Bipolar check-in #71

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 11:42 AM

Maddie is adorable

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well we named her Maddie~

Back into raising a puppy “stage” begins ! it’s a lot of work but that’s okay. Last night she got in her crate and never made a peep until around 6am so she’s settling in nicely.

Hope no one is bothered by my posting pics of my furbabies.

Bipolar check-in #71

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Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 11:45 AM

Beth

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I missed the check-in yesterday for only the second time in years and I'm behind. I took this and that to sleep last night and finally did. So I feel somewhat more stable and will be able to mop, skate, and hopefully do some work with the book business. This day is very windy and the leaves are blowing all around. Our "snow" is leaves.

I gave Noah a call last night and we had a nice, long talk. He has such heavy responsibility with his job; I hope talking with me about it helped him to de-stress some. He said he's been bicycling a lot, riding 100 miles a couple of times/week. Said when he's crossing the Golden Gate Bridge/Robin Williams Tunnel out of the city and into the region along the coast line (called the Marin Headlands) he feels the stress just drop away. He expressed that so intensely. I compared that feeling of liberation to how I feel when I skate. There's something about the actual movement.

Anyway, it was an excellent conversation and I felt I called at a good time.

I want to thank you @wildflowerchild25for your support. Your metaphor about the ladder is such a helpful image. Unfortunately, I didn't see your post about Emsam @Blue_Bird, so I'm really glad you've mentioned it wfc.

I think Emsam would be an excellent option, most likely better than this very slow titration of Topomax. med dude is all but useless. He should have known about Emsam the moment I told him how badly depressed I'm feeling. He's fairly obsessed with a fear of causing me to become manic. Well, that's the least of my concerns. The last time I was really manic, which was more of a strong hypo-mania, was 5 years ago and I was barely on any meds. It's irritating. Depression is much more dangerous for me.

I have a med stupid dude appointment Tuesday, then Dr. D. (addiction dude) Wednesday. I'll see what goes with the 2 of them in terms of how well they listen to me/what they prescribe. If it's BS I'm definitely going to find another psych med prescriber and bye-bye med dude, Good Riddance.

Your lunch sounds fab @Blue_Bird! When I facilitated the NAMI Connection group we met at a supportive housing community. I loved that place. I met so many dear people. No one was isolated and everyone learned from each other how to get help in the community. I really hope to be able to live in a place like that some day. I have very nice neighbors here, but just people to say Hi to. I've never in my entire life been isolated like this and it's like physical pain.

That doggie is adorable @Fuzzybear. I would LOVE to see the photo of 4 year old Fuzzy!

Yay for decorations @Nammu! I'm going to buy some lights this week-end to hang in my apartment, cheer it up. Pink lights would be just the thing.

Hours cut @Aurelius710? Are they playing the holiday retail game with you? The spam dream is weird!

Thank you for your kindness @unlived.

Do you lift weights @Mountaindewed? I think you do. I got really into weightlifting when I was 37 - 42 & loved it! Got toned and muscular.

Hey there @MuddyBoots- I'm sending you love and a big, warm hug.

Clearly that pup is an angel sent to you and Steve @~Christina. 'Nuf said

Easy,
Beth

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 12:18 PM

Hope you feel better, Boots

Exercise helps me too..

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I was feeling pretty crummy this morning and I just wanted to stay in bed forever, and I absolutely did NOT want to go for a run or do any HIIT. It didn't help that my case manager called instead of coming over and forcing me to do stuff. I managed to muster up the strength to go for a quick 20 minute run up my road and back (and showered after) and feel much better now. Exercise. Good stuff.

Possible trigger:

still purged though. I actually had a dream last night I was at Foxwoods with someone and we had dinner and I went to the bathroom to throw up but the bathrooms just kept leading elsewhere to lounges and stuff and then four girls were f**king with me so I beat the shyt out of them and kept looking but could never find something to puke in.

