Bipolar Check-in #80

My therapist and I agreed to cut back one session per month, as we were doing until I got depressed in January. So I don't have an appointment this week.

I think we need to wait for the med changes to go through (I'm lowering gabapentin and Emsam) before we try this again because I'm anxious, kind of paranoid and had some passively scary thoughts the last 2 days. I'm fine, just don't like that I'm thinking that way. I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in me but med changes are hard and I need the support apparently.

I'm scared this will end about December and I get severely depressed in January every year. I guess we'll see.

Yep. Definitely in the crashing process I think. Just want to sleep. Oh yawn. 🥱

saw lots of stuff yesterday. shuld have told pdoc but i was afraid to. dont want her to mess with my meds to much being new and al. im not depressed or manic at all. jsut seeing stuff like geometric shapes and lights flashing and feeling bugs crawling on me. ugh

I forgot to take the Lyrica out of my pillbox and accidentally took it this morning, but I'm not having racing thoughts today. Now I'm not sure if I should keep taking the Lyrica or not. Maybe yesterday was just a fluke. I see the pdoc on Monday. I'll mention it to him if it happens again. Otherwise I'm doing okay moodwise. It's weird to feel so stable after that long period of depression I had through much of winter and spring. I didn't even realize how bad it was until near the end of it, but that was the worst depression I've ever had. Ugh.

@raspberrytorte
It is natural your body might crash after going so long on so little sleep. How is your mood doing? Are you having other signs of depression or are you just tired?

@HALLIEBETH87
When do you see the pdoc again? If your next appointment is still awhile away, can you call and leave a message to talk to your pdoc over the phone? Seeing stuff and feeling bug crawling sensations can't be fun.

I see her again in august. Feeling bugs in my face as we speak

@Blueberrybook

Just run down feeling. No depression. Still feel great. Still very hot and bothered. Still dreamily fantasizing about Husband. Sigh. Until Thursday night. I'm also about to have my period. Like at any moment, so that could be contributing to the run down feeling. But I still feel really good. Think I just need another resting day. Just have to get up off my lazy *** and clean the bathroom!

Oh, made an appointment to see my new POS psychiatrist on August 19th. Ugh. Not looking forward to it. It's one of those extra long sessions where they ask a million questions, and I've OD'd and been IP so many times I don't even remember them all! And I've been on SO many meds. Hopefully she doesn't decide to completely change everything. Last time I saw this particular psychiatrist (and the ONLY time I saw her) she took me off Haldol, zoloft and remeron cold turkey and replaced them with latuda and ambien. ****ed me up big time. Overdose, IP stay, NOT looking forward to seeing this psychiatrist again!

So we dropped Victoria's friends off at the airport and our car started smoking. We nursed it home just for it to get towed an hour later. We can't do this. If we can fix it enough to get it back to my parents I will. We just can't keep a car. My parents blame the area we live in that it's bleeding us dry but I think anywhere would bleed us dry. 950 isn't a lot to live off of. It would have been worse in Florida because we wouldn't have medical on top of everything else at least there's a decent bus system and Victoria can use the bathroom. It just sucks. I wish my family would understand poverty.

That Victoria to educated to get hired at a minimum wage job but no job experience to qualify for a higher paying job. Vocational rehab hasn't gotten back to her or answered their phone. She's hoping for a summer job but it's late. She wants to move out with her friends but she has to make 3x her portion of rent.

It just sucks but I'm not depressed because I'm not crying.

Last night I threw up out of my nose. It was pretty gross. And it hurt. I was trying not to throw up so I had my mouth closed and then I burped and it just came out my nose onto my shirt.

Today I was just tired and anxious and my stomach hurt. I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawel, so a couple hours ago I drank a Mountain Dew. Then I projectile vomited a number of times. But whatever caffeine did stay down helped my anxiety and now I'm fine. My brother in law is taking all my soda tonight so I won't have anymore. He also took all my Doritos and other chips.

