Haven't checked on in awhile. Doing quite badly. A profound sense of relief over the election has been the only bright spot. My life feels like it has no real purpose, I'm feeling profoundly lonely and have been constantly on the verge of crying (for who knows why) -- that part for days now. Work has been... challenging. I feel so stupid when I make mistakes. I positively sobbed at the end of the day yesterday as soon as my coworker was out the door, through 3 bus rides, then continuing at home. Ugh. I had been kind of playing with fire letting a toxic ex back into my life and he abruptly and without reason picked a fight, and apparently broke it off. By text. (11 year relationship) It's his loss, really. It *is* dodging a bullet, but it was bizarre and rather disorienting. Maybe I can find something healthier (though I don't hold out much hope).

I got a new referral for psych (they don't keep you in it, which I find weird).

Anyhow, sorry to be a drag.

Hugs to all who are struggling.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Haven't checked on in awhile. Doing quite badly. A profound sense of relief over the election has been the only bright spot. My life feels like it has no real purpose, I'm feeling profoundly lonely and have been constantly on the verge of crying (for who knows why) -- that part for days now. Work has been... challenging. I feel so stupid when I make mistakes. I positively sobbed at the end of the day yesterday as soon as my coworker was out the door, through 3 bus rides, then continuing at home. Ugh. I had been kind of playing with fire letting a toxic ex back into my life and he abruptly and without reason picked a fight, and apparently broke it off. By text. (11 year relationship) It's his loss, really. It *is* dodging a bullet, but it was bizarre and rather disorienting. Maybe I can find something healthier (though I don't hold out much hope).

I got a new referral for psych (they don't keep you in it, which I find weird). I, too, am tremendously relieved about the election. I've also had feelings of purposelessness lately.

Anyhow, sorry to be a drag.

Hugs to all who are struggling.

It's good to see you, Innerzone.


I'm immensely relieved about the election, too. I've also been feeling a sense of purposelessness lately, with a good dash of depression tossed in. I do think it has something to do with the time of year. I believe that the mammal in us wants to hibernate for a stretch.

I'm sending you big hugs

[Maerlyn138]

It's bad today. Weird and twisted dreams last night. Just want to sleep, but the dreams end up being convoluted and menacing. Crying a lot. It's always going to be this way isn't it? Storms in my brain. Listened to "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen. I feel alone with no purpose other then to wake up, do stuff, and go back to bed. I'm 48 and I'm stuck with this illness forever before and forever after. I feel like I contaminate the people around me with my sadness.
I feel a little better. Thank you if you read this.

[Moose72]

UPDATE: My sister got G's appointment moved up to tomorrow not Thursday- she called crying to the people on the phone at the psych office about the whole thing. Apparently he is with an adult who is working on her PhD in psychology that's also a nurse and she said she will definitely take him to the ER if he gets any worse, but that he's oriented right now. He's not suicidal. He's been crying. The office wants to see him like he is, so they are reticent to prescribe anything for sleep, but Ambien was mentioned. I commented that Ambien is known for sleep walking and sleep eating and other weird things. They'd rather have the people that see him tomorrow prescribe something like that. There is a question as to whether he has slept yet- if he has, it wasn't long. This has been going on for a week and i don't think he's slept in that long, honestly. My sister thanked me for being her sister and for helping her get through this. And I am glad you all are here to give a distanced perspective! EDIT: He is has also started a lot of projects and hasn't finished any of them. He has figured out very important things.

Thanks, everybody, for your imput!

[bpcyclist]

I no longer believe my brain is capable of finding the middle way. I have concluded I will basically need a chaperone with me at all times. I simply am unable to maintain anything like stability anymore. Might as well be honest. I guess. Oh well.

[dsmith]

“A profound sense of relief over the election has been the only bright spot”

I hear you; I was so happy when I heard that the horrible psychopath in office is on his way out. However, the past week has been more frustrating as he refuses to leave / concede.
Sorry about the other issues you’ve been having. If it helps, I can definitely relate in a lot of ways. I feel so stupid when I make mistakes as well. Any small variation in my work setup and I feel completely discombobulated. I should be more adaptable. That is my goal right now. Can't get so bogged down and tied tightly to one configuration.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Moose72

UPDATE: My sister got G's appointment moved up to tomorrow not Thursday- she called crying to the people on the phone at the psych office about the whole thing. Apparently he is with an adult who is working on her PhD in psychology that's also a nurse and she said she will definitely take him to the ER if he gets any worse, but that he's oriented right now. He's not suicidal. He's been crying. The office wants to see him like he is, so they are reticent to prescribe anything for sleep, but Ambien was mentioned. I commented that Ambien is known for sleep walking and sleep eating and other weird things. They'd rather have the people that see him tomorrow prescribe something like that. There is a question as to whether he has slept yet- if he has, it wasn't long. This has been going on for a week and i don't think he's slept in that long, honestly. My sister thanked me for being her sister and for helping her get through this. And I am glad you all are here to give a distanced perspective! EDIT: He is has also started a lot of projects and hasn't finished any of them. He has figured out very important things.

