Bipolar Check-in #80

Not going to drink today! Getting picked up later by some dude and we are going out of town to a farm because wtf else is there to do?

This is NOT going to turn into any real relationship. Fk that. Just this one thing and then I’m going to show complete disinterest.

There is also a spot in my left eye I can’t see out of. It’s like when you have a spot in your vision that feels like there’s a bug or dust or it’s just super dry or something and you hardly see until you blink/rub it, but it hasn’t gone away and it’s been there like a week. The cool thing is if I lost vision in that eye completely but still have blood flow there’s a new place for needles lmao I’m sick plz help

Hey mud. I had a detached retina last year. It was like a quarter moon next to my nose. So since your eye inverts stuff, that meant it was really on the outer side of my eye.

Get to a dr immediately. You dont want to lose your depth perception, it puts you off balance. I ended up with a cataract in that eye after the surgery and that is an additional hassle.

I saw my pdoc today. It really is a pretty drive to his office this time of year, lots of trees, wooded areas, green grass, a nature bayou. I think I've been so depressed this past spring I haven't even been noticing how pretty it is. I had a good appointment, no med changes, lost 5 lb., but he said to come back in 2 weeks to be sure the Cymbalta doesn't make me manic. WTH? I heard the guy in front of me making an appt. for 3 months later, and I get 2 weeks between appts.? I know my pdoc is just being cautious, but I was hoping I could at least go another month before my next appt.

I had my scan today. I got to the hospital at 7. I ate the breakfast they gave me. Luckily the tech said I mainly just had to eat the eggs since they were the only parts that were radioactive. I ate the eggs and half a piece of toast and I drank the water. She said that was enough.

They then did a picture right away. Then they did one an hour later. Then an hour after that. Then the last one was done 2 hours later. I was so close to throwing up the whole time but they said they would have to cancel the test if I did. So I just really stretched out in the waiting room and surfed MSF and waited it out.

I was finally done around noon and I got a Starbucks refresher which I of course threw up once I got home. The results were already on the portal. The first test picture was fine. Pictures 2 and 3 were on the low end of normal. Picture 4 was low. So the final result was a mild delayed emptying of my stomach. So I think I may have mild gasterperisis or however you spell it. I'll have to wait to hear from my doctor. I'm hoping its just mild and won't get any worse because I've seen some real fuked up cases on Tik Tok.

Anyways now I'm just lying down and I don't feel good because of those shytty eggs.

I haven't been too hungry these last couple days and I don't know if its just from quitting soda or what.

No. I'm not calling. I see my therapist on Friday. We'll see what she says. I'll just remain as calm and inconspicuous as possible (I can do that). Besides, I feel GREAT!!! I feel fukking FANTASTIC!!!!

I would NEVER cheat on my husband. NEVER. The thought of having sex with a random man disgusts me. My husband is a sex GOD. HE IS GOD STATUS. NO ONE CAN SATISFY ME THE WAY HE CAN. So I must hold out. No matter HOW uncomfortable I may feel. My husband is the GOD of love. ❤️ 😍

Luckily I got some this morning, but I'm already intolerably uncomfortable again, like I need to take a cold shower or something. Christ. Our daughter is done with school now, so I won't be able to possibly get any love from the GOD until around 10PM tonight. Damn it. This is ALL I can think about. I can't concentrate on anything. Earlier today he was all like, "Can we PLEASE talk about something other than sex! We don't need to talk about it all day!" I told him he was THE sex god and I couldn't help myself. Ugh. This is TERRIBLE.

I'm going to attempt being creative now, despite how uncomfortable I feel physically and how all I can think about is my husband. He was playing his bass before and got all sweaty because it's hot as fukk today and it was really turning me on (not that I wasn't turned on already).

Oh my god. I'M DYING AGAIN!!!!!!

I'll be okay without calling. I'm enjoying not being depressed anymore and saucy.

Yeah, just to clarify I was in no way suggesting cheating. I was just pointing out an extremely poor option as the only alternative to masturbating when your husband says no. Probably wasn't a good idea for me to mention, and I'm glad you're not going down that road.

Oh don't worry. I was just expressing how much of a sex GOD my husband is. Lol. But seriously, the thought of having sex with a different man really IS gross to me.

ohhh so you're just bragging? haha, be careful not to boost his ego too much or let the word get out

So I saw my new T today. It was a good intro session.

I also saw my pdoc and she confirmed that I had an allergic reaction to Vraylar.

We're starting Rexulti, anyone have experience with it?

Lol 😆

It just makes him uncomfortable when I tell him he's the GOD OF LOVE ❤️. And then he asks me if I've been taking all my meds. Haha. (Which I have by the way, for a change.)

Never been on Rexulti. I've heard a lot that it's basically expensive Abilify though.

My doctor was all like "well, there is a delayed reaction, but I don't feel like I need to treat it. Thank you!"

I'm kinda just done with this hospital at this point.

Both my mom and I are so achy from sitting in the waiting room chairs for 4.5 hours. And I really can't eat much anymore. I've had about 1,120 calories and my therapist would have a bytch fit about it, but whatever.

