Bipolar Check-in #80

I took a 2 or 3 hour nap till 4 today. I hope I can sleep tonight since I have to be up for my Pdoc appointment.

I feel anxious about being able to sleep tonight. At the same time there is too much time until bedtime. At least it’s almost 7.

Today was a pretty good day, in part because of how much caffeine I had. I chose to ignore the fact that a drink I got contained 4 shots of espresso. Once the caffeine hit, I felt hypomanic (I've had this happen a couple of times before when I've had a high amount of caffeine in a short amount of time). Not gunna lie, it was helpful because the caffeine energy was stronger than the depression symptoms I've been having so I felt better and got more done. Definitely shouldn't make that much caffeine in one drink a habit though.


Last night and tonight, I took 2 mg PRN of risperidone instead of just 1 mg. I felt much more grounded today, and didn't want to destroy anything that made me mad. Tomorrow, I plan on going back down to must 1 mg PRN on top of my regular dose-I want to do anything I can to try and keep my daily dose at 1 mg so don't want my brain getting to used to the higher doses.

My brain zaps are becoming less frequent, it's much more manageable now.

Looking forward to them being completely gone when the Rexulti takes more effect in the coming days.

I think there's something seriously wrong with me right now.

I looked at my pillbox this morning. I was on Sunday. How do you miss an entire day? I puked this morning because I must have not taken my meds all day yesterday (?) and not realized it and didn't feel better until I took my morning dose and a zyrtec because of my stupid allergies and I get puky when I don't take my seroquel so I took one when I got up right away but then puked and thought I puked it up so I took another one but not must have and now I'm feeling awfully sleepy.

But I must take a shower and get ready. Busy day ahead!

We're fish and cats are worms.

I'm being stalked, and I can't go to the police because this person, who will take full advantage of this, has dirt on me that could get me into more trouble than he will especially when he has more evidence than I do. What the actual fk. I'm dealing with this on my own though. My super power is making no one want to be around me apparently, but this dude is my green-kool-aid-cult-ritual-screamer-fcckboi-worshipping-Romeo-rebound-*****-snatching-harlot-hopping-slut-shaming-clam-chowder-with-tomatoes-eating kryptonite. He is tracking my location.

Don't fk with crackheads. They'll put tiny little invisible spiders on you that you just feel, can't see, but see your arm hairs moving and little bolts of lightning around when they catch a firefly. But, noooooo, I don't have anywhere else to go so it's either couch hopping and getting kicked out of basements in the sketchiest parts of town at midnight or do some dispersed camping forever. Looking for work again. So I can work two weeks, have a mental breakdown and wind up IP or in jail, and lose my benefits.

I feel pretty good today. I was throwing up a lot around 1AM but I had energy this morning to take a shower. I got an iced matcha which I threw up. But I've been out of my room all day and in my moms room watching TV. My stomach doesn't hurt but I did take Tyelnol earlier. Tommorow is my second opinion appointment.

I wish my frigging pysch med increases would have taken care of these physical issue. I really don't want to go to that big top 10 hospital. I did take a picture of myself today and I look a lot better mental health wise then I did in the one I took before the med increases.

So at least they are helping out my mental health.

I thought I was going to throw up lunch so I quickly took a pepcid and it worked.

I just bought my husband a mahogany fender acoustic/electric guitar. it was a but impulsive but he really misses having an acoustic. and it was on sale for a good price to be honest. my best friend BJ has an upgraded amp he wants to give him as well. i was gonna wait til christmas but i just canT!!

I went and got bloodwork done for my psychiatrist today. Just routine stuff and checking my trileptal levels. I see him on Wednesday. I'm not manic anymore that's for sure. So the abilify increase helped a lot, and the thorazine increase as well, and stopping the zoloft. I'm at 20mg Abilify now. I'm hoping he can start tapering me off the thorazine now that I'm okay on the abilify. I've kind of gone the other direction now and am a bit depressed. I just want to be on a simplified med combo. Not like 5-6 meds like I used to be on. My goal is to just be on the trileptal and abilify since those two help me the most. Right now I'm just on three meds and one PRN which I hardly take the PRN. So my main meds are abilify, thorazine and trileptal.

So yeah that's the goal. Just get off the thorazine. Then I'll just be on Trileptal 1500mg , Abilify 20mg, and propranolol PRN 10mg

I'm glad your mania is under control but sorry now you have some depression. Sometimes it's like you just can't win.

I have a prescription for Trileptal too but was prescribed it by my neurologist to help with peripheral neuropathy. It hasn't really helped the neuropathy, so I just stopped taking it. I didn't realize it is used to treat bipolar as well.

Niiiice! I’ve never tried out Fenders (all my gitters I actually owned were cheap Yamahas, but they’re nice too. Got to rock a few Gibsons including a Les Paul and OMG!!!). They’re supposedly really versatile, and I’ve heard a few people complain about Fender as a whole and I’ve noticed they’re not too popular around here, but there are a lot of Gibson worshippers around that do shyt like buy a $200 hoodie from them. That’s about what I paid for a brand new Pacifica lol.

Ughhhh now I want to go to a Guitar Center and piss everyone off playing forbidden riffs, not buy anything, and leave. (Don’t do that)

edit: talked to the good ole' CM. She says I'm either withdrawing and hopes it's that or beginning to get psychotic. Withdrawing doesn't make sense because it's not like I drank that much for that long and I was fine-ish other than a little tremory and a headache. But psychosis doesn't make sense either. I am trying to think of why she would think that, but can't come up with anything.