Mountaindewed · 04:48 PM

I worked out yesterday morning lifting weights for half an hour. I had about 2 thousand calories in food and drinks including 2 giant pieces of tilapia for dinner. And this morning when I weighed myself I had lost 0.6 pounds. I'm trying to gain weight in muscle not lose anything. Anyways today I only did 25 crunches with my ab roller because I got anxious suddenly and needed the workout. 25 was enough though and now my stomach kinda hurts. Today I'll be eating way below what my therapist wants but honestly my quality is better so whatever. I wonder what the new one will say about things. Overall my anxiety is still pretty stable. I've stopped all the protein bars and shakes and crap. And I've started eating with my meds. So idk whats up. My mom is going insane with Thanksgiving. Now we are staying in 2 hotels. One Thursday night near my aunts where dinner is and one Friday night near my uncles where dinner will be. She said all the driving just makes more sense or something like that. Idk. I find packing up one hotel and moving to another one just 45 minutes away, exhausting. She has it all planned out though and I'm trying not to making things complicated by putting my 2 cents in there.

Whatever I'm feeling right now can go suck it.

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 03:40 PM

There is so much junk on fb. I'm going to have to block and delete several people.

I did see this recently. I do not find this to be junk.

''The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world.

Plato

I have not found a therapist who has adequate empathy.

Too many times I hear about therapists not so far away from this cave who also have a failure of empathy, to the extreme. I tried to talk to Papa bear about it tonight. He was not on receive.

*Beth* · Nov 19, 2022, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

So this sucks I stayed up to 6 am making dog food last night because we have no money but she loves it. I'm getting a lot of crap on FB about what I used for my base but **** them I followed the recipe. She likes it more then kibble We made 33+ lbs of food last night. Cooking was a huge for me and I got slammed. I only put how much it costed because other posts asked how much it cost. It is a lot for me. I said I wanted to dehydrate it so it keeps longer and they said a bunch of stuff like if I knew basic high school chem. I would know how wrong that is. I hate FB people.
...

Wth? They slammed you for making the dog food and wanting to dehydrate it? That sounds so excellent, Mm! I pay bucks to feed my diabetic cat dehydrated turkey or duck, it's very healthy. High protein, no carbs.

I flatly refuse to have any Fb friends who are not supportive. That doesn't mean they must vote like I do, but it means we must be mature enough to respect each other and prioritize our friendship over anything esle.

*Beth* · Nov 19, 2022, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Thank you for asking about me, BeyondtheRainbow. I'm just barely making it these days. Feeling a bit desperate with so many stressors. Ill and sad.

Well, Soupe, if you'd post here you know you have all of us to give you support and maybe some ideas.

~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Love it when people here post pictures of their furry, feathered ones. If I could post pics I’d post one of Sir. Got a cute one of him toasting the new year.

Oooh I’d love to see him

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*Beth* · Nov 19, 2022, 04:51 PM

I'm pretty sure it's the haldol that won't allow weight to budge @wildflowerchild25. I certainly feel for you. The AP's are so, so frustrating with their darn side effects.

I'm awfully sorry about your cousin. How sad. Having a family member who is a jerk...ugh. It makes every family situation awkward.

My oldest nephew's 4th (yes 4th) wife was (yes, was- they did divorce) an alcoholic, and was driving my nephew's 2 boys around when she'd been drinking. (My nephew is only 7 years younger than I; we basically grew up together.) So I expressed my concern to him about his stupid (then) wife and he stopped speaking to me. Then they divorced and he's been too ashamed to break the ice and speak to me. It's been a few years. I will write to him to work things out...when I feel motivated to do so, to deal with his 52 year old immaturity

~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

So this sucks I stayed up to 6 am making dog food last night because we have no money but she loves it. I'm getting a lot of crap on FB about what I used for my base but **** them I followed the recipe. She likes it more then kibble We made 33+ lbs of food last night. Cooking was a huge for me and I got slammed. I only put how much it costed because other posts asked how much it cost. It is a lot for me. I said I wanted to dehydrate it so it keeps longer and they said a bunch of stuff like if I knew basic high school chem. I would know how wrong that is. I hate FB people.

I'm isolating, all I want to do is lay in bed pretending to sleep. I'm suppose to be coloring but I can't bring myself to bring my markers out. I feel like a horrible person that can't do anything right I'm safe just in a dark spot. I want my meds and my T, I want a place to live, I know we had to move but no matter how much we prepare it always goes horrible for us. It's going to at least be a month after we get a place that I can get properly medicated again. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of being the optimistic one and reassuring everyone it'll be okay. I want to curl up and cry. I don't know what to do at this point.

