Bipolar Check-in #80

raspberrytorte · Jun 23, 2024, 11:07 PM

Whew! FINALLY got my period, eight days late. I was really starting to freak out there! Much as I love Husband and he's my whole world right now and all I can concentrate on is HIM I don't want to have anymore of his babies. Lol. That would not be good. Not at my age. I couldn't imagine going through all that AGAIN. Omg I would DIE. It would be TERRIBLE. For me having a baby was a journey best taken once, not multiple times. I'm very happy my baby is now twelve going on thirteen in October. 💕 I know that soon she'll want to start separating from us and spending more and more time hanging out with her friends and doing her own thing, so I'm going to just enjoy her at this age for now. Mostly self sufficient. Still likes hanging out with mom and dad, but also spends time with her friends.

I don't know. I'm getting all emotional and shyt. I don't know how she grew up so fast! It seems like just yesterday we were watching care bears after pre-k and eating vegan mac & cheese for lunch! Today a memory from twelve years ago came up on my Facebook feed of Husband holding Daughter when she was a baby. He looks REALLY young in the picture. Obviously she looks young! So cute.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 24, 2024, 03:06 AM

And the Benadryl agitation has officially kicked in. I'm wide awake at 4 AM. I can't relax. I'm about to go do the dishes just because it is bothering me that the dishwasher needs loaded.

I emailed my family dr for hydroxyzine. At least I know that won't send me flying.

I hate meds.

Victoria'smom · Jun 24, 2024, 07:20 AM

In about a week I go to my parents house for a month, I don't want to go. I've been having terrible anxiety over it. I don't want to leave Victoria, I don't want to leave my dog and I don't want to leave my h. I have no choice. I'm going to be picking up the service dog which the closer it gets I feel bad for my current dog. My dad is picking up me and the car. Then we will not have a car anymore. I don't like all these changes. I feel I have limited time with Victoria but I also have limited time with my parents. Oh h got into the writing class on a full scholarship. Hopefully this will boost him into the full year program in August. I'm so excited for him. I don't want my life to change. So much is changing.

HALLIEBETH87 · Jun 24, 2024, 10:38 AM

Well school starts again in two weeks. Going to a bleugrass festival this weekend. my bestie is a roadie for dierks bentley so he got me free tickets to the show. looking forward to it!!! no more seeing stuff and feeling bugs thank god. see t on wednesday and he will lecture me i know. he cares i guess but he can be an *** at times.

Mountaindewed · Jun 24, 2024, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Well school starts again in two weeks. Going to a bleugrass festival this weekend. my bestie is a roadie for dierks bentley so he got me free tickets to the show. looking forward to it!!! no more seeing stuff and feeling bugs thank god. see t on wednesday and he will lecture me i know. he cares i guess but he can be an *** at times.

Haven't you graduated twice already now? What are you in school for now?

HALLIEBETH87 · Jun 24, 2024, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Haven't you graduated twice already now? What are you in school for now?

Nope only graduated once with my bachelors last year. I am working on my masters now. should be done next year.

Mountaindewed · Jun 24, 2024, 11:01 AM

I woke up last night around 11 in stomach pain. I took tylenol. Then I woke up at 3 and threw up a bunch of times. At 6:30 I thought I'd have the energy to go out to eat and go shopping. I did take a shower. But idk. I just felt really sick and tired. I went to get Sonics new lemonade ice creamsicle thing and then spent 15 minutes projectile vomiting. I just ordered groceries instead. I feel better stomach wise but I'm just worn out.

I'm supposed to go to a family bbq out of state next month. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle the ride, the hotel, and the bbq. I guess maybe I just don't eat for 36 hours.

Blueberrybook · Jun 24, 2024, 11:21 AM

I saw the eye doctor this morning. Whew! A 1-year supply of daily contact lenses practically breaks the bank. Now, I'm waiting for the dilation to wear off.

Moodwise, I'm doing fine. No dark depressive thoughts like I had most of the spring. No nightmares these past few nights, so I've been sleeping pretty well.

Blueberrybook · Jun 24, 2024, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

And the Benadryl agitation has officially kicked in. I'm wide awake at 4 AM. I can't relax. I'm about to go do the dishes just because it is bothering me that the dishwasher needs loaded.

I emailed my family dr for hydroxyzine. At least I know that won't send me flying.

I hate meds.

