[Soupe du jour]

Just finished doing some miscellaneous stuff around the house. Later we talk to our real estate lawyer again. Hubby and I asked our lawyer to submit a couple changes, and we're now reviewing a couple the future buyer had his lawyer add. So far there's nothing major.

Last week the window/glass people came, but didn't have the window glass for our master bathroom. I also noticed two other window issues, that I assumed would be fixed. Now I wonder if those windows a) were missed, when doing the ordering, b) went bad in the meantime, or c) were paid for but the glass company never ordered. I have some angry paranoia that they short-changed us. Perhaps I'm wrong, but it feels lousy not for it all to be perfect.

I'm unsure when the buyer's mortgage company will send an appraiser. That's a little anxiety-provoking. Then after that is settled, the buyer, of course, gets to have an inspector come. I sure do hope that it goes well for us. We don't want too many hassles or any excuses for the buyer to ask for a lower price. We really need the money from our house sale for the future. In the past, I had sort of assumed that some day (hopefully years from now) my siblings and I would have some kind of inheritance, but it's uncertain it will be that much. I am hoping that I will eventually be able to work again. I think I really want to. Perhaps it wouldn't be a full-time thing, but at least enough to help pay bills so as not to dip into savings that much. We do want to eventually buy a house in Europe. As it stands, to do so we'd need a mortgage again.

[Nammu]

44F feels like 38F I went out in just a sweatshirt and sweats pants. Not really like I was out all that long. Curb side pick up at the library and a dash into the restaurant to pick up my order. It’s a bit nippy tho.

[Mountaindewed]

Today I’m somewhere between denial and small bursts of anger in my head. I’ve been using books to distract myself and they have been doing a pretty good job of keeping any bad thoughts away.

[Daonnachd]

I've finished my ECT composition. It's only the first draft and I'll need to give it time to sit before I jump into editing it, but editing will be needed.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I've finished my ECT composition. It's only the first draft and I'll need to give it time to sit before I jump into editing it, but editing will be needed.

That is so extremely cool! Would there be any way we can read it?

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by BethRags

That is so extremely cool! Would there be any way we can read it?

If I can figure out how to share it as a pdf I think I could manage it. Honestly, it's largely a reiteration of some of the posts I've made here about ECT. Parts may even seem familiar to the community after my conversation with FluffyDinosaur a month or two back.
... But it is a different creature. In the end it comes down to whether or not I can figure out how to post a document. Thank you for your interest. That's encouraging.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

@Moose72, at 67• I'm bundled up in a wool jumper and a knit hat. You're a beast!

lol I probably wouldn't go for a walk in shorts or go out for any amount of time, but just sitting on my balcony with a hot coffee it was nice. Especially now that the sun has gone down.

[*Beth*]

I've been angry for 3 days. Hopefully, I will see my T at 4 if their technology actually works.

[Mountaindewed]

I deleted my therapists emails and her email from my contact. I can’t tell if this was a healthy choice or a bad one. I just can’t deal with her right now plus I want to avoid anything happening that I don’t want. So now I can’t tell if it’s a good choice because I can be dependent on my own, or if it was a bad one because I can now continue my self destructive behaviors and not have to worry about me impulsively blabbing on myself to her.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I deleted my therapists emails and her email from my contact. I can’t tell if this was a healthy choice or a bad one. I just can’t deal with her right now plus I want to avoid anything happening that I don’t want. So now I can’t tell if it’s a good choice because I can be dependent on my own, or if it was a bad one because I can now continue my self destructive behaviors and not have to worry about me impulsively blabbing on myself to her.

I understand wanting to delete her. That said, there are aspects of your behavior lately that are extremely concerning.

Is your T a rotten T, or is it coming from you, or is it a mis-match between the 2 of you?

[Moose72]

All Creatures Great and Small is coming back in a brand new series on January 10, 2021 at 9 p.m. on PBS. I'm looking forward to seeing how it compares to the books , from which it is based, and also how it compares to the 1970's television series.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I deleted my therapists emails and her email from my contact. I can’t tell if this was a healthy choice or a bad one. I just can’t deal with her right now plus I want to avoid anything happening that I don’t want. So now I can’t tell if it’s a good choice because I can be dependent on my own, or if it was a bad one because I can now continue my self destructive behaviors and not have to worry about me impulsively blabbing on myself to her.

Good or bad, it is the choice you have made. Now that you are here, what can you do to avoid self destructive behaviors? Is there a friend or family member you can talk to? Can you plan to check in here on the regular?

