[*Beth*]

I'm curious to know if people here who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 have had at least one psychotic break during which you truly could not control your behavior (usually resulting in IP)?

[Victoria'smom]

My H has BP1 he's never been hospitalized.
I'm SzA and had to ask to be hospitalized for psychosis to change my meds.

[Nammu]

Yes. But I don’t talk about it. It was traumatic and very fuzzy to me. It’s like someone took a film and sliced it together with huge gaps.

[Miss Laura]

Yes... but never been in hospital. I had my first proper I would say one just before last Christmas

[Soupe du jour]

Many more than one psychotic break. It's impossible to count. As for ones that resulted in hospitalizations, somewhere around six or seven. Some of them even happened at IOP/PHP that I was attending AFTER a hospitalization. Insurance companies are so horny to get you out of inpatient, that some, like me, were released prematurely. The IOP/PHP in these cases had to send me back inpatient.

Like Nammu wrote, some of my psychotic episodes were traumatic and some a bit fuzzy in my mind. Sometimes the memories are almost like fragmentary blackouts. When my manias had mixed elements, I often had delusions of persecution. They were quite scary for me, and even others that observed them. I recall being dragged into isolation rooms at least a few times. Once I remember having to be shadowed by hospital security, perhaps because I was a perceived threat to myself or others.

My most recent psychotic break was in May 2018. I did manage to avoid the hospital, thanks to my psychiatrist. It was bad, though. Hubby started to cry. I could have also been apprehended by airport police, if my behavior had even been worse.

[buddha1too]

My breaks & hospitalizations date back 40 years, when they still had the old state hospitals that just warehoused people. They'd give you massive doses of APs to the point where you'd get what they called the "Halodol shuffles." Commitments would often last 30 days or more...it was like serving a prison sentence. I'll take five day hospitalizations over the old days any time!

As I've aged (I turn 60 in June), & perhaps as a result of improvements of meds & my own compliance, my psychotic episodes have dissipated. I've not had a full-scale break in almost 10 years. Depression is still a major issue, though.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

My breaks & hospitalizations date back 40 years, when they still had the old state hospitals that just warehoused people. They'd give you massive doses of APs to the point where you'd get what they called the "Halodol shuffles." Commitments would often last 30 days or more...it was like serving a prison sentence. I'll take five day hospitalizations over the old days any time!

As I've aged (I turn 60 in June), & perhaps as a result of improvements of meds & my own compliance, my psychotic episodes have dissipated. I've not had a full-scale break in almost 10 years. Depression is still a major issue, though.

Totally agree about the hospital. Those state hospitals were the pitts. I’m 62 and remember them as well.

[*Beth*]

Thanks to each of you for your replies.

I've just finished reading a book called Hurry Down Sunshine (thanks, Moose ). It was written by the father of a young woman who had a psychotic break and was ultimately diagnosed with BD1. The girl's (she's fifteen in the book) psychosis/mania was extreme. Severe. She was profoundly snapped from reality, entirely out of control; there was no choice but to IP her.

The memoir got me to thinking about the diagnosis of bipolar 1. Personally, I have never had a psychotic break in which I was entirely unable to reality check. My pdoc is set on the diagnosis of BD1 and, although I have brought up my hesitation about the dx with her, she remains firm, as does my therapist. Last time I was taken to the hospital (by the cops) I was in a terrible rage. I was furious; I did have a valid reason to be angry - but not to the intensity of rage I was in. (btw, I didn't need the cops to intervene, nor did I need to go IP...I had posted something on Facebook that prompted my cousin to make the foolish decision to call 911. I just needed to be left alone to calm myself down).

When I got to the hospital I was angry and on edge, but I was able to reign in my anger enough to convince them to release me the following day. In fact, if anything I was more focused and clear-minded than I normally am.

I don't have borderline personality disorder; I am diagnosed with CPTSD (which is a fitting dx).

The literature on BD1 is so all over the place, it's nearly impossible to discern what it really means to have the illness.

