[Soupe du jour]

Thanks, BethRags and swimmingly!

@swimmingly, of course I remember you and am very happy to see you back here.

[Nammu]

Got mum on a wait list. Her age will put her high on the list but because we live in a small town further from the action might put her lower.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Got mum on a wait list. Her age will put her high on the list but because we live in a small town further from the action might put her lower.

glad that you got her on the list.
bizi

[MuddyBoots]

Nurse was kinda making mountains out of mole hills IMO. She thinks I'm manic. Nah, but she's gonna email my pnurse and therapist. She mentioned hospital. Definitely not even close to that level. But I freakin love her! She said we make a good team and it's true. She's the only one I actually like that I see at the mental health center and she puts needles in me!

[Mountaindewed]

Therapy went well today. I told her I was S last night and I was thinking a lot about the 27 club and how I only have a couple weeks left until I turn 28. She was kinda freaked out by the whole 27 club idea and she asked if she needed to call 911. I said no. Then asked if she would really do that. And she was like yeah I would. Then I told her about another therapist I had from the same clinic who I went through a lot of stuff with and she called 911 on me before. I told her that I’ve seen it and I know what it’s like to have the cops called on you. But we figured out a safety plan. She asked me if I was safe and I said “yeah I just need a Xanax and to eat something.” I don’t know if she’s that worried but she seemed to be. I mentioned taking cough syrup a couple weeks ago and how my mom wanted to call 911 but I told my mom I was fine. She was just like “next time call 911.” We talked about the hysterectomy and how my gynecologist won’t do it for ethical reasons and how it’s difficult for someone my age to get it done without medical issues. She asked about the therapist I found and I told her her name and she looked her up and said “yeah she’d be great for you.” We did talk about my secret and I told her how I think it’s just my response to stress because I can just get into my space at night and these things helps me deal with my negative thoughts. She said it’s not a big deal and since these things are calming then it’s good.” I told her I had a lot of stuff and I didn’t want to have to move a lot of things. she asked if I were in charge of moving my own things and I said “yeah”. She said if my mom were to find out my mom would probably think it wasn’t a big deal and she wouldn’t kick me out of the house or anything. I mentioned that I felt like I had dependent personality disorder because I get clingy with people and she was like the 13th person I’ve met who I felt and acted the same with. Then I moved on easily to the next person. She looked almost sad for some reason. Like I was telling her she was easily replaceable or something. I explained that emailing people is nothing new and that I’ve been doing it since 5th grade and that’s just how I communicate. She still had that sad look and said the emails were a safety issue. I wasn’t even talking about being able to email her again. I was talking more about being dependent on people. But yeah today went good. I told her about using the men’s room for the first time. She seemed impressed and asked how it went. She told me to watch what I read since a lot of what I read promotes bad behavior.

If sessions continue like this where she doesn’t freak out about the stuff I tell her that happened during the week or if she doesn’t push me to the point of anger I can manage with her until I move. I told her I think not emailing her throughout the week actually makes sessions better and I can talk a lot more in session because I haven’t emailed her everything throughout the week.

But yeah today was good.

I’m doing alright today. I haven’t done much – I’m falling down the rabbit hole of youtube and the internet as a whole, haha. I feel lonely these days but it’ll pass – it always does. I am where I am and this is where I am. I guess.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[wildflowerchild25]

I got my second Covid vaccine (moderna) about three hours ago. Holy **** my arm hurts. My arm was a little sore after the first one but damn I can’t even lift it now. I’m not worried though. I took some Advil and hopefully that helps. I’ve read people generally feel a little crappier the second dose but they are all fine by 24 hours. I’m just happy I was considered a front line worker even though I also feel like I really don’t deserve it because I work at the school not the hospital. But I figured if I didn’t do it I wouldn’t be able to get one til who knows when - and I’m right. My SIL who has congestive heart failure, asthma, and is super obese (but she’s already lost 85 pounds and keeps going!) can’t get one until may 31. I have obesity but that’s it and I would have had to wait for the general population which could be months if not another year. So I do feel bad but it eases my anxiety, about that at least.

I totally chickened out and did not tell my therapist a damn thing. Just chatted about the house and things. I’m not as depressed today so she didn’t think I was hiding something. I know I’ll be fine until I’m triggered again and I’ll be back in the same position. That could happen tonight for all I know.