That blabbing behavior you mention is potentially you veing verbose, but it also contains the truth of your actions. You need a place to be real and be vulnerable until you get a new therapist. We're here to help if we can.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Moose72

All Creatures Great and Small is coming back in a brand new series on January 10, 2021 at 9 p.m. on PBS. I'm looking forward to seeing how it compares to the books , from which it is based, and also how it compares to the 1970's television series.

I’ll be watching. I’m hoping it’s as good as the 70’s series. That’s still very watchable. Fingers crossed

[Moose72]

Having sharp chest pains. It comes and goes. A bit of a cough. History of blood clots in lungs so in to the ER I go. I bet its nothing, but with my history- blood clots in lungs twice, years apart- they want to see me. I am on Eliquis, which is a blood thinner, so I would think it's not likely and I hate to go in, but better safe than sorry. I'm getting dropped off. I don't trust myself to drive.

I had a grim day but a nice cozy early Winter evening snuggling with my dog watching free TV and making homemade popcorn just like my dad taught me years ago. It's remained one of my favorite foods. I did all the dishes and put them away. Yay Jane!

Last night was our condo AGM. We couldn't meet in person because of COVID so it was on ZOOM. I really enjoyed it! It went so well -- computer technology has come such a long way. I attended in my jammies as owners' cameras were not on. Only 17 of us attended. That's out of 200 units. Not a very good showing. We have a lot of very old people in our building, not good on computers. But there were over 50 proxies so we had quorum. We voted and saw the results right away on a graph. It was fun!

I joined the Facebook page for my favorite musician, Matthew Good, who has bipolar too. I cautiously posted about how much i like his new French song and i got 14 'likes' in two hours! I guess a lot of people feel like i do. Happy to know it!

Hugs to all who struggle! Especially hope that @BethRags gets some relief from her anger...

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I am a mom and a former high school English teacher. I sympathize with everything you have said. I too feel like I fail my son sometimes. Today is his tenth birthday. I was diagnosed shortly after he was born (when I was 25 and he was two). His young life has just been trauma after trauma, a lot of it due to me. When his father died five years ago is when I really doubled down on finding treatment that worked. I knew I had to be better for him now that I was all he had.

My life has turned around significantly; I have been hospital-free for 2.5 years and I am better able to handle my depression now, thanks largely to my wonderful fiancé. I do not have highs anymore thanks to depakote.

As for teaching, I ultimately found it too stressful to continue. I gave it one last shot last September but had to quit a month in. Now I am a one to one aide in a school for students with emotional/behavioral disorders. I love my job because I get to focus on just one child’s needs instead of trying to write lessons, IEPs, teach to standards, etc. I make half of what I made as a teacher but honestly it’s best fit me. It was hard admitting I could no longer handle teaching but hey, it is what it is.

Honestly this year has been a complete **** show for all teachers. Once the pandemic hit everything went to hell for everyone, and teachers got just as much **** as everyone else. Trying to navigate this new world of hybrid, remote, etc is quite difficult. My teacher in my classroom seems on the verge of a nervous breakdown every day, and as far as I know she has no formal diagnoses. Although, to be fair, as far as they know I don’t either

Anyway, I feel you. I hope you will give meds a shot. It can take a long time to define what works for you. I would also highly recommend finding a competent therapist as well to find some coping skills for yourself. There are a lot of different types of therapy as well and like meds, you have to find the type or combination of types that help you.

You’re doing an excellent job taking the first step!

Thank you so much for your response!! Yes my daughter was almost 2 when I had my first manic this spring, end of the school year. I think the pandemic and teaching remotely was my trigger. I keep wishing this pandemic had never happened... I was at the beginning of my depression on her 2nd birthday in July and I felt like I couldn’t do anything for her, I didn’t even buy her a present. Part of my actions during the manic was leaving my husband... so he did the whole party at my moms house. Right now I’m in turmoil trying to decide if I want to continue being married or not. We are trying to make it work to some degree but I can tell his heart isn’t in it all the way and I’m not sure about mine. All I know is I can’t live one day without my daughter. I feel like I will sink into my depression even more... he moved into an apartment and I still have the house but he doesn’t want to go back to the house. Part of my hesitation is the fact that I can’t stand living in apartments and it’s so small. I have so much stuff at the house and I don’t know what to do with it all. I have zero motivation. So I stay with him during the week and go to the house to do laundry on the weekends. It’s the only way I can have my daughter every day. So ya I have that going on plus the stress of teaching. I just don’t see myself working anywhere else, so I’ve been faking it as much as possible and pushing myself to lesson plan and grade and make parent phone calls. It’s the toughest thing ever. I don’t know how long I will last... I just hope the medicine starts working. My dr increased my lithium a week ago and I feel slightly better. I’m just scared to take anything else.

