[Victoria'smom]

So I talked to h about my thoughts. He wants me to tell my pdoc. It'll be the first time I meet him. I'm still dealing with lack of motivation and maybe depression but now I'm dealing with this. I don't see a pdoc for about 2 more weeks. I need a therapist to talk to I've been on a waiting lists for almost a year. I don't get it. I was doing really well with my thoughts. If I tell pdocs how do I tell him without giving the impression that my h is abusive or something?

[CANDC]

@Victoria'smom - sorry you are facing so many challenges right now. It is difficult to get therapists these days. There is an online therapy service which MSF links to https://betterhelp.com/mysupportforums
I do not know if they accept insurance that you have.

A free non therapy service but very helpful thread here at MSF is Doc Sam. They are not a person or a therapist but they respond in a fairly natural way to the questions or statements I post. It is not a replacement for therapy but if you care to try it go to this page https://mysupportforums.org/doc-sam/

There is a black chat box in the bottom of the page you can scroll down to that says

Hi! Welcome to Not Therapy. I'm not a therapist, but you can call me Doc Sam. To get started, it would be helpful to know what brings you to me today? Please tell me a little bit about you and your situation.

Click on the black chat box and type in anything you care to say or ask and it will respond.

I feel that it helped me a little and was nice to try if you care to try it.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

So I talked to h about my thoughts. He wants me to tell my pdoc. It'll be the first time I meet him. I'm still dealing with lack of motivation and maybe depression but now I'm dealing with this. I don't see a pdoc for about 2 more weeks. I need a therapist to talk to I've been on a waiting lists for almost a year. I don't get it. I was doing really well with my thoughts. If I tell pdocs how do I tell him without giving the impression that my h is abusive or something?

If you live in the states then there is a new number to call for help 988.
These are specialist and you can call them if you really need help or just a crisis management sounding board.I would suggest calling for you.I believe they can be assist you with these things that you are afraid, I believe it is anonymous.

Bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you both. I'm hesitant to reach out for help. Especially because I'm not caring for myself well. I'm eating, taking my meds and sleeping but that's about all I'm doing. Hanging out here too. I cook breakfast in the microwave and dinner in the oven everything else is individually packaged foods. I need to do my hair by my appointment. H is going to put money on the bus pass for me. I wish being a functioning adult wasn't so hard. I have no idea what the new pdocs will say. I'm going to ask for another therapist referral then. We'll see. I'm trying to make very limited food choices because our food budget got cut by over half. So I got cheap food like dried milk, ramen and box Mac and cheese. We have enough food to last us the month but it'll be boring. H wanted us to fix a thanksgiving meal but that's too expensive.

[MuddyBoots]

I would be honest with them anyways. As long as he's not abusive, and as long as you're able to convey that which you did well in this post so you're good there (you can even write down what you want to say if you think you'll go off course and start making shyt up. I know I do this because of memory problems/false memories/sometimes delusions)they won't think h is abusive.

Are there any good food pantries in your area? There's a church across the street from us that gives out some good stuff every wednesday.

[Victoria'smom]

So I talked a lot. I told him I was in bed for the past 6+ months and my history. I told him everything that is going on with h being out of town and told him I have anxiety. I didn't tell him about my fears and then most likely being psychotic in nature. I forgot to tell him I want to restrict. I just didn't know how to put it into words. He doesn't like that my husband is gone and that's my only support. He doesn't like my inability to get healthy food. So he put in for the food bank there, ordered an EKG to raise my latuda, and put in a second referral for a therapist. He told me to call 988 if I need to. He says he won't force medication. That he's there as a consultant. But he understood. I don't trust him enough to tell him my crazy. Maybe next week.

[MuddyBoots]

Totally understand the trust thing. It's hard with someone new. Nevertheless, it sounds like it was a productive appointment. Even if you didn't get everything out, seems like you told him a lot anyways, and I'm proud of you for that

Do not fear calling, texting, or online chatting with 988 if you need to. When I'm pissed at the ACT team I go to them and they don't really give advise, but it's good to get things out and get immediate responses and validation from someone.

