[*Beth*]

5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Go!

[Sunflower123]

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

I could have written the first paragraph of your post. I hope you can get an appointment for your mom very soon.

[Mountaindewed]

So far I’m doing pretty good. I had an iced latte too and my anxiety is fine. I think not sleeping much and taking my Geodon at 1AM was kinda messing with me. Today I’m not doing too much. I have to move these bookcases down the stairs and somewhere. Don’t know where my mom wants them. The carpet people get here at 8AM tomorrow. I plan on taking a shower at about 6:30AM, maybe getting coffee, and then just reading all day. We are planning on getting a pizza since we won’t be able to cook. I can’t remember the last time I had pizza. My move is coming along but I feel like it’s happening too fast and it’s kinda making me nervous.

[bizi]

I am sorry you are nervous.
you can do this, make it happen. I have faith in you.
bizi

[*Beth*]

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am out of sorts today. I can’t get out of my head. Had another SH dream. Not as violent as the one I had a few weeks ago. I made a half hearted attempt at cleaning the kitchen. I de cluttered it and wiped down the counters and table and that was about it. I had a huge breakfast so I’m likely not going to be hungry until we’ll into there evening. That’s kind of what my days off are like, two large meals instead of three small ones.

I really need to go shopping but it’s just so cold....I don’t want to go back out there. The winter doldrums are setting in for me. It’s around this time that I just can’t deal with it anymore and start to feel hopeless looking forward at the fact that there’s at least two months of this ******** stretching out in front of me. The NJ flower show used to be in mid February and would rejuvenate me with its beautiful displays and smells of spring, but last year they moved it to may even before the shutdown. This year the Philadelphia one isn’t happening. I’ve got nothing.

Sigh. I guess I just have to focus on the house. I am going to send a formal letter to my landlord once we are officially out detailing the original lease. It said that they were required to present a new lease unless they had good cause not to and if they didn’t then it would be assumed to be month to month. I’m going to gently tell him to **** off about the last two months of rent. I calculated the possible damages we may be charged for. It will likely be above the amount of our security deposit but I don’t mind paying that as long as we don’t have to pay 2 months rent on top of that.

[bizi]

Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

bizi

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Big hugs. That is a horrible feeling. And I don't blame you a bit for the frustration. I would feel exactly as you are describing about all of it.

Thank you for the support, Innerzone. It means a lot to me. I guess in a word, I'm hurt. And I think of all the times I was horribly depressed and anxious, but never said a word to my friend about how I was feeling because I was listening to her, and to her pain. I certainly can't blame her for that; I'm just...confused.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

Bethrags,
is she a suicide risk, it sounds like she was reaching out to you for support.
I am sorry you feel this way. Alcoholism is a disease. She can't be in denial anymore with this newly found liver damage report.. Only she can quit. she will need more support if this is to happen. Has she talked about getting help like AA? or inpatient rehab? have you mentioned it to her? sorry, I drink too much and am looking at 3 weeks Alcohol free...to lose weight.

bizi

Thank you, bizi. She's never mentioned suicide, just seems to go over and over the same life issues, without any plan for resolution. She has a kind heart. I've always listened to her without any judgment, just love. And I guess that's why I feel kinda screwed over.

She's still in hospital and I'm just not ready to talk with her yet. Her daughter is working with the doctors to get C. into some kind of program. I really hope that once she meets other people who share her illness she feels more connected to herself and her own life path.

[bizi]

thank you for the update
bizi

[*Beth*]

bizi - I want to ask you...do you know where the pilot movie for Lost is? I have Amazon Prime and all the shows are there, but not the pilot.

[MuddyBoots]

