Family member triggers symptoms...advice?

Hello!

Does anyone have experience with a specific person triggering symptoms every time you see them? If so, do you have any advice for what I'm about to explain?

I live in a different state than my mom, and intentionally don't see her often because of things connected to my childhood, but whenever I do visit I end up in a hypomanic or mixed state and need to change my meds. This is of course not ideal, but is also concerning because I don't have a ton of med options because of how badly I get the side effects from such small doses of a lot of meds.

Oftentimes, just the preparation of going to see her negatively impacts my mental health.

I want to be able to go to the state my mom lives in because my godsons lives there, but I also am sick of needing med changes and having to deal with 2-3 months of a recovery period whenever I go visit...I would also like to be able to visit from time to time but don't know what to do because I also can't afford to become unstable every time I see her (or have a tough phone call with her).

Maybe you can reduce contact with her or just talk to the kids on Skype and have them visit.

Hi June08. I'm sorry that someone so close to you has become such a trigger. I definitely understand such a situation.

Lots of places, things, situations have been major episode triggers for me in the past. As for people, one was actually my last psychiatrist in the US, of all people. I had a rather significant transferance love for him and the anticipation of seeing him, alone, would cause mood elevation. Actually seeing him worsened it. Then he would see me hypomanic or manic and schedule the next appointment sooner than might have been otherwise. Repeat. Perhaps a little different than your situation, but still a "people" trigger. My moods started to stabilize better than ever after the pandemic struck and after moving to Europe. Away from face-to-faces with him.

Other than just not visiting your mom, which I assume you don't want, perhaps some CBT coping tools could be helpful. They have been, for me, in dealing with situation/place triggers. A particularly good one is pre-planning scenarios in your head of how you may react (process trigger) in healthy and balanced way. Really, I think understanding what your mom does/says that triggers you is crucial in this step.

I have a very similar situation myself, tolerating a toxic family member in order to have access to a family member I love and respect.

I second Soupe's recommendation about coping mechanisms. I would take some time to try and build that up. It'll suck not seeing your godsons for a while, but it would be worth it to build the resilience to handle whatever slings of misfortune she flings your way.

One recommendation I have would be to find ways to have some control, some agency in your interactions with her. Stuff like staying in a hotel if she tries to get you to stay with her. Or having a set time to leave her house. If there's a family get-together that you could meet everybody at rather than at their place, that might be good. Whatever can act as a pressure valve for your anxiety and frustrations and/or give you a way to get out of there if she starts affecting your mental health like she has.

The other thing I do is detach. Ever played Civilization? It's a computer game where you take a nation or empire from the beginning of history to the Space Age and beyond. As befitting such a game, you have a diplomacy screen where you can make treaties, demand or give tribute and more. The point I'm getting to is is sometimes the only way for me to stay on an even keel is to treat this family member (my dad) not as family but as a particularly aggressive city-state that you're sitting at the negotiating table with. In some small way, it makes his posturing seem less personal.

Aurelius710, great additional suggestions! I'll try to add them to my toolbox, too, for relevant people.

Thanks everyone!

@June08 Sevral years ago this book was of good help to me. May be you can look it up at Amazon and get some ideas if it perhaps can be something for you as well?

How to Manage Your Mother: Skills and Strategies to Improve Mother-Daughter Relationships Hardcover – January 1, 1992


by Nancy Wasserman Cocola (Author), Arlene Modica Matthews (Author)

Hello!

I live in the same state as my mom but try to avoid her as much as possible, like haven't seen her in years because she stresses me out so much and makes my anxiety skyrocket

I think if your mom triggers you to have episodes, you should avoid her. Your mental health comes first.