How do you accept it?

I keep feeling sorry for myself. I keep thinking, why me? I think how unfair this disorder is. I really thought my life was beginning, I was so happy and so sure of my decisions. Now that I’m on the down side and acknowledging that I have this illness, I just don’t want to fully accept it. I try not to think, try to pass time playing games or watching tv, anything I can to not think about this illness. I feel like it’s a slow death sentence. I read that people with bipolar have shortened life expectancies by 9-20 years. It’s like a cancer that affects our brains and we have to pump ourselves with pills just to be normal, but what is truly normal? This is my first time going through this so I have no idea what normal will look like for me. I sleep way less, worry more, and have no motivation. I’m only happy when I have my 2 year old and my marriage and living situation is rocky because of decisions I made during the mania. I feel like this should have never happened and I want to go back to what my life used to be like. I feel like I’m living a nightmare. When did you guys finally accept our fate? How long will it take? I’m trying so hard to accept what happened to me, but it’s so difficult. I just want to wake up and someone tell me that I was just in some coma, but I’m ok now, it was just a dream.

Honestly I wish I had answers for you and in fact me.

Been living with this diagnosis for 10 full years and I'm like at the 1st hurdle again.

I am currently going through depression and I'm struggling. I'm a tiny bit suicidal but I'm OK. I think.

I am not medicated then I am then I am not then I am. I go yo yo'ing through this every year. You think I would understand by now.

I have the full whack depression, mania, anxiety, psychosis, ocd etc feels like its never bloody ending

I hope you get there soon, there are some guys on here that can hopefully help you out. I'm not very good at this sorry.

Maybe in time I can help you out. But for now I will keep checking your post to see if I can use the hints or tips I'm hoping you'll get.

Only piece I have to offer.... we are all different and recovery is different for everyone.

I was diagnosed some decades ago and have been on meds since I was in my 20's (I'm now 57). I still have times of great doubt, panic, almost, thinking that I don't have a disorder at all and have been taking meds for absolutely no reason.

But then I stop and remember the times when I wasn't properly medicated and the reality, the truth, hits me all over again: This is real.

I have no spectacular answers. I have learned (finally) to take life day by day. Some days I'm stronger, some days I'm not at all. I keep a routine that suits my mental and physical health.

Something that has been quite helpful for me is watching films or documentaries about bipolar disorder. From those I obtain information and understand that I am not alone in this, not by a long shot.

This forum is a tremendous support. And giving feels as good, or better, than getting.

Therapy is essential, as is being consistent with meds. For me, support groups have always been helpful (before covid).

I think that anyone diagnosed with BD is, to one degree or another, in a slight state of shock. It's a very strange feeling, I think, to be diagnosed with a disorder that is so much a part of the essence of your Self.

So I’m struggling right now so I’m not the best to ask. I wax and wane between accepting and not. I’ve suspected that I’ve had this for about 24 years. Thank-you middle school health class. The first time I was officially dx’d my son was 3 so 15 years ago. I have trouble accepting I can’t work, and without my husband would need assistance to survive. I recently realized I know no one outside my family. I am smart, funny, and ultra kind and forgiving. I don’t think I would be as forgiving without this disorder. My son was raised with acceptance and unconditional love that most people dream of. My therapist says this dr will stabilize me but I have yet to have a long period stable….ever. My son has the knowledge that he will be loved and can’t disappoint us as long as he’s happy and working towards health. Which free’s him up to follow his dreams. I’m working towards being healthy. My life has stabilized even though I still have mood/psychosis issues. I understand H more and he understands me more. So we have a stronger relationship than when we first met. This disorder made us slow our lives down and appreciate the small victories. I can’t have a house, nice car, new things, credit card, cable, or most things others have. I have to live by keeping it simple but what I do have I cherish. I live like the world’s going to crumble any second because for me it can. I don’t know any different and I’m okay with it.

^^^^ THIS ^^^^

@NSky-
Thank you for this raw & real post.

The best advice I’ve gotten from a fellow bipolar friend:
F*cking live it up on the stable days. F*cking make the most of life on those days. Over the past few years, the stable days have been rare for me... but I feel like I may finally be finding my way?

My other favorite advice: in the lows, take care of yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Treat yourself like it’s the flu. Don’t beat yourself up.

