Depression, mixed, rapid cycling, cptsd, addiction or other?

I agree. Try getting some sleep.

How the hell do you expect me to do that? Literally the only things that can make me sleep are substances, and that's, like, an hour nap and I wake up feeling like shyt. I have not slept well since April.

I've tried so many different med combos too

I'm not sure, maybe start by avoiding things that might keep you up?

you don't think I've been doing that the past 3 years? It only works in winter.

For me personally, I can get over stimulated easily. Whether it be caffeine, too much socializing, stress, really anything that makes me over work my brain.

Hopefully you e found some sort of peace. Just wanted to say what I said earlier again, that it's okay to not have all the answers right now.

Can you talk to your pdoc? What did your therapist say during your phone appointment? Did she/he offer any insights?

What psych meds did you go off of? Do you think it would help if you started taking them again?

I *just* talked to my pdoc and I talk to her again on the 11th. My therapist said she thinks a lot of it is trauma and BPD stuff and she went through things she wants me to do for "harm reduction" (like, don't drink and drive, use clean needles, use protection, stay hydrated, etc). I went off of fluphenazine, lorazepam, and cariprazine and greatly reduced my diazepam, prazosin, and amantadine.

The fluphenazine and cariprazine were giving me akathisia, so actually harmful for sleep (not to mention insomnia is a side effect of cariprazine). The benzos I've grown a tolerance to so they don't do shyt. The prazosin just kinda made me trade in my PTSD dreams in for regular night terrors (which waking up from bad dreams is waking from bad dreams imo so why take a pill?) and amantadine doesn't affect sleep. My sleep is no different now than it was just before I reduced them.

That sucks

I was on prolixin for awhile and it just revved me up. I ****ing loathe prolixin! I don’t blame you for wanting off it. Have you tried Haldol or seroquel?

I'm on diazepam too. I've grown a tolerance too. I was also on prolixin for awhile and it wasn't helping so I went off it.

It sounds like your therapist gave you some good advice.

I was in your shoes almost three years ago. I went through a spiral of not sleeping, drugs, men and just about everything else. I ended up in jail.

Don't want anything bad to happen to you, so if you really need to slow down maybe a detox or another rehab will work this time - the rehab I went to really straightened me out plus the conviction I got that ruined my whole chance of ever finding a good job again.

You can go on like this for just so long before something gives out. Coming from someone who has been through it and suffered the consequences, I urge you to try and slow down or find somewhere safe to go.

No such thing as consequences when you're suicidal

Just barely escaped a DUI. Still kinda drunk from last night. Said "fk addiction, gonna go hiking today" and packed my shyt and left without realizing I still have some in me. Started headed down to the gas station and it became pretty obvious to me I should NOT be driving so I pulled in at the gas station, filled up, and came back home but on the way back I got pulled over and I t old the cop I was just wicked tired and that I had given up on my journey to go hiking and the motherfker let me go!
But yeah, instead of hikiing I'm just gonna stay home and get trashed again. Day 8.

I just want to call on=call but thtey changed the number and I lost the extensions to all my treatment team so I can't reach any of them until they open and I can call the treatment center and ask. I asked them on Friday what the new on call number was but it didnt work.

I just really hope my case manager calls today. It's the last day of the week she works. I'm considering IP whether that's another rehab or a psych ward depending on what they say would be better (would prefer a psych ward because that's like a week vs 30-90+days). I haven't had anything to drink in about 20 hours and I feel like absolute shyt.

Last night was my first night back on olanzapine. I've been in bed crying all day. I tried going for a walk, but got down to the end of my driveway felt freaked out and ran back in. My mom just made me take one of the cats out with her and even being in the yard was so anxiety provoking I just kept hearing "they'r'e after you, they're coming"

And throughout all this the only people concerned were you guys and some rando at the liquor store...

I think the samidorphan in my Lybalvi is actually reducing my cravings too. Not that I didn't drink today, but the urge was like at 30% of what it was. I mean, I think I can go without the rest of today.

Hell yeah

Now what do I do with this all consuming emptiness?

FCK THIS HOUSE!

My case manager better find a sober living place for me soon or I'm going to really lose it.

I have a 30 minute appointment with my pdoc on Tuesday and idk what to tell her. I don't want to spend 20 minutes talking about my relationship problems (she is really invested in this for some reason lol) and then 10 minutes about meds and then be pushed out the door without really getting a chance to mention how the rest of the team hates me (although they probably have discussed this with her) and that I feel like I'm getting inadequate treatment because of it.

No, I did not have a good time at the park.

Nevermind. Had some spicy af chili and am grateful for the power of the Carolina Reaper.