Thanks, everybody, for your imput!

Thank goodness she got him in for an appointment sooner! I am glad to hear that and hope they are able to get him stable.

[daladico]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I no longer believe my brain is capable of finding the middle way. I have concluded I will basically need a chaperone with me at all times. I simply am unable to maintain anything like stability anymore. Might as well be honest. I guess. Oh well.

Big hugs bpc.
That sounds like such a hard place to be.
Praying you find more stability soon.
You are amazing ✨

[Sunflower123]

I did get a new prescription yesterday. Now I need to get the eyeglass store to make them correctly. Going there tomorrow.

Still majorly stressed but I have a plan to handle it and I’m going to work it. I’m being kind to myself as Beth recommended.

My family is getting together for Thanksgiving while wearing masks and social distancing. I’m really looking forward to it as my nephew leaves December 8th for boot camp. It will be good seeing everyone.

My mood is good. I may miss SAD all together. Yay!

Hugs to all.

[*Beth*]

A rainy day! What a blessing from the universe! We are so desperate for rain in this part of the world.

I've been struggling with some depression. Not nearly as severe as I usually get at this time of year. Just "bouts" and a generally pessimistic and fearful mood. I have an appt. with my pdoc on Thursday, but I really don't know what she'll suggest. I don't see any outstanding options. She keeps insisting that I use the light box. I have tried it so many times and it's useless - worse than useless; it gives me a headache. I don't know what to tell her anymore about that effing light box.

[Moose72]

Thinking I really do have schizoaffective disorder (The SZA board is slow so I'm staying here.)

[Victoria'smom]

mouse72 I have SzA too and I stick around here.

[Blue_Bird]

I also have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I hang around here sometimes and in the Schizophrenia forum mostly.

[Blue_Bird]

Had a dentist appointment today. It went well, considering I didn't take klonopin beforehand. It was my last couple of fillings I needed to get done, it's been a long series of appointments but todays was the last one and I only have to go back every 6 months now for cleanings/checkups. Glad that's all taken care of finally.

I bought a new shower curtain today, here it is in the attached picture. I hadn't had a shower curtain before that, I only had the liner, so it looks a lot better now I bought a tablecloth too, just a plain red one. Trying to make my apartment look more like a home.

Todays the second day without a panic attack, I'm thankful for that. Tomorrow I see my friend which will be nice.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had a dentist appointment today. It went well, considering I didn't take klonopin beforehand. It was my last couple of fillings I needed to get done, it's been a long series of appointments but todays was the last one and I only have to go back every 6 months now for cleanings/checkups. Glad that's all taken care of finally.

I bought a new shower curtain today, here it is in the attached picture. I hadn't had a shower curtain before that, I only had the liner, so it looks a lot better now I bought a tablecloth too, just a plain red one. Trying to make my apartment look more like a home.

Todays the second day without a panic attack, I'm thankful for that. Tomorrow I see my friend which will be nice.

What a cute shower curtain! I have a thing for shower curtains. They can really make a difference in a home environment.

Recently I fixed up my apartment, too. I have a little round bistro table that I use for my kitchen table. I bought a bright red tablecloth for it and I love it!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I no longer believe my brain is capable of finding the middle way. I have concluded I will basically need a chaperone with me at all times. I simply am unable to maintain anything like stability anymore. Might as well be honest. I guess. Oh well.

Bpcyclist, dear man, have you called your psychiatrist and therapist? The start of better stability relies on this. What is stopping you? We know stability is in your future. Pick up the phone and call them. Or if you feel too much at risk, please call 911 or go to the ER.

We care about you!

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’m new to this forum. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder this year and I’m 42 years old. It was a complete shock to me and I didn’t believe it until I faced the depression side. I’m still depressed and I’m on month 5. I fight everyday to make it through. I’m a mom of a 21 year old and a 2 year old. Plus I’m a high school teacher. I feel like I’m faking it everyday since I have zero motivation. I get very little sleep sometimes no sleep at all since July. I’ve been taking different sleep pills from seroquel to doxipine to trazadone and now Lunesta. I’m also on lithium and tried Abilify to help with the depression but it didn’t work. They increased my lithium to 900mg and I think I feel slightly better but still not myself. Dr wants me to start Latuda but honestly I just want to see if the lithium kicks in first before I start adding more meds. Some days I feel like complete crap and others I feel better than crap... I just want to be me again... the only light in my day is holding onto my 2 year old and playing with her... but I feel so terrible on the inside like I am failing her as a mom... she doesn’t deserve to have a parent that has this illness... I wonder if I will ever feel like I can be a good mom again. I just think it’s so unfair to have this... it’s just still so new to me. I really just need other people to talk to that are going through this. I do have my mom who also has it and one cousin... but i feel like I already talk so much to them and I don’t want them to know how sad I feel at times. I feel like I’m bringing them down. Btw my mom has never taken medication longer than maybe a couple of weeks. She’s cycled several times in her life but always pushes through without it because she says meds don’t work for her. I feel the same way, but I keep taking them because I’m also afraid of going back into a mania even though I’ve only experienced 1 in my life. Thanks for listening this far... also are there any other teachers? I feel like this is now the hardest job in my life when it used to be the best job I’ve ever had!!