Ok one more favorite gem: connect with others who understand. Check in here often. We have some incredible supportive amazing people here <3
Sending you wishes for inner peace <3

Thank you for you for reading and your response!! I’m really hoping for a better day soon so I can live it up, for sure! I’ve been depressed since July and have actually been teaching high school. I had zero belief that I could teach, but somehow I have managed for the last 4 months. It gives me some hope that I can keep my job with this disorder. I’m not 100% hopeful, but so far I’ve made it. I just don’t know what else to do with my life. I’ve been a teacher for 10 years. I never wanted to do anything else. I’m not sure if my marriage will last and my husband told me that he cannot support me if I lose my job... so I fight like hell to keep going despite how I feel. I keep thinking the routine will help me get back to normal, but I really don’t know what normal will feel like.

So even with all of the medication you take, the stable days aren’t there everyday? I thought the medication is supposed to help us but I feel like so many take so much and still don’t feel normal. I only take lithium and don’t want to add anything else. I tried a few things and nothing helped. I know it can take years to figure out the cocktail, but I have so much fear about adding anything else. I feel better knowing I just take one. I also stopped the sleep meds because they stopped working. I sleep the same amount with or without them.

Thank you, I’m trying to be patient with myself. I was mad for awhile because I can’t sleep... but I had to learn to adjust and accept only getting 3-4 hours. I think I may have gotten 5 this week once or twice.

Yes I will check in here often. It has helped knowing I’m not alone in this..... maybe we will live long enough for them to come up with an actual cure!!

That’s so amazing that your marriage got stronger and your husband supports you!! I wish I could say that happened with me. During my mania I kicked my husband out of the house. He got an apartment and now that I’m trying to make it work with him, he won’t move back to the house. Everything changed. He puts himself first now and wants to live in an apartment long term. It’s so complicated. I stay with him during the week, but I still have my house. I’m torn between selling it or staying separated and keeping it. The main reason I want to stay with him is because I can’t stand thinking I won’t have my little girl every day. She’s only 2 and the main reason I wake up each day and do anything. She keeps me moving when I don’t want to.

24 years is a long time and you not accepting it all the way doesn’t make me feel any better but it helps me know that this is just a freaking hard illness to deal with. It takes a lot of support for sure.

It sounds like you have an amazing son too!! I also have a 21 year old daughter. I’m hoping I can give my 2 year old as much love and attention that I was able to give my 21 year old. I feel like I’ve failed her coming down with this, but it brings me hope that I can still be a good mom to her. She’s my world right now.

I wish I could keep things more simple, maybe one day. For now I am still living my life like I did before my diagnosis because I have to, not because I want to. I keep hoping one day I will feel normal....

Embed here and on the checkin thread. There i unlimited love available here. Ask for it and accept it. Hugs.

Wow I see you are in Scotland. I bet it’s beautiful there. I’m in Texas and nothing pretty to look at in the city. My daughter and I just looked at the stars and the moon... only about 3 stars were visible.

Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you are still struggling even after 10 years. Do you have someone you can talk to when you feel suicidal? Have you ever attempted or made a plan? I’ve only been battling with this for 5 months. At least that’s when the depression hit. I didn’t realize I was in a mania or hypomania. Even after I was hospitalized I thought it was a midlife crisis, not bipolar. It wasn’t until I went down that I had to admit I had the illness, but it’s just so hard to accept. I don’t want it. I wish I could give it back. I think the pandemic was my trigger... I wonder if it never happened would I be normal again? Or was it just inevitable... so I don’t know if I will ever feel like accepting this fate... I try not to believe I have it and try hard to live like I don’t but when I have no motivation to get off the couch or cook it clean, I get reminded. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts but I have thought that it would be ok if I died. I hate having that thought because my little girl needs me...

That’s what I’ve seen is that everyone is different. It’s why it’s so hard to figure out which medicine works for each person... i don’t know what will eventually work for me... just trying to take one day at a time...

Right... that’s probably the hard part because it is a part of who we are... it’s part of our personality... if only we could live in the hypomania long term... it’s like a punishment for being happy... I was doing so well and accomplishing so much. I thought I was just happy... I had also been on a diet, was doing keto so I thought keto was giving me energy... it was a slap in the face when I went down. I still think it’s not fair. My mom had 6 kids and I hope my other siblings don’t get this. I also pray my 2 kids don’t get it. I don’t understand how people can accept this and be ok with it. I have a cousin who has learned to, but it’s taken him years.