I ordered a cheap little aromatherapy necklace to help me. I can put a few drops of essential oil on the little lava stone inside and I can smell it when I’m anxious. It’s pretty and unobtrusive. Strong smells sometimes calm me down.

Here I go sticking my head in the sand again. Eventually it’ll be too much.

[busymomof5]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

Maybe she was self-medicating for her depression and didn’t realize she was an alcoholic. My mom’s best friend recently died suddenly of liver failure secondary to alcoholism. Everyone was shocked. Her friend had gotten a divorce and was lonely and depressed. She secretly self-medicated with alcohol. Even she did not realize she had become an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

[Sunflower123]

Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.

Oh, that would be so hard. I’m sorry your mother doesn’t appreciate you.

[Moose72]

This is me and N2 back in the day before bipolar!

Been uploading old videos off my then-phone from CDs today. Fun!

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.

I am sorry jennifer, you deserve some peace of mind.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Quiet days, but somewhat dull with my mild depression. I took my dog to the vet yesterday for her nail trim. It went smoothly. This is a dull time of year made worse by the lockdown. Our COVID numbers are trending in the right direction but there's a delay in vaccine delivery. Canada has no pharmaceutical manufacturers so we're at the mercy of foreign suppliers. I'm watching my third Netflix series. At least January is almost over. I've had it with Scrabble for the moment as the bot played a seven letter word on me ending in V. That's just absurd.

@Jennifer 1967: So sorry to hear that your mom is being ungrateful. I've heard that we're children at the start of our lives and sometimes we're children at the end. I hope things improve.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Got mum on a wait list. Her age will put her high on the list but because we live in a small town further from the action might put her lower.

YAY ! at least she is on the list

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Every time I don’t say how high when my mom says jump she calls my sister on the phone and acts like she is dying and can my sister come by the house. I’ve had enough of it. I bend over backwards taking care of that woman. I know she and my brother really need me but I’m thinking of moving out. Today was the last straw.

I’m so hurt and angry that I can’t even be in the same room as her right now. I’m totally icing her out. Maybe after I sleep on it I’ll feel differently. I doubt it though.

Warm regards to all.

I'm so sorry Jennifer Would it be possible for you to move out and get your own place? if so then maybe you could just go by maybe daily or every few days to help with things.

I'm sorry your in such a tough situation

[~Christina]

Wash Rinse Repeat

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by busymomof5

Maybe she was self-medicating for her depression and didn’t realize she was an alcoholic. My mom’s best friend recently died suddenly of liver failure secondary to alcoholism. Everyone was shocked. Her friend had gotten a divorce and was lonely and depressed. She secretly self-medicated with alcohol. Even she did not realize she had become an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

Yes, she is self-medicating due to stress, anxiety, and depression. That's why I keep on insisting that she get on an antidepressant and seek therapy. I know that alcoholism is a serious disease, and I have been (am) supportive of her. But I won't hang around for her hostility. That's where I draw the line.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

This is me and N2 back in the day before bipolar!

Been uploading old videos off my then-phone from CDs today. Fun!

Thanks for sharing the video! You are beautiful, a truly natural beauty, and so much fun . So much personality.

[*Beth*]

We're having a real, old-fashioned rain storm. Shortly after 6 pm I lost power for several hours. I just gathered the cats and went to bed - and awoke to find my pillows and the corner of my bed soaked from the rain that had come through my bedroom window, which does not completely close.

[MuddyBoots]

Thoughts suck.

Edit: I talked to my pnurse today and she's starting me on Lithium (said to start it ASAP) and going to call back next week. She concurs I'm manic af. I hope it helps because this is ****ing awesome 5% of the time and ****ing Hell 98% of the time.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hey all. I made it through the move and it went well. However, I am now super irritable since stopping that gabapentin and way too sensory sensitive. It took me like 45 min to fall asleep last night because I just couldn't get comfortable due to feeling like my skin is too sensitive. I am also starting to feel a bit depressed again. I am trying hard not to bicker with my boyfriend, but while he tries to understand I don't know if he gets that I can't be on 100% of the time. I like being here with him, but living alone might be better for me until I can get my moods stable.

