Am I bipolar?

First of all, I am sorry for this post. I know that none online can diagnose me. All I am asking for is an opinion if I am on the right track or completely off. I am not going to tell people I have bipolar based on some stranger’s opinion on the internet, I just want some sort of a guidance.

My biggest issue is that my symptoms usually don’t show on the surface. I don’t struggle at work, or with relationships or anything really, I just struggle inside. Therefore looking for help feels like I am an imposter, like my problems aren’t real because I know that there are people who are 10000 times worse off than me. Also I don’t know if subjective experience of my symptoms is enough to get diagnosed with anything at all. I just tell myself I might simply be very sensitive, moody and melancholic person and these things are my personality traits rather than a mental illness since I handle day to day life pretty well, above average I would even say. The reason why I am thinking about having bipolar is that I do experience periods of depression and periods that seem hypomanic but I don’t know if my symptoms are by far bad enough to actually get diagnosed.

During the ups I feel like the queen of the world. I do have thoughts like: “If I would want to, I could own the whole ****ing world.” I feel like I am at the top of everything, I feel lucky, happy, elevated and my thoughts are extremely fast. The thing is it’s actually great for my work, because that’s the time I usually work extra hours and feel driven and ambitious all the time. I am hyperfocused on my tasks and everything in my mind just clicks really fast. The job others do in an hour I complete really well in a few minutes and everyone including my boss is happy about that. I have fast reactions to any sort of external stimulation, I decide quick, act quick and everyone around just feels sluggish and lazy. It’s really a great feeling and during these periods I have already had 2 promotions, I have started several artistic projects with a really great vision that I wanna follow. I even feel sexier than normally but I have never cheated on my partner besides some texting with several men who were interested in me and I was just playing with them. Besides being really active at work, I don’t experience any negative symptoms. I don’t spend money recklessly, I don’t cheat, I don’t drive fast. I don’t start arguments, I don’t drink more than usual, I don’t say anything I wouldn’t normally say. The only negative effect I feel is that since my thoughts race through my mind really fast, I have trouble falling asleep and usually only sleep for 3 - 4 hours a day, I do have Xanax prescribed for the periods when I cannot fall asleep. I also tend to start a lot of artistic projects and work projects that I later find difficult to finish because it’s just too much. I would need 3 other lives to actually work on them all.

And then…I do have times like these when I just feel like all my hard work, all my activities, hobbies, everything I have started, everything I have done is completely meaningless and worthless. When I feel like I am meaningless and worthless myself. I am an imposter with no real talent, nothing original to offer to this world and I have no value. I have to fight myself to actually wake up and go to work but eventually I always go to work and no matter how ****** I feel, I always work as well as I can because I cannot imagine doing and being anything less. Today was the worst, any kind of slightly wrong comment was bringing me to the edge of crying, I could not explain why, the pain I was feeling was overwhelming, but instead of crying, I just smiled, made a joke and swallowed my tears. And right now I just had to get myself some wine because I not only feel worthless and sad but also angry on how ****** this whole world is and none is doing about it, none can really see me, understand me and I can’t deal with it anymore.

I think you have reason to talk to a therapist or a psychiastrist (pdoc). It could be bipolar, could be something else and could just be "you".

I always suggest people check out www.psycheducation.org to learn more about bipolar if they are interested. It's written by a psychiatrist who specializes in BP and was very helpful in realizing I had bipolar and what that looked like for me. I still check in there occasionally when I need information and I've been diagnosed for over 20 years.

I can put on a good show. It's not until I sit down and am real honest that my struggles become prominent. I suggest getting evaluated.

You write very well and many symptoms you are describing are textbook bipolar. True, you do not have them all but you have enough to go get checked out. Especially racing thoughts and not needing much sleep during the period of professional and artistic elevation.

Please do not self-medicate with alcohol which can only make things worse. Schedule an appointment, get a referral, do what is needed in UK to obtain access to a psychiatrist. Maybe track your moods before you get to see a psychiatrist.

There are many things that can seem like bipolar but isn’t. Be open to other Diagnosis and do get checked out physically to rule out organic causes.