Bipolar check-in #71

Well we named her Maddie~

Back into raising a puppy “stage” begins ! it’s a lot of work but that’s okay. Last night she got in her crate and never made a peep until around 6am so she’s settling in nicely.

Hope no one is bothered by my posting pics of my furbabies.



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I missed the check-in yesterday for only the second time in years and I'm behind. I took this and that to sleep last night and finally did. So I feel somewhat more stable and will be able to mop, skate, and hopefully do some work with the book business. This day is very windy and the leaves are blowing all around. Our "snow" is leaves.

I gave Noah a call last night and we had a nice, long talk. He has such heavy responsibility with his job; I hope talking with me about it helped him to de-stress some. He said he's been bicycling a lot, riding 100 miles a couple of times/week. Said when he's crossing the Golden Gate Bridge/Robin Williams Tunnel out of the city and into the region along the coast line (called the Marin Headlands) he feels the stress just drop away. He expressed that so intensely. I compared that feeling of liberation to how I feel when I skate. There's something about the actual movement.

Anyway, it was an excellent conversation and I felt I called at a good time.

I want to thank you @wildflowerchild25for your support. Your metaphor about the ladder is such a helpful image. Unfortunately, I didn't see your post about Emsam @Blue_Bird, so I'm really glad you've mentioned it wfc.

I think Emsam would be an excellent option, most likely better than this very slow titration of Topomax. med dude is all but useless. He should have known about Emsam the moment I told him how badly depressed I'm feeling. He's fairly obsessed with a fear of causing me to become manic. Well, that's the least of my concerns. The last time I was really manic, which was more of a strong hypo-mania, was 5 years ago and I was barely on any meds. It's irritating. Depression is much more dangerous for me.

I have a med stupid dude appointment Tuesday, then Dr. D. (addiction dude) Wednesday. I'll see what goes with the 2 of them in terms of how well they listen to me/what they prescribe. If it's BS I'm definitely going to find another psych med prescriber and bye-bye med dude, Good Riddance.

Your lunch sounds fab @Blue_Bird! When I facilitated the NAMI Connection group we met at a supportive housing community. I loved that place. I met so many dear people. No one was isolated and everyone learned from each other how to get help in the community. I really hope to be able to live in a place like that some day. I have very nice neighbors here, but just people to say Hi to. I've never in my entire life been isolated like this and it's like physical pain.

That doggie is adorable @Fuzzybear. I would LOVE to see the photo of 4 year old Fuzzy!

Yay for decorations @Nammu! I'm going to buy some lights this week-end to hang in my apartment, cheer it up. Pink lights would be just the thing.

Hours cut @Aurelius710? Are they playing the holiday retail game with you? The spam dream is weird!

Thank you for your kindness @unlived.

Do you lift weights @Mountaindewed? I think you do. I got really into weightlifting when I was 37 - 42 & loved it! Got toned and muscular.

Hey there @MuddyBoots- I'm sending you love and a big, warm hug.

Clearly that pup is an angel sent to you and Steve @~Christina. 'Nuf said

Easy,
Beth

Love it when people here post pictures of their furry, feathered ones. If I could post pics I’d post one of Sir. Got a cute one of him toasting the new year.

The name Maddie is adorable @~Christina! What a pick! It fits her so nicely.

Okay! Got the mopping done! It's afternoon and I have opened every window wide. The wind is blowing through the apartment and giving it an awakening. Not cold, balmy. I'll have to close them in a while, but for now the music is on and the cats are awake and aware, running around with the wind.


I do feel little demons floating around, which is disturbing to me, but I think they are the result of me becoming aware of a lower aspect of the astral plane because of this severe depression. So I just have to make an effort to ignore them, but that takes a lot of energy, which is draining. Do I say the wrong things to prescribers? Why don't they listen to me?

Going to put my hands on my skates and get them on my feet, lace them up, stand up, and skate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Love it when people here post pictures of their furry, feathered ones. If I could post pics I’d post one of Sir. Got a cute one of him toasting the new year.

I'd sure like to see a pic of Sir.

So this sucks I stayed up to 6 am making dog food last night because we have no money but she loves it. I'm getting a lot of crap on FB about what I used for my base but **** them I followed the recipe. She likes it more then kibble We made 33+ lbs of food last night. Cooking was a huge for me and I got slammed. I only put how much it costed because other posts asked how much it cost. It is a lot for me. I said I wanted to dehydrate it so it keeps longer and they said a bunch of stuff like if I knew basic high school chem. I would know how wrong that is. I hate FB people.