I'm sorry about the agitation. Hydroxyzine should help with that. I used to be on a lower dose of it to help with anxiety and sleep.

MuddyBoots · 04:22 PM

Met someone in the area in a hiking group on fb and we did one of the easier hikes here, but it has nice views and it's an easy drive once you get out of the city.

Bipolar Check-in #80

There were funnel clouds yesterday caught on video, but there was no evidence of a debris cloud or any other indication they touched down. The storm pretty much went from just west of the biggest city in NH straight towards I think the 5th most populated city, so that was fun to watch on the news. Meanwhile on Mt. Washington it was gusting around 90mph and they're up there going, "yup, not much worse than usual, nice to go out with out all the people."

Ahh I just looked at the news, and I guess they're saying it did touch down as an EF1 for 3.6 miles. Not even the cell they were worried about further north of us. THAT cell was actually about 30 miles west of us (actually probably 10 miles if you go in the direction of the left side of the first photo). I want to see if we lose power here how much quicker it'd be restored than in bumfck nowhere and an ice storm leaves you without electricity and water for over two weeks...

Victoria'smom · Jun 24, 2024, 04:11 PM

Victoria has decided to withdraw from school. I want to do something special for her. I know she didn't graduate but she's done a lot and has fought hard but her teams leaving and she's going back into PHP because 3 years of suffering without relief is ridiculous.

Mountaindewed · Jun 24, 2024, 04:39 PM

I got a bottle of Emetrol nausea tablets and I took 2 around noon. That stuff worked so well. My nausea and vomiting dissapeared. And it doesn't make me drowsy or hungry.

I am improving my diet. I didn't have any coffee today or candy.. I started eating fruit the other day.. With like 3 or 4 tablespoons of whipped cream the calories aren't bad. I've been eating hearts of palm noodles. And drinking a crap ton of water. Its been making a difference in how I feel.

I can't really afford to eat this way. My medical bills are high and I have therapy every week and then Spotify which I need in order to sleep decently every night. And I'm on a med that costs $450 for a 3 month supply. But hopefully things work out.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 24, 2024, 04:41 PM

@Mountaindewed Is the $450 med name brand or generic?

Scooter9 · Jun 24, 2024, 04:46 PM

My anxiety is really bad today. Klonopin didn't do anything today and my 72 hour antiperspirant lasted just 2 hours.

I think I'm starting to get paranoid. I'm watching everyone around me and suspecting things. Trying to counter balance that with reality checks.

Mountaindewed · Jun 24, 2024, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

@Mountaindewed Is the $450 med name brand or generic?

Its my weekly injections. I have to get them delivered to my house from a speciality pharamacy several states away. Its the only pharamacy that carries this one. I'm paying without insurance because for some reason with my insurance it would be over $700.

Its really made a difference though in my moods and anxiety.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 24, 2024, 04:50 PM

I was just wondering if you'd have an option for patient assistance but if it's a specialty pharmacy unfortunately you won't.

Glad you don't have to pay $700 and that it works.

bizi · Jun 24, 2024, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Today I called my mom. I'm going to try and reconcile things. More for my benefit honestly. I want my money, my mail, and my car (I mean technically the title is under her name, but I kissed an engineer's a*s for a discount and paid for it, and paid for anything going into it). She's pretty easy to manipulate. When you're her emotional and physical slave for long enough, she will do the basics like not light your shyt on fire, but when you can't keep that up, she's happy to kick you out now that you're a burden for not being trusted to get your meds after sleeping 10 hours in the prior week and taking her up on her offer to pick them up as she passes the pharmacy on her way home.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being selfish and should just let her keep my mail, do whatever she wants with money that's supposed to go towards my expenses (while I'm in over $50,000 in medical debt for three months of treatment that they want me to go through again for the same disease because it didn't work), and let a car I paid for and kept up with sit in her yard while I walk up to 15 miles a day should I want to go to therapy, go to the library, and get food in the same day.

I started writing again too. Just journaling. More like thoughts that pop up that are fccking hilarious but also incredibly sick, offensive, or both. Thanks creepy, bigoted old men that were in my life from before I could walk until the day I found out my dad died!!

I am sorry for your lot.