Taking space for the rest of the night. "Taking space" sounds a lot healthier than "isolating" though, really, what's the difference besides what sounds you make when saying them. But yeah, everyone is pissing me off. Even my cousin who is the greatest person pissed me off because she'd rather eat than eat the coookies I made. But alone I feel great! I'm singing with loud music and dancing and it's just an overall good time. Much better than this morning. I think tomorrow I'm going to pick up some melatonin. I tried to yesterday but I couldn't find it within 5 seconds so I got angry and left. And CVS is being a pima because they won't sell me temazepam despite having a prescription and my pnurse isn't helping me out any. I still have some because I don't take it every night (just the nights I feel like sleeping is important, like if I go three days with just a couple short naps, yeah, I'll take it. I mean this morning I thought I was entering an episode because everywhere left and right I was angry. Like I got pissed because my cats and my mom were napping. Like my cats. They're awake 4 hours a day. I'm asleep 4 hours a day at most without taking double what I'm supposed to of benzos. wtf? That doesn't seem fair for either party. If I were God I'd run things MUCH better). But basically, thinking about ditching psychotherapy for more mountain therapy this week. Favorite ski area opened one of my favorite ever trails. Hardscrabble. Such good memories. I'm still sore, bruised and swollen from my fall on Avalanche last week though, so we'll see. If we get more snow maybe I'll go XC skiing or snowshoeing. Maybe I'll and go ice climbing. There's gotta be some options ready. I need gear. Only ice climbing I've ever done was in hillsounds, and it wasn't really climbing, and it wasn't blue ice.

I'm going for a run. It's dark, but I have a headlamp so I should be good.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’ve been laying in bed for most of the day. From 1-4 I wrapped up in blankets and just listened to music. I got up to eat some leftovers and then decided to watch a few episodes of a sitcom to lighten my mood. Dragged myself to the shower so I look presentable for work tomorrow. Now I’m back to bed.

I’m very depressed, but it’s personal, not bipolar related. If I don’t do what I need to do it will likely devolve into an episode. I just really, really, really don’t want to do what I need to do. I want to pull the covers over my eyes and forget about it. But I guess that doesn’t work for trauma, now does it?

I’ll be down during the drive to work tomorrow but since I enjoy my job it’ll serve as a good distraction. Unfortunately my old student will be in class and he has the tendency to word vomit until someone cuts him off and then he resorts to his usual repertoire of curses and wild threats. I’m so thankful they moved me from him. At first I felt sorry for him but he’s proved that he is far from the damaged boy I related to. He’s definitely disturbed but it is more towards the end of a sociopath. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. It’s everyone else’s fault. We make him act this way. It’s hard to help someone who doesn’t think anything is wrong.

My girl now is a spitfire for sure but she’s also incredibly funny and sweet when she wants to be. We have a good rapport. She listens to me reluctantly when I tell her she needs to fix her work or needs to stop being rude to the teacher or her classmates. Takes a couple of tries and I imagine she’s rolling her eyes at home but hey, definitely not the worst I’ve dealt with.

I really want to cancel my therapy session because she’ll know something is wrong and I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s just getting worse so I have to say something eventually.

Tired of playing mental health whack a mole, really I am.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

....

Tired of playing mental health whack a mole, really I am.

I hear you.

I hope tomorrow goes well.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by BethRags

bizi - I want to ask you...do you know where the pilot movie for Lost is? I have Amazon Prime and all the shows are there, but not the pilot.

I am sorry it is episode 1, it is 2 hours long.I should not have called it the pilot. sorry
enjoy
bizi

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

With this virus and staying home, my days merge into each other. I feel that my life revolves around chores, inner work and taking care of my family. I badly need some fun, adventure and variety. I’m moving along rudderless and there’s nowhere to go right now. It’s cloudy here today so that could be the SAD talking but I am tired of the virus. I won’t take things for granted again.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to get the vaccine for my mom. It’s difficult in my area and all appointments fill quickly. I’ll keep trying.

Warm regards and hugs to all.

I'm sorry your struggling but I so understand how your feeling

Today I was convinced it was Saturday, until I looked at my phone

I cant wait to hear of your floating in the pool each day

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.


I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.


Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.

I feel foolish and used.

I can understand being upset over all this. I would feel the same. I cant think of any words to help but I'm sending you lots of hugs

[Victoria'smom]

Sorry I haven't been around I'm hype focused on this art program Miguel bought me. I'm not really sleeping and irritable. I don't feel high or low. My new T can't see me until mid-march. I don't see pdoc until march either. I'm not taking my fluoxetine so the only med I'm on is the abilify. Pdoc's going to be upset but I just can't Plus I don't need it right now. I'm trying to keep myself busy from the time I wake up to when everyone goes to sleep and then I get up when the sun comes up. I've accepted there will always be a part of me that wants to SH. That will always be my first response to everything but as long as I don't do it it's fine. It's just annoying. I may ask my husband to take my prn to sleep more tonight.

