[Aurelius710]

I'm just remembering. Bittersweet times.

So, I was a theater kid in high school. I absolutely loved it and was involved in productions throughout my high school career. The teacher who introduced me to it was a kindly old woman who had the resources as well as the know how to pull off a musical, which is where I got a chance to get my feet wet. Well, more like thrown in the deep end! I was the voice of Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors." People enjoyed it! They asked me for impressions into my senior year!

Well, the theater teacher of my freshman year retired and was replaced by a duo for my final three years. The one with the power, who I'll call J, thought she was all that and a bag of chips because she influenced a relative (I'm being vague because this relative is Googleable) to get into acting and his star was shining bright at this point in time. J thought this made her the second coming of Stanley Kubrick and treated her high school theater troupe as the set of The Shining with certain individuals (not necessarily me) playing poor Shelly Duvall. I got cast in several of her plays. (Important for the upcoming paragraph.)

Senior year. Spring semester. Final play. I naturally wanted to go out with a bang, so I auditioned for the lead. I do my bit. J sings my praises. Feels good. I go for part two and immediate 180. I get gaslit for the entire audition process, with her telling me I'm never as good as the last read with opinion ever trending downward. I'm not the only one this happened to. She screwed up the audition process so badly, people who loved theater as much a I did quit her class in disgust.

I ended up having a heart to heart with J saying to me "You have never played a believable character in the entire time I've worked with you." For anyone halfway interested in theater, that's a gut punch. You've always sucked. I still cast you in my plays, but you sucked. Everyone has imposter syndrome, but you, there's no syndrome. You're the odd man out.

It's been almost fifteen years. I haven't acted since that play. I know how full of crap J was on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one... four years of involvement dismissed without thought or hesitation is hard to detach from.

I thought about this during my interview with the specialty warehouse people. The topic of my health came up and I felt compelled to qualify repeatedly that it was managed. My health won't be a distraction. I want a challenging job. Something that will keep me engaged and involved and not just checking groceries. Considering my last job threw me out after coming back from medical leave, is it any wonder I'm feeling that same imposter syndrome line?

It's just this confident dismissal of who you are. A lot of insults can roll off of my back, but some combination of irredeemably bad and incompetent and useless stings. A lot.

I don't know.

[Yaowen]

I can TOTALLY relate to what you write about although my situation is not identical to yours. Things like this have happened to me and even this morning! It does sting and it can leave a stain on one's memory too.

Something that helps me [although it may not help you] is the idea of projection. This is the idea, you probably already know, that when people feel bad about something in themselves or hate something about themselves, they try to get relief from the pain by projecting it onto someone else, by saying something mean or hateful to someone else.

I wonder if what the person you call "J" said to you reveals more about him or her than you. I wonder if "J" deep down thinks about herself or himself in the negative way she spoke to you. And I really suspect that "J" feels like an imposter deep down.

Today someone said something quite mean to me. After the initial shock and emotional after effects I realized: "This person is talking about himself not me.

So do you think that maybe that is something similar to what happened to you or am I completely off base? Perhaps I am overly reading my experiences into yours. In any case, I hope many people see your post today and respond with something helpful!

[bizi]

I bet that stings! get into your local theater acting guild

there is a need for local plays and you would be perfect

for this venue.
bizi

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I can TOTALLY relate to what you write about although my situation is not identical to yours. Things like this have happened to me and even this morning! It does sting and it can leave a stain on one's memory too.

Something that helps me [although it may not help you] is the idea of projection. This is the idea, you probably already know, that when people feel bad about something in themselves or hate something about themselves, they try to get relief from the pain by projecting it onto someone else, by saying something mean or hateful to someone else.

I wonder if what the person you call "J" said to you reveals more about him or her than you. I wonder if "J" deep down thinks about herself or himself in the negative way she spoke to you. And I really suspect that "J" feels like an imposter deep down.

Today someone said something quite mean to me. After the initial shock and emotional after effects I realized: "This person is talking about himself not me.

So do you think that maybe that is something similar to what happened to you or am I completely off base? Perhaps I am overly reading my experiences into yours. In any case, I hope many people see your post today and respond with something helpful!

Originally Posted by bizi

I bet that stings! get into your local theater acting guild

there is a need for local plays and you would be perfect

for this venue.
bizi

Thanks for that guys. I always wanted to keep it up. Not necessarily at a professional level, but just to do something I enjoy. Having that woman sap all of the joy I got out of it makes me angry even today!

However, my introspection runs a bit deeper than that.

J was wrong, but she was so confidently wrong that I doubted myself and the fact that I hesitated, even for an instant, made her confident wrongness confident rightness and there was nothing to dissuade her from her "correct" reasoning.

It's not just J. I've had bosses, professors, even family members espouse confident wrongness that was proven "right" by their position of relative power. I can't get anywhere in life when the first impressions of others are the only right, true and unchanging position from now into perpetuity. I can't get anywhere in life if I feel I have to constantly dissuade people from their confident wrongness.

I can't do it alone, but it seems I can't do it with people either.