I might try watching some films and documentaries. I know I saw modern love series and one of them was a woman who had bipolar... it was extreme. I watched it over the summer and thought there was no way I had bipolar.

Thank you for your response... I am taking this one day at a time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daladico @NSky- Thank you for this raw & real post. The best advice I’ve gotten from a fellow bipolar friend: F*cking live it up on the stable days. F*cking make the most of life on those days. Over the past few years, the stable days have been rare for me... but I feel like I may finally be finding my way? My other favorite advice: in the lows, take care of yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Treat yourself like it’s the flu. Don’t beat yourself up. Ok one more favorite gem: connect with others who understand. Check in here often. We have some incredible supportive amazing people here <3 Sending you wishes for inner peace <3

Beautiful post, daladico.

Nao Sky, check out the thread about film suggestions. Look at Soupe du jour's post in which she gives links to a documentary. I watched it last night and found it fascinating.

Do keep in mind that the people in it all seem to have BD1 and some of them, the entertainers, are (I think) just a bit hyperbolic - or perhaps just intense. Nevertheless, it's an excellent doc.

Nevermind, here are the links:
Part 1

Part 2

He got an apartment and now that I’m trying to make it work with him, he won’t move back to the house. Everything changed. He puts himself first now and wants to live in an apartment long term. It’s so complicated.
Can you guys go to marriage counseling? My husband has a therapist and I have a therapist that work together to keep us a strong family unit.
24 years is a long time and you not accepting it all the way doesn’t make me feel any better but it helps me know that this is just a freaking hard illness to deal with. My Dx road have been hard very few drs agree with how to diagnose me. Some drs want me heavily medicated others think it's more personality. A lot have no idea what to do. I'm now on the highest AP and AD I've been on ever. 2.5 meds vs. 5 meds. If the Dx was consistent over the years I think I'd have an easier time excepting it. I still ask my treatment team if they are sure and they say they are. If you have to ask your dr. or therapist. Do you have a therapist?

Hey Naosky,

Awww thank you Scotland is gorgeous. The scenery is just stunning. My city is full of history dating back to like 1300's if not longer. Apparently the legends say William Wallace came to a private school in my city. We will never know lol. I love Loch Lomond though that's stunning was meant to be there st the start of November but the joys of Covid-19 huh.

I have been suicudal for years but always manage to save myself. I have a support team from the local Community Mental Health Team in this team I have a Psychiatrist, Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), Community Support Worker (who is discharging me i think on Friday) and a Peer Support Worker. They all work in the same building and should communicate but don't. Don't even read each other's notes. My Psychiatrist did not know I have been med free since April 2020. Everyone else did who work with me. I have waited over a month for a Depot Injection for Aririprazole to be approved by a board through the local health board NHS. As its being used as both an Mood Stabliser and an Anti-Psychotic. I got the injection on 19th November. So we'll see if this makes a difference in my mood. Being suicidal is really rubbish. I do pay privately to speak to a Therapist. She too knows everything as well I'm honest (eventually).

I'm what they call med non-compliant. But I'm now willing to try anything. The longest I manage on meds is roughly 4-6 months then I'm off them. This time 7 months is the longest I have been off them. I currently have to take 10mg Aririprazole daily for 1 month then I will be oral free and just receiving the depot. I think the depot was 400mg. My CPN made it up and stuck me I was really anxious but I did it.

I would say all your responders are right. Its a journey we are all on and a different journey for each and every single one of us. Even if we have the same diagnosis Bipolar 1 you and I would be massively different.... environmental factors, life factors, genetics, predispositions, health care we receive, experiences of mental health you have had, witnessed and heard of etc etc list is endless

Hope your OK though, and your wee girl is keeping you busy just remember there are people who you can talk to on here ok

Oh man, it can be freaking tough keeping a job through all the lows [and bad highs]. I’m super lucky that I have an amazing boss who knows what I go through and is super supportive. Looking back though, I still have no idea how I managed to keep my job through the past three years. There were many days I thought I would have to resign due to my brain. Shear grit and determination haha.

Just in the past month, I finally gave in and applied for intermittent FMLA and it was approved. Now I wish I had applied sooner. I hope to not use it, but it will make me feel so much less guilty when I have to call off on the worst of the days. Maybe something you could look into?