I hope life settles down for you soon

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Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 04:52 PM

You're not a horrible person!

I've been deleting some people on fb today...

Units who say things like ''if that person knew basic high school chemistry, that person would know how wrong they are'' - they have to GO. Unlesss they are ignorable in our heads.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

So this sucks I stayed up to 6 am making dog food last night because we have no money but she loves it. I'm getting a lot of crap on FB about what I used for my base but **** them I followed the recipe. She likes it more then kibble We made 33+ lbs of food last night. Cooking was a huge for me and I got slammed. I only put how much it costed because other posts asked how much it cost. It is a lot for me. I said I wanted to dehydrate it so it keeps longer and they said a bunch of stuff like if I knew basic high school chem. I would know how wrong that is. I hate FB people.

I'm isolating, all I want to do is lay in bed pretending to sleep. I'm suppose to be coloring but I can't bring myself to bring my markers out. I feel like a horrible person that can't do anything right I'm safe just in a dark spot. I want my meds and my T, I want a place to live, I know we had to move but no matter how much we prepare it always goes horrible for us. It's going to at least be a month after we get a place that I can get properly medicated again. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of being the optimistic one and reassuring everyone it'll be okay. I want to curl up and cry. I don't know what to do at this point.

*Beth* · Nov 19, 2022, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I told my mom the other day when a commercial came on for a psych med and the lady asked her doctor "what do you think about this med?" And the doctors says "it could help." That that is a very unlikely scenerario for a pdoc appointment. The pdoc would probably get mad that the client is suggesting trying something or they will just say they are drug seeking. I got yelled at by my pdoc for suggesting a new med. Told no for an increase when I called a month ago. Then this last time the other day I got told "we'll talk at your next appointment."

Yes! They have to be the ones in the position of power.

~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m so discouraged about my weight. I’m trying to lose but I’m so hungry. I guess it’s haldol. I don’t know what to do. My other symptoms have gotten better, even the restlessness, but I can’t lose any weight. I don’t even want to go to a physical. I forget which one I was on two years ago when I managed to lose 30lbs I actually don’t think I was on anything because I had been doing so well. But now I’m too afraid to be without one. It’s recommended online to exercise 1-2 hours A DAY to combat AP weight gain

who has that much time??? Or energy? Am I supposed to be at the gym from 7-9 every night? I can increase from 30 minutes I think, I’ve gotten a bit more fit, but I just…if I could just eat less! But I’m so hungry!

I dunno. I have a pdoc appt next week. I’ve heard abilify doesn’t cause a lot. I know geodon doesn’t. I’ve been on geodon a couple of times, it just wasn’t that effective. Didn’t really do much either way. Maybe the pdoc will have an idea. I do like her.

Oh well. Next week is thanksgiving anyway. I’m cooking dinner for my boys and I. I like having it be just us. I’m gonna try to get my mom out of the house and come by but I will probably be unsuccessful. I’m making a turkey breast, mashed Yukon gold potatoes, candied yams (just a two yams, RS doesn’t like them) green bean casserole, and biscuits. I hope it goes better than last year. Last year I turned the oven off halfway through somehow (it was a new oven fancy oven and I didn’t quite know how to use it!) and didn’t realize until an hour later! Dinner was delayed until like 6pm.

We’re going to my aunt and uncle’s for dessert which I didn’t want to do but I decided to be the bigger person and go. I just don’t want to be around my cousin. After he sent a nasty, petty note with his response to my wedding invitation I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again. But I will not sink to his level. I don’t even really have to talk to him at all. Just a polite hello and that’s it. At least I don’t have to make dessert as well!

Hey girl !

Oh the joys of weight and psych meds.

I recently lost 20 lbs and I did it by going Keto. I can’t do full on Keto everyday but it did help. Not sure how much I’ve lost now , it’s been a month since I weighted myself. I’m not going to fixate on the “ number” but now my clothes are fitting better . I like Keto because I can load up on proteins and veggies so I won’t feel hungry and deprived.

I’m sure your holiday meal will be amazing this year! Hopefully your mom will get out and come for a bit!

