I feel about the way it came about, but again, I am looking out for me. I will do what is best for me. Understand it or not, this is the response.

@marcus-
It sounds like you’re deeply hurting. I am so so sorry if there is anything we can do to help support you, please let us know. I worry about your thoughts of completely shutting yourself off from the world. We are not meant to go through this alone. I emotionally shut myself off from people for about 3 years and my world got so so small and it killed my heart and soul and being. Marcus, we care about you. I love reading your posts. You have such raw authenticity. I would be really sad to see you go. Yes, the world is a painful place. And when we are in such dark deep lows, it’s a natural response to want to cut everyone off. But I promise you, allowing people to help support you is worth it. Big hugs my friend. I’m thinking about you & sincerely hope the darkness lifts soon 🖤

[Victoria'smom]

Well they screwed up my meds again! Now it'll be up to 4 days before I can get them. I'm so frustrated. I don't even want to take the damn thing.

[daladico]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I got calls yesterday from the hospice chaplain, my mom's nurse who saw her yesterday and will be going every week, and the social worker. All lovely people.

Mom's caregiver called Hospice yesterday afternoon because she was having a great deal of pain and shortness of breath. They said they'd send a nurse over and mom was already waiting for the courier delivery of her oxycodone.

I drove over there because the nurse had changed some meds and I wanted to write it all out very clearly for mom's caregivers (she has 24/7 care) and in the hopes that I'd coincide with the on-call nurse who was coming.

So just when I got there, the oxycodone was delivered, and not long after, the nurse arrived.

She gave my mom 2 doses of morphine, about 2 hours apart (she brought it and filled syringes with it to make it easy) and my mom took an oxycodone.

I thought my mom would nearly pass out from the meds, but she didn't. She also didn't seem high.

BUT, after about an hour and a half, she was pain free, not short of breath, not hyperventilating from anxiety... She was my MOM again!!! We had a nice visit and then I had to turn around and drive back home. Got home late.

But I am SO grateful for Hospice! My mother was herself again and that is priceless. I also asked the nurse for a new pill organizer and to put my mother's many meds in there. I didn't think she'd have time, but she got everything organized in a much better organizer. It was such a relief. And from now on, her regular nurse can fill the boxes every week for her.

Yesterday I was at the end of my rope. I started to cry multiple times. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm worried all the time, and still trying to coordinate Hospice, though I think from now on, it's pretty set up.

My Mom's back... I could cry... but from joy this time.

Oh @gaby your post made me cry- what a beautiful thing to have your mom back!!! So glad she is getting times of peace and that you are able to share that with her 💛💛💛 hospice can be hard... the whole process can be gut wrenching... but when you have those precious moments, it is a beautiful beautiful thing. I’m so grateful you have those. Sending you big hugs. Please take good care of yourself through this time. Take a bath, listen to some music, think about the good times with your mom. And as much as possible, don’t worry about anything except spending that quality time with your mom. Those are beautiful moments you will never forget. Big hugs to you 💞

I made pancakes today which were actually quite yummy.

I don't know why I fancied them, I just did...

I know: a real game changer to life, but beats the alternative.. sat doing nothing

[Mountaindewed]

I really don’t want to go. But my therapist and Pdoc said they won’t see me anymore unless I go over there. She actually gave me a list of referrals of other places. That’s how serious they are taking this. I will go but I won’t go until tomorrow. That way they can’t involuntarily hospitalize me since the cough syrup would be more than 24 hours ago. I do not want to go inpatient but I’ll do whatever out patient program they offer. Mainly because I feel like **** not because I want to continue working with my team.

[Victoria'smom]

Md have you ever been IP? it maybe beneficial if you get into a hospital you want. I'm not saying it's fun but it may be helpful.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Md have you ever been IP? it maybe beneficial if you get into a hospital you want. I'm not saying it's fun but it may be helpful.

Yeah I’ve been IP and it’s been pretty bad and I wasn’t even trans then. It could be really bad if I went in now.

Trans people get a lot of harassment just from everyday people. There are quite a few very unstable people in an IP mental health unit. I truly feel unsafe going IP but I will do outpatient.

[Daonnachd]

I met with my T yesterday. Among other things we went over my ECT narrative. She pointed out a couple of things I could change and helped me make decisions on a couple more things. So I'm down to the wire editing and rewriting. I've got ECT on Monday and want to be able to hand a hardcopy to my doc then.

Today I make the two hour drive to get a covid test at the hospital where I get ECT done. Then it's quarantine until Monday.

A'best to all yez.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Well they screwed up my meds again! Now it'll be up to 4 days before I can get them. I'm so frustrated. I don't even want to take the damn thing.

Can I help ? Do you want me to use my doctor voice and gripe at them ? I am happy to do it.

[Mountaindewed]

I called the hospital and they said to just come in anytime for an assessment and tomorrow would be fine. I talked with my therapist in email after the call and she said it’s fine to go tomorrow unless things get worse, then go tonight. and as long as I complete the program she and Pdoc will continue to work with me. She sent some info over to the hospital so they know about my case and how best to help me when I go in. If no ones forcing me to go today it must not be dire and I’ll hopefully just be able to do outpatient. My mom hid the cough syrup but I wasn’t going to take it anyways.

[Victoria'smom]

bpcyclist thank-you I'm waiting for a call back from my pdoc today or tomorrow. When the pharmacy gets the right order then they'll order it. They're pretty mad they don't have the right script