[wolftrap]

I've had a few psychotic breaks, but was not hospitalized. When I was diagnosed with bp my mother said "Oh, there were more than a few times when I thought you should have been hospitalized". Thanks mom! I was, however, divorced from reality for long periods of time due to euphoric mania. More subtle than a full-on psychotic break. It is difficult to explain. I lived in this world, but thought and acted in a made up world and could do this for long periods of time until people began to understand that something was wrong. I could lead people on, unconsciously, to think that I knew exactly how to do what needed to be done, or feel what they wanted or needed me to feel. I would follow my own oblivious internal agenda until the schism between my reality and theirs became so great that I would lose jobs and relationships. I was like this from late college through my late 30's, punctuated by severe bouts of depression and a few psychotic breaks. Glad that's over!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wolftrap

I've had a few psychotic breaks, but was not hospitalized. When I was diagnosed with bp my mother said "Oh, there were more than a few times when I thought you should have been hospitalized". Thanks mom! I was, however, divorced from reality for long periods of time due to euphoric mania. More subtle than a full-on psychotic break. It is difficult to explain. I lived in this world, but thought and acted in a made up world and could do this for long periods of time until people began to understand that something was wrong. I could lead people on, unconsciously, to think that I knew exactly how to do what needed to be done, or feel what they wanted or needed me to feel. I would follow my own oblivious internal agenda until the schism between my reality and theirs became so great that I would lose jobs and relationships. I was like this from late college through my late 30's, punctuated by severe bouts of depression and a few psychotic breaks. Glad that's over!

Yes, I understand well, I think, what you've described. Your experience feels closest to the way I would describe my own.

[Moose72]

My dad once referred to my having a psychotic break but I really think I haven't. I don't know if my dad thought that because of what I write in my bipolar blog - including the recent poetry- because I don't remember writing "Pdoc says it was a psychotic break..." I have felt persecuted at times though. Most recently, I though people were out to steal my identity- and why not, when a commercial for Lifelock comes on several time an hour on tv? Another time, I thought there were people in my walls coming to get me. Or the time I was convinced these two people were following me and my daughter- all the way into the parking garage and ALMOST to our car, when they got into their own car. I'm not sure if these are psychotic breaks or just my imagination. I thought aliens were at the balcony door/window when I was 20 and had just gotten my wisdom teeth out. My parents said it was the pain meds making me think those things. That same time period, I thought the dark was coming to get me. The blackness of the windows at night was coming inside to get me. Again- meds or...?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

My dad once referred to my having a psychotic break but I really think I haven't. I don't know if my dad thought that because of what I write in my bipolar blog - including the recent poetry- because I don't remember writing "Pdoc says it was a psychotic break..." I have felt persecuted at times though. Most recently, I though people were out to steal my identity- and why not, when a commercial for Lifelock comes on several time an hour on tv? Another time, I thought there were people in my walls coming to get me. Or the time I was convinced these two people were following me and my daughter- all the way into the parking garage and ALMOST to our car, when they got into their own car. I'm not sure if these are psychotic breaks or just my imagination. I thought aliens were at the balcony door/window when I was 20 and had just gotten my wisdom teeth out. My parents said it was the pain meds making me think those things. That same time period, I thought the dark was coming to get me. The blackness of the windows at night was coming inside to get me. Again- meds or...?

I have a lot of those kinds of experiences. I can really relate! For example, I became convinced a few months ago that Nazis were in my therapist's home. It was ridiculous, yet I could not get the idea out of my mind. I would almost call it "imagination", but it wasn't imagination in that I couldn't make it come and go. It stuck there. I told my therapist that I didn't really think there were Nazis in her house - yet I also couldn't stop the suspicion that there were.