[~Christina]

Well I have nosed dived right into the rage-y depression mixed bowl of trash. I am leaning very heavy on my Xanax right now. I literally have a duffle bag full of psych meds that I could pull out and try something until my appt on Feb 3rd with Pdoc, but with having the TIA in Nov and Neurologist taking me off Seroquel right away. I doubt a few doses would cause another.. but not going to take the risk. Now being Diabetic its going to be difficult finding something that will still allow me to keep that under control. A friend linked me to a list of all psych meds and it shows which has X side effects and the degree of them like sedation and weight gain etc for some people. I have taken probably 90 % of more of them and had to quit because they didn't work or side effects were too bad.. Meh.

Gus my puppy has been doing really good with potty training.... Today ? he has forgotten everything He's up to 3.2 lbs now and it is too cold to train him outside yet on a consistant basis... Yesterday it wasn't awful so I took him out when I took my big guys out to the pasture, He ran like he was on crack..

Hope everyone has a good start to there week

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My dear friend is currently in the hospital and had a catheterization done to check for any cardiac damage she might have had, if she'd had a heart attack. Turns out that no, she hasn't had a heart attack. What she does have is liver damage due to sitting up alone every night and drinking.

I'm angry. I should be compassionate, but I don't feel as much compassion as I do annoyance. For many years C. has told me that she has health problems...high blood pressure, "some kind of heart problem", she often doesn't feel well, is frequently anxious and depressed. I have encouraged her repeatedly to go to the doctor more often, get on an AD, get into therapy. She hedges and avoids, tells me she's terrified to go to the doctor. I've worried about her so much.

Now I find out that she has liver damage from being an alcoholic. I feel betrayed and like a fool. All this time she's been lying to me. I've wondered why she calls me late at night (I never answer at that time); well, now I know - she's drunk. She leaves long, rambling messages crying that she misses me, and so on.
I feel foolish and used.

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

[Soupe du jour]

It looks like our belongings won't make it to our new home until the end of the first week of February. Boo! In any case, my s-i-l will loan us some things to get started in our new home, and we'll buy some of other things. Unlike in the US, some categories of stores just aren't open because of the pandemic. For example, you'd have a hard time finding kitchenwares, while in the US that could be found at most grocery stores, and also places like Target/Walmart. I don't mind living simply for a while, as long as its my own home. I think it will bug my husband more. However, one good thing about a mostly empty house will be that we can clean it more easily and even do things like painting a couple walls.


I asked Hubby if he'd take me to Prague today, to get out of s-i-l's house and do something different. He said yes, but it looks like it won't happen, in the end. At least gathering things for our house makes me feel like the final move is going to happen. My patience is growing less and less.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry it is episode 1, it is 2 hours long.I should not have called it the pilot. sorry
enjoy
bizi

Thanks, biz!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry your friend reached the point of liver damage. I also understand your frustration about her lies. I understand the position you are in. I was in similar with my father, but my siblings and I did see the writing clearly on the wall after some time. Yet our dad would seemingly foolishly deny his alcohol abuse/dependence.

I do have some mercy on those with substance abuse. It is not at all different than many issues affecting us with bipolar illness. Just as we must apologize for actions done as a result of the illness, obviously so must people with substance abuse. However, it can be difficult to want to apologize when we, with mental illness, feel the victim, ourselves and may be in such an overwhelmed position that any additional pressure/pain is beyond handling. It is clearly a sad fact that the hurt and pain affects many, but when a loved one or friend is down, it may be best to not beat them down even further.

I totally get if you need to stay away from your friend for awhile. It can sometimes be the best, for all parties involved, during the start of recovery journeys.

Thanks, Soupe. No, I would never beat her down. Actually, what frustrates me far more than her not disclosing her alcohol abuse to me (which I can understand, I'm sure her shame is miserable to live with...and she doesn't realize that with having BD I know all too well about mental illness!)- anyway, what I find so difficult is that so far, she hasn't taken any steps to change/better her situation. For example, she takes care of her elderly mom full-time. It's an enormous job, of course. I've been telling her for years that she needs to apply to be paid for being a home care giver. I did it when I cared for my mom; it's not difficult. But C. drags her feet, than chronically complains about not having any money.

But, I will continue to be supportive of her and gently encourage her to take baby steps in a healthy direction. I just need to step back at this time. She has a tremendous amount of family support, which I do not. So I need to practice my own self care.