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~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tucson

My daughter is threatening me, telling me that she may place me into a nursing home. She has no legal standing in this, but for her to say such a mean thing to me shocks me.

I’m so sorry

how’s the recovery going ?

Feel better soon

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~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Your little Maddie is darling. I like seeing these sweet pets. I really wish I had one again, but have to wait until we finally get into our own house. I could use more cuddling in my life.

Thanks ! I think most people would benefit from have a pet in no matter what shape size or species they are.

I’m sorry things are tough right now. Do you have an idea when you can fully move into your new home? I’m sure that will be a huge help in your mental well being. Loads of hugs my friend

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Mountaindewed · Nov 19, 2022, 05:09 PM

I feel like I am losing my ****ing mind and heading for a breakdown. I can't take anything. I'm going to run out early of my Geodon 20's. I'm 2 days short of my valium. I've taken my night meds and my melatonin. I've eaten dinner so I'm not hungry. There is nothing left for me to do at this point except wait it out and fall asleep. I don't get what is going on. Like do I have long Covid that is only affecting my mental health or what. But I feel so weird right now.

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2022, 05:26 PM

Grrrr. Can't ****ing get away from THAT thing

*Beth* · Nov 19, 2022, 05:27 PM

''The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world."
Plato

How very true and thank you for this @Fuzzybear

Yes, I know you are familiar with the demons @MuddyBoots, and I'm sorry that you are. Oh, I hate them, they are the indication to me that things have hit rock bottom.

Time is a major aspect of how med prescribers handle an appointment, isn't it? If they would just push for even a full 1/2 hour instead of a rushed 20 minutes so much more could be accomplished in the long term.

Therapists. HA. I've had one, many years ago, he worked through the VA (Veteran's Administration), came from the Bronx, he'd been in infantry, a platoon leader, in Vietnam. In the 6 years I was in therapy with him he never missed a single appointment. Not one. Nor did I - never. In August he took a 2-week vacation, only that. A reliable, empathetic, highly intelligent man. He worked a lot with Zen Buddhism before it had become "a thing." Solid. A good handshake at the end of each session. No games, no BS. I felt very secure in the military environment. Everything was done exactly on time, no surprises.

This therapist I have now. Drippy with compassion, but true empathy? Not really, no. Terrible memory. So busy taking notes (why?). A verrry passive approach that leaves me feeling neither safe nor secure, more anxious than anything else. She misses literally every third session. Many times every other session, and seems entirely unaware of the problems her absences cause. The inconsistency is so unprofessional I honestly don't know how she retains her job. She gives wonderful hugs. That's her "great talent." If I wasn't seeing her at no cost and if I had the energy to start new I would definitely seek therapy elsewhere. Really, I would like to return to the VA, but therapy is in a different city now.

Sorry, I really went off on therapy. Doctors, medical providers, therapists...far too many have a helluva nerve to be in practice.

~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 05:29 PM

Things are going okay with the new pup despite she’s a land shark at times. The joys of puppyhood parenting lol

Gus has gotten annoyed with Maddie off and on. He’s just setting her straight on whose the boss lol… she will learn quickly.

Early this morning I heard guns going off all around us ….hunting season has started. Sirius use to panic if he heard more than 1 or 2 shots in a row.

I took the dogs out and had a good cry leaning on the pasture gate in the freezing cold missing my Sirius.

We had zero intention of getting another dog after we lost Sirius but finding yet another dumped puppy that’s black must have been Sirius sending us a baby in need. I’m sure most people think that sounds silly but this is how it feels to us.

This depression is still holding on. It’s not massive but it’s enough to sadden me of course. I’m having to stay firmly in the present and tell myself 157 + times a day that I’ll be okay. I know it will pass eventually.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well

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Nammu · Nov 19, 2022, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Things are going okay with the new pup despite she’s a land shark at times. The joys of puppyhood parenting lol

Gus has gotten annoyed with Maddie off and on. He’s just setting her straight on whose the boss lol… she will learn quickly.

Early this morning I heard guns going off all around us ….hunting season has started. Sirius use to panic if he heard more than 1 or 2 shots in a row.

I took the dogs out and had a good cry leaning on the pasture gate in the freezing cold missing my Sirius.