That’s so good that you’ve been hospital free for so long. I was hospitalized when I went through the manic and I never ever want to go back!!

That’s good that you found a job you can do!! I’m hoping that I can too one day.

Thank you for sharing your story too. Your son has an amazing momma!! I think anyone who can battle this disorder and make it through is so freaking amazing and powerful!! Nobody could ever imagine what we have to go through!! My mom has bipolar and she used to frustrate me, I never knew what she was going through.... now that I do I wish I didn’t. It’s not fair. This should never have been created. I’m still in the hard time imagine and accept phase. Ok I’m going to try my best to sleep tonight. Take care!

[Moose72]

I am back from the hospital. It's 4:15 a.m. and I'm eating something before I go to sleep. They said they don't know why I am having chest pains because it's not my heart and it's not blood clots so eh- who knows. I spent the time there watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Hadn't seen that in years. Just getting ready for bed. I hope I don't sleep the day away!

[Polibeth]

Had my ECT treatment yesterday - came home and slept 14 hours. I feel much better.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi everyone. I am doing okay. My psychiatrist thinks I have akathisia from the Zoloft so I am decreasing the dose. I am also a bit too energized from it I think, I am all over the place distracted and I was really in a great mood but now I am just getting irritable. Hopefully lowering the dose will help. I am already on a really low dose, but I am sensitive. I started sleeping normally for awhile, but last night I only slept like four hours again. Maybe exercising will help me relax. My psychiatrist is still not sure if I need to be on a mood stabilizer, but we're going with just lowering the dose for now.

Other than that, I am doing okay. I am really distracted at work so going to have to work this weekend to make up for it and finish a project. I am applying for jobs for when my job ends at the end of December. I am probably moving sometime in January. I think I am ready to move back closer to friends and family. I have been in this state for 4 years, moved here for grad school and then stayed for a job, but I don't have much of a support network here. I am kind of nervous about switching psychiatrists because this one knows me really well and is in the middle of helping me get stable, but I am sure it'll be okay.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I am back from the hospital. It's 4:15 a.m. and I'm eating something before I go to sleep. They said they don't know why I am having chest pains because it's not my heart and it's not blood clots so eh- who knows. I spent the time there watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Hadn't seen that in years. Just getting ready for bed. I hope I don't sleep the day away!

I am grateful you're ok. Thanks for letting us know. Sleep well!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I understand wanting to delete her. That said, there are aspects of your behavior lately that are extremely concerning.

Is your T a rotten T, or is it coming from you, or is it a mis-match between the 2 of you?

I don’t think she’s rotten but I think she has some type of issue perhaps mental health, that causes her to become really negative. Then she doesn’t always control it well in sessions. But I also don’t want to move and have to find a new therapist. There have been 11 people like her in my life. People who have acted (except most of them didn’t have the negativity she did) the same way and talked the same with me. I’ve even emailed them the same way. I’ve moved on just fine from these people. So I know she won’t be the last of these types of people I get really used to. But it’s just hard when she’s always mad at me about my meds or my eating. I’m 40 pounds overweight but I don’t look like it so I think it just confuses her. But she gets mad at me because she thinks I have an eating disorder. She’s just weird but there’s also this feeling of trying to get her to like me.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by fern46

Good or bad, it is the choice you have made. Now that you are here, what can you do to avoid self destructive behaviors? Is there a friend or family member you can talk to? Can you plan to check in here on the regular?

That blabbing behavior you mention is potentially you veing verbose, but it also contains the truth of your actions. You need a place to be real and be vulnerable until you get a new therapist. We're here to help if we can.

I’ve just been using distraction. I don’t see her at all next week so I’m hoping a 2 week break will help.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I've finished my ECT composition. It's only the first draft and I'll need to give it time to sit before I jump into editing it, but editing will be needed.

Very neat! I bet there are a lot of people that would be interested in that. Are you going to try to publish it somewhere? Or is it more for yourself?

[yellow_fleurs]

Mountaindewed I am sorry you are going through a tough time with your therapist. Do you have any other sources of support to reach out to right now? Maybe the short break will help, sometimes I find I just need a bit of distance from any relationship or issue that has me wrapped up in it. Perhaps focus on yourself and self care a little bit? Please do reach out to someone if you are feeling unsafe, though.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I am back from the hospital. It's 4:15 a.m. and I'm eating something before I go to sleep. They said they don't know why I am having chest pains because it's not my heart and it's not blood clots so eh- who knows. I spent the time there watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Hadn't seen that in years. Just getting ready for bed. I hope I don't sleep the day away!

Sorry to hear about the chest pains, but I am glad it's nothing like your heart! Hope it goes away soon for you.