[*Beth*]

Well, I've driven in lightly falling snow, I mean lightly, exactly once in my life, in a VW Bus - and once was enough. I was creeping at 15 mph, but still sliding around. But, of course, my Bus wasn't equipped for snow driving, at all. I'd gotten caught in it by surprise.

Anyway. Your job. Boots, it's a big undertaking, 3 - 4 times/a week. Is there any possibility at all of starting with twice/week? Even for a month, see how it is for you?

[MuddyBoots]

Unfortunately it's retail and the holiday season so 15+ hours is expected for part-timers. After Christmas season I'll go down to 10hrs a week. If I start seeing early warning signs though, I will tell her I need to go down in hours and if I can't I have to quit the job. She seems to understand people with anxiety pretty well, but idk if "for safety purposes I can't be near the box cutters today" will go over well.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Unfortunately it's retail and the holiday season so 15+ hours is expected for part-timers. After Christmas season I'll go down to 10hrs a week. If I start seeing early warning signs though, I will tell her I need to go down in hours and if I can't I have to quit the job. She seems to understand people with anxiety pretty well, but idk if "for safety purposes I can't be near the box cutters today" will go over well.

Ohh, yes...the holiday retail thing. As you well know taking care of yourself is absolutely top priority, in every way, and whatever that means for you and for your safety.

[Mountaindewed]

How are your coworkers?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

How are your coworkers?

I haven't really met anybody other than managers yet. I haven't even seen anybody work there other than managers yet actually.

[MuddyBoots]

So yesterday I wasn't the only cashier and the other guy was also cutting up boxes. At one point he looked at me and I was afraid he was going to come over and slash my throat with the box cutter and then I got suspicious of everyone in the store; I thought someone was going to plant a bomb in the Christmas section. On my break I took some PRN Haldol and then when I got back I kept making mistakes like not giving people their bags and I counted some woman's money wrong and gave her $2 extra bucks.

[*Beth*]

That sounds kinda miserable.

[MuddyBoots]

And today someone stole $10 from my register

[*Beth*]

Oh, wow. So what's the procedure when that happens?

[MuddyBoots]

The manager just gave me a $10 to put in my till to make up for it. I'm not sure if they'll try tracking them down with cameras or something but for only $10 I'm guessing not. What happened is they paid with a food stamp card but there was $10 short of their total and they ran off with their stuff before I could ask for the extra money and apparently that happens a lot.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay now I'm pissed. Last week I called the pharmacy to see how many weeks of refills I have left (since I have to pick them up every week). They said they had given me my last week and I needed refills called in. They emailed my doc. I called my ACT person whom I was told to call for refills. I just called today and NONE of my meds have been refilled. I have enough for today but that's it. If I don't get them by the end of the day (and the pharmacy closes at 5pm) I'm f**ked.

[*Beth*]

I didn't see you around yesterday. How are you @MuddyBoots?

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

I cut the shyt out of my leg, got a ride in an ambulance, walked straight out of the hospital, walked to the CMHC where I was POd that they called the ambulance, and they gave me a ride to this respite place to chill for a bit and now I'm back home.

I got my meds though.

edit: interestingly enough, it's been about a month since I got out of IP and have not been "randomly" drug tested once.

[*Beth*]

Okay. Thanks for checking in. I was concerned.

[MuddyBoots]

Giving up on my job. Missed two doses of two antipsychotics and now I'm hearing shyt again and feeling demonic presences.

[*Beth*]

^^^ That post was 2 days ago. What's happening now, Boots?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

^^^ That post was 2 days ago. What's happening now, Boots?

My therapist agreed it was best I quit the job. My "eating disorder" (in quotes because not sure if it's a genuine eating disorder or not) is totally out of control.

Possible trigger:

Wednesday and Thursday I purged everything, did not eat anything Friday/Saturday/Sunday, ate normal yesterday, and binged/purged twice today. Occasionally there's small amounts of blood in my vomit. I know I should see a doctor, but I can't. I really just can't.

I've been super sleepy and busy with the kittens lately so I probably won't update super often. Don't worry about me though, I'll be fine

[*Beth*]

Thank you for checking in, Boots; I would have worried. Sounds like your t is approaching the job situation with good sense.

[MuddyBoots]

I want/need to stop the binging and purging. More so need than want because there's even more blood now. I just don't know how (without going back to substances or other methods of self harm....maybe I should just...never mind...).
I have this unsatiable desire to self-destruct. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm bad or something. Like there is "badness" in me that I need to numb or get out somehow. I'm going to stay up until my mom goes to bed and then call the ACT team and hopefully someone good will call me back and talk to me about it. My therapist is out next week.

Had pdoc appointment. Was in good spirits then so of course I told her all was well and had been mostly well (other than the calling them freaking out about the SH last week).

[Nammu]

Oh boots, wish there was something I could say that didn’t sound corny. I’m just sitting with you while you wait.

[*Beth*]

I'm with Nammu, Boots. We're sitting here with you...waiting with you. I do understand that feeling of needing to get out a "badness" that's inside. I believe it's the result of childhood conditioning (i.e., it's PTSD). Anyway. We're here.

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks guys. I fell asleep before my mom so I didn't get to call the team. I think I see my case worker later on but my mom's home so hopefully we can get out somewhere.

these kittens are exhausting me. They need to be played with 24/7 it seems.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Thanks guys. I fell asleep before my mom so I didn't get to call the team. I think I see my case worker later on but my mom's home so hopefully we can get out somewhere.

these kittens are exhausting me. They need to be played with 24/7 it seems.

Kittens are tiring!

[MuddyBoots]

Went the weekend without b/p. Went hardcore at it today though. Was feeling almost hypomanic after lots of purging and now I'm in the sh**ty feeling after now.

The kittens literally just left their food to eat house plants.

edit: actually that was a lie I think I purged yesterday

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

Okay there was a bit more blood in my puke this morning than I have been having lately.

But I'm learning some pretty cool things on the piano. I should pick up the guitar again, but I'm afraid the kittens will want to play (with the cable) too!

I hope my ACT person calls today considering I didn't have weekly therapy yesterday and called the emergency line yesterday with some serious shyt. But I'm not expecting anything.