Work... fake it till you make it?

What do you do for work? Do people know you have a mental illness? How do you manage to get through each day? How many jobs have you had? Have you ever lost a job because of this illness?

I’m a high school teacher. I was diagnosed at the end of last school year but didn’t believe it till the summer. I was able to function and keep teaching during the mania and hypomania... and for this semester so far since August, I’ve been teaching while depressed and with insomnia. I basically fake like I’m ok and I make it through each day. I force myself to get things done even though I don’t have any interest in my job anymore. It’s sad because I’ve always loved teaching. This is my 10th year. I always planned on retiring as a teacher. Now I just hope to get through one day at a time. I am proud of myself for making it this long, but still worried about how long I can continue. I don’t know what other job I could possibly do. I don’t know if I’d be happy doing anything else and I definitely don’t think I could make as much money if I tried to find something else. Nobody can take care of me if I quit, so I keep going. I’m hoping one day I will be stable enough and my love for teaching will return.

I was an at-home mom while my kids were growing up. When they were at a more independent age I work p/t with at-risk youth. I loved that job and managed it well for 2 years. Once my kids were grown, I worked p/t in a funky little cafe. I worked there for 15 years. It was a really special place. I could never handle more than part-time, mostly because of fatigue from meds. No one knew I have BD. That was another reason I worked only part-time. If I had worked full-time I wouldn't have been able to "hide."

I did my best to hide it for years, and sort of succeeded because I make my own hours, work from home, and do long-term projects. That way I was able to balance the good and bad times enough to make it seem like I was doing well "on average." Nobody knew that there were weeks or even months when I didn't do any actual work, because in the rest of the time I did enough to compensate. The end result was all that mattered.

Unfortunately, I've been doing very badly now for over a year, and I was getting increasingly unstable for years even before this. At this point I can't hide it anymore, even with all the flexibility I have, and I've had to go on medical leave, which I just hate so much. I feel absolutely worthless. Also, now they know that there's something going on. They don't know exactly what but they know that it's something related to mental illness and that I'm trying to get treatment soon, and hopefully after that I can go back and try to start functioning again. My employer is being pretty understanding but I'm still worried that that's just on the surface.

In my teens I had a few jobs where I had to be on-site and perform to standard every day, like one of my first jobs in a convenience store. I learned very quickly that I can't do that. I don't think I could keep any job except the ones where they give me enough freedom to try to average out my performance over time.

i have Never worked. i was able to get through my school Years Fine enough, but with university right now i feel like i can't handle anything at all despite my struggles being absolutely ridiculous compared to many others, especially on this forum. i am so Sorry for EveryOne who struggled at work or with other things because of their mental illnesses! SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to ALL of You, Your Families, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Hi NaoSky. Just do your best and doing one's best varies. Sometimes the bare minimum is absolutely fine. Sometimes we can barely do anything at all, and that's OK, too.

Do you have some holiday break coming up? If so, perhaps try to think of it not so much as a "long time from now", but reframe it in your mind as a short one. It's possible that after a break things will be better. Though I don't know how it works in your teaching job, I do recall that the days leading up to the holidays can sometimes be a little easier. I hope that's the case for you.

I have been on Social Security disability, for bipolar disorder, for about nine years now. Just before, I was a manager in the marketing department of a very large language instruction company's ESL (English as a Second Language) instruction division. I had worked there for almost 10 years before they terminated me. They did so not because of my performance, but because I had been out on private disability for so long that they could no longer hold my position. I give them credit for doing so for much of three and a half years, when I was in and out of the psych hospital and intensive outpatient programs 10 times. Many there knew I had a mental illness. At the beginning of the mentioned last three and a half years, my manic behavior became so severe that six fellow employees reported it to the Human Resources department. That brought about my first psych hospitalization, and acceptance of my bipolar disorder. I had actually been diagnosed manic depressive a year before, but didn't accept it. Towards the end of those particularly rough years, I had "an incident" at work. Let's say that many people who might not have yet known I had a mental illness, became immediately enlightened.

Before the job above, I worked for a major healthcare product company, in their Communications department. That was my first major job. I left there for the position above, that better utilized my background in East Asia studies. Before this job, I was studying Chinese in Taiwan, teaching ESL to pay bills, and/or working temporary jobs, in between. I left the ESL job and Chinese school prematurely, because of mood episodes. My boss at the ESL school had to take me to the hospital in Taiwan because I was basically paralyzed by depression. [I only very vaguely remember going.] The doctor there must have given me an antidepressant, which soon after made me manic. I quit the job and started traveling around Asia, by myself -- then a 24 year old woman. I returned to the US after being pickpocketed on an island in Thailand, and after some very disinhibited/wild behavior.

I had had depressive, hypomanic, and even manic episodes probably as far back as 15/16 years old. They did affect my life in various ways, but I have always managed to make the best of situations, at least eventually. It's highly possible that I will experience future severe episodes. When I do, I'll be sure to receive help. I will then heal, and work to move forward. I hope to have a job again, someday. I'm not sure if it will ever reach full-time, but likely part-time. Who knows. In any case, this is my life and I'm going to live it the best I can (ups, downs, and arounds). Life is a journey, for sure.