June08 · Jun 24, 2024, 09:34 PM

I had a good appointment with my pdoc today. He prescribed me 45 2 mg tablets of risperidone for the month so I can play around with the dose a bit as my body figures out its new normal taking the meds my gyno gave me. I've got some stuff that typically triggers symptoms coming up too, so this gives me the flexibility to take care of this as needed. The plan is to stick between 1 mg and 3 mg, but he said even going up to 4 mg if absolutely necessary would be okay. I'm so grateful he trusts me to play with my dose of risperidone a bit without more supervision on his end than necessary. I imagine not all pdocs would be willing to let me do this, especially without having more appointments than normal. I see him again in a month.

A second highlight of today is my depression symptoms weren't so bad. I finally tackled a very simple/short work task that I just couldn't get myself to do until today!

bizi · Jun 24, 2024, 09:48 PM

congratulations jane so happy for you.
keep up hope that your life continues
to be lifted up so you feel better and
better as time goes forward and you
have better control of your meds and life.
bizi

Blue_Bird · Jun 24, 2024, 10:53 PM

I have work tomorrow at 10am. Not sure how long the shift is probably about 5 hours again. I get my schedule finally tomorrow as well. I went to bed super early, like 7pm so it's going on midnight now and I just woke up. I'm probably up for the day. I need to be up early to mop before I leave for work cause my apartment inspection is at 11am while I'm at work. I've been cleaning the past 5 days to catch up on it since I slacked a lot on it while I was depressed. After I get home from work I'm gonna get on the treadmill for 45 minutes to relieve some stress.

LadyShadow · Jun 24, 2024, 11:15 PM

Just an up and down day. Probation was awful. I really hate doing this every month, it's sickens me. I had a harsh dose of reality today in romanticizing my relationship with my ex. That man had all his charges dropped and I have to carry all the charges plus a horrible criminal record. I really hate him. I just hate everything about him even though I know hate is a strong word. I battle with feelings back and forth all the time about how I loved him, but really was all of that really love, or just a codependent toxic mess? Just cried and screamed for most of the day today when I found out I may have to go back down to the horrible jail again to do fingerprinting and DNA. This will be the THIRD effing time they are asking for that. I did all of this nonsense the day I was arrested, and I just went back in April to do it AGAIN and now it's not showing up in my probation officer's computer. I can't take this crap I really can't. And that's a word I haven't used in a while, "can't."

My boyfriend is amazing though, he really got me through it. He reminded me I have a lot of people in my life, and I shouldn't go through this alone. My story is an inspiration to so many others, and I am living the life I had always prayed for now that I am clean and sober. But still, it was a painful day. Glad I was able to call some friends and watch a movie tonight. Now I am just talking to my boyfriend and trying to enjoy the rest of the night.

MuddyBoots · Jun 25, 2024, 11:47 AM

Looking for work again and everything around here is either a coffee shop or at the mall (no fccking way am I working in a mall unless it's over$20/hr and THAT isn't happening).

Pissed man. My CM yesterday kept drilling me on housing apps, but I'm pretty fccking sure I've applied to every single income-based housing in NH there is. Apply to every state in the US I guess?

Mountaindewed · 02:32 PM

I don't feel good today. I got an iced lavender matcha from that coffee shop and then I just started puking it up almost immediatly. Then I went to the bathroom a couple times too. I had therapy in 45 minutes. But I knew I'd have to switch to virtual. She was nice and we decided on in person on Thursday instead. So I got into bed and puked a few more times in my bucket. And now I just feel blah. My stomach still hurts and I'm a bit anxious too. I took 2 valium and my Geondons early. I ate pretty healthy though. Its just an off day I guess.

So none of my meds stayed down and I'm not real happy. I'm pretty down right now

Blue_Bird · Jun 25, 2024, 02:26 PM

Finished onboarding today at work. I got my locker, gloves , vest, box cutter, badge etc my first full day will be Thursday from 1pm to 10pm so a 9 hours shift. Including my commute /bus wait time that’s about an 11 hour day

Blueberrybook · Jun 25, 2024, 03:04 PM

I'm still feeling pretty good. I went to the dentist today because I needed an adjustment on my temporary crown. After lunch, I had to take my daughter to the doctor for her annual well checkup. She had to get a vaccine, so she was anxious about it. My daughter's doctor is a bit of a drive, in a more congested area I don't care to drive in, but I did okay. Not too much driving anxiety; we listened to music on Spotify in the car. Still, it's good to be home and done with appointments for the day. Now, I can wind down and relax a bit before cooking dinner.

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