And yes, “normal” is an interesting concept haha. My entire sense of normal has changed. My new normal however, is much more raw and deep and more covered in gratitude than it ever was before. I’ve grown to be crazy grateful for the days that resemble “normal.”

Meds: man, for me it’s been a journey. Yes- most days over the past 3 years I have not felt stable, despite taking all my meds. Tweaking dose here, changing med there with pdoc every 1-3 months. Thankfully I have an amazing psychiatrist. My biggest recommendation: speak up for your needs. If you aren’t feeling right, tell them. If a med isn’t working right, tell them. You are your biggest advocate.

I used to feel like you and only want one med (if any). I now know that isn’t feasible for me personally. Everyone is different though. (I do know people who are pretty stable on just one med.) I’m sensitive to meds and still have a big fear of med changes. But I’m so grateful I gave in and worked with my pdoc to do a total med change this last time, cuz now it is the best I’ve felt in years. [And my job is SO much easier as a result!!] There are sooooo many different med options and combinations and each works slightly differently for each individual... hoping you find the meds that work the best for you my friend <3

Sending you lots of love and good thoughts
💫💕✨

Quote:

Originally Posted by NaoSky That’s so amazing that your marriage got stronger and your husband supports you!! I wish I could say that happened with me. During my mania I kicked my husband out of the house. He got an apartment and now that I’m trying to make it work with him, he won’t move back to the house. Everything changed. He puts himself first now and wants to live in an apartment long term. It’s so complicated. I stay with him during the week, but I still have my house. I’m torn between selling it or staying separated and keeping it. The main reason I want to stay with him is because I can’t stand thinking I won’t have my little girl every day. She’s only 2 and the main reason I wake up each day and do anything. She keeps me moving when I don’t want to. 24 years is a long time and you not accepting it all the way doesn’t make me feel any better but it helps me know that this is just a freaking hard illness to deal with. It takes a lot of support for sure. It sounds like you have an amazing son too!! I also have a 21 year old daughter. I’m hoping I can give my 2 year old as much love and attention that I was able to give my 21 year old. I feel like I’ve failed her coming down with this, but it brings me hope that I can still be a good mom to her. She’s my world right now. I wish I could keep things more simple, maybe one day. For now I am still living my life like I did before my diagnosis because I have to, not because I want to. I keep hoping one day I will feel normal....

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. About 12 years ago, between my BD and his OCD/hoarding we decided to live separately. He lives in the house he and his sister inherited from his parents (he lives there alone). I live in my nice, tidy little apartment with my cats.

Husband and I live exactly 1 mile apart. Yes, it is far from ideal. But we remain best friends and our relationship works so well this way. It works for us and I think it's takes a burden off our (adult) children.

BUT, having a toddler puts a very different spin on things. I feel for you.

Love this Beth 💛💛💛

I try to live as normally as possible. I try not to let my mental illness hinder me. I take my meds, i make goals, and i achieve them.

I have come to realize that because of and as a result of my illness that i experience guilt more than i should. The illness doesn't need to define the conversation. Hope this helps.

That’s cool that you guys have decided on the arrangement yet y’all are still together. I don’t think my husband would go for the separate living arrangements and even if he did we would have to trade our child back and forth and that’s what I want to avoid. I’m sacrificing my need to live apart so that I can have my daughter everyday. I had originally filed for divorce during my mania and I was totally fine with raising our daughter separately and doing the whole trading back and forth with her BUT when the depression hit, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I ended the divorce and convinced my husband that I was still in love with him and it was the mania that made me do it. But honestly I don’t know!! I have no idea if I would have left him eventually... I don’t know how much I really love him, especially during this depression I don’t have a lot of feelings, only for my baby... I love her so much. She’s my heart and I can’t be away from her for very long. I care about my husband, but he’s just not affectionate with me... he says he loves me, but it’s not the love I would really want to have.... and now with this illness I’m sure many people would have a hard time accepting me. I’d probably end up single for the rest of my life if I don’t stay with him. Not that it’s a bad thing, but not something I ever wanted. I’m just so confused about our relationship or where it’s headed.... so I keep the house just in case. He thinks I love “stuff” more than I love him because I’m holding onto it.... but I don’t know what to do with everything should I sell the house and right now I struggle just to go to the grocery store!! So I keep putting off making a decision. Decisions are so hard right now!!!