Hi Naosky. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you have Bipolar and are not sleeping. Not sleeping is actually a sign of mania. Does your prescriber know you are not sleeping. Telling them how you are doing in life is important to keeping stable. Sometimes pills taken in the evening can help promote sleep. Talk to your doc about that.

If you want to try over the counter things, I find peppermint tea made 3-4 times stronger than normal very relaxing. People I know use Melatonin which emulates the normal chemical in the brain to help us stay sleeping.

This is a relaxation I use. It says to stay awake through it, but it seems to put me to sleep.

This is a feminine voice

Feel free to reply or send a personal message to me.
@CANDC

[Mountaindewed]

I need to stop seeing my therapist. It’s the only way I can save myself from seriously hurting myself or worse. Things are just getting worse with my risk taking involving medicine and I just need to save myself.

I think without seeing her and reading and dieting and exercising I’d be ok until I move.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi Naosky. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you have Bipolar and are not sleeping. Not sleeping is actually a sign of mania. Does your prescriber know you are not sleeping. Telling them how you are doing in life is important to keeping stable. Sometimes pills taken in the evening can help promote sleep. Talk to your doc about that.

If you want to try over the counter things, I find peppermint tea made 3-4 times stronger than normal very relaxing. People I know use Melatonin which emulates the normal chemical in the brain to help us stay sleeping.

This is a relaxation I use. It says to stay awake through it, but it seems to sleep
Feel free to reply or send a personal message to me.
@CANDC

Thank you Candc for your reply. Yes my dr knows I’m not sleeping. I guess I’m rare that I don’t sleep during depression as well as mania... this is my first time experiencing it. I tried the female voice one last night and it relaxed me. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep without any sleep medication. That’s an improvement. The Lunesta only lets me sleep 3-4 hours so I’d rather sleep on my own if possible. Yes I take my lithium at night too. I’ve tried calling teas and melatonin.... I think the depression has to run its course before my sleep returns. I just didn’t want my body to get used to sleeping pills and then have rebound insomnia when trying to get off of them.... I’ve been making it as much as I possibly can, it’s just so tiring and frustrating. I just want it to end. I want my life back. Thank you for listening and for the calming meditation.

[WildcatVet]

I have to do therapy in order to have regular med checks and talk to the nurse practitioner and psychiatrist. Just found out this morning that I've been bounced to yet another therapist...this will be the 4th one in less than a year. Back to the beginning again. I didn't need this but what can I do? Arrrrgh!

it's been a difficult 24 hours.

1 panic attack, several flashbacks and 2 absences.

ugg. I am feeling quite drained from it all.

today feeling a bit on edge. no real reason, I just am

[bpcyclist]

Losing long posts. Slept 2 hours. Called pdoc and waiting for return call. Thank you all.

[MuddyBoots]

Making some super spicy chili. Figured it’d be good for a cold windy day like today. Went for a drive and a couple towns over (higher elevation) they got snow overnight. Saw a moose crossing the road too. Moose are by far my favorite animal, though I have only seen them a handful of times. Bears are cool too, theyre just more abundant and always want you to share your smores with them!

I’ve been missing my cat that died in August a lot lately. I have two other cats, but they don’t like cuddles or belly rubs.

My arm hurts a lot more than usual after my injection yesterday too. The nurse said I seemed agitated and even more restless/fidgety than usual. She emailed my med provider.

I also accidentally made blueberry cheese.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

Thank you Candc for your reply. Yes my dr knows I’m not sleeping. I guess I’m rare that I don’t sleep during depression as well as mania... this is my first time experiencing it. I tried the female voice one last night and it relaxed me. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep without any sleep medication. That’s an improvement. The Lunesta only lets me sleep 3-4 hours so I’d rather sleep on my own if possible. Yes I take my lithium at night too. I’ve tried calling teas and melatonin.... I think the depression has to run its course before my sleep returns. I just didn’t want my body to get used to sleeping pills and then have rebound insomnia when trying to get off of them.... I’ve been making it as much as I possibly can, it’s just so tiring and frustrating. I just want it to end. I want my life back. Thank you for listening and for the calming meditation.

The first way to start to get your life back is to find and use the proper medications. That's my experience, anyway, and what I've seen with others who have bipolar disorder. I've seen people wreck their lives, thinking they can will away a mental illness. I don't think there's anyone who wants to take meds, but mental illness is a brain disorder.


btw, there are some teachers around here.

[Mountaindewed]

Last night I took cough syrup at 3:30PM, woke up at 9:30. Took a melatonin at 12:30. Took more cough syrup at 2 and then a Xanax at 3. I woke up at 7:30 feeling alright mentally and meh physically. I didn’t like how I was losing control like that over my meds. I did also go off my remeron because of the hunger side effect. I went off it a couple days ago. I haven’t taken my visteril in a couple days either.

But I feel pretty good today overall.