[MaryCat222]

Hey everyone. I have been tracking my own mental health for as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember one of my first panic attacks in the 4th grade, though I now believe I've struggled with this my whole life.

Background:
My family is unsupportive and not close. My father is an alcoholic. My parents were not emotionally supportive or open growing up, and I could never tell them how bad things were. I attempted suicide once at 14 and again at 21. after the second attempt, I began my therapy/medicine journey. It has been an uphill battle since.

Reasons why:
For as long as I can remember, I would wake up and wonder if it was a "good week" or a "bad" one. Good weeks would mean Happy Shannon, can be a good student, great friend, good daughter/niece/etc. I was happy, in a good mood, and could handle a lot. Bad weeks were anger, lots and lots of anger. Crying, easily being set off, unrelenting anxiety and panic attacks. My mother didn't believe in mental health care when I brought up that I wasn't "feeling good" aka kept thinking about dying. So I turned to sex, doing drugs, and self-harm. I've been on many different medication, so many I can't tell you all the names, to no actual relief. I am now on a more consistent prescription cocktail, with some relief, but not enough.

I am currently on;
50 mgs of Paroxetine daily
150 buproprion daily
20 mg Propranolol for panic attacks as needed
10 mg ambien to sleep (currently out, am NOT sleeping)

One moment I feel like I can survive life, the next moment I am Furious or Defeated or just so Sad. Does this resonant with anyone else's experience? No doctor has diagnosed me as bipolar, but I don't think i've not attended one physician long enough to have them see my switches. Suicidal thoughts and Anger (or PANIC) has been what I see "taking turns" in my head. But I'm at a loss.

Thank you for any insights.

[*Beth*]

Hi Shannon, Welcome to the forum.

It's impossible for anyone here to help you with an exact diagnosis, for a number of reasons (we don't know your medical or family history, we aren't medical professionals, etc.).

That said, we can certainly share our own experiences and provide support.

Have you seen a psychiatrist? I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other type of MD to diagnose a mental illness (or not).

What you've described to me sounds like depression...I'm not getting what in my experience describes hypomania or mania. But again, I'm no expert. You may very well have bipolar disorder. It's so important to see a pdoc.

I'm guessing that your parents weren't supportive because they didn't want to face their own issues (such as alcoholism), and who knows why else. It's extremely challenging, and can be so very painful, not to have family support.

[Bipolarchic14]

First l just want to say I am sorry that you’re struggling. Have you looked up the symptoms of a manic episode? Do you think you’ve had that? When you’re having trouble sleeping, do you feel the need for sleep or are you not sleeping because you are preoccupied with other activities and the urge is just not there?

[*Beth*]

Bipolarchic has good ideas. I will add that although I am diagnosed with BD1 I seldom do well with insufficient sleep. Without meds I can't sleep, but I still feel tired and unwell if I don't sleep, in most cases. What I'm trying to say is, not everyone with BD has the "no sleep when manic" issue set in stone.

I'll also mention that so many of the "Do You Have Bipolar Disorder" quizzes online don't cover all of the possible symptoms of BD. For example, mania is most definitely not always all about ecstasy. It can shift around and go into extreme irritability, anger, and rage. But that can also be indicative of depression...which is why a good pdoc's diagnosis is essential.

Also, most of the online quizzes don't provide information about mixed states. For me, mixed states are a major aspect of my BD.

[Gabyunbound]

First of all, welcome to the forum!!

As has been said, we cannot diagnose you.

That said, something stuck out to me, though maybe I've misunderstood how you explained it. It sounds like you bounce from one mood to another with great frequency, whereas Bipolar Disorder has a habit of each episode (depressive hypo/manic) lasting for at least a week. Moods lasting hours to a few days can carry different diagnoses than Bipolar Disorder.

It sounds like you've been keeping track of your moods, but if you don't already, I would suggest you also keep track of how long those moods last. And then bring all of this information to a psychiatrist. He or she may need to get to know you first (I'm very leery of pdocs who diagnose during the course of just one session), but I think that visit would be very important.

As I'm sure you know, it is essential to get the right diagnosis in order to receive the right treatment. If you have Bipolar Disorder and medications targeting this will help, then fantastic. However, if you're dealing with something else, you might be able to skip the sometimes horrible side effects of these meds and, for example, do DBT instead.

Best of luck on your journey and I certainly hope you find the help you need to start feeling much, much better!

[MaryCat222]

Thank you so much for your insights and observations. It's hard to remember things aren't black and white, no matter how many times I try to remind myself! With the unrelenting depression, I guess I'm looking for more to be there? Like it can't "just" be depression, you know? But, this is a good reminder of that is how powerful it is.

I appreciate your comments very much. I just purchased The Highly Sensitive Person Workbook by Dr. Elaine N. Aron to help with cataloging and organizing feelings. I'll follow up on how I like it!

Sending light and warmth

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry to hear about your struggles! Like ALL the other wise members have said better than i could, we can't diagnose people here. Definitely try to visit a doctor or therapist as soon as you can to find out wheter or not you have bipolar or not and Please do keep us updated as we are here to support you so no worries! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MaryCat222, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

A really good resource about BP (especially BP2) is Psych Education It's written by a pdoc who specializes in BP and has vast amounts of information about bipolar (applicable to BP1 and BP2). It's worth looking at.

Welcome to the BP board!