I'm isolating, all I want to do is lay in bed pretending to sleep. I'm suppose to be coloring but I can't bring myself to bring my markers out. I feel like a horrible person that can't do anything right I'm safe just in a dark spot. I want my meds and my T, I want a place to live, I know we had to move but no matter how much we prepare it always goes horrible for us. It's going to at least be a month after we get a place that I can get properly medicated again. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of being the optimistic one and reassuring everyone it'll be okay. I want to curl up and cry. I don't know what to do at this point.

Beth don't worry about the PMs. I wrote you back so tag- you're it!

I’m so discouraged about my weight. I’m trying to lose but I’m so hungry. I guess it’s haldol. I don’t know what to do. My other symptoms have gotten better, even the restlessness, but I can’t lose any weight. I don’t even want to go to a physical. I forget which one I was on two years ago when I managed to lose 30lbs I actually don’t think I was on anything because I had been doing so well. But now I’m too afraid to be without one. It’s recommended online to exercise 1-2 hours A DAY to combat AP weight gain who has that much time??? Or energy? Am I supposed to be at the gym from 7-9 every night? I can increase from 30 minutes I think, I’ve gotten a bit more fit, but I just…if I could just eat less! But I’m so hungry!

I dunno. I have a pdoc appt next week. I’ve heard abilify doesn’t cause a lot. I know geodon doesn’t. I’ve been on geodon a couple of times, it just wasn’t that effective. Didn’t really do much either way. Maybe the pdoc will have an idea. I do like her.

Oh well. Next week is thanksgiving anyway. I’m cooking dinner for my boys and I. I like having it be just us. I’m gonna try to get my mom out of the house and come by but I will probably be unsuccessful. I’m making a turkey breast, mashed Yukon gold potatoes, candied yams (just a two yams, RS doesn’t like them) green bean casserole, and biscuits. I hope it goes better than last year. Last year I turned the oven off halfway through somehow (it was a new oven fancy oven and I didn’t quite know how to use it!) and didn’t realize until an hour later! Dinner was delayed until like 6pm.

We’re going to my aunt and uncle’s for dessert which I didn’t want to do but I decided to be the bigger person and go. I just don’t want to be around my cousin. After he sent a nasty, petty note with his response to my wedding invitation I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again. But I will not sink to his level. I don’t even really have to talk to him at all. Just a polite hello and that’s it. At least I don’t have to make dessert as well!

Being engaged is weird.

We are doing Thanksgiving two days later. N1 gets her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. We are going to do a trial run to the dentist's office on Sunday so I'm not lost with a dozey N1 in the car! We also are going to go grocery shopping for foods she'll be able to eat easily.

Mashed potatoes were a savior as well as applesauce, jello and soft canned fruit when I got wisdom tooth surgery

My daughter is threatening me, telling me that she may place me into a nursing home. She has no legal standing in this, but for her to say such a mean thing to me shocks me.

Thank you for asking about me, BeyondtheRainbow. I'm just barely making it these days. Feeling a bit desperate with so many stressors. Ill and sad.

Your little Maddie is darling. I like seeing these sweet pets. I really wish I had one again, but have to wait until we finally get into our own house. I could use more cuddling in my life.

@wildflowerchild25 , I have gained weight on my meds but recently re-started metformin, so I'm hopeful that it helps in addition to eating healthier and exercising some . I'm not diabetic but metformin is sometimes used to combat weight gain from APs. I used to be on it a year or so ago and lost 25lbs while on it. It seems to help with the constant hunger I get from my meds.

Also your Thanksgiving dinner sounds delicious

A more up to date picture of me

@Soupe du jour sending positive vibes your way. Thinking of you.

Big bear hugs to you @Soupe du jour. Hope things settle down soon

Christina (and everyone else), I will never tire of pics of your fur babies

Hey Beth,

Giving the apartment an awakening, with open windows, sounds good! Sounds like your cats are having fun

I wonder the same thing about do I say the wrong things to prescribers? Is that why they don't listen to me?

I love the pictures of everyone's fur babies also!

Bear pictures are the closest I can give to those (other than pictures of boxer dogs, a likeness of the lovely girl I used to have long ago)

I am well aware of those demons, Beth, as you know. They're still there (especially lately), but Haldol has really dampened them down. I think most prescribers have selective listening. They listen to what they think they can treat with what they think has worked for someone maybe before, ignoring the real problem(s).

Selective listening! Exactly. Especially (of course) if they are rushed for time. And ignoring the real problem(s). grrrr. I guess that's the best they can do, sometimes..

I told my mom the other day when a commercial came on for a psych med and the lady asked her doctor "what do you think about this med?" And the doctors says "it could help." That that is a very unlikely scenerario for a pdoc appointment. The pdoc would probably get mad that the client is suggesting trying something or they will just say they are drug seeking. I got yelled at by my pdoc for suggesting a new med. Told no for an increase when I called a month ago. Then this last time the other day I got told "we'll talk at your next appointment."