When I was going through the mania he agreed to go to counseling but said I had to go first... then I ended up in the hospital and filed for divorce. Now that I’m depressed I’m scared to ask him anything. I don’t think he will go. I also tried to look into marriage counseling and couldn’t find anything that our insurance would pay for... but I’m sure there is something. Maybe if I decide to move in all the way with him and sell the house maybe he would go if I asked him.

I did have a therapist but I felt like I told her everything and there wasn’t much else I could say or she could reply with. She helped me get to the point where I got on meds, but beyond that I felt like there wasn’t more she could do so I stopped seeing her. Now I just talk to my family when I’m feeling down and it’s about the same I was getting for the therapist and it’s free. Ya that’s rough that they didn’t all agree! It’s so hard to find the right combo of meds and it still sounds like many people on this forum haven’t quite found the perfect combination!!

That’s what I have in me right now is determination! I don’t want this illness to take me down. I don’t want to lose my job. I’m on my 10th year, the longest job I’ve ever had and it was always the most rewarding. I planned on retiring as a teacher!! I just don’t know if anyone with bipolar that has lasted. Maybe I will be that rare teacher that does. I’m also hoping I can go years without an episode like my mom. She’s gone more than 7 years between them and she doesn’t take any medication!!

It’s probably one of the reasons I don’t want to be super medicated. I know my mom has managed so I want to also. Are meds supposed to bring back your interests and desires or does that just eventually come back? I don’t feel as down as when it first hit but again I don’t know if that’s just because I’ve learned to get used to the depression or if it’s the medicine. I’ve already tried a few kinds of extra meds and nothing helped. I just don’t want to be a guinea pig if I’m still going to feel the same and I need it to run its course.

I loved the move Braveheart!! That’s so awesome!!

How’s the depot injection working? I feel like meds don’t do anything for me, but I’ve only been taking them for about 5 months. My mom always got off of them after she tried taking them. She’s cycled several times but only hospitalized once. She’s learned to tone it down when she’s manic so it’s hard to tell sometimes. We just suspect when she starts spending a lot of money. She goes through bad depressions but mange’s to get out of them over time. She’s actually in one right now. She thinks she went through the mania right before I did. So we are both going through this depression together. She also watches my daughter while I work. My little one is the best medicine for both of us.

Yes I’m bipolar 1... it’s crazy how it can be different for everyone. I don’t know where my journey will be but I’m glad I found this forum. It’s good to find people who understand what it’s like.

Im doing ok... hopefully one day I can say I’m great... but my daughter is my light and she helps me feel better than just ok when she’s near me.

Thank you. It’s been nice so far and grateful for all of the responses I get!

it’s about the same I was getting for the therapist You may need to find a different therapist. They're suppose to give you ideas on prevention and management. For me they're the ones (here too) that tell me when my meds or thinking is off. Their notes help the psychiatrist prescribe the right medication and dose. For me at least it's like an extra Dr. appointment. Yes she helps me sift through my feelings, keeps me on the path to recovery and acceptance but for me her main goal is to catch things, advocate for me and keep me out of the hospital. (only have been there 2x)

Things about minimal medication: You do not deserve to go through symptoms you don't have to. You may (and they may) not know how truly your symptoms are effecting you. My H goes to my appointments with me it's amazing what I don't realize, or he doesn't realize and how different a picture we paint for my dr. and what we don't pick up on that the Dr. does.

I'll give you an example (PC friends will smile.) :
Up until 6 years ago I was venamly against taking an antipsychotic. Yes I had crisis but nothing I (we) couldn't handle between appointments. I went on a trip no one IRL knew I was paranoid. I didn't even recognize it as such. Someone here reminded me to take my sleeping medication (at the time a low dose AP) every night instead of as needed. when I got home I told my Dr. I was taking it every night (Just that some stuff happened and I was taking it every night. nothing in detail) So she put me on something until I could see my new pdoc. Well intake got out of me that I was actually paranode and ruined the trip because of it. I didn't even know. Then they went through my history and we found other times when I was like that. So my Pdoc upped the med. All of a sudden my "migraine" that I've had since a child went away and my inter voice went away. My point is I didn't know so I didn't report it.. Does your Dr know you've had no relief? Our rule is If it's been six weeks on the same medication and I'm still not back to feeling 100% I'm suppose to call. You may want to call.