[*Beth*]

5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Go!

[Sunflower123]

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

I could have written the first paragraph of your post. I hope you can get an appointment for your mom very soon.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

I'm sorry your struggling but I so understand how your feeling

Today I was convinced it was Saturday, until I looked at my phone

I cant wait to hear of your floating in the pool each day

[Mountaindewed]

So far I’m doing pretty good. I had an iced latte too and my anxiety is fine. I think not sleeping much and taking my Geodon at 1AM was kinda messing with me. Today I’m not doing too much. I have to move these bookcases down the stairs and somewhere. Don’t know where my mom wants them. The carpet people get here at 8AM tomorrow. I plan on taking a shower at about 6:30AM, maybe getting coffee, and then just reading all day. We are planning on getting a pizza since we won’t be able to cook. I can’t remember the last time I had pizza. My move is coming along but I feel like it’s happening too fast and it’s kinda making me nervous.

[bizi]

I am sorry you are nervous.
you can do this, make it happen. I have faith in you.
bizi

[*Beth*]

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

Thank you for the support, Innerzone. It means a lot to me. I guess in a word, I'm hurt. And I think of all the times I was horribly depressed and anxious, but never said a word to my friend about how I was feeling because I was listening to her, and to her pain. I certainly can't blame her for that; I'm just...confused.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

I can understand being upset over all this. I would feel the same. I cant think of any words to help but I'm sending you lots of hugs

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.

I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.

Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.
I feel foolish and used.

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

Thanks, Soupe. No, I would never beat her down. Actually, what frustrates me far more than her not disclosing her alcohol abuse to me (which I can understand, I'm sure her shame is miserable to live with...and she doesn't realize that with having BD I know all too well about mental illness!)- anyway, what I find so difficult is that so far, she hasn't taken any steps to change/better her situation. For example, she takes care of her elderly mom full-time. It's an enormous job, of course. I've been telling her for years that she needs to apply to be paid for being a home care giver. I did it when I cared for my mom; it's not difficult. But C. drags her feet, than chronically complains about not having any money.

But, I will continue to be supportive of her and gently encourage her to take baby steps in a healthy direction. I just need to step back at this time. She has a tremendous amount of family support, which I do not. So I need to practice my own self care.

[busymomof5]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

Maybe she was self-medicating for her depression and didn’t realize she was an alcoholic. My mom’s best friend recently died suddenly of liver failure secondary to alcoholism. Everyone was shocked. Her friend had gotten a divorce and was lonely and depressed. She secretly self-medicated with alcohol. Even she did not realize she had become an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

[Sunflower123]

Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by busymomof5

Maybe she was self-medicating for her depression and didn’t realize she was an alcoholic. My mom’s best friend recently died suddenly of liver failure secondary to alcoholism. Everyone was shocked. Her friend had gotten a divorce and was lonely and depressed. She secretly self-medicated with alcohol. Even she did not realize she had become an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

Yes, she is self-medicating due to stress, anxiety, and depression. That's why I keep on insisting that she get on an antidepressant and seek therapy. I know that alcoholism is a serious disease, and I have been (am) supportive of her. But I won't hang around for her hostility. That's where I draw the line.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am out of sorts today. I can’t get out of my head. Had another SH dream. Not as violent as the one I had a few weeks ago. I made a half hearted attempt at cleaning the kitchen. I de cluttered it and wiped down the counters and table and that was about it. I had a huge breakfast so I’m likely not going to be hungry until we’ll into there evening. That’s kind of what my days off are like, two large meals instead of three small ones.

I really need to go shopping but it’s just so cold....I don’t want to go back out there. The winter doldrums are setting in for me. It’s around this time that I just can’t deal with it anymore and start to feel hopeless looking forward at the fact that there’s at least two months of this ******** stretching out in front of me. The NJ flower show used to be in mid February and would rejuvenate me with its beautiful displays and smells of spring, but last year they moved it to may even before the shutdown. This year the Philadelphia one isn’t happening. I’ve got nothing.

Sigh. I guess I just have to focus on the house. I am going to send a formal letter to my landlord once we are officially out detailing the original lease. It said that they were required to present a new lease unless they had good cause not to and if they didn’t then it would be assumed to be month to month. I’m going to gently tell him to **** off about the last two months of rent. I calculated the possible damages we may be charged for. It will likely be above the amount of our security deposit but I don’t mind paying that as long as we don’t have to pay 2 months rent on top of that.

[bizi]

Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

bizi

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

bizi

Thank you, bizi. She's never mentioned suicide, just seems to go over and over the same life issues, without any plan for resolution. She has a kind heart. I've always listened to her without any judgment, just love. And I guess that's why I feel kinda screwed over.

She's still in hospital and I'm just not ready to talk with her yet. Her daughter is working with the doctors to get C. into some kind of program. I really hope that once she meets other people who share her illness she feels more connected to herself and her own life path.

[bizi]

thank you for the update
bizi

[*Beth*]

bizi - I want to ask you...do you know where the pilot movie for Lost is? I have Amazon Prime and all the shows are there, but not the pilot.