I have some dark bags under my eyes. My mom noticed them too. Thats the Crohns disease look I'm talking about.

Yeah, as far as places to be broke and unable to work, MA is probably one of the better states despite being ridiculously expensive. It's expensive because they provide resources better than most other places.

How are you approaching these sorta conversations with your family? Does it seem like they just don't understand or don't WANT to understand or are judgmental? I know I have a lot of struggles people just don't understand, but there is a difference between not being able to imagine it and putting someone down for it.

PS, you don't have to cry to be depressed. Hell, a lot of people in a depression don't cry because there is just nothing going on emotionally. I cry all the time when I'm more "BPDing or PTSDing" upset, but if I'm bipolar depressed and not triggered in other ways, I have to try to get myself to cry usually with the song "For Billy" by Highly Suspect

Ughh I've had the vomit through the nose. Things other than snot/boogers (blood?) shouldn't come out of the nose. It's illegal.

Sounds like you've been getting closer to answers to your health problems though. I hope that keeps up, and hopefully you find some explanation that is curable or at least treatable.

I'm not sure they can understand. They are upper middle class. So when I say I'm broke it's different. I don't have the ability to take from a credit card, or get a loan. They say it's just budgeting but that can only go so far. I don't feel like showing them our budget. Insurance is a 4th of our income. That's not gas or anything. So I guess no car. Get caught up on bills and figure out how to get around.

In my usual turn of events, life goes well for a short while till it comes crashing down. The past few nights have been rough and very emotional. Feeling guilty about being happy and about my ex - he plagues my mind still. Concerning to me because these painful episodes happen at night, and I already haven't been sleeping my full 8 hours.

I don't want to ruin my new relationship, and I know he's concerned. I've been crying, going to places I shouldn't, and pretty much doing self-sabotaging things. My life is pretty amazing, this is the life I've always prayed for, so I don't know why I am trying everything I can to ruin it. Why the heck can't I just enjoy it? Going to increase my therapy appointments to once a week again instead of every other week, I think I really need it.

Today turned out to be much better than I expected it to be! I had my monthly support group. Then, my long time counselor (who runs the group) squeezed me in for a last minute counseling session after the group. I went straight from counseling to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in awhile. We spent 3 hours together. It was a good day for the soul, and being out of the house for so many hours/around people did wonders for me since I spend so much time at home and alone over the summer.

Tomorrow, I am going to reach out to schedule an appointment with the new counselor I'm seeing in an every other week rotation with my long time counselor to try and see her later in the week. I tend to need more support as I get close to seeing my mom so better safe than sorry I suppose, especially since seeing her can be such a bipolar symptoms trigger.

I'm now at peace with the fact that, conversation with my pdoc pending, it looks like 2 mg of risperidone needs to be my new dose. It hit me that this is the longest run, by a long shot, of having the same antipsychotic and at the same dose so it kind of makes sense I would need an increase at this point. It just hit me that med changes are often connected to the rare times I see my mom so now it really makes sense that I need an increase. I still try to control my symptoms in a way that isn't actually possible sometimes.

Has anyone gotten bad anxiety from Zofran? I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin right now. My paperwork that came with it says that anxiety is a side effect and I read it online too. I just can't relax.

Ugh!!! I went to bed at 10:30pm and woke up at 12:30am and can't sleep. I've never felt more awake!! My narrator is done with my book. Just have to listen to the entire thing, make sure there are no changes I want made, and approve it and yay! I have an audiobook! I could probably listen to that right now. It's five hours long. Husband is driving me crazy at the moment. I mean, does he REALLY need to be so appealing and half naked 🤔. I fantasize about him seducing me in the middle of the night.

I'm worried about Husband. He told me the other night that if something happened to me (like if I died or something I guess) he wouldn't be with anyone else and would be fine with never having sex again.

I was like, "NEVER AGAIN?!"

