[wildflowerchild25]

I’ve been sick since Sunday. Headache, slight nausea, fatigue. No fever or respiratory symptoms so I haven’t gone for a covid test. I did call out yesterday just because if it is something contagious or god forbid a mild form a covid I wouldn’t want to spread it. I asked for my boss to call me back to tell me if he wanted me to come in today if I felt better. Well, I do feel better so I went to work and still got kicked out lol. The school nurse called the covid liaison and she said I had to be symptom free for 24 hours before I could come back. I went to bed last night feeling a little better but not much so that’s not enough.

I’m upset only because I once again have no PTO since I earn so little every two weeks. So I won’t be getting paid fir like 2.5 days right with Christmas coming up! Just fantastic. Well I honestly wasn’t planning on buying anything for my uncle’s family. And probably not even my mom because she’s a hoarder and I’m tired of helping her add to her hoard. She even hoards food (like canned goods and bottled water) so even a grocery store gift card will add to the mess. I think I’m just going to get her a box of chocolate and call it a day. Everyone else will just have to get a small gift card with an apology lol.

[Gabyunbound]

So I went back to my mom's yesterday because of an appt I had to take my mother to and because the Hospice nurse was coming to do the admission.

The admission visit took about 3 hours.

While the discharge coordinator at the hospital said that they were basing her admission into hospice on her diagnoses, the Hospice nurse said that 2 physicians had certified that she had no more than 6 months to live. My mother was, of course, horrified and also blindsided.

I did not and have not let sink in her expected life span. I have just been focused on all of the work and details to be taken care of regarding her continued care (appointment with Urologist yesterday and appointment with GI doctor coming up), organizing her meds, getting calls from everyone on the Hospice team...Just everything.

And my mother is lashing out at me. Has off and on for some time, but now it is relentless. It is so so hard to take... I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it hurts so bad. She's lost all control of her life and her body and needs to lash out at someone. She loves the particular care giver who was with her yesterday. She was super nice to her, a stranger (and she's new) and awful to me, her own daughter, who's been caring for her for years. It hurts so bad. I need to learn not to take it personally.

At some point, when the Hospice admissions nurse was there, after some 2 hours, after my mother lashed out at me for the inth time, I announced I needed to take a break, and went to another room. After some time, the nurse came and found me and comforted me, I cried, and explained why my mother is behaving the way she is. It was very kind of her, and she knows what she's talking about...

I will still need to coordinate her care to some extent, but the Hospice team will now be helping. A nurse will be coming every week to check on her. The admissions nurse said that myself or my brother should be there for each of those visits. That's hard when you work! I've already taken 3 days off of work this week. But hopefully my brother and I can take turns.

Some 4 years ago, when I moved to the same state where my brother and my mother live, my brother said he was 'bowing out' of her care. That's when I took over, and since then she has declined a great deal. But he has finally stepped up to the plate. I spoke with my cousin last night, told he and his family how surprised I was, and they said it was probably his wife (who's a lovely, lovely human being) who pushed him into it. But whatever the reason, he has stepped up and then some.

The cottage he's building on his land for her won't be ready for some 3 months. So he's going to put her in his oldest son's room, his son goes into the guest room, he's blowing out a wall to put in an accessible bathroom (she's only been doing sponge-baths for months, but the Hospice CNA, who will come in 3 days a week, will be able to carry her into the tub and truly bathe her and wash her hair). Anyway, that construction work should be done by Christmas. As I've said before, that means she will be 30 mins away from me, instead of 1.5 hours away from me, and I will be able to visit her much more often, including on about 2 weekdays, given my schedule, which is different every day.

Yesterday, when I went there to take my mom to her Urology appt and be there for the Hospice nurse, I brought my pill organizer and PRN's just in case something happened and I'd need to spend the night. I'm going to do this from now on, as long as she lives where she is now. I just cannot be without my meds.

Thanks to all who have read this long missive. And thank you for the support I have received here. It means a lot.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel pretty good today mental health wise. I swear my therapist is a lot of my problem. Although the unhealthy behaviors are totally on me. The Irish cream cold brews are back at Starbucks. So I got one since they kept selling out last year. I didn’t realize they were out until I checked the Starbucks website. I had already had a can of iced coffee at 1:30 this morning and then I had a slim fast for breakfast. After the trenta cold brew I ended up having a ton of diarrhea. I haven’t had any water today so now I’m probably pretty dehydrated. This is the kind of stuff I’m going to get in trouble for.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

So I went back to my mom's yesterday because of an appt I had to take my mother to and because the Hospice nurse was coming to do the admission.

