[Nammu]

Jennifer

[Victoria'smom]

I'm scattered, I want to work, I feel trapped, like I'm going to have to run and hide any second, I can't afford my AD this month, so when I run out it'll be horrible, I have to find a good audio book because I literally can't do anything else. I would love to go to art school or trade school but don't have the money to do something like that.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I think most people here know I care for my brother who is in poor health and my 85 year old mom who is in cognitive decline. She was cooking bacon and walked off and forgot it last week. I got there in time to put out the fire. My brother, who is a paranoid schizophrenic, screams in pain when he walks. I got him an appointment with a good foot doctor Tuesday. In addition, there are some major things that need to be repaired with the house that I’m trying to juggle. My sister is MIA.

Guys, I feel like I’m bending under the responsibilities. Some days I feel adequate and other days scared witless. I called my therapist tonight and asked her to start telehealth each week instead of bi-weekly. I’m at my wit’s end and I’m afraid it will start impacting my mental health. Then we’d really be up the creek.

I promised mom I would always take care of my brother. I hope I can keep that promise.

Thanks for listening. Feeling overwhelmed and inadequate tonight. I’ve got to stay strong because I’m the only rational mind here.

Jennifer, that is a lot. It's natural that you'd feel overwhelmed and inadequate at times. Be kind to yourself. Seriously.

[WildcatVet]

Awake at 4:00am today, fed all the pets, fed the chickens and cleaned their coop, dusted and vacuumed, washed up last night's dishes. Now on to laundry. A bit manic today???

[daladico]

@jennifer that is a TON on your plate. If you haven’t done so, ask your mother & brother’s insurance plans (or primary doc) if there are any extra resources to help out with their care. Your mom would not want you to live your life feeling like you are going to break. You are amazing. As Beth said, be kind to yourself. Hugs to you 💛

[Blue_Bird]

I had a scary moment last night related to my eating disorder. But I'm feeling better now. Maybe I needed that scare to get me on the track to recovering.

Took a walk today. Trying to walk more and get outside more often.

My first day of group is this Friday, I'm looking forward to it.

My sister is stopping by this weekend to have coffee and pumpkin pie with me.

[Soupe du jour]

Sounds so nice, Blue_Bird. I did similar today and it helped me, too. I even enjoyed some pumpkin pie this week, but confess I ate it myself (my husband doesn't like it).

My endo biopsy is done. It did hurt, but for only a couple seconds. I told my gynecologist that today may be the last time I see her. I've been going to her for maybe 22 years. She said that under normal circumstances she would have wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but these are sad times, in that respect.

I texted our realtor that my house is mostly ready to go on the market. We just need to give it a weekly style deep cleaning and tidying. She said that she can start showing it this Saturday. It's really happening now!

[*Beth*]

A gorgeous autumn day. Chilly! I'm loving the cooler temperature, and I'd love it even more if I had hot water . Maintenance came on Friday to do something with the plumbing in my apartment complex (which is small). Now I don't have hot water. I'm hoping someone alerts the manager so I don't have to .

A teletherapy appointment this afternoon. It's always good to see her.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok today I guess. I am worried I have something going on though. There’s this cyst and then this morning I found bright red blood and I have pain and itching. Last night I had stomach cramps. I have all the signs of vulvua (sorry timi) cancer and I’m kind of nervous. I set up an appointment for my gynecologist tomorrow. I forgot my mask for the first time because I am so worried. Luckily I had just closed the car door when I realized. Usually though I put it on before I get out of the car. I think I was getting a couple curious stares from people in the parking lot wondering if I was going to put one on. But whatever. I remembered. I went to a thrift store today I haven’t gone to in awhile and they were asking $30 for sneakers and $60 for a used jean jacket. At a thrift store! I really wanted the jacket but I can buy them new for less. I know places are struggling but that seems like straight out price gouging. If that’s even a thing in thrift stores. I did find a baseball hat with the tag still on it for $4.

[*Beth*]

Hi Md, Remember that you have pretty bad health anxiety. I'm glad you're seeing your gyn tomorrow, just to put your mind at rest.

I used to shop at recycled clothing stores and thrifts, but I never do anymore because the prices they charge for anything decent is laughable. I can go to Macy's and find tons of clothing on sale that is much cheaper than the thrift stores are.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I think most people here know I care for my brother who is in poor health and my 85 year old mom who is in cognitive decline. She was cooking bacon and walked off and forgot it last week. I got there in time to put out the fire. My brother, who is a paranoid schizophrenic, screams in pain when he walks. I got him an appointment with a good foot doctor Tuesday. In addition, there are some major things that need to be repaired with the house that I’m trying to juggle. My sister is MIA.