I did see my new psychiatrist. It is expensive, but I am hoping I can get out of network coverage once I get through my deductible.
He wants to switch me to Wellbutrin SR daily instead of taking XL every other day. He also wants me start Depakote ER after about a week of the Wellbutrin SR. I don't know about the Depakote ER but I guess maybe it's got fewer side effects than other mood stabilizers. It seems like it can maybe mess with hormones so I am going to talk to my GYN. My psychiatrist didn't mention anything about that, but that's the last thing I need. Has anyone tried either of these meds?

I am going on a walk at a safe distance with a friend I have not seen in person since the pandemic. So, I am looking forward to that. Plus the walking will probably be good since I am soo restless.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hey all. I made it through the move and it went well. However, I am now super irritable since stopping that gabapentin and way too sensory sensitive. It took me like 45 min to fall asleep last night because I just couldn't get comfortable due to feeling like my skin is too sensitive. I am also starting to feel a bit depressed again. I am trying hard not to bicker with my boyfriend, but while he tries to understand I don't know if he gets that I can't be on 100% of the time. I like being here with him, but living alone might be better for me until I can get my moods stable.

I did see my new psychiatrist. It is expensive, but I am hoping I can get out of network coverage once I get through my deductible.
He wants to switch me to Wellbutrin SR daily instead of taking XL every other day. He also wants me start Depakote ER after about a week of the Wellbutrin SR. I don't know about the Depakote ER but I guess maybe it's got fewer side effects than other mood stabilizers. It seems like it can maybe mess with hormones so I am going to talk to my GYN. My psychiatrist didn't mention anything about that, but that's the last thing I need. Has anyone tried either of these meds?

I am going on a walk at a safe distance with a friend I have not seen in person since the pandemic. So, I am looking forward to that. Plus the walking will probably be good since I am soo restless.

Congratulations for making it through the move!

I am currently taking Wellbutrin SR, but this is only the 6th day and I'm starting out at a low dose (75mg). My biggest concern with Wellbutrin is anxiety, but so far I don't think it has increased my anxiety level. Yesterday I did feel a lifting of depression.

I was on Depakote many years ago. It was a good med, mostly. I did gain a little bit of weight from it, but it wasn't outrageous.

[Mountaindewed]

I am in a good mood today. I slept very well last night. I don’t think I was up for more than 5 minutes. Just long enough to get my Geodon around 2:30. My mom was pretty crabby this morning and still kind of is now, but I was able to just work around her bad mood. She’s under a lot of stress with the move. I went to Walmart to look for the new coffee Coke. I found it then I decided to get some new underwear and tank tops. I also found a pair of pants and a long sleeve Pulp Fiction shirt. I also went to my favorite international market and I got some exotic super foods. The Covid cases and positivity rate in my state are super low. So I figured it would be ok to go out early when the store was empty. I wore 2 masks. A medical mask and then a cloth one over.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Congratulations for making it through the move!

I am currently taking Wellbutrin SR, but this is only the 6th day and I'm starting out at a low dose (75mg). My biggest concern with Wellbutrin is anxiety, but so far I don't think it has increased my anxiety level. Yesterday I did feel a lifting of depression.

I was on Depakote many years ago. It was a good med, mostly. I did gain a little bit of weight from it, but it wasn't outrageous.

Thank you! That is encouraging that Depakote mostly worked well for you. I don't mind a little bit of weight gain, just don't want anything excessive. I am also starting at a pretty low dose of Wellbutrin SR (100 mg once a day). I didn't realize you could start even lower than that. Hope it works for you! The XL worked for me within 2 days but I seem to react quickly to meds. I honestly am not sure why it matters if I take the SR daily vs the XL every other day but we'll see what happens.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thank you! That is encouraging that Depakote mostly worked well for you. I don't mind a little bit of weight gain, just don't want anything excessive. I am also starting at a pretty low dose of Wellbutrin SR (100 mg once a day). I didn't realize you could start even lower than that. Hope it works for you! The XL worked for me within 2 days but I seem to react quickly to meds. I honestly am not sure why it matters if I take the SR daily vs the XL every other day but we'll see what happens.

I remember that I gained 15lbs. on the Depakote (nothing like Seroquel!!). I also remember that it helped decrease the migraine headaches I was used to getting.

My pdoc always starts me at low doses because it seems since I've been in my 50's I react to side effects so strongly. I expect she'll raise it tomorrow when I see her. Then she said something about eventually going on the XL. I don't exactly understand how the SR/XL thing works, but pdocs seem to be choosy about it.