Thanks to all who have read this long missive. And thank you for the support I have received here. It means a lot.

It’s great that your brother stepped up to the plate. Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

It was a rainy day so i just relaxed inside. I got to some quick housework early on but then just took it easy. I'm looking at a COVID Christmas alone but i'm not too worried. I've spent the last twenty-two Christmases alone. It's just another day to me. I just think of how lucky i am to miss all the family squabbles. Sound like people who have family just end up annoyed with them.

It's been a while since i talked to anyone, had a conversation. I wonder if i remember how to?

I got my second-highest play of all time in Scrabble today and it was the same word as my highest! ANTIQUES for 200! What are the odds? I don't even like antiques!

@bpcyclist: Those are some great pictures! How fit and healthy the two of you look! Thanks for sharing!

Hugs to all who struggle!

Congrats on the Scrabble! Sounds fun.

I'll be alone on Christmas, too. Since my kids left home I'm almost always alone on Christmas. The solitude holidays are wonderful. I take a break from any chores that aren't absolutely necessary, watch movies, read, check in here, just enjoy the day.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

They know a bit. They know I don’t always eat a lot and my therapist does mention eating disorders sometimes. They don’t know how extreme it’s gotten though. I did talk to my mom last night and I told her everything and she wants me to see my therapist every week to discuss these things.

I agree with your mom.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by daladico

Yesterday really was an incredible day. @bpc you truly are one of a kind and I am so grateful to have you as my friend!!!

We dream of meeting more of our pc family one day!! We have so much love and deep respect for each of you. What incredible people we have here. Big hugs <3

Lovely photo! We do have such a special group here.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

...

You're amazing, Gaby!

The last year of my mom's life she was mean and extremely difficult to be around. She was harsh to me and downright cruel to my sister. Our other sister told my mom to knock it off. That sister never helped take care of our mother, but I can hardly blame her.

We wondered if she was beginning to slip into dementia (she was mentally ill), or if maybe her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen (she had congestive heart failure).

I don't know what was going on, but it was a sad year with her.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I have hiked from the West Bank to Thailand. This was the prettiest hike I have ever been on. More tomorrow.

God was with us. Look at the light streaming through th trees. Him. Watching over us. So special. I love daladico so much. Like a daughter to me. Love and hugs.

Is that a picture of you?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Moose72: Your home looks very festive and the blanket is lovely!

Thanks. The blanket is almost half done. My mom works on it here and there. She said she worked on it the other day while her work was having a zoom meeting. It's mostly just listening to other people talk, so that's why it was convenient.

[Nammu]

My sister is driving me crazy today. She brought her vacuum cleaner and is moving all the furniture but doesn’t put it back where it belongs. It’s nice of her to do tho cause of my back I can’t move the furniture. But I’m irritated all the same though I shouldn’t be. She got here right after I woke up so I haven’t had my alone time with my chai to wake up. I feel selfish.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Bpcyclist, such beautiful photographs. Thanks for sharing! It was so sweet that you and dalico met and enjoyed such a lovely hike together. I'm a little jealous

Moose, your apartment looks so festive with the lights. Mine are all packed already. I am hoping my sister-in-law decorates. We will likely be at her house for Christmas. The blanket is also nice. Do you know how to knit/crochet, too?

If you're going to your sister-in-law's for Christmas, then I should hope she would decorate! My mom decorated her place and nobody is coming over for Christmas, I don't think. Speaking of that, we are thinking about drawing names out of a hat. We've done this in previous years, so that we all only have to get one present. That's how I got my TV one year from my kids and my step-dad combined. I think the blanket is going to be fantastic when it's finished! Here is a pic of the lamp that it's going to match!

[bpcyclist]

Testing.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Testing.

Seems your test was successful!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Seems your test was successful!

Thanks, honey. Having a hard time posting pictures. Ugh.

[bpcyclist]

I flrgot to say how much I love and teasure all of you today. So. I love and treasure all of you. Yay !!

[Soupe du jour]

Got to Pennsylvania to discover that they have much stricter covid rules again. I guess their numbers are way up. Worse than NJ, which is now less strict. I'm waiting in my car for Hubby. It could be well over an hour. I am not allowed to wait in their office waiting rooms, but can out near the elevator. I'd rather be in the chillier car with no mask than near the elevator with. Plus, some man is playing loud and lousy music on his phone that all near him are forced to hear. I'm sure he wouldn't like if I blasted heavy metal music, would he?

[MuddyBoots]

Demons... starting to get scared. Have so much to do but cannot get myself to do any of it.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not feeling good today. My stomach is off. My temp was 98.8. I know not a big deal but still kinda nervous about it. Not even gonna try to eat if I really can’t.

I was trying to diet but now it seems like I’m having no trouble doing it. Wouldn’t be the first time something ended up turning into something else.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Demons... starting to get scared. Have so much to do but cannot get myself to do any of it.

Do you have any Seroquel around ?

Well, today it happened. That day I’ve always dreaded... that moment where your past bites you in the ***. I am literally pretty shaken up about it and very upset. I just feel defeated and unable to come back from it. In an attempt to just feel better about life I’ve been trying to use outlets to get to know new people. I’m been part of a language learning community for a long time. A nice guy from the UK started talking to me about his interests in Latin. Our conversations have been really fun and I have enjoyed becoming his friend. In the process, I’ve let my full name be known to him. Long story short, he decided to google search me and found where I ruined my life in 2017 with a DUI. I went into a panic and began to cry. Firstly, I was under a false sense of security because literally a few weeks ago I did a search and didn’t find anything, so I thought it was pretty well buried. Secondly, I was angry. I know it’s just how people are – but that is a conversation I have not even had with family members, let alone strangers. It was a very traumatic event that led to so much of my life crumbling around me. That should have been my story to tell when I was ready to let it be known, not his to find out by other means than me. I know that’s not how life works, but it still hurts.

He was , understanding? His actual part in this is mainly irrelevant due to the extreme pain I feel by the scenario. I feel I can’t even let people know my last name without fear. I feel ashamed and upset. It was a mistake I made and I’ll never have it behind me. I still haven’t taught since, I lost my apartment, my spouse, everything. I can’t even stand to look myself in the mirror—why would I ever believe someone could be my friend, let alone love me one day? I mean it just made me realize there is nothing “marketable” about me. Any glimmer of coming out on top is gone. The innocent, intellectual, fun conversations are now over. Why couldn’t he have found my billions of awards and accomplishments from college, or my teaching career. Why that? I mean I have erased every aspect of that incident from my life. I burned the clothes I wore the night of the incident, I don’t drive down that road unless mandatory, I won’t even get in that car model if I don’t have to. I don’t want to remember and I don’t want to be judged by strangers. He apologized and said he thought it would be some silly, funny, dumb joke like story about a wild night. … yeah, sadly, it isn’t.

If I ever felt like giving up, today is it. Maybe I should just wear a sign that says “I suffered child abuse, witnessed horrific things, got a DUI, am Bipolar and have low self esteem” and save everyone the trouble of wondering. Damn.

[Blue_Bird]

I got my Christmas shopping done today. All through Amazon. I hope everyone likes their gifts.

It snowed today, I was walking back in it from CVS and it looked like a blizzard. I almost got hit by a car on my way walking home. That was a very scary moment. It missed me by like an inch. I feel like God was with me in that moment, I'm very lucky.

Had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm doing well so didn't need any changes in meds. She said she feels disconnected from patients when doing phone appointments. I kind of feel that way sometimes too. But it's okay, I know it's important that they limit the amount of people coming into the clinic. I'm just glad there's a way to have appointments at all.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new primary care doctor. It's in person, but that's only because it's my first appointment with him.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I got my Christmas shopping done today. All through Amazon. I hope everyone likes their gifts.

It snowed today, I was walking back in it from CVS and it looked like a blizzard. I almost got hit by a car on my way walking home. That was a very scary moment. It missed me by like an inch. I feel like God was with me in that moment, I'm very lucky.

Had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm doing well so didn't need any changes in meds. She said she feels disconnected from patients when doing phone appointments. I kind of feel that way sometimes too. But it's okay, I know it's important that they limit the amount of people coming into the clinic. I'm just glad there's a way to have appointments at all.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new primary care doctor. It's in person, but that's only because it's my first appointment with him.

Yikes - I'm glad you avoided the car! How scary.

I think almost everyone feels disturbed & disconnected about the phone/video mental health appointments and sessions. It will be amazing when we can go back to f2f.

[Sunflower123]

I have had an amazing day that will end with a delicious dinner and a delightful Zoom meeting. I’m feeling much better. I love days that flow. I wish I had more control over that. I’m not foolish enough to think everything is hunky dory but I’ll gladly take the reprieve. Hallelujah! A few good days in a row.

Warm regards to all.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My family member who is dying has been in the hospital for a week. He is going to be admitted to hospice in the morning and will come home as soon as they are set up for him. It isn't likely to be very long before he isn't with us. I've known this would be hard but I've been focusing on the place we've been in, not where we'd be going. It's time to look at the place we're going. It's so hard.