Bipolar Check-in #80

10 years ago when I moved into this house my therapist told me I'd know I was settled into my home when I knew where the light switches are. That seemed sensible until this morning when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and apparently didn't know where the entire door was. I smacked straight into the doorframe with my forehead. I've gone to the bathroom in the dark a thousand times here but this morning I guess I just forgot. I'm fine, just a bump and a bruise. This has not been my month.


Still anxious about my therapist going on medical leave but trying to stay calm about it. I can't do much about it until I can talk to him next week. And I'm not sure even that is going to help much. What's he supposed to say, that he won't do it because I'm anxious? I think this is also raising anxiety about what it will be like when he retires in 2 years and this feels like a practice run for that.

I keep trying to remember this will be completely over in 12 weeks or less and that is not such a long time.

Been feeling damn bugs crawling on me
Tonight. Can’t wait to pick up my meds
From pharmacy tomorrow.

Last night was kinda scary. I was sleeping and then I woke up coughing and then I started just puking my guts out. Like really forcefully. Something is not right. No way is that normal.

I've decided to go on my trip tommorow. Last night spooked me a bit. Today wasn't terrible. I went and did a grocery pick up. My stomach was fairly calm until I went to lie down and threw up a bunch of raspberries. I have some pain and cramping.

But I have my Carhart sling backpack packed for tommorow and I'll see how I handle things any better then being at home.

I woke up because of loud fireworks and because I had a dream where I was getting my period and I needed food fast or I'd have a freak out. I haven't gotten a period since April 6th 2020. The cramps were just stomach related stuff. I've been eating a lot of grain free pasta and fruit.

@Mountaindewed I hope you are able to enjoy your trip and that your health issues don't really act up while you are on it!

I found a friend who is willing to stay the night with me when I get my endoscopy! My friends are saints. Since I don't have family here, my friends have done a ton for me these past few years to help me out, including when I couch hopped for six weeks when I first, in a very unexpected turn of events, ended up moving back here with 48 hours notice.

Counseling went okay today. It's an adjustment getting used to this new counselor because she has a plan of strategies she wants to teach me but I do more talking/filling in her in on things with my other counselor. This new counselor wants me to practice two different strategies each day (twice a day per strategy) and to take notes on how they go. After counseling, I got lunch with a friend and went with her to see Inside Out 2.

I'm noticing a new pattern when I'm pretty depressed-even though I know how miserable it is, I find myself tempted to try and trigger hypomanic, or even full on manic, symptoms. A bipolar buzz just sounds better than depression sometimes and I think it's just my brains way of telling me it wants an escape from reality.

Just kind of sitting existing today. Just in a lull period I guess with not a whole lot going on. Just really tired and moody. This thing about my thyroid really being off scares me, but it does make sense as to why I can't lose any weight. I know my diet is horrible, and I am not doing much of any exercise. Just feel like I am drowning a bit. God, why aren't we ever just happy?

I made it ok to our hotel. I didn't puke until we got into our room although I was struggling about 10 minutes before we got here. I took a zofran and I feel mid right now. Kinda not all that great physically and my anxiety is a bit high. I think I'll take a shower in the hotel shower. I haven't showered since Monday. I know thats gross, but I didn't go anywhere and I was alone on the elevator.

Tommorow I have to make one stop at a store. I honestly just went with my mom and my brother because my physical symptoms were getting too intense for me to feel comfortable being left alone.

I did get a good 4th of July deal on a Cahartt duck insulated flannel lined winter coat. I have my walmart gift card to use for food this month.

I took a shower and it was so nice. My shower at home is small and dark. This was the size an actual shower should be and it was brightly lit. And they had unisex Dove Shampoo conditoner, and body wash. I guess anyway to shower at this point works.

Does anyone think Biden is not going to make it much longer? Like I mean legit not make it? Pushing up dasies to put it politely.

Man does my stomach hurt badly. I've gone to the bathroom twice. I was just listening to this podcast on my drive about what these 2 people would do if they shyt a hotel bed.

I feel numb, but overwhelmingly emotional if that makes sense. Was on a ride with a friend to a dispensary in MA.

So yup. Hoping those folks can deal with that as well as a family can.

Doing OK here. H is freaked Trump will win the presidency (I am too) and wants to get the F out of this country. He is seriously looking into applying to overseas jobs. Don't know what is going to come of that though there actual is a job in Ireland that fits his skill set perfectly though it would be a long shot. The political climate in this country scares the F out of me too; I halfway think it's a huge part of my anxiety and panic lately.

Not meaning to debate politics or anything here. Sorry for an unpatriotic post on the 4th of July.