We had zero intention of getting another dog after we lost Sirius but finding yet another dumped puppy that’s black must have been Sirius sending us a baby in need. I’m sure most people think that sounds silly but this is how it feels to us.

This depression is still holding on. It’s not massive but it’s enough to sadden me of course. I’m having to stay firmly in the present and tell myself 157 + times a day that I’ll be okay. I know it will pass eventually.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well

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I don’t think it sounds silly at all. Dogs know. They just do.

Nammu · Nov 19, 2022, 05:52 PM

Brrr it’s freezing here. Got colder as the day went on. It’s something like 14F with a wicked blowing wind that bites. So I’m assuming sub zero windshield temps. Was planning to go to Wally World to pick up a few things, but golly. Massive amounts of people and no parking anywhere. Decided on another day. Went to HyVee and picked out a cute evergreen planter with red bow and bright berries that I’ll put in the flower box with the two solar red birds after thanksgiving.

Also picked up the fixing for mulled wine. Gonna take that to thanksgiving too. Yesterday I thought I might be getting a cold after being outside but sleep took care of that. So far all indications are green for the thanksgiving dinner. As usual I’m bring my spicy green beans.

Oh oy, I’m so done with the early darkness. 4 pm and I gotta turn all the lights on.

~Christina · Nov 19, 2022, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Brrr it’s freezing here. Got colder as the day went on. It’s something like 14F with a wicked blowing wind that bites. So I’m assuming sub zero windshield temps. Was planning to go to Wally World to pick up a few things, but golly. Massive amounts of people and no parking anywhere. Decided on another day. Went to HyVee and picked out a cute evergreen planter with red bow and bright berries that I’ll put in the flower box with the two solar red birds after thanksgiving.

Also picked up the fixing for mulled wine. Gonna take that to thanksgiving too. Yesterday I thought I might be getting a cold after being outside but sleep took care of that. So far all indications are green for the thanksgiving dinner. As usual I’m bring my spicy green beans.

Oh oy, I’m so done with the early darkness. 4 pm and I gotta turn all the lights on.

Ooooooooooo I just couldn’t handle the weather you have !! We get nasty cold here be it’s not the entire winter. Apparently there’s some kind of catapillar that does something that is indicating a cold winter.. Or some kind of leaf doing something too … now I don’t have a lots of faith in those kinds things. I’ll just trust my Weather guy LOL

I loathe going to Hellmart but it’s a necessity sometimes. I bet the evergreen. Looks lovely.

Mulled wine Oooo it’s been years. Have a glass or 3 for me

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wildflowerchild25 · Nov 19, 2022, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

@wildflowerchild25 , I have gained weight on my meds but recently re-started metformin, so I'm hopeful that it helps in addition to eating healthier and exercising some . I'm not diabetic but metformin is sometimes used to combat weight gain from APs. I used to be on it a year or so ago and lost 25lbs while on it. It seems to help with the constant hunger I get from my meds.

Also your Thanksgiving dinner sounds delicious

Yes I’ve been reading about metformin and wondering if I should just ask my pdoc about it. Nothing ventured nothing gained I guess. I was eating like crap but I’ve recently changed my diet to more healthy options but I’m still up there in calories because I’m so hungry all the time. It’s infuriating!

Nammu · Nov 19, 2022, 09:35 PM

A word about metformin. I lost no weight on it but it did mess up my digestive system. I started having gag reflux when eating. If I laid down shortly after eating I’d throw up. Stopped the metformin and the problem went away. It’s not a magic pill for everyone.

Victoria'smom · Nov 19, 2022, 11:04 PM

I want to cry, and cry, and cry. Found out we gave the last of our money to miguel When he has enough for the next couple of months he is just worried not having XXXX in his account. I feel weird asking him for the money back. But we still have people we are missing gifts for. I found where I could get my meds for $50 and his for $25. Maybe just ask for $50 back? So I can get my medication I'm just hurt he took our last dollar when he still had. He decided not to go back to school. Which means he needs a way to get money. I want to get settled so we can all go back to therapy and pdocs. IDk I'm just annoyed, I want to SH but it'll only make things worse.

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Bipolar check-in #71

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