I'm not sleeping much lately but thankfully the Unisom is gone. My room feels like a hotel air condtioner. It feels moist in here or something.

Idk if I'm manic or just am in pain and trying to deal with it. I can't sleep and I spent $144 tonight on 3 shirts, a pair of jeans, and a hat.

But I really am in a lot of muscular pain. I walked around all day yesterday in high top Vans and then there was the hospital chair today. I used to work 8 hour first shifts and be on my feet most of that time and have zero issue. Then go out to lunch and run errands after. I really am out of shape.

I think I'm having caffeine withdrawels actually. I went from drinking 5 cans ot soda to not having any. I wonder if thats why I feel so weird mentally right now.

I'm out of meds and making bad decisions.

I've got some paranoia going on tonight. Of all of the hypomanic symptoms I experience, this one is definitely my least favorite. It's times like this that make me use I still was on Seroquel to help me sleep but, for my own safety when in a bad depressive episode, it's best that I'm not. The horrible drowsiness I got from it was also not worth it.

Counseling went well today. I'm kind of at a stand still with processing things until I can learn how to cope with the emotions that are starting to come up with the processing. I spent most of my life not feeling them so, not what I am, I have no idea what to do with them.

@Mountaindewed

Do you like green tea? I was an avid coke zero drinker (like go through almost a 12-pack in a day! It was bad!) and I switched to iced green tea and love it. It's also much cheaper. I have a gallon jug and just brew five tea bags at once in it in the fridge. Great for the summer! Sometimes I add two lemon ginger tea bags to it, just to spice it up a bit, and it helps my stomach feel better. I go through like three gallons a day, which I realize is excessive, but it's healthier than coke zero. In the very beginning I took caffeine pills too. I don't take those anymore as I don't need them, but they helped in the beginning. Just an idea. If you like tea.

@June08

I LOATHE paranoia. I'm sorry you're feeling that. I hope it abates soon!

Sigh.

No love tonight.

My husband said it was too late. He was more interested in reading 📚. I'm hiding all his books so he can't read at night! Then he was being mean and TEASING me with his sensual body! Jerk. I don't think he understands the severity of my situation here. I've been suffering all afternoon and night 😫. I was hoping to get some love so I could concentrate on my novel tonight, but concentration isn't happening.

I have to call the pharmacy tomorrow. There's something weird going on with my metformin. I need a refill of my metformin. The CVS website says it's too soon for a refill. It's not. So call them I shall. It'll be fun I guess. I like yelling at the stupid machine voice. It always cracks my daughter up when she overhears me doing it. It feels good, yelling at that dumb machine!

@Victoria'smom

When can you get med refills? Do you feel okay? Are you sick? Do you need to go to urgent care or anything? If I quit all my meds cold turkey at once I'd REALLY be hurting physically (mentally too... but DEFINITELY physically).

@raspberrytorte I'm not sick yet. I was spacing out the last of my medicine. They didn't fill my AP last month so I was taking what I had left basically weening myself off. pdoc got the prescription figured out and they are mailing it to me. Problem is I don't sleep without my AP. Now they're having problems with my AD and I don't know when I'm getting any of it. My pdoc only works m-w. So if it doesn't come tomorrow I'm sol for the week. I won't take the AD without the AP.

So instead so no sleep tonight, anxiety, numbness... I really just need a therapist. When I finally get the meds I will write to my pdoc about how to get back on. As of right now I don't want to be on medication. I don't want to stop and think mid-sentence. Almost want to self destruct. I want to engage in negative behavior. I can be skinny again. I can make art on my skin. And no one can take it away from me. I know I'm not thinking right but it all sounds right. I didn't have a bad withdrawal from meds. So maybe I won't have a bad withdrawal from food. I know I can't "draw" on my skin but I want to so bad. It would feel so nice.

I have to keep this quiet. I can't be going to the hospital for this. As long as I don't make art on my skin I should be fine. H hates when I do food withdrawal. So I have to be smart about this. If I get back on the medication I can't do food withdrawal. I have so much more to say. I have to say very little IRL or I'll scare people. Pdoc isn't ready for my full crazy yet.

I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal. I'm determined and a bit off.

Ugh. Been awake since 2am. Took 50mg of seroquel an hour ago. Trying to relax and go back to sleep, but I keep on thinking about funny things and having to stop myself from completely geeking out and waking my husband up. Of course, it would serve him right if I DID wake him up! Just kidding. I'm not mean. He's tired. He works hard. Needs his rest. Metformin situation is figured out on its own so I don't have to call the pharmacy and yell at the machine (which, admittedly, I was actually kind of looking forward to doing. Lol). Have to actually GO to the pharmacy though, which I hate.

Damn it. STOP thinking about funny things, raspberry! Go to sleep!

At least I'm having a resting period. I would go for a walk but it's wet outside. Husband said he's fine with me going for walks in our shyt neighborhood as long as it's light out. And it's light out now. Shouldn't be too hot today either, just rainy. Good day for a nap, as long as I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT FUNNY THINGS!!!