Pretty sure I’ve been faking it til I make it my whole life! Haha.

The first couple years of my diagnosis I had extreme anxiety that work would find out and I’d lose my job.

When I switched departments a couple years ago, I told my boss & coworkers upfront that I have bipolar, and it has been soooo much better. I think I work with an exceptionally understanding and supportive group of people however, so that makes a difference.

I’ve always struggled significantly internally with work and school, but have always been “successful.” Much of the time I feel like I’m barely making it through though.

You are not alone my friend.

I will try to write more soon <3

I used to be a ride operator for about five years during summers. Fun stuff. Impulsively quit during a manic episode in August... (gave my 2 weeks like a good girl, but didn’t show up those two weeks...) They knew I was mentally ill about the third year in when there was an incident with a suicide attempt.
Lost three other jobs to mental health issues too. One was because of drug abuse, one to calling in sick while throwing up from anxiety caused by a mixed episode, one I just stopped showing up because of paranoia. Only job I didn’t lose to some form of mental illness was waitressing, and they closed for business after they hired me but before my first day. None of these jobs knew about my diagnosis.
Also failed most of my college courses because symptoms (both of sza and adhd).

My boss knows, but I don’t think she truly “gets” it? I mean, I don’t have too many issues besides having an often horribly slow work pace (I’ve always worked quite slowly but I hate it). I left nearly 3 hours late today
My previous job was worse. I have high functioning autism and really don’t like forced socialisation - in fairness, my employers are entitled to want care staff who can be chatty and friendly, but I struggled with that. No idea how I lasted over 10 years in that job!

It depends on the job really. For awhile after I was first diagnosed, I couldn't work at all. Then I worked as a probate clerk which despite giving me much needed structure was awful. I was surrounded by death everyday, and the bureaucratic ******** just increased my rage. Eventually, after a series of other jobs, I found my way into academia. As long as I find meaning and intellectual engagement in my work and can maintain a routine, I do ok. That's not to say there aren't rough periods, but work usually helps me cope, lets me disappear into it. I do not discuss my illness with my colleagues. I don't want it to define me, and academia is a weird place full of weird people that isn't always as accepting as you'd hope.

Sounds nice being an at home mom. My husband once told me I could if we moved into an apartment... but now that he lives in one he told me he can’t afford me not working and I had to keep my job. Oh I wish I could be for a few years....
that’s wonderful that you were able to keep a job for 15 years!!

I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling for the past year. We’re you on medication the entire time? If so I hate hearing that happens... I was told “stay on medicine so you don’t relapse” but I also hear about so many people that it doesn’t always help. I have to believe it will get better... it’s what I keep hoping and thinking for myself. I’ve been struggling since July.

I also hope your employer continues to be understanding!! I think my principal knows I have a mental Illness, I was hospitalized at the end of last school year and the FMLA paperwork the hospital filled out said that I could go back if I have another flair up.... plus if she looked up the name of the hospital.... so far they haven’t treated me any different.

You are currently in school at a University? I always wanted to go back to school to get my masters degree and I almost did before I got pregnant, but now I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it...

Thank you so much, that really does help to hear that!! I do the bare minimum most days and it makes me feel bad because I was always the teacher that went above and beyond. I laughed all the time and was sorta funny. I remember being happy all the time. Now I feel like I’m one of those serious teachers without a personality and I have to push myself to even smile, and it’s not that often.
I had off for a week for thanksgiving and then I’ll have off 2 weeks for Christmas. Yes it does help knowing I’ll have another break. I also work from 7:30 to 2:50 and the time goes by quickly. My days alternate with teaching 3 classes one day and 2 classes the next day. The hardest part is preparing the lessons and then grading the work.... plus constantly reminding them to turn in missing work and calling parents. But it does keep my mind occupied and I’m not thinking about BD while I’m working. So far I’ve managed to keep going, so I plan on it as long as I can.

Wow you’ve had some interesting jobs and how cool that you were able to travel around Asia! Not so fun going to a hospital though! What was it like in a hospital in Taiwan?

Wow since you were 15/16? That’s so young!! You have the best attitude though!!! Life is definitely a journey and like Forest said, you never know which one you are gonna get... that’s for sure!! I hope one day I can accept it more. I always wanted to write a book, started a few actually... but never finished one. When I went through mania I thought I could write one in a week. One night I stayed up writing for about 6 hours straight. I was also tweeting my ideas and tweeted about 700 tweets in one week. I thought I was going to be a famous book writer lol.... well maybe now after I accept it more, I can actually write a book on bipolar, a memoir. I know I won’t get rich off of it but at least leave something behind. Plus it might help me heal.

Anyway thank you for sharing, your post gives me hope!

Lol thank you so much!!! It definitely feels good knowing I’m not alone and even though it can be a struggle, I can make it!!

