[Victoria'smom]

So I’m blaring my headphones because I’m too afraid to check if I’m still hearing things. I tried to eat and fell back to my protein shake. I’m scanning the reflection on my computer to make sure no one’s behind me. My anxiety is so high I feel like my chest is being ripped apart. I’ve tried coloring. I can’t be high every day. I don't want to make it a habit. I’m not going to SH but I feel I’m slipping and these damn bugs. I have anxiety Meds but they don’t help this. Maybe they’d help with the feeling in my chest. I have meds that will put me to sleep and I’m thinking about Spending very few hours awake between now and Tuesday when my therapist appointment is. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s not the symptoms that bother as much as where this can lead.I don’t want to use destructive coping mechanisms or overstate the stress. I don’t want T to overreact and I don’t know if I want my pdoc brought into this. I guess I’m asking how to keep grounded in reality, not stress out T but be honest. T knows I’m hearing things/feeling things. She wanted me to talk to pdoc so I called and missed his call back, so I tried again and missed that call too. No idea if my phone’s being weird or if I block it out because I’m always “hearing” it ring lately. I’m on high alert.

[Moose72]

Oh Miguel'smom, if it were me, I would call my pdoc and see if there's anything she could do. In my case, it would probably be a temporary increase in Haldol. I don't know all the details of what meds you take except that one is in a monthly shot. Please don't SH - that will only add to things. Hugs and I'm thinking of you!

[MuddyBoots]

Can you change your ringtone to something that alerts you that you're not familiar with? I change my ringtone frequently because I hear it "ring" too, and I find that when I change it I hear the old ring for a while and when the new ringtone comes on I can differentiate it from a hallucination. I don't get a lot of phone calls so it takes a week or two before I get used to the new noise.

That might at least help you out to answer your pdoc's call. Hopefully your doc will help you out med-wise to reduce your overall symptoms. Until then, practice distress tolerance skills/coping skills, self-care (the basics like getting in some nutrients, bathing, brushing your teeth, etc), and reality testing.

I find cold things help. Rubbing my arms with ice, dunking my head in a bucket of ice water, or taking a quick cold shower. Deep breathing calms people down too. Try and keep yourself busy with any healthy activity, try and get something that keeps yourself physically busy and get something that keeps your mind busy in every day (I like to garden and use duolingo to learn other languages right now). Look up some grounding techniques online and try them out to see which ones work for you.

And finally, remind yourself that you've been here before and gotten through the other side in tact.

[Victoria'smom]

moose 72- I don't want to bother pdoc especially when I move in a month and am unsure I'll even stay medicated. I tried, I would rather deal with it with T. I just need to hang on 2 days. T can get ahold of my pdoc if she thinks it's really necessary. I don't even know what to say to pdoc my thoughts are all muddled it'll take more then 5 min to figure it out.

MuddyBoots I was able to change my ringtone. So hopefully that helps. I'll try cold things. I'll continue to color to pass time. I just..... Don't want to deal with this.

[MuddyBoots]

Oh, and keep posting here. We love to hear from you and really want to help you through this

[*Beth*]

^^^^ Exactly.

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you guys. I have a "headache" and I colored most of the day. I managed not to be destructive. Thought eating wasn't in the cards for me today. My husband gave me my meds
Hope I sleep all night. See you tomorrow sweet dreams.

[Victoria'smom]

So my day is getting worse. I wrote a list to my therapist because I don't think I'll be able to think clearly. I'm planning on bringing my headphones tomorrow while waiting. I need to shower and change before tomorrow. I don't have time for this. The isolation is killing me.

[*Beth*]

Mm

[Victoria'smom]

H just woke up. Hopefully it'll go better.

[Victoria'smom]

I needed to read my h's lips to understand him. I feel all over the place. I don't know how to even explain myself. I can't even color today. I just want to relax.

Artemis needs more food already so I have to get that. which is fine but they don't realize that I ask when I have money. You can't tell me no then 2 weeks later be like yes she needs food within the week. It just adds stress. I think I'm just going to send food every month even if they say they don't need it. It's food she'll eat it eventually, right?

H and I made a list of things that needs to be done he thought that would help but that just stressed me out more. I so just want to lay down and go away until my appointments.

[Victoria'smom]

So I was going to sh. So instead I took my meds and went to bed. My pills look weird but I took them anyway I have chicken it

[Victoria'smom]

So I avoided saying that I want to sh. But I said everything else. She asked to put list for pdoc cancelation. She wants me to call the med line.

[Victoria'smom]

I forgot to mention the whole convinced my finger nails were going to come off.

[Victoria'smom]

Now I'm thinking moving is going to be the end of my relationship. H says he wouldn't make me move cross country to break up with me. Last time we moved i thought he was setting me up. I can't live in that climate without him. he apologizes ever time I jump. I don't get why he would stay.

[Fuzzybear]

[MuddyBoots]

Mm, I think you're in the grip of a psychotic depression so I wouldn't trust what your mind says to you until your brain stops lying to you and you're thinking a little more clearly. I know you think H is going to jump ship, but know that when we're unwell our minds tell us all sorts of stupid shyt that isn't true, and it seems like this is a repeating theme for you when you're not in the best space.

I really hope you get to feeling better soon

[Victoria'smom]

I don't see why he would stay especially when I'm just getting worse. I have to stay home by myself tomorrow and I don't know how that's going to go. I'm not going to smoke tonight. I'm waiting until 7 pm to smoke every day because my pdoc can call up to 7 pm.

[Victoria'smom]

So we had a long talk. He now understands why I want a service dog. He understands my "logic" and why this is such a stressful move. He wants me to write out my day for my drs. because they need to know what a day is like for me. He wants me to take it to my therapist and GP. He didn't realize some things that I thought were obvious.

[MuddyBoots]

Did you ever get in touch with pdoc?

[Victoria'smom]

Did you ever get in touch with pdoc?

No I'm on a wait list. I was supposed to call the nurse line but never did. I just don't know what to say. I wish pdoc would reach out to me.

[Victoria'smom]

So I called the nurses line. Left a message they'll call me back by Tuesday.

[Victoria'smom]

They said I can get the shot Tuesday after the vet appointment. We also have to send in more paperwork into hud. And there's the issue with my dog. I'm basically completely isolated. H has asked me not to "leave" him. So he's concerned but we're all dealing with this in our own way.. My head's loud, foods an issue but I'm to preoccupied with the future and paying for things, for my head to wander to unrealistic things. I'm so wrapped up in thinking about that stuff.

[Sunflower123]

Thinking of you.

[Victoria'smom]

Well I go back on pills in two weeks. 30mg I had a different psychiatrist today. So that was interesting. I just said I'm having breakthrough symptoms but I don't want to deal with it because I'm moving and don't want to change anything up right now. He asked if they were manageable and I said yes, didn't want to get into it in the car with my son there. Also if I keep medical until we have a place they should be able to mail my meds. So that's helpful.