And he was like, "Yes. Never again."

Not to mention I wouldn't want him to be alone!

But.... NEVER AGAIN?! Seven days is AGONY for me.

And then he was talking about selling all his music gear, etc., and some other concerning stuff. 😟 I think he's depressed or something. I don't know what to do to make him feel better! He doesn't want to have sex (in fact, he doesn't even like me saying he looks good). He doesn't want to play live music anymore. He's stressed out. I've mentioned having a romantic getaway, just the two of us, but he didn't seem too keen on the idea.

I realize I've been hypersexual lately and acting out of character and am probably being slightly neurotic here, but I just worry about him is all. I know I need to tone it down a bit since I'm probably freaking him out, but I can't help myself. There's something seriously wrong with me!!!!! My therapist actually admitted I was in an "up swing" (she didn't say hypo, just up swing).

I'll talk to him on Thursday night (daughter will be consistently with us Monday through Wednesday and I doubt he'll want to have this kind of discussion tonight, after working 40 hours in three days).

I have my volunteer shift with the rescue kitties. Have one tomorrow as well. Looking forward to it

My library is doing an adult summer reading challenge. They have a website/app where you can track your books read between now and August 15th and at the end they do a drawing and 9 random participants each get a $50 gift card to various local businesses and restaurants. So I signed up for that. I’ve been trying to get myself to read more lately anyway so this will be fun. Also my library has an adult coloring night this coming Tuesday I’m gonna go to. Trying to get myself out of the house more. I find coloring really relaxing. I did a lot of it all the times I was inpatient over the years now it’s one of my favorite coping skills.

I’m hoping to hear back from some jobs next week since I put in a bunch of applications this week. I just need a job I’ll take anything at this point.

I’ve been doing well on the increased abilify. My mood is a lot more stable, I’m less paranoid, and I’m actually sleeping. I slept really good last night. The best sleep I’ve gotten in weeks.

These are my meds now:

30mg abilify
1500mg trileptal
100mg Thorazine

I’ve been setting aside 45 minutes a day to study music theory. And making sure I keep up with practicing violin and ukulele. And meditation for at least 30 minutes a day. And keeping up with exercising. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday. Today is my exercise rest day. Since my boyfriend has the day off we’re gonna spend some time together after I get home from my volunteer shift.
Anyway yeah feeling pretty good, hoping this stability continues

@Mountaindewed Zofran only caused anxiety for me when I had 16mg IV in four hours, and I wouldn't have called the anxiety bad. Might not have even been the Zofran, just the fact I was in a hospital.

@raspberrytorte That is quite a heavy conversation with your husband. I'd be concerned too, especially with getting rid of the beloved music gear (if I ever intentionally gave away my Pacifica--a fccking YAMAHA but I love it and it's great any pseudo-music lovers confuse it for a strat--but yeah, if I gave that away it'd be a really bad sign. Selling it would probably mean desperate for money in the most severe point of addiction I'd ever be in, but I doubt that's the case with your hubby). Hopefully he gets that you're concerned and can work with you and maybe get outside help.

I let those folks at urgent care take my blood and piss to indulge in their kinks. Hope the blood isn't dirty for their sake

First father's day without a father is pretty rad too (not). I'm trying to convince myself he wasn't that bad a guy. I'm just finding it hard to forgive him for a lot of things he's taught me intentionally or unintentionally that have really fccked me up.

@MuddyBoots

Yeah. I'm really worried. 😟 It's not selling his gear for the money.... we're fine on money right now. I don't know. Maybe I'M the one having a midlife crisis. It would be fine if he was just like, "Yeah, Raspberry, I think I just want to focus on my solo projects and not play out live anymore." I'd be like cool, that's fine, whatever, but he's so conflicted and unhappy about it! And his lack of libido...

I mean, NEVER AGAIN?!

And be fine with being a lonely old man if something happened to me?

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