[Victoria'smom]

We're ****ed. We needed 4 brand new tires. There went the money to get him home and our bill money. Luckily we were able to pay rent and insurance. But everything else just needs to wait.

We have inspection on the 5th. Can't do most clean up, can't hire someone, going to fail. I had to buy a dog cage because I have my pdoc appointment that day. Victoria's room just has a path to her bed and computer.

My meds have to change because my heart's having an issue. I'm running out of choices. I'm having trouble eating.

Things were looking up down south but my nephew just got dropped as a patient. So now we're scrambling to find him a new team that can see him ASAP. So it maybe 2+ months before I see my husband again. 3+ months without a proper shower. I'm taking sponge baths but it's not the same. Victoria isn't helping as much as I need her too so I'm eating meals I can just heat alone. It's not her fault. She's trying but she has a life too.

I'm trying to be positive but I'm so beaten down. I wanted to order food today just so that's one less thing I have to worry about. Nothing fancy just a sandwich, can't. I've run out of things I can just heat up to eat, can't order more.

I don't want to rely on Victoria because I don't think she can take on much more. She's dealing with the end of the semester and everything is she doesn't finish she gets kicked out of the program. So these next weeks are important.

I'm still having anxiety over unrealistic thoughts and now all this.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Have you considered applying for the community fund drive thing on here?

[Victoria'smom]

I haven't. I don't even know which fire to put out first. I feel stupid for not being able to cook regular food and like a toddler for the things I'm willing to eat right now. I want to say come home and we'll figure something out for my nephew but I can't do that. He can't come here but they have no one willing to help out. He's in a worse position than when my husband got there.

I have to accept we'll fail, maybe a fine but I just can't do everything and neither can she. Hopefully they'll give us time.enough that we can get back on our feet. I didn't expect an inspection. And just a couple days notice. I'm just overwhelmed. It should be okay in the end.

Just sucks right now.

[unaluna]

I fail my apartment inspections all the time. Mostly they just want to make sure the plumbing is all working, and smoke alarms. If there is a hoarding situation, they will offer to work with you, like get social services involved if you want.

Right now i am waiting for a return visit, who knows when. Its waaaaay harder to work on a place when you are stressed out. I have paths too. The inspectors want a fire escape path of like 30 inches so they can carry you out on a stretcher. The rest they say its your choice how to live.

I only microwave too. Rice cups, canned fish, tortillas, bread, peanut butter, cookies, lettuce and fruit or fruit cups are my regular foods.i i bought a small fridge to put my insulin in last year and keep lettuce in it.

[Victoria'smom]

We moved from a larger space to a smaller space. Most of Victoria's things are still packed without places to going. We've only been here not quite a year. We want to move but can't afford to. Victoria has unbuilt furniture in her room and things like that. I can't help with and she has no motivation so hopefully this helps. I think we're going to do 2 rooms a day. One in the AM and one in the PM starting tomorrow.

[Victoria'smom]

So I begged for h to come home. He can't. I spilled dinner all over the floor. Cried. Had French toast sticks for dinner instead. I can't do this. Victoria slept till 6 pm and then went to play her game. I just can't.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm drowning, I can't do this. No one seems to care. I don't want to be hospitalized for Christmas. I don't want to be at my parents house with Victoria here. It could be two months+ before I see h again. We can't do this. I'm scared to tell h he has to come home because my nephew has no one. I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm unsafe but it's not going well.

[MuddyBoots]

Can you write a letter explaining everything so you don't freeze up or back out and make an emergency pdoc appointment? Surely something can be done with your meds despite an abnormal EKG. My EKGs always come back with arrythmias, they just stay away from certain meds like Loxapine.