Guys, I feel like I’m bending under the responsibilities. Some days I feel adequate and other days scared witless. I called my therapist tonight and asked her to start telehealth each week instead of bi-weekly. I’m at my wit’s end and I’m afraid it will start impacting my mental health. Then we’d really be up the creek.

I promised mom I would always take care of my brother. I hope I can keep that promise.

Thanks for listening. Feeling overwhelmed and inadequate tonight. I’ve got to stay strong because I’m the only rational mind here.

That is QUITE a lot on your plate!! You'll be in my thoughts. I'll echo what others have said ... be kind to yourself, see if help is available... Oh! And just take it a moment at a time. Lots of

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m not doing so hot. I’m getting more and more upset over my trauma. The feelings are coming fast and furious. Intrusive thoughts. Anxiety. Panic. I can’t look at baby pictures of my son. Only from 4+ after my late husband was gone. And if I see him in any pictures, it’s worse.

I’m getting worse with RS. I was already dissociating when we’re cuddling. Now it’s more like fear. I have developed a startle response whenever he or my son come at me without warning. That started happening awhile ago. I feel sick to my stomach.

I’ve never dealt with this level of fear and anxiety before. I don’t know why it’s all coming up now. I mean it was ten years ago. This is something I just don’t have experience with, so I don’t know how to handle it at all.

I told my therapist, once. She said I should allow myself to sit with it for 20 minutes and then stop. But I don’t know how to stop.

I’m sorry this is not bipolar related at all.

I went for a ride today – it was nice weather and I enjoyed the time out of the house. I’ve had kind of a overwhelmed feeling lately and it helps calm me.

You may or may not know what I am talking about, but I won’t give any details in fear of promoting it. Occasionally I browse Facebook with my mom. I don’t use Facebook or have friends there but my mom does and there has been an influx of them all joining a social media that supports conspiracy theories and far-right content. It’s known for its antisemitic content as well. It concerns me a lot that some of my family are part of this group trying to promote and be a part of it. I don’t use a lot of social media so it isn’t much of a real concern for me to see or deal with that content, but I guess the problem has existed well before the platform existed. With or without it, these people are going to believe and share what they want. I guess it’s just a bit scary for me to think people willingly subject themselves to these ideals.

I know it’s really in the grand scheme of things nothing at all to care about – but it’s the underlying things that scare me. Politics are polemic and can be argued, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Giving a platform for support of hate just seems to contradict the values of human decency and social mores. Misinformation and disinformation is already an issue in itself, and on top of that now we are going to have a platform with growing popularity to demonize entire ethnicities, religions and countries. I’m just sad to see this is still who we are as a nation.

I am sorry for bringing up this topic here, but I do feel it is a major factor in my mental health and has a place to be said here for that reason – let’s not argue politics, I’ve seen enough of that everywhere else and even here. I thought decency and core values were universal but I am seeing there just as divisive and everything else. It’s the epitome of my disillusionment of the fabric of society.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m not doing so hot. I’m getting more and more upset over my trauma. The feelings are coming fast and furious. Intrusive thoughts. Anxiety. Panic. I can’t look at baby pictures of my son. Only from 4+ after my late husband was gone. And if I see him in any pictures, it’s worse.

I’m getting worse with RS. I was already dissociating when we’re cuddling. Now it’s more like fear. I have developed a startle response whenever he or my son come at me without warning. That started happening awhile ago. I feel sick to my stomach.

I’ve never dealt with this level of fear and anxiety before. I don’t know why it’s all coming up now. I mean it was ten years ago. This is something I just don’t have experience with, so I don’t know how to handle it at all.

I told my therapist, once. She said I should allow myself to sit with it for 20 minutes and then stop. But I don’t know how to stop.

I’m sorry this is not bipolar related at all.

Sounds a lot like ptsd. It can surface years after the fact. When a part of you truly feel safe enough to feel the feelings

[Daonnachd]

There's a lot going on for so many of us. I hope the evening allows us to rest and renew.

I'm home from my ECT now. Wow, my head hurts.

I'm doing well. I think i'm getting a small boost in mood. Not enough to call it hypomania yet. But in the last seven days i've bargain grocery shopped and cooked three times. Yesterday i made grilled cheese sandwiches! Today, pancakes! I realize it's simple foods but since i almost never cook, it's great excitement for me. I've been using proper dishes, washing them promptly, drying them and putting them away. I use disposable when i'm depressed, which is most of the time. I'd like to believe that i've turned over a new leaf with the cooking but in my heart i know it's just temporary. My Winter depression is on the way, no doubt. But i will do the best i can for as long as i can!