I’ve always battled all kinds of stuff in my life and managed to pull through without a mood disorder, it’s just 10x harder with one!! I will never ever judge anyone ever again for giving up. Life can be a challenge and we never know what someone is going through.

I wish I could tell people at my job, but too many teachers judge and gossip. I only trusted one teacher so far. He works close with me on student council and said he would help in any way that he can. I don’t want to lose sponsoring that club because it takes up one of my class periods where I teach one less class...

That’s so good that your job is so supportive!!! I know it must make a huge difference to have that. I was anxious at first too when I started teaching again and thought people would judge me or I would lose my job. I thought people would be able to tell that I have BD, but I think I’ve been able to hide it for the most part.

I’m so sorry to hear about all of the job losses because of BD!! How old were you when you were diagnosed? We’re you on medication? I do have a fear that I will not ever get stable or that the mania will come back. I’ve only had it for 8 months, so no clue what my life will look like in the future.

10 years is a long time!! I’m hoping I can teach for another 10 years. Wow so you have Autism and BD? How long have you had BD?

That’s so good that you find value and meaning from your job!! I’m really hoping that returns to me because I have always loved my job and I can’t picture myself doing anything else. I’ve only told one person at my job and told him to keep it confidential because I don’t want to face any stigma over this illness.

I've never lost a job, but I have not pursued a career mainly because of BD. I recall symptoms as early as age 4, and vividly by age 9. I was diagnosed at some point in my 20's (I'm 57).


I knew by my high school years that *something* was different about me when it came to emotional intensity. Yes, my home life was extremely (and I do mean extremely) abusive and unsupportive (my mother, a vividly intelligent woman was very mentally ill, among other things that were going on). But I loved high school and had loads of fun during those years. Yet, I knew that I didn't have the stability to pursue a "real" career. My mental state declined more and more until I was finally diagnosed and put on medication (and of course, therapy).

Yes my company knows because I am peer support specialist but working as a direct supporter right now in a staffed residence. To be a peer supporter you have to have two years recovery with your illness. You actually use your experience for your job.

Right now I work pt on weekends and pt time
School for social work.

Also-this faking it is called opposite action in dbt lingo.

Fake it 'till you make it: that sums up my entire career! You should, definitely, be proud that you've made it this far. I suggest that your health is more important than your students. I hope I say this with some insight. My daughter has been teaching for 15 years. You are incredibly dedicated. Yet you must take care of yourself. Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist? I can only sympathize (hugs) and urge you take as good care of yourself as you are of your students. I empathize with what you say. I faked caring for many years.

I work when i can. I had a break my 2nd one in 2016. 2017 got a part time job, lost it. 2018 got another kept it for 2 years. And another part time job in my field of study so I'm really working my brain and hoping to be successful enough to transition to full time. So i can buy a place of my own, and a nice car, and live life.

But a part of me likes the life of leisure, work a little, play a little. I'm on disability so i really am doing alright working and playing. Living in my subsidized apt.

Thank you! It’s what probably keeps me going is knowing that I’ve made it this far, why not? I’ve always been such a positive person my whole life so I’m trying to let that part of me shine back through. I never thought life could feel this rough!! Yes I have a psychiatrist. I did have a counselor but stopped seeing her because I felt like I was just telling her the same things every time and it was a waste of money when I can do that with friends and family. She served her purpose when I needed her.
In the beginning of teaching I faked like I cared because students can be rough!! But after the first year I really did care and learned to love my students!! But now I don’t have that caring emotion... I try, but it’s just not there. I don’t want to be there, so I just keep faking it and so far it’s working for me. I really hope I can retire from teaching one day. I don’t want to give it up just because I have an illness... so I’m working hard at staying. When I’m focused on grading or calling parents, or planning, I get lost in the work and don’t think so much about being sick. So maybe it’s good for me?

I came close to losing a job from it but found another job and got out before it happened. I am laid off now due to COVID. I worked with my last company for nearly 10 yrs. Some people knew. When I was hypo I tended to get loud and at times overly zealous. Big change from my monotone nature. It was not always a disadvantage. When euphoric, I would be top sales and top of my call center numbers for other metrics. If angry, I walked away rather than ruining my reputation. When depressed I would force myself out of bed and go to work. From there I would access whether it was a good plan. Made it through most days. Most problematic was sometimes had trouble staying awake. On flip side anger and anxiety really sucked trying to get through. Honestly nervous about finding a new job and adjusting to it. I don’t know if I want deal all this anymore.

That’s great that you held down a job for 10 years. It sounds like you were able to work around this and be functional for a long time. I’m sorry you lost your job over COVID! I think Covid was one of my triggers for developing this illness.... I’m hoping I can do the same with work... I had always planned on retiring as a teacher and I feel like this disorder has the potential of ruining that for me.... if I stop teaching I pretty much lose my retirement. It takes many years for it to be worth anything.
If I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t. I would stay home and raise my little one then decide what to do after that....