[Victoria'smom]

I have an appointment on Tuesday with him. The current stressful situation passes on Tuesday too. I'm going to ask him about the pantry because I can't live off box Mac and cheese, ramen, and French toast sticks. I'm not eating chicken and my food list is getting real small. Like that's my list currently. I haven't even bothered to get milk because it goes bad. I'm just going to see what he says about the heart abnormalities. We want to change my meds anyway because I'm depressed. But we'll see the options. Maybe zyprexa was a better match for me made me sleep but whatever. I was up and around. I hate inspections. It makes me feel my house isn't mine. Usually I stay in the room and not talk but this time I'll be outside in the NE with my dog because they want access to all the rooms and my dog will be doing what she's trained to do which is bark at strangers in the house. I don't want to answer questions or anything.. I just hate this.

[raspberrytorte]

I hate inspections too. I always feel like our apartment isn't clean enough or something.

[MuddyBoots]

Ay, we have pdoc appointments the same day
I hope both your pdoc appointment and inspection go smoothly

[Victoria'smom]

Good luck with your pdoc appointment.

[Victoria'smom]

We failed will now have a list of things we have to do by the 12th. Matenance will be in. I'm okay with it. I thought it was HUD. Bad news I can't go to my parents because of this. I really needed to go. Now waiting for the pdocs.

[MuddyBoots]

How did pdocs go?

[Victoria'smom]

So he upped the latuda. So I have like a week or two of getting sick. Then another EKG in two weeks. H was bummed I didn't tell him why I'm anxious. I did tell him I didn't want a complete overhaul. But next it's going to be zyprexa again but the one that's not weight gaining. He told me not to worry about him running out of ideas. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable with the plan. He's a little worried because I'm too agreeable right now. He'll get to know me. He wants me to email him any side effects. And he'll see me in a month. He did ask why h thinks I'm depressed. I said I'm the optimistic one and I'm not being optimistic. Didn't tell him I almost

Possible trigger:

purged, cut and cried most of last week. Or that part of me thinks my husband will kill me upon coming home.

He'll get to know me. Know I'm agreeable when I'm desperate.

[Victoria'smom]

So the PTSD clinic called wanting to put me on the waiting list. I was confused, they were confused, but I'm on the wait-list for their therapy. I don't think my issues stem from trauma but under treated Sza. But we'll see what the clinician says. I guess that's what I get for not explaining myself. I know why I'm anxious. I know it's crazy so I don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to admit I'm crazy. Especially to a person I met for an hour. I'm so discouraged. I can't breathe knowing everything is going to fall apart and I may end up in the hospital. I don't even know how to get the words out.

Possible trigger:

Yeah I truly believe my husband is going to kill me at some point shortly after he gets home

at this point I don't want him home. Won't tell him that. Because people just snap sometimes. This is making me nauseous just thinking about this. Why do I have to be crazy? Why can't I just be honest? Why does getting therapy here have to be so hard? This will seriously effect my relationship when he gets home. I don't want anyone to think there's an ounce of truth in my thoughts because there's not. I feel like I just made everything a whole lot worse. It's like I can't be honest with these people. Yes I'm psychotic, yes I'm dealing with eating issues, I can't cook, I haven't actually took a real shower in a month and a half or more and I can't until my husband gets home. But I'm anxious about him coming home. Why can't they just ask why I'm anxious? Why do I answer "not currently" when asked self destructive thoughts. Because I'm not having them that second. I wish they asked when the last time you've had x thoughts. I don't see pdocs for another month unless my EKG is bad. So that's the 8th. I need to explain if I don't have a therapist he needs to ask follow up questions. Maybe they'll get me in this month. I feel like I ****ed it all up. And for some stupid reason feel like I shouldn't take my meds for ****ing it all up.

[Victoria'smom]

So I realized I'm not conveying myself. I'm depressed because I don't care if he does that. I care that he would get into trouble. That's why I'm anxious.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

So I realized I'm not conveying myself. I'm depressed because I don't care if he does that. I care that he would get into trouble. That's why I'm anxious.

That doesn't sound bad, when you say it that way.

Just tell people's you don't care if your husband comes home and kills you, you just care that he would get in trouble for it.