From several brain zaps per minute to a couple per hour! What a big change and what a relief.

Can't wait for the warmer weather so I can go to the clothing optional beach! I last went 4 years ago and I've gained weight but that's ok

Talked with my friend the used to be brain drug researcher turned therapist today on the phone. He’s a good person. He says to keep him updated on how I’m doing on the new invega dose.

I just you know, got off. Which I rarely have the urge to do anymore but my stomach was pretty upset and I was barfing and so I thought it would help. And after, I was bleeding a lot. Now I'm kinda freaked out.

Should I just be honest with the doctor tommorow?

This is a religious hospital.

If I go back to my gynecolgist she may just say I'm too tense again and send me back to PT. Who might want to do internal PT this time. And I think my PT is hot and I really don't want to get turned on when she has her finger up my hoo hah.

You started bleeding after having an O? I'd be freaked out too! Definitely tell your doctor. That's not normal.

Ugh!!!! Fukk!!! It's summer vacation, which means no school, which means our daughter has a later bedtime and my husband said he has to practice his bass tonight. I'm never getting any!!!! It's been since WEDNESDAY MORNING now. I'm going out of my mind.

I saw this second counselor I'm starting to see for CBT type stuff for the second time today. She also laughed when I told her about how, if my irritability gets to a point when I'm tempted to rear end people, I know I need to take my PRN. With two counselors laughing at this, it makes me wonder what tone of voice is coming out when I explain it. Or, maybe I need to explain that this symptom, while it might seem funny to some, is pretty distressful to me because it's my wake-up call to being hypomanic which means I immediately start analyzing how long I've been this way and how it has been impacting my behavior without me noticing. It also causes dread/worry about the depressive crash that I know will follow.


I met my new neighbors today. They seem like really cool, down to Earth people.

Ughh, hate it when counselors don't take you seriously when you point out an early warning sign. I'm always a tad scattered brained, but when I start going up, I literally have to write on my hand "go to the bathroom" when I start feeling like I have to in the midst of or right before doing something I have to do, or once my CM came to the apartment I was staying at after I made an attempt to clean and, not to be tmi, but in my frenzy of starting the most miniscule of tasks that take 5 seconds I screw it up and there were snowshoes in the recycling bin, nipple clamps on the coffee table, and a bagless vacuum in the middle of the room. She of course laughed at the haphazardity of the place and made a comment about how I apparently can't be left unsupervised doing chores. Nevermind the fact my brain was incredibly screwed up, and reacting that way to an irritable, impulsive person probably was something she should've tried to not do...

Can you explain to the counselor it's not a normal thought for you, it always precedes (hypo)mania, and the meaning behind those thoughts are worrisome for you and that her response was upsetting?

I be having bleeding issues too. Not post-genital sneeze, but weird shyt for me. No period since March either, but I have a feeling I really fccked myself up in April and now amenorrhea is a thing again. Yayyyyyyy, but not really because I still need absorbent crap in my crotch covers for 10 drops of blood a day. A crap load of condom-less sex also kinda puts a thought in my head, but I have an IUD so any zygote would be in a tube which is also a fun thought.

I was walking outside today and this random kid like 5 years old aggressively told me he loves me. Dude, you're 5, should you be walking in the most crime ridden area of town without an adult telling strangers you love them? I'm not going to lie, it was cute though.

eta: Ughhh looked for ways to become any fccking job I won't kill myself doing that has a salary at or above the cost of living, and of course that led to looking up higher ed shyt and THE WORLD IS MISSING OUT BY MAKING ME NOT WANT TO PAY A GAZILLION DOLLARS FOR A PAPER PROVING I KNOW WHAT A FCCKING R-VALUE IS SO I CAN TELL PEOPLE "YES, THERE IS A 98% CHANCE ACID JAZZ CAUSES THOUGHTS OF MOVING TO LOUISIANA!"

Been a while since I checked in. I agree with others that social media has a way of taking folks aways from forums like this, and also COVID had brought a lot of people here that have just since disappeared. I remember years ago too, I loved being here and still do, but the crowd has definitely thinned out.

I am feeling pretty good overall. Having a really good time with my new boyfriend, who has helped me heal so much from my ex. I've stopped wondering on whether or not it was too soon to get into another relationship, but all I know is I am enjoying it, and enjoying sex a lot more than I ever had, which is unusual because like others have said, meds used to affect that a lot.

Sleep has been becoming an issue. Not that I feel mania, but being sober has honestly helped me feel certain feelings that I never could before. Even with my CPAP, I am averaging about 6 hours a night when I used to get a full 8. Life has slowed down as well, where things are becoming clearer about my future - I can't tell you guys enough about what it's like to be with someone who doesn't drink or smoke - I never realized how much of a difference it has made.

My doctor is discontinuing my Lithium. I have always feared that medicine, just because of the damage I know it causes. Someone else had mentioned Risperdone, I take 2mg at night, and I think that does the trick for me. It's a very helpful medicine.

Just overall, I feel really good. I did have an inclination to take a drink on Sunday though. I went to a funeral for a friend who was only 30 years old. I saw a lot of old friends, and even though it was really good to see them, being there and feeling all that sadness made me crave a drink, which I haven't in a long time. Came home and had some ice cream though and that helped, but I am very much aware that my addiction is still doing sit ups in the corner getting stronger while it's waiting for me to give in.