Honestly, who has sweaty nipples?! 😂

@raspberrytorte I got a bunch of cans of Arizona green and sweet teas and a couple bottles of Gold Peak green tea this morning. I drank a can of the sweet tea and I feel so much better. My issue was with the carbonation in the soda.

Ugh, is it bad to be jealous of those of you who are hypomanic? It makes me want to stop taking Seroquel, but if I do that, I don't sleep, and I really don't function well on too little sleep. And my sex drive is nonexistent, probably thanks to psych meds The past few years when I've gotten hypomanic, I don't really get to enjoy it, it will last a few days (not weeks or months like some of you) and just spiral into full-blown mania and shortly after that, psychosis and then it's back to the psych hospital and, ugh, who really wants that?!

So I have to conclude foregoing Seroquel to enjoy a few days of hypomania (where I'm likely to blow the budget big time which really makes H mad to the point of threatening divorce) just isn't worth it for me, which just doesn't seem fair with stupid bipolar, and I'll get the flipside depression for weeks and months on end which isn't fun at all I really hate the way bipolar manifests in me. Not fair at all.

IDK why I'm jealous of hypomania, right now I'm doing fine emotionally, level I guess is how I'd describe my mood, which is good in bipolar, I guess. It seems to be what my pdoc wants anyway. Sorry for the vent.

Yeah. Green tea is great! I love it. I 💚 it. I'm only slightly addicted to it. Lol. I still have a soda every once in a while though, just not like before.

You can have some of my sex drive if you want. Lol. I have TOO much. It's TERRIBLE. I'm on seroquel too. It helps me sleep for a couple of hours, until it wears off. Then I wake up. I asked my psychiatrist once about the XR, thinking that would help me sleep better, and he told me the XR doesn't work for whatever reason.

I'm lucky where I've never been a big spender while hypo. I hate shopping. 😒 Ugh. Our daughter is the same way. And if I DO spend money it's on small things, like cards for people.

Speaking of cards, I still have to get my psychiatrist a goodbye card! 😭 😭 😭 😭 I don't want him to leave! I've grown quite fond of him. He's the best psychiatrist I've ever had. This new guy better not be an asshat. If he wants to wean me off diazepam I'm saying no. Hell no. I'll get someone else to fill it for me. I'll FIND someone!

It's interesting how differently bipolar manifests in people. Last time I started out hypo, then it quickly accelerated to mania and psychosis and rage, but it wasn't all bad. I had an intense spiritual experience where I literally felt myself become one with the world around me and could see the universe moving in the sky and believed I had control of it. I've NEVER felt more euphoric! Holy **** man.

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. My thoughts are all over the place right now. I don't even know what my original point was.

(((Hugs)))

Got a little angry with Husband this morning. A little agitated. He was like, "How much sleep did you get last night?" I got two hours. He said, "You can't continue on like this. I don't want to visit you in the hospital." What a killjoy! Jeez. Sorry I feel good and I'm not depressed anymore. I just got REALLY annoyed, so I made sure not to talk this morning. I get pressured speech while I feel good. I don't just talk and talk and talk. I feel like I have to, if that makes any sense, so as long as I DON'T start talking I'm fine.

Anyway, took 100mg of seroquel and am having a little rest period. Since Husband isn't putting put I'm buying myself an early birthday present. I see no other option. He thinks once a day is enough. Once a day is NOT enough!!! He DOES NOT understand the extent of these strong urges. I absolutely CANNOT concentrate on ANYTHING other than thinking about getting some tender loving. 😩

@Victoria'smom- maybe you could write a version of what's going on that explains your struggling, but are safe and can refrain from immediately dangerous self-destructive behavior and bring that in, also mentioning it's hard to talk about these things honestly out loud on the spot with them. I think it's important your pdoc know things aren't great especially because your meds got messed up and things in that area need to be managed better. Hopefully things will get better once you're back on the meds though. I know your life is pretty stressful right now too so we both know it's not realistic to say you'll feel happy as a clam when it all gets back in your system, but I bet it's going to be easier to handle things without unhealthy behaviors.

@Blueberrybook-definitely not bad to be jealous of people with a euphoric hypomania. Stuff is like a cocaine high that lasts days/weeks/sometimes even months. Definitely has an addictive quality to it. I'm not going to lie, I like my highs too (little too much probably). My hypomanias also quickly turn into mania, usually of a dysphoric/mixed kind so that's always fun. I've realized hypomania is not something I really want to chase though because when it's mild, feels good, and people fking love talking to my upbeat, charismatic, energetic version of myself, it's hard to recognize it as a problem and there definitely are going to be some decisions I'm going to regret out of it even before it gets to the next level and turns dangerous. I'm already impulsive enough, don't need to add fuel to the fire

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As for myself, I get to have the joy of seeing my T in an hour (haha, totally not looking forward to it especially because they're doing some crazy construction on the road to get there that both the sidewalk and 1 out of 2 lanes of traffic are closed so hopefully won't get hit or flipped off. I wouldn't mind being hit, but if I get flipped off, honked at, and cussed out, therapy will be far from productive). I'm sleeping like 5 hours a night and not tired. That's good for me compared to last year when that was almost what I got in a week, but that's also not a heck of a lot so not sure if I should be on alert for elevation?