[bizi]

I have had 3 hospitalizations, first time wound up with bp1 diagnosis. age 26 I think, Full blown psychosis 5 day total for that one, off work a full month.
second one was about had taken my self off all meds and left my husband to rejoin the military in whichitaw tx, I got meningitis and spent 10 days in the hospital, they did not know that I was a nurse. I was manic. 3rd time in the hospital was for a medication change geodon had stopped working so I became manic with some paranoia I was hospitalized to change meds full blown psychosis while there. I eventually went from partial observation, to one on one. I hardly remember the events that was march last year. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
They kept me a month then IOP for a 5 weeks, left early because I needed to go back to work, I did not feel that I was benefiting from it any more. I was 57 at that time.
blur....
bizi

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

I have had 3 hospitalizations, first time wound up with bp1 diagnosis. age 26 I think, Full blown psychosis 5 day total for that one, off work a full month.
second one was about had taken my self off all meds and left my husband to rejoin the military in whichitaw tx, I got meningitis and spent 10 days in the hospital, they did not know that I was a nurse. I was manic. 3rd time in the hospital was for a medication change geodon had stopped working so I became manic with some paranoia I was hospitalized to change meds full blown psychosis while there. I eventually went from partial observation, to one on one. I hardly remember the events that was march last year. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
They kept me a month then IOP for a 5 weeks, left early because I needed to go back to work, I did not feel that I was benefiting from it any more. I was 57 at that time.
blur....
bizi

That sounds horrible, bizi. You must have been so frightened.

[Victoria'smom]

Most don't realize I'm having psychosis. You generally have to ask me very pointed questions or I have to volunteer the information because a lot of times I know my thinking is wrong but it feels right.

So on the outside I may be verbally fighting a lot to the point of asking for a divorce. Seems reasonable right. In reality I think H is trying to kill me or trying to take my kid away or whatever.

on the OUTSIDE I'm quiet and clingy. Inside "I'm not real", "I'm his imaginary friend"...

Outside I'm nerves, Inside "Everyone hates me", "cops are going to come arrest me any moment."....

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have a lot of those kinds of experiences. I can really relate! For example, I became convinced a few months ago that Nazis were in my therapist's home. It was ridiculous, yet I could not get the idea out of my mind. I would almost call it "imagination", but it wasn't imagination in that I couldn't make it come and go. It stuck there. I told my therapist that I didn't really think there were Nazis in her house - yet I also couldn't stop the suspicion that there were.

Exactly right!

[Polibeth]

I've had several psychotic breaks which resulted in IP stays but I was never really out of control as far as my behavior goes. I stay fairly composed from what others tell me (I rarely remember much of these episodes)

[*Beth*]

This is sure an interesting thread. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by BethRags

That sounds horrible, bizi. You must have been so frightened.

I was not frightened just wanted to get well.
They kept giving me injections every night. It was a struggle. 4 of them would come into my room at night I knew what they were going to do. I struggled and that is why It hurts so badly, like a cork screw.....

I guess I was afraid of this. I hardly slept while I was in patient. I remember getting up on one of the last nights there and I had slept 6 hours...I could not believe it. so I went back to bed.

bizi

[HALLIEBETH87]

It’s been nearly a year since my last IP stay. (Wow!!!!!!!)

I thought I had hurt myself over me the demons inside me would hurt people I love. I ended up IP and then did outpatient for two days before being put back in. The hallucinations and al the fun stuff had started again. I was very suicidal. I don’t remember much but was there 24 days.

Most recent weird thoughts I’ve had is that during ECT a couple years ago they implanted something into my brain to control my emotions -to keep me out of control so I’d keep having to back

[Miss Laura]

How do you know??

I've suffered from paranoia for years, years before I was diagnosed. Delusions came about 2 years after diagnosis and hallucinations about 5 years after diagnosis. No-one in real life knows when I'm any of the above. I have to be straight up about it. But I'm paranoid every single day.

So when is it a psychotic breakdown and when is it just me?

[*Beth*]

I think every one of us have asked that question...is this psychosis or is it just me?

With regard to my OP I was thinking of a psychotic break that is so obvious, there's no option but IP.