@Jennifer 1967: Wow, you're really dealing with a lot. You have a lot of responsibilities on top of having bipolar. Your mom setting the fire worries me. Is it time to think of some sort of care home for her? Sending good thoughts your way.

Hugs to all who suffer!

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I'm doing well. I think i'm getting a small boost in mood. Not enough to call it hypomania yet. But in the last seven days i've bargain grocery shopped and cooked three times. Yesterday i made grilled cheese sandwiches! Today, pancakes! I realize it's simple foods but since i almost never cook, it's great excitement for me. I've been using proper dishes, washing them promptly, drying them and putting them away. I use disposable when i'm depressed, which is most of the time. I'd like to believe that i've turned over a new leaf with the cooking but in my heart i know it's just temporary. My Winter depression is on the way, no doubt. But i will do the best i can for as long as i can!

I'm glad you're doing well. That's a great accomplishment! I hope this good mood lasts

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

....

I'm so sorry, wfc. I also have a startle response from past trauma. Sometimes people think it's funny, but it isn't at all.

Be good to yourself, especially at this time

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

I went for a ride today – it was nice weather and I enjoyed the time out of the house. I’ve had kind of a overwhelmed feeling lately and it helps calm me.

You may or may not know what I am talking about, but I won’t give any details in fear of promoting it. Occasionally I browse Facebook with my mom. I don’t use Facebook or have friends there but my mom does and there has been an influx of them all joining a social media that supports conspiracy theories and far-right content. It’s known for its antisemitic content as well. It concerns me a lot that some of my family are part of this group trying to promote and be a part of it. I don’t use a lot of social media so it isn’t much of a real concern for me to see or deal with that content, but I guess the problem has existed well before the platform existed. With or without it, these people are going to believe and share what they want. I guess it’s just a bit scary for me to think people willingly subject themselves to these ideals.

I know it’s really in the grand scheme of things nothing at all to care about – but it’s the underlying things that scare me. Politics are polemic and can be argued, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Giving a platform for support of hate just seems to contradict the values of human decency and social mores. Misinformation and disinformation is already an issue in itself, and on top of that now we are going to have a platform with growing popularity to demonize entire ethnicities, religions and countries. I’m just sad to see this is still who we are as a nation.

I am sorry for bringing up this topic here, but I do feel it is a major factor in my mental health and has a place to be said here for that reason – let’s not argue politics, I’ve seen enough of that everywhere else and even here. I thought decency and core values were universal but I am seeing there just as divisive and everything else. It’s the epitome of my disillusionment of the fabric of society.

That sounds absolutely horrible. Take heart, though. The dark underbelly of this nation had to be seen so we know what we're dealing with. Now we can start to unify and move forward. I've seen it happen in my lifetime. It will happen again.

[daladico]

Feeling really sad, low energy and motivation, all I want to do is stay in bed past several days. Increased sleep.

Last week had a mild up (super productive for 4 days, increased energy, decreased sleep), then a crash with feeling crazy exhausted, then feeling depressed.

Just messaged pdoc to see if we can go up a bit on mood stabilizer.

Trying to be kind to myself

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by daladico

Feeling really sad, low energy and motivation, all I want to do is stay in bed past several days. Increased sleep.

Last week had a mild up (super productive for 4 days, increased energy, decreased sleep), then a crash with feeling crazy exhausted, then feeling depressed.

Just messaged pdoc to see if we can go up a bit on mood stabilizer.

Trying to be kind to myself

I hope the mood stabilizer does the trick.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m super angry right now for no reason. In a lot of pain. Having trouble just ****ing walking. I think I’m done.

Nah, you're not done!

[MuddyBoots]

On the low side. Want to use.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

On the low side. Want to use.

Can you come up with a few reasons you don't want to use?

[Mountaindewed]

I saw the gynecologist and of course it was super awkward. She says I probably have a yeast infection and then she found an ulcer and she took a couple samples of it which hurt like hell. So now I’m at home just trying to deal with the physical pain and also the uncomfortableness of going to the doctor in general. My mom said on the way to the car “I am so glad you know your body and you know when something isn’t right.” But I have therapy in a couple hours so hopefully my pain is better by then.

EDIT: The doctor called 10 minutes ago and said she was looking through my charts and asked if I ever had an actual exam and said I should have one even though I’m transitioning. And she also said if I haven’t gotten my period in 6 months I should also have an ultrasound. And if the ultrasound shows thickening of my uterus they may be able to approve a hysterectomy.

So that’s good news. I’